DM refuses to accept I have a serious food allergy

[adulthumanwoman]

I have just spent 4 days in Whitby with DM and my DC, causing this issue to raise it's head again.
I have a serious seafood allergy - allergic to all shellfish and molluscs and intolerant of finned fish. I have not had any incident for 15 years and am careful. DM will not accept I have this allergy. The last time I had an allergic response was due to her contaminating my food on a similar self catering break 15yo.
This time my DC are older. Their response to DM's behaviour has made me think. DS got in an argument with her last night when she AGAIN said "It'd nice to all have fish and chips but you don't like it do you" and rolled her eyes. DS said "Gma, Mum is ALLERGIC to fish and she could die - she isn's fussy" (I eat pretty much anything else and am v laid back in most areas of life). She said 'What difference is it, she won't eat it in any case" eyeroll.
I have always treated it as one of her many quirks, but now actually feel incredibly hurt. Why doesn't she care? She ate fish or seafood EVERY meal except breakfast when we were away, I presume because we were at the Seaside and it is incredibly delicious - I have no problem whatsoever with anyone else eating fish and DS loves it.

DS had a milk allergy when he was born but I micro-dosed him under care of a Dietician and helped him overcome it - he is now only very mildly intolerant. She knows this and has never accused DS of being 'fussy' - why me?
AIBU to feel so hurt at her insistence to DC (and everyone else but I don't really care what they think) that I am 'fussy'?
Sorry for the rant, I suppose I really just don't understand why I am so upset today, she's always been like this :(

My mother in law has a seafood 'allergy'. She was sick 50+ years ago after eating some prawns abroad and has not touched any seafood since. Instead, she'll order food with it in and then pick it out. There seem to be so many people with self diagnosed allergies today, that unfortunately, some people are sceptical and genuine cases get included in this scepticism. If your allergy was diagnosed in later life, she may find it harder to understand if you ate fish as a child. Or if you didn't like fish as a child, she may just see this as a continuation. I get why you are annoyed. It is patronising and akin to saying that you are making it up. Unfortunately some mother's still treat their offspring as children, however old they are. Also sometimes people only take things in if they actually see evidence (i.e. you collapsing before she finally gets it).

@adulthumanwoman

I think she has narc traits, prob as a result of her childhood which was very abusive and poor

I think you are absolutely right. It's very difficult when you love someone and can see their good points (especially with others) but you get the shit end of the stick. You sound very patient and understanding. I think I'd tell her once and for all and say if she doesn't stop, I won't be seeing her again. But going NC is big, you'd have to be sure.

Narcissistic behaviour. It turns the attention back on them most of the time and she wants YOU to feel like you are making a fuss.
I was gas lighted as a kid and my mum behaves and behaved similarly.

My mother used to be this way, I have multiple allergies and carry epi pens everywhere. She soon changed her tune when I used a towel that she had cleaned up broken eggs with and forgot to tell me. I immediately came up in the most painful hives and my arms , chest and face went red. She started freaking out thinking i was going to go into full ana and would have to epi pen me. Ever since she wont even eat eggs around me 😅😅

Having read your updates, I see how she has witnessed you being violently ill on many occasions, including as a child, her behaviour is very bizarre.

She's an ignorant,uneducated bitch and you risk your health when you holiday with her! I'd love to show her what anaphylaxis looks like because it'll scare the shit out of anyone who witnessed it. As an RN who carries an Epi pen I don't play around and I'd have told her where to go and how to get there

You are, I'm guessing, the only mother your children have. It would harm them more if you died than if she lost contact with them. It would probably hurt them much more than it would hurt your mother. Please keep yourself safe.

@adulthumanwoman
I was horrendously so I often, do often I damaged my cardiac sphincter and was underweight. I had an episode abroad when I was fed fish curry containing prawn when I was about 8, my uncle spent the night in an ice bath with me feeding me 'herbal' tea to hydrate

Sorry, but that's not normal, I'd even go so far as to say she's being abusive and I don't bandy that around lightly!
She KNOWS you're allergic, why would she deny it, think she knows better, purposefully make her child ill as she doesn't believe in allergies or some such crap?!
I'm allergic to cows milk, difference is when I was about 8 my parents put me onto soya milk.
Not kept feeding me bloody cows milk!
This was in the 80s too, so no "it's a generational thing" crap.
No WAY would I be going on holiday with her, she doesn't sound safe to be around - your kids picking up on it too says a lot!

Maybe tell her that if she harms you with fish, you have arranged it so that thousands of people will know it is her fault. Nasty, but less bad than your children having their mother killed by her mother.

My DM is like that about my nut allergy that I have always had. She thinks it is all in my mind, despite having had myself diagnosed by NHS (as an adult) and having an epidemic. MIL on the other hand always carefully checks ingredients, but my own DM doesn’t acknowledge it. It’s very odd! She, like your Mum, says “you don’t know what you’re missing, I love peanuts”.

@adulthumanwoman

There are plenty of instances not on holiday thou - always fish based meals at her house for example

Just seen this - I wouldn't be dining with her full stop, never mind holidays.
Not. A. Chance.

