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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM refuses to accept I have a serious food allergy

168 replies

adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 18:03

I have just spent 4 days in Whitby with DM and my DC, causing this issue to raise it's head again.
I have a serious seafood allergy - allergic to all shellfish and molluscs and intolerant of finned fish. I have not had any incident for 15 years and am careful. DM will not accept I have this allergy. The last time I had an allergic response was due to her contaminating my food on a similar self catering break 15yo.
This time my DC are older. Their response to DM's behaviour has made me think. DS got in an argument with her last night when she AGAIN said "It'd nice to all have fish and chips but you don't like it do you" and rolled her eyes. DS said "Gma, Mum is ALLERGIC to fish and she could die - she isn's fussy" (I eat pretty much anything else and am v laid back in most areas of life). She said 'What difference is it, she won't eat it in any case" eyeroll.
I have always treated it as one of her many quirks, but now actually feel incredibly hurt. Why doesn't she care? She ate fish or seafood EVERY meal except breakfast when we were away, I presume because we were at the Seaside and it is incredibly delicious - I have no problem whatsoever with anyone else eating fish and DS loves it.

DS had a milk allergy when he was born but I micro-dosed him under care of a Dietician and helped him overcome it - he is now only very mildly intolerant. She knows this and has never accused DS of being 'fussy' - why me?
AIBU to feel so hurt at her insistence to DC (and everyone else but I don't really care what they think) that I am 'fussy'?
Sorry for the rant, I suppose I really just don't understand why I am so upset today, she's always been like this :(

OP posts:

EyeSeeWhatYouDidThere · 14/08/2020 20:05

My MIL keeps asking if my 7mo has grown out of her CMPA yet because she wants to buy her proper chocolate etc. I pointed out she may not grow out of it - obviously most do but not all, and severe allergies run in my family - "Well its going to be hard for her if she can't eat dairy isn't it?" No, I'm sure she will be okay. I am managing fine - I've not touched anything with dairy in since she was 6 weeks old and I've not yet had anything bad happen and I don't find it overly traumatic...she also forgot to get anything dairy free when we went round for dinner last weekend so I sat eating plain salad with some crisps. So I have no advice but I feel your pain

InescapableDeath · 14/08/2020 20:07

She is incredibly abusive. I would never eat another meal in her presence again. How can you trust her? You can’t.

I’d actually say I’d never see her again but you say you love her so...

I’m just worried that you are not safe

Original poster

adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 20:08

Just to make it very clear - I am home now and perfectly well. After the last incident I have been very careful. It just hurt to hear my son defend mw I think.

OP posts:

lyralalala · 14/08/2020 20:10

I don't think for a moment it was deliberate poisoning. I suppose it is more like if an ardent anti vaxer's child caught measles - hugely inconvenient!

That would only happen once. By the sound of it you were repeatedly exposed to something you were highly allergic to it.

That's the equivilant of letting your child run out on the road without checking more than the anti-vaxer comparison.

diddl · 14/08/2020 20:11

"I don't think for a moment it was deliberate poisoning."

How can it not be though if you can see that something makes your child ill but keep feeding it to them?

I mean most parents accept it when their kids just don't like a certain food.

Well the fish obsession makes sense now, but willfully ignoring that it makes you ill for their own convenience is just pigheadedness/arrogance/abuse on a dangerous scale!

Illuyanka · 14/08/2020 20:12

Seriously, if the child has life threatening allergy, any parents cannot say it's just an inconvenience. You will be dead.
I don't really understand your attitude at all. Almot sound like you are enjoying the fact she doesn't get seriousness of an allergy by making fun of your parents.

Leeds2 · 14/08/2020 20:12

Not the point of the thread, but your DS sounds lovely.

I am glad you have decided. not to holiday with her again. If she asks, tell her why. I think I would actually consider going NC, and let the DC see her if they wanted to.

julybaby32 · 14/08/2020 20:16

It is so sad that she seems to think of you as almost disposable and you love her. I think from what you say that your children really do love you. Please stay alive!

whatsthatnow74 · 14/08/2020 20:18

My mum’s abut like this about my nut allergy. Doesn’t take it particularly seriously though nothing like as bad as your experience, OP. I wonder if it’s a generational thing?

MrsMcTats · 14/08/2020 20:18

Not that you should have to do this, but would showing her allergy test results help? Could you get tested and then show her what comes up? There is no way I'd let my mum get away with this. I'd sit her down and tell her that she was really hurting me and if she needs it from professionals, here is the document and basically, don't ever mention fish to me again!

squirrelsbizaar · 14/08/2020 20:18

My mum is very similar over a medical condition of mine, minimising and being dismissive until another family member confirmed that the condition was hereditary. I'm not entirely convinced she believes me, but she treads more carefully with the commentary now.
I honestly think she struggles to see me as a grown woman and is under the impression I am a child telling tales, or looking for attention and I need to be dealt with as such. I regularly get 'well you wouldn't have shopped there as a teenager' . 'well I know mum, but I am a 40+ now, did you not change a bit too ' ? She's stuck in a time warp with her (adult) children.
I love her and she is a good natured and kind person, but this side of her drives me absolutely nuts.

