DM refuses to accept I have a serious food allergy

[adulthumanwoman]

I have just spent 4 days in Whitby with DM and my DC, causing this issue to raise it's head again.
I have a serious seafood allergy - allergic to all shellfish and molluscs and intolerant of finned fish. I have not had any incident for 15 years and am careful. DM will not accept I have this allergy. The last time I had an allergic response was due to her contaminating my food on a similar self catering break 15yo.
This time my DC are older. Their response to DM's behaviour has made me think. DS got in an argument with her last night when she AGAIN said "It'd nice to all have fish and chips but you don't like it do you" and rolled her eyes. DS said "Gma, Mum is ALLERGIC to fish and she could die - she isn's fussy" (I eat pretty much anything else and am v laid back in most areas of life). She said 'What difference is it, she won't eat it in any case" eyeroll.
I have always treated it as one of her many quirks, but now actually feel incredibly hurt. Why doesn't she care? She ate fish or seafood EVERY meal except breakfast when we were away, I presume because we were at the Seaside and it is incredibly delicious - I have no problem whatsoever with anyone else eating fish and DS loves it.

DS had a milk allergy when he was born but I micro-dosed him under care of a Dietician and helped him overcome it - he is now only very mildly intolerant. She knows this and has never accused DS of being 'fussy' - why me?
AIBU to feel so hurt at her insistence to DC (and everyone else but I don't really care what they think) that I am 'fussy'?
Sorry for the rant, I suppose I really just don't understand why I am so upset today, she's always been like this :(

It's not an age thing. My parents are in their 80s and understand I have a fish allergy. They wouldn't dream of serving fish when I go to their house.

Oh lord, adulthumanwoman you have my sympathy. My mother was from a generation that regarded any allergies, let alone mere dietary preferences, as a direct criticism of her own eating habits. She refused to believe that allergic reactions were anything more than pysochosomatic, and any other food preference was just a 'fad'. She was convinced that if she could smuggle egg into a meal for the schoolfriend allergic to egg, the schoolfriend wouldn't notice.

Utterly batshit. Unshakeable in her belief in her superior understanding. You just have to distance yourself from the source of danger.

And a shout out to your DS for being sensible and uncowed by the narc. You've obviously brought him up well!

Please stay safe.

A friend is (only half jokingly) suspicious that her mother is trying to kill her.
Doctors have identified dairy as the trigger of her IBS. Her mum knows this, and will say ' Have a sandwich - I used that dairy free spread and that mayonnaise. Nothing dairy in that'.
When questioned again after my friend ended up ill - ' Well, I mixed a bit of cream into the mayonnaise - it wouldn't affect you'.
Er, yes, it did. Why would you do that?

"Well, I mixed a bit of cream into the mayonnaise - it wouldn't affect you'."

Oh yes, cream-that well known non dairy item!

Is cream & mayonnaise even a thing?

@adulthumanwoman

DS is truly outstanding and I am incredibly proud. My care of him makes me think about how F and DM behaved. It is a muddle, I know. I am her 'favourite' along with my baby brother as well!

Getting your head around the differences between how your parents acted and how you have is incredibly hard.

I ended up having counselling over it. I had, naively, always thought becoming a parent might help me understand the stresses and worries my parents had and might, just might, give me a chink of insight. It didn't. It confused me even more.

Be kind to yourself, it's not easy.

Your mother will rail against the boundaries you put up. She'll cry, she'll rant, she'll huff and you'll feel shit, but stick with it because when you come out the other side it's much better and much easier.

Every time you doubt yourself just ask yourself "Would I do that do my DS?" and it'll help you get through it.

Given the horrendous behaviour of your dad, coupled with his occupation, I would hazard a guess that she knows full well what is going on but has blocked it in her mind since you were a child because it just was not an 'acceptable' thing to be happening in your household.

