To wonder how common it is for siblings not to like it other

[thedaywewillremeber]

My older two really don’t get on and have said they dislike each other. I spoke to the lady who lives next door who mentioned her children also don’t like each other. My two are young adults as are hers. I would have thought my two were in the minority.

I haven't spoken to my sister in almost 20 years. We see each other at family funerals and she makes a beeline for me and tries to mug me for my friendship but I cannot bear her. She has bullied me my entire life. She tries to dominate every single person she comes into contact with. She has no friends and her husband and kids have no life, just a string of coping strategies. She treated our parents appallingly too and I can't forgive her for her behaviour when first DMum died and then DDad. It's too outing to put on here what she did on both occasions but it's jaw dropping. My neice has a similar personality and I struggle to be near her too. I would love to talk to her as we are both getting older and she has had C. We have so many people in common and it would be amazing to reminisce but she could not do this without putting me down, correcting my grammar, talking loudly about her achievements and the weird thing she has where she tries to brag one minute and complain about her situation in life the next. She just minces my brain so staying away is best. I keep saying that she may have mellowed with age and illness but I am not well myself and am not prepared to risk even one barbed comment let alone the massive slew that just issues forth from her effortlessly where I am concerned. Just ......no.

I think that sometimes siblings relationships are affected my the parents.

When I was a kid my Mum really spoilt my little brother but was unkind to me and m

and my older brother. Consequently, my older brother and I had a really strong bond. It was very much 'us and them' and we were resentful of my younger brother as he was given presents that we weren't and he used to run it in our faces.

Later, as we were all over 10, my parents broke up and my mum turned on us all. My younger brother and I were often alone in the house and we became reliant on each other. We went from hurting each other to being best friends.

I love both of my brothers but see my younger brother more as we have a bit more in common these days but we've all got each others backs. We had to stick together because of our narcissistic mother.
My dad always said to us 'there are so many people out there that will want to hurt you, so you lot must stick together'.

Loved my brother but sadly he died some years ago. My two get on well.

I sometimes think siblings relationships are affected by the parents

Definitely. Our mum used the “divide and conquer” method it honestly felt like she set us up against each other at times.

My own children are very, very close. I've bought them up to be kind to each other, to look after each other and to stick together. Family first. If they're at a kids club together and someone's not nice to them they will stand together and stick up for each other.

During lockdown they only had a couple of arguments which is pretty amazing given how we were all cooped up together and they share a bedroom.

The expectation has always been you never physically hurt each other and be kind. That expectation has been there since they were tiny tots.

We give lots and lots of praise and rewards when they do nice things for each other. It's therefore on their interests to be nice to their siblings.

I just don't get these parents that allow their children to hit each other or verbally abuse the other and then wonder why their kids don't get on.

Bil and sil (DHs brother and sister) don't really get on.

Mainly because he refuses to acknowledge she's an adult (she's 50!) and then she in turn becomes Kevin the teenager.

I'm very low contact with my DB. I do love him deep down and I feel for him because he's so mentally unwell but I can't have him in my life. Because he claims not to remember that we were sexually abused as children and idolises the memory of our abuser, our F (who died 22 years ago).

I get on great with my DSis, though, and it's helped by the fact that our DC are similar ages.

Our DDs are adopted and full birth siblings. I hope they will be close as adults as they could be a great support for each other. They squabble constantly but they really care for each other as well. (They're 11 and 8.)

I think it's much more common than people might think. Unfortunately not all siblings are compatible. Just because you have the same parents does not mean you have the same values, beliefs, interests etc.

I have a difficult/non existent relationship with my sibling. We weren't close as children and as we've gotten older the gap has widened even further. We're now very, very different people and she has said and done some quite crappy stuff. In my opinion she's not a particularly nice person.

It has gotten me down in the past, but now I try to accept it as 'it is what it is'. I used to be embarrassed of our poor relationship and would keep it to myself. However, I've found it's better to be honest if people ask. That's often when others will also be honest with you and say 'well actually, I don't have a great relationship with XYZ either...'.

I split my brother into pre and post drug addiction.

The pre-drug stage was most of our childhood. In this stage, we were best friends and actively chose to spend time together. Lots of mutual friends and interests.

The post-drug stage (the last decade), everything we bonded over has ebbed away. I am now practically no contact and can't foresee that ending. I am resigned to the fact that one day, I'll receive a call to say he is gone.

Very sad, but nothing I can do.

In my own experience and that of my friends, most siblings grow up to be friendly if not close even if they fought a lot or didn’t have much in common as kids. I like spending time with both my siblings, even my brother who was my stepdads biological ‘golden child.’ We all have similar views on our parents dysfunction/unreasonableness though so we cannot be played off against each other any more. I imagine neither me or my sister would like my brother very much if he was still revelling in being the favourite!

I think one thing that helped with my sister & me was that our parents never pushed us together. We just became friends once we were ready to.

