DM refuses to accept I have a serious food allergy

[adulthumanwoman]

I have just spent 4 days in Whitby with DM and my DC, causing this issue to raise it's head again.
I have a serious seafood allergy - allergic to all shellfish and molluscs and intolerant of finned fish. I have not had any incident for 15 years and am careful. DM will not accept I have this allergy. The last time I had an allergic response was due to her contaminating my food on a similar self catering break 15yo.
This time my DC are older. Their response to DM's behaviour has made me think. DS got in an argument with her last night when she AGAIN said "It'd nice to all have fish and chips but you don't like it do you" and rolled her eyes. DS said "Gma, Mum is ALLERGIC to fish and she could die - she isn's fussy" (I eat pretty much anything else and am v laid back in most areas of life). She said 'What difference is it, she won't eat it in any case" eyeroll.
I have always treated it as one of her many quirks, but now actually feel incredibly hurt. Why doesn't she care? She ate fish or seafood EVERY meal except breakfast when we were away, I presume because we were at the Seaside and it is incredibly delicious - I have no problem whatsoever with anyone else eating fish and DS loves it.

DS had a milk allergy when he was born but I micro-dosed him under care of a Dietician and helped him overcome it - he is now only very mildly intolerant. She knows this and has never accused DS of being 'fussy' - why me?
AIBU to feel so hurt at her insistence to DC (and everyone else but I don't really care what they think) that I am 'fussy'?
Sorry for the rant, I suppose I really just don't understand why I am so upset today, she's always been like this :(

Also this list of food allergy deaths makes for some sober reading
nonutsmomsgroup.weebly.com/blog/remembering-those-we-have-lost-to-food-allergies

Have you sat down with your mum and said” Look mum, if I eat seafood then you’ll need to inject me with this” while wafting you’re epipen under her nose?

Is no one else still trying to think of a fish that isn’t a finned fish?

As opposed to shell fish I assume.

I agree with some of the previous posters. your mother sounds as though she has Narcissistic tendancies. Please protect yourself and your children.

It's a control thing.

She KNOWS how dangerously allergic you are, it's nothing to do with forgetting. So forget all the 'ways to make her listen' stuff - this is about her, her stance is deliberate.

This is actually really common with people who want to be in control or are abusive in some way. They want to be the ones dictating your responses, is the best way I can think of putting it, and they really really get wound up by the thought of something to do with you - who are supposed to be in a subordinate position - having something about them that is an official 'You can't get your own way here'. It's in the same category as abusive husbands being furious with wives being ill, or getting more abusive when the wife is pregnant.

She hates that there is something about you that she has to listen to you over. Where what you say goes - and there is no way around it, she cannot override you or she will look very clearly like the control freak she is. Simply the fact that if she offered you fish you would refuse and that this response is 'cordoned off' from her being able to push what she wants - it's a red rag to a bull.

Limit contact loads, and start calling it what it is. Next time:

'No, I know you simply can't bear the fact that I've got an officially stamped excuse for you not getting to override me for once, but there's nothing I can do about it I'm afraid' (smile)

'Yep, still dangerously allergic, yep, I know that still makes you absolutely furious because you didn't get to decide it, yep, same old. (laugh)

She's a nasty cow, but you kind of know that.

I don't have a problem with friends and family - just restaurants.

I'm allergic to celery. Fairly unusual, and although I won't die (I don't think), I do get very, very sick. I have thrown up in a restaurant as a result of someone 'forgetting' to make my salad without it (I can usually detect it from a distance, fortunately). It only takes one tiny piece, or the residue from celery being removed (this is quite common), to do that. I no longer trust new places enough to order a green salad, soup, or anything with a sauce.

The problem seems to be that so many people have 'allergies' when they just don't like something, that people think we're all just 'fussy' eaters. My DM has gone into anaphylactic shock (really scary) from inadvertently eating seafood, so I sympathize.

God she sounds horrible. A real nightmare. Eyerolls, teasing, constant comments. I’d be refusing any holidays with her in future. She can eyeroll all she wants at home, alone, and reflect on the fact that actions have consequences.

Here's is another thought: the need to control everything can be the flip-side of anxiety (my mother is like that).
Your mother might find it frightening and upsetting that there is something that can make you seriously ill that she cannot cure or solve, so simply denies that it exists.

You know your mother better than anybody on this thread and what approach to take. I completely agree with PP it is not a matter of her not listening, she choses to behave in an ignorant manner, for whatever reason.

At the end of the day any possible explanation for her behaviour is NOT an excuse.

I'm glad I didn't wade into this thread earlier because its clear the OP didn't want any advice. She asked AIBU to feel hurt, we all said no, in fact you should feel even more hurt! and then she's spent the rest of her posts telling us how wonderful, mysterious, amazing her mum is.

It sounds like someone defending an abuser you know how sometimes you read "oh but he's a great dad" and you think no he's fucking not ... its the voice I hear in the OP's posts

I've heard it from older relatives - oh we didn't have all these 'allergies' years ago

I'm 65, and I know we did have them. I went into anaphylaxis when I first ate prawns when I was 16. Thankfully, my DM had been a nurse and knew exactly what it was.

I was lucky though, it gradually wore off over the years. It was so bad, I used to get hives on my face if someone who'd eaten prawns gave me a peck on the cheek. Weirdly though, I've developed a reaction to mussels (they make me puke for 24 hours) and crab (tingly mouth and lips), both of which I used to be able to eat.

Your mum is really irresponsible OP, and I think you're wise not to go away with her again, and not to eat at her house.