FannieMae84 · 14/08/2020 20:18

Sorry but some people are just awful human beings that enjoy (or don't care) when others suffer.

She sounds like an awful, awful mum.

What would happen if you sat her down without distraction or time pressure and asked her why she's so often trying (and succeeded) in making you ill? For an avoidable reason? What's causing this? She sounds like she's not quite right in the head, and I don't mean that flippantly.

Does she see you as strong willed and seeing you get ill is her way of taking you "down" a peg or two? Or does she like having your kids more to herself while you're in the toilet? I mean, it's truly fucked up, her behaviour. There's something driving it, it's not illogical or a one off to her way of viewing the world.

Iverunoutofnames · 14/08/2020 20:19

It’s also a generational thing. DD is coeliac and I am sick of trying to explain why she can’t eat just anywhere, no a potato isn’t just a potato when it’s been cooked with gluten!
MIL was obsessed by the fact she’d never had smarties, like I was the worst parent alive for not letting her have them ‘just the once’. Because it would be soooo worth even with the diarrhoea and crippling stomach pains.

julybaby32 · 14/08/2020 20:21

Certainly in my husband's case, the reaction got worse, not better with age, until they realised what was causing it, when of course he stopped eating fish, so please be very careful. If parents with a fish-and-chip shop can make sure not to feed their child fish, then anyone else can who is capable of living independently and managing their own affairs. I don't want to frighten you too much, but the next incident might be the stops breathing one. Please be so careful.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/08/2020 20:21

@Leeds2 is right - your ds is a young man to be proud of - as I am sure you are.

Franklyfrost · 14/08/2020 20:23

This is very sad. Op I think it is something you need to put your foot down about: either no more eating together or no fish, not even as a topic of conversation.

It seems like you’re struggling to reconcile loving and appreciating your mother with the abuse you received as a child when your medical needs weren’t met. It might be time to acknowledge how bad it feels to have your physical experiences dismissed as unimportant/imaginary by a person who should care for you (even if they do care for you in other ways).

julybaby32 · 14/08/2020 20:23

Thank you for letting us know you are home. Sorry, I'm a slow typist - and much relieved.

1Morewineplease · 14/08/2020 20:24

@Arthersleep

My mother in law has a seafood 'allergy'. She was sick 50+ years ago after eating some prawns abroad and has not touched any seafood since. Instead, she'll order food with it in and then pick it out. There seem to be so many people with self diagnosed allergies today, that unfortunately, some people are sceptical and genuine cases get included in this scepticism. If your allergy was diagnosed in later life, she may find it harder to understand if you ate fish as a child. Or if you didn't like fish as a child, she may just see this as a continuation. I get why you are annoyed. It is patronising and akin to saying that you are making it up. Unfortunately some mother's still treat their offspring as children, however old they are. Also sometimes people only take things in if they actually see evidence (i.e. you collapsing before she finally gets it).

Do you think this might be the case OP? Have you actually been medically diagnosed with a seafood allergy?

diddl · 14/08/2020 20:26

"It’s also a generational thing."

No, it's an ignorant "don't give a fuck about you" thing.

Quaagars · 14/08/2020 20:27

I don't really understand your attitude at all. Almot sound like you are enjoying the fact she doesn't get seriousness of an allergy by making fun of your parents

Same, glad I'm not the only one who doesn't understand OP's attitude, seems to be making light of something so serious!
Although if you've had a lifetime of being dismissed, maybe can't see it as easily and thinks it's just a quirk

Original poster

adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 20:27

Have any of you seen the film Captain Fantastic? Or read Educated or The Glass Castle? Or North of Normal? These stories which most parents see and think "OMG" are familiar to me. I was one of many, it's such a different experience to being a wanted child, I think.
She had DB when she was 17 and experienced severe racism for relationship (she is white) - it is impossible for me to imagine.

OP posts:

Original poster

adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 20:27

Yes I am diagnosed with a seafood allergy and have an epi pen.

OP posts:

Quaagars · 14/08/2020 20:30

It’s also a generational thing

That's a load of crap sorry. It's not a generational thing, it's an attitude thing.
As I commented earlier, I'm allergic to cows milk and found out when I was young - so in the early 80s my parents tried me on soya milk.
Not kept feeding me the think that was making me ill
My grandparents as well were then and still are careful not to give me milk and I'm in my 40s, they're in their 80s now!
Age and "being old" isn't an excuse.

Quaagars · 14/08/2020 20:31

thing not think

Original poster

adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 20:31

DS is truly outstanding and I am incredibly proud. My care of him makes me think about how F and DM behaved. It is a muddle, I know. I am her 'favourite' along with my baby brother as well!

OP posts:

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