I don’t dislike my sister but we have absolutely nothing in common, we are completely different in every way so we rarely see or speak to each other. We certainly wouldn’t be friends if we weren’t related. I am very very close to my cousin however who was brought up at the opposite end of the country to me and we would definitely be friends even if we weren’t related. DH is very close to his brother and spends a lot of time with him but not with his sister. Families are complicated.

I just don’t get these parents that allow their children to hit each other or verbally abuse the other, then wonder why their kids don’t get on

This!! So many parents minimise and excuse physical and verbal bullying in the home calling it “normal”. No it’s neither normal or acceptable to be repeatedly attacked under your own roof, the fact that a sibling is doing it makes no difference. It’s the parents responsibility to stop this shit, and preferably ensure it never starts in the first place.

I dislike my sister intensely and we don't speak. It's all fine and well for me to say she is incredibly toxic and controlling but I recognise that's my perspective and she probably has a different just as unflattering one of me. Honestly some of it is the way we were brought up, we were very much brought up in competition with each other so some of the seeds were sown as children. Ultimately however it comes down to the fact she stayed in the area with my DP and I got out. They did a truly impressive number on her and her mental health is shot (if you are in the family we do a wonderful job of presenting a terribly acceptable family image when it's a quagmire of emotional and psychological abuse going back decades....to the rest of the world she appears simply to be controlling and over the top , shes actually to my mind a truly nasty borderline sinister person).

My dm has no concept of how she started this process (can't blame them totally we are adults and now could change things but neither of us particularly want to) and is repeatedly confused as she is very close to one of her siblings.

I think those close to family and siblings have bo concept of those that aren't. I find myself irritated by the "but its faaaaaammmmmmily " rhetoric and find it a bit childish. My sister is a dick , so I don't deal with her. The fact that we came from the same parents seems entirely irrelevant in terms of whether I should forgive her for being vile. Accident if birth is frankly not my problem.

I don’t think our dislike of each other is due to where or how we were brought up. More to do with the 10 year age gap and very different adult life experiences.

MissyB1 exactly!

My kids have friends and I'm horrified when I see them.taking lumps out of their siblings and when I've pointed it out to the parents their response is 'meh!' as if it's the most normal thing in the world!!! My own children are really shocked by that kind of behaviour as it is completely alien to them. These kids hurt each other because they've been given the green light by their parents to do it!

I get on with my brother but am now closer to my sis in law (his wife). My husband no longer speaks to his two sisters who also don’t speak to each other (they were close till 2 to 3 years ago when something happened)

I would be lost without my sister, we speak daily.
DH is close to his sister too.
Our 3 DC are all over 18 now, they were best friends as children and remain so now. We have been blessed to be together over lockdown but even when they are away they are always sending each other daft things over the internet and online gaming together.
The lads are only a year apart and are like twins really. They even share friends.
I would be distraught if they hated each other as I cant live with conflict.
I Even insist that the cat and dog get on well.

i just don’t get these parents that allow their children to hit each other or verbally abuse the other, then wonder why their kids don’t get on bit simplistic, my sister and I, and many of my friends (particularly sisters) were vicious!!! I once threw a remote at my sister and it cut her eye. We are though very close, and indeed all my friends are with theirs. Of course parents should intervene when nasty or violent, but honestly not every disagreement and nasty word, otherwise you’d get nothing else done some days.

I can’t stand 2 of my sisters. I dint have much time for my brothers either.

I expect it's quite common.

I used to get on quite well with my dbro when we were younger I'd say we were pretty close, but he's made some life choices that are impossible to live with. That and some addiction and mental health issues have made it very difficult to have much of a relationship.

I get along ok with my dsis but we do rub each other up the wrong way a fair bit. I think it's her but she probably thinks it's me.

Thankfully I've never fallen out with either of them to the point where we don't speak, but I think we have an unspoken understanding not to annoy one another too much.

My dh doesn't see much of his sibling. They get along fine but I think they just have nothing in common.

It's sad because as a parent you hope your dc will be friends for life but it isn't always to be.

As well as the people who just don't really have anything in common with a brother or sister, I have been shocked over the last few years at how minor an issue it can take to sour a familial relationship that was seemingly ticking along okay. I know of several people who have more or less stopped contact with a family member over pretty minor grievances or misunderstandings. Sibling relationships seem to be most vulnerable as there is so often a background of rivalry / difficult parents / favouritism etc.

I adore both my brother and my sister, although my sister is my best friend and soul mate.

My husband thinks we’re unusual for be so close - he can take or leave his sister although they do get on for short periods of time.

I think most people I know get on with their siblings though, over Alex

I am an only child. I’ve longed for a sibling for as long as I can remember. I even used to make up imaginary ones. But perhaps you have to be careful what you wish for.

My DH has one brother. There’s absolutely no animosity between them and I think they love each other but there’s absolutely no closeness. Different personalities I think!