@notheragain4
My sons, 9 and 6, do not get on, never have. And it makes family life so stressful. I wish they would just leave each other alone but DS2 always wants to provoke a reaction (I think because he hates that eldest doesn't give him attention)
We are at the end of our tether with it, it honestly breaks my heart. I understand they don't have to like each other, but I wish they could be civil. They are lovely apart, but together they're so draining to be around.
Any advice very much welcome!!!
@notheragain4
I didn't get on for years with my brother.
But one of the things that really didn't help was dm was desperate for us to get on, so she would push us to do things together and then make comments to me along the lines of "oh he adores you" or "isn't he so good at…."
And anything I did, he had to do, and she would tell me how good he was.
I felt constantly stepped on because everything I did/had he had to.
And because I was easier to deal with than him, I was always the one who was expected to give way.
And he was also excellent at winding people up (yes, my parents acknowledged this) but they also thought (between being wound up themselves) that I should just ignore what he had just done. I never felt listened to about issues.
So what I would suggest is:
Make sure your dc have their own things. eg. The 9yo gets into streetdance. The 6yo is naturally desperate to do it as he's heard how brilliant it is from his brother.
Stop there. Yes, it would be nice to have a common interest for them, it would be far easier for you to have them in the same class, but your 9yo/6yo needs to be able to enjoy something without feeling compared. Suggest your 6yo tries tap.
Yes, they can do some things the same, but make sure they are individuals with individual interests.
Equally well don't always get them the same thing at the same time. Little things, yes fine, but big "grown up things" eg mobile. They get it for their 10th birthday and that doesn't change because the younger one moans.
Listen to them. If they say "I really wanted a kite and I told you, and you came home with a kite for dbro". They're not saying this just to make your cross with the other one. They probably did want a kite. They may well have even told you, but you didn't register. Apologise, don't tell them they didn't really want one.
If they say "I hate it when he bounces on the sofa when we're trying to watch TV" then think of solutions. Don't say "oh it isn't that bad" or "you should ignore it."
Then we have the way you treat them. It's very easy to get into the mindset of the older one is old and responsible, able to cope with more advanced things and also disappointments.
Whereas the younger one is still a baby, not able to cope with some things, and needs helping doing all sorts.
It's easy to find you're still eg running the baby's bath at age 12yo (as my parents did) when the first born was fine at 6yo. And you can also find that phrases such as:
"oh let him, he's only little."
"You can do that when you're his age"
"Just let him join in, it's not fair to leave him out."
Are fine in moderation, but when it starts being one sided-so if you always expect the 6yo to be allowed to join in with the 9yo's friends, but the 9yo is told to "leave them alone" when the 6yo has friends, it breeds resentment.
Let them be their own people. And acknowledge that one is older-with an older bedtime, more pocket money and chores.
And that one is younger with more assistance (like a bedtime story) etc.
And don't compare them either to each other or to other people, but do acknowledge if one has a talent-not in a "he is better" way but in a "yes he is very good at X"-and no, don't ways add, "but his brother is really good at Y".
Celebrate their own achievements and commiserate with their own failures. Don't be afraid to acknowledge that they each have their own things they are good at.
You can't guarantee they will get on. But if they have space to be themselves and not feel in competition then it will help them not to fight, even if they don't become best friends.