It's massively abusive but nothing to do with intelligence. People are very good at holding nonsense beliefs in the forefront of their mind if challenging them would upset a particular narrative or reveal a massive failing on their part. I suspect it's just this - if she acknowledges your allergies then it exposes the horrendous time you had as a child as being her (and your dad's) fault rather than being down to you being difficult. Cognitive dissonance.

its cruel you clearly werent having a tantrum as a child being sick-you can blame certain thinks on the way she was brought up but really its just an excuse noone should treat someone like a liar

I have heard about some Catholics insisting that communion wafers can't harm coeliacs because they are infused with God's goodness (not because they are now human flesh, oddly). This sounds similar - "it's a good, lifegiving thing, it can't hurt you"

I don't believe it is necessarily generational. I'm in the middle of the diagnosis process for coeliac disease and my parents who are in their 70s are looking at how they can support me with going gluten free if I am diagnosed as expected. They were post war babies and brought up in a world where food fads were not tolerated but they have every sympathy with people who avoid/eat certain things for medical reasons.

It seems that if it doesn't fit her world view of how "we" (her brood) should be it is ignored.

I actually know what you mean. My DM is a bit like this. If I say something that she doesn't want to hear, she just... doesn't hear it. When I was a child I told her that I had contacted the school's counseling service because I was having mental health problems. She just stared into the middle distance and walked away as if I hadn't said anything at all. She just didn't want to hear it. I also caught her cheating on my father twice and confronted her about it when I was 12 and she has always pretended this never happened, I think even to herself. She talks about my dad as if he did something uniquely horrible in charging on her several years later. I mean, to some extent we all live in our own private universe, but some people really take it to extremes.

*cheating on her, not 'charging'...

@drspouse

I have heard about some Catholics insisting that communion wafers can't harm coeliacs because they are infused with God's goodness (not because they are now human flesh, oddly). This sounds similar - "it's a good, lifegiving thing, it can't hurt you"

They do provide gluten free wafers on request though, so silly of those claiming that.

I am not Catholic but I think there are some hard line ones that don't think it's OK to have these.

@ErinBrockovich

YANBU OP. There are plenty of children’s books out there designed to explain allergies to people with limited understanding. Perhaps buy her one for her next birthday :)

🤣🤣🤣

This should be a stock response to every9ne who doesn't understand allergies

Found this... It's kind of true, they aren't completely gluten free but should be OK.

www.forbes.com/sites/ritarubin/2017/07/16/can-you-still-take-communion-if-you-have-celiac-disease-since-gluten-free-wafers-are-forbidden/

I just wondered, if your parents are in denial, how did you find out you are allergic? Did you have to wait until you were an adult?

My partner constantly offers me things with dairy and egg in even though I am allergic to both. He is generally thoughtless and annoying though so it just washes over me along with everything else! I do understand why this has annoyed you though, glad you have such a sweet child though (as do I!)

@Illuyanka I went for allergy testing when I left home at 18 - I already knew thou.

[quote drspouse]Found this... It's kind of true, they aren't completely gluten free but should be OK.

www.forbes.com/sites/ritarubin/2017/07/16/can-you-still-take-communion-if-you-have-celiac-disease-since-gluten-free-wafers-are-forbidden/[/quote]
Catholics don't have to take both the bred and wine, since the sacrament is considered complete with just one (usually the Host), but I expect it would be fine to just have the wine, and ask to be first to avoid contamination (most Catholics I know don't take the wine at all, so this bit would be quite easy).

OP, I know you are used to it, so it all seems fairly normal to you, but I find your story quite chilling. Your mother would literally rather let you die than admit to being wrong.

OP, you might want to take a look at the Stately Home thread in Relationships for people with, um, challenging parents.

I feel your pain, my daughter has coeliac and we get treated as if she's just being fussy for some reason.

I remember that awful story @ILoveAllRainbowsx

www.stayathomemum.com.au/my-lifestyle/this-tragic-story-remind-us-why-we-should-always-take-allergies-seriously/

Everything about your childhood was perfect. Possibly even idyllic. (in your DM's view)

Your allergy is an implied criticism of your upbringing. It must be fussiness.

Is no one else still trying to think of a fish that isn’t a finned fish?