Erm... you mention that her mother was horrible and abusive but she still maintained a relationship with her and loved her and how odd you found it. But, you do realize you’re continuing the cycle? Your mother is abusive, even if she wasn’t “as bad” as her mother or your father. It’s not a competition. She was abusive to you as a child, and her not accepting your allergy is abusive now. Please read back your justifications for what happened (it was just because it didn’t fit in your parents’ world view, it was because they considered fish healthy food so they let you be so sick you became underweight, an uncle who was a stranger took more care of you than your parents).

Ask yourself: would you do this to your children? Is there any excuse in the world in which you could justify ignoring their pain, making them vomit on purpose, allowing them to get underweight? Do you think it would be acceptable to do to your children at age 8, or 12, or 20, or 40? It never becomes acceptable to treat people badly. I’m not saying to go no contact; I’m just recommending that you think about your relationship with your mother, maybe consider some counseling for yourself, and stop justifying her actions when they’re hurting you. You DESERVE to feel safe.

Also, I hate to say this, and maybe someone else did, but allergies can evolve. While you’ve had vomiting and hives in the past, you could suddenly experience swelling and throat closure next time. People have died from allergies that didn’t cause anaphylaxis previously, sometimes even with Epi-pens. So she really could kill you.

Argh, OP, you have my sympathy. Families can be so complicated.

Sounds to me like some kind of weird denial that your DM is subconsciously stuck in but also struggling with. It can become a very odd kind of power struggle, I think.

Not read the whole thread but in my experience anyone who doesn’t have an allergy/intolerance doesn’t seem to get it. I have a severe milk allergy and people think I am ‘fussy’ or even worse into milk alternatives to try and be cool and make some sort of statement. Very unfortunate when it’s your mother who treats you like this though. I wouldn’t bother going anywhere with her involving food or seaside towns.

@GnomeDePlume exactly

@DishingOutDone I don't idolise her. She is hugely flawed and I am glad to know it is expected that a parent is more caring. She had a hard time and far too many DC, I have understanding but will keep my distance.

My husband has a very severe fish allergy. His mother seems to take it as a personal insult. I think she also doesn’t like it overshadowing her illnesses on the rare occasion he had reactions.

How lovely of your son to stick up for you

Next time ask her if she has Munchausen syndrome by proxy. As a ‘joke’. Repeat the ‘joke’ as often as she eats, offers or talks about fish With you.

@FeckTheMagicDragon about 5 years ago she was telling me about a book she'd read about Munchausen Syndrome by proxy and I laughed and said 'you're the opposite- you deny your kids are sick! She laughed uproariously and went for a swim 😂

@Thehop give him my condolences, it's so odd.

The parents I know of who do this usually fit into one of 3 categories:

1. The ones who think it's exaggerated. They're usually the ones who will deliberately add food that the person is allergic to as a test. They're hoping there will be no allergic reaction and then they can reveal what they did.

2. The ones who don't want attention being taken away from them by someone else. Only their own medical issues are important.

3. The ones who think that if they don't acknowledge the allergy, it will all just go away by itself.

OP, my father I think is similar (esp the bit about being well read, often being good company, not caring for the opinions of others, having a high opinion of himself and being good with children).

For years, despite his occasional bad behaviour, I kept seeing him and having the family see him, primarily because I thought that it was important for my kids to have a relationship with him.

Then someone (on here) pointed out that I was teaching my kids to put up with being treated badly and occasionally being physically hurt.

That made me realise it had to stop. We are v low contact now, and i have told my children why. Why didn't even question it, as they'd seen his behaviour.

Your mother's behaviour is appalling. I suspect yours might feel the same.

To help you decide if your children should see you being treated like this, maybe ask yourself - "Is her bahviour so bad that if I did it I would think I was a terrible person?".

It does sound like she has tried to harm.you when you were young. Like testing you to see if it's the truth and to see you il and vomming all night as a child why is she now still trying to get you to eat fish?

Have you actually directly said to her "why are you trying to get me to eat fish when you know it makes me very unwell as I'm allergic to it?"

And also, I personally think she doesn't want you having too much attention and this allergy is attention.

Oh and I don't know a single person who has "normal" parents. Everyone's a bloody weirdo.

@FizzyGreenWater thanks for posting this:

*It's a control thing.

She KNOWS how dangerously allergic you are, it's nothing to do with forgetting. So forget all the 'ways to make her listen' stuff - this is about her, her stance is deliberate.

This is actually really common with people who want to be in control or are abusive in some way. They want to be the ones dictating your responses, is the best way I can think of putting it, and they really really get wound up by the thought of something to do with you - who are supposed to be in a subordinate position - having something about them that is an official 'You can't get your own way here'. It's in the same category as abusive husbands being furious with wives being ill, or getting more abusive when the wife is pregnant.

She hates that there is something about you that she has to listen to you over. Where what you say goes - and there is no way around it, she cannot override you or she will look very clearly like the control freak she is. Simply the fact that if she offered you fish you would refuse and that this response is 'cordoned off' from her being able to push what she wants - it's a red rag to a bull.*

It just explained a lot about my parent and I feel like the the scales fell from my eyes just now.
Also sounds spot on to the OPs situation.

OP,
Your mother sounds so awful.

@FizzyGreenWater....has nailed it.

Give some thought to your children and what they learn from seeing their grandmother prepared to cause great harm to you...her child, their mother.

I think you feel unable to accept that yours is a deeply abusive relationship and always has been.

I think you feel upset and down about it because you are so resistant to the truth and your body and mind are reacting to that.

Protect yourself....literally.