Some people never get it. One person said to me when I was talking about my dc's allergy, "let him stay at my place, I will give him fresh egg and he will be cured of egg allergy". No way, he will be dead.

But to be honest, you shouldn't be dealing with this now as an adult. Maybe she never understood the seriousness because you are not anaphylactic? Violent vomiting is mild case for my ds, and I can see it not so much different from stomach bug.
One thing I learned by having a child with multiple allergies is not to trust anyone, even my own mother.

You are basically teaching your children that they have an obligation to spend time with someone who will actively try and make you ill just because she is your mother.

At best she's an insensitive, uncaring, nasty piece of work. At worst she is actively trying to harm you deliberately.

Don't eat with her. And when she complains point out why.

I would say cut contact with her, but it's unlikely you will.

For the sake of your children and what they are willing to tolerate from people they love in their future relationships you must take this sign from your child and stand up for yourself.

Thanks so much for your comments.

She is a little otherworldly if you know what I mean, floats in and out in a world of her own.

@Shoxfordian DC say I am 'shellfish' not to enjoy a fish supper - but they are JOKING!

@gingerbiscuits DH wouldn't say anything - she has a 'way' with men and she gets away with blue murder .

@AldiAisleofCrap My dad is much much worse, my god, he is a total nightmare. We rarely see him. He has a frankly ludicrous number of children and is sketchy on my age/kids ages let alone medical conditions. To depict the extent of his narc behaviour, famously, he was watching Lawrence of Arabia when my brother was trampled by a bullock and he refused to drive to hospital until it had finished (it is a bloody long film). I stayed out of his way mostly. He was always fishing and obsessed with it, really.

So when you were a child she deliberately fed you fish knowing it would make you ill? That's horribly abusive op.

She is doing stuff to deliberately harm you.

I'm sure she's lovely to your children but she is absolutely toxic to you. If she were anyone else, you'd think she was an absolute psychopath for endlessly serving fish when she knows it makes you very ill. She's trying to poison you.

@lyralalala you are right, I won't. I will not go away with her again thou, and I will be firm with boundaries. She is my mum at the end of the day and she is very flawed, but I love her very much. It just hurts that she is so complacent. She is exceptionally careful with herself and always takes great care of her health.

Oh this is so annoying. I've heard it from older relatives - oh we didn't have all these 'allergies' years ago - well no you didn't but you also never ate a banana til your teens and hadn't heard of a kiwi til you were in your 30s! Allergies just weren't recognised or diagnosed as well so I think there's a lot of disbelief surrounding them now among the previous generation. What on earth will it take for your mother to not only believe you but understand and respect that fact that you have a very serious allergy?!

My dad is much much worse, my god, he is a total nightmare. I stayed out of his way mostly. He was always fishing and obsessed with it, really

Your Dad's obsessed with fish as well as your mum?
Even though their dd is allergic?
They sound batshit and not safe to be round.

"He was always fishing and obsessed with it, really."

So he was obsessed with catching it & your mum with you eating it!

Your dc really aren't going to think so highly of her in future when they find out she systematically/deliberately tried for kill you for years!!
If that's a fab granny stone me op...

She is very clever - incredibly so really, a phenomenal memory for detail. She knows so many poems and stories and songs, but she can't remember this. It seems that if it doesn't fit her world view of how "we" (her brood) should be it is ignored. DB has MH issues that are ignored ("oh he's on the sofa again, silly man haha" and tells his wife "he was always quite mad, and ever so dramatic hahahaha").

[quote adulthumanwoman]@lyralalala you are right, I won't. I will not go away with her again thou, and I will be firm with boundaries. She is my mum at the end of the day and she is very flawed, but I love her very much. It just hurts that she is so complacent. She is exceptionally careful with herself and always takes great care of her health.[/quote]
It's incredibly hard to do. It took me until one of my brothers punched me in the fact to walk away from my family so I do get it and that's why I said what I said about you not cutting contact.

She's not complacent though. She either doesn't believe you or she's actively trying to harm you. That's a very different thing.

Your children need to see you stand up for yourself. Your child is already standing up to you. They need to know that they were right to do that. Granny is wrong and we don't have to accept it just because she's Granny.

Children who are abused (and you were/are abused by her - making you ill is abuse) go one of two ways with their children. They repeat the pattern, as your mother has, or they change the pattern by showing their kids the right way to do it, like you are.

Good luck

There was a thread on here recently about why so many people seem to have allergies ‘these days’ and there was a discussion about how ‘in the old days’ children with allergies died before they made it to adulthood.

Your DM is a great example of the lack of understanding that still exists OP. Protect yourself.

@Quaagars, @diddl he is a very keen fisherman - he grew up on a Caribbean island and it is his culture. Fishing, growing his own food, cooking on a fire etc. They see fish as natural healthy food. My allergy was an inconvenience to them and spoiled the dream. I don't think for a moment it was deliberate poisoning. I suppose it is more like if an ardent anti vaxer's child caught measles - hugely inconvenient!