To leave for a few days without saying anything?

[Endoftheline2020]

First time posting but I have lurked on the boards since TTC.

DH and I have been fighting pretty much non-stop since DC was born. The first month or so we parented well together but I feel like once the novelty wore off and he went back to work, he figured that parenting was my problem. I have felt massively let down by his lack of help and have made no secret of my resentment. He doesn’t do nappies, feeds, baths or naps. He loves playing with the baby and will ‘take charge’ while we are out (usually pushing the pram) but that is it.

I am exhausted and feel like I have no time for myself. I constantly bring this up and point out what I need help with only to be shouted down. Each argument gets twisted into how everything is my fault and I just haven’t ‘taken to motherhood.’ I tell him that I thought we were going to co-parent and that not all the responsibility would fall to me. I just I thought I could rely on him to be a father not a playmate.

He wanted children even before me and was keen to TTC. We had several losses and were going to be investigated until I fell pregnant with DC who ‘stuck.’ I’m shocked that someone who wanted children so badly and who was devastated with each loss could now be an indifferent father to our much-wanted baby.

So I come to my problem. We have both been WFH during lockdown. Monday he will need to travel in to work, giving me a chance to pack up with DC to go to a friend’s house for a few days. I feel like the space might helps us realise whether or not we want to continue our marriage though I am close to being done. AIBU?

I don’t know if he would forgive me for leaving but I don’t know if I can forgive him for failing us both so badly.

I think it's unfair as he might think you've had an accident or similar.

So at least tell him after you've left.

Would you try counselling e.g. Relate?

To just leave would be cruel. You need to talk. Parenting is hard and a huge adjustment to all. Good luck.

He does sound selfish but probably doesn't deserve the panicked feeling of having his wife and child disappear. Leave a note.

I wouldn’t leave without saying anything, but you could leave a note.

What was his parents’ model? Mum did everything at home and dad worked? If so that is probably what he expected to replicate and it is going to take a lot of long and serious discussions to get him to (hopefully) understand that you have a completely different set up in mind.

Go to your friends and have a good think about whether you want to stay with someone who thinks their only parenting responsibility is playing and pushing the pram (bet he only pushes the pram to show the world what an excellent dad he is).

I hate to say this, but abuse often starts with the birth of a baby, and the abuser is often the one who pushed for having children. They feel that you're then trapped and won't leave. The fact that he shuts you down, and gaslights you when you try to discuss your relationship is a red flag for abuse.

If you come back from your friend's and decide to give it another go, he may well step up for a while, but then will slip back, so beware any of his promises to change.

@Motoko

Go to your friends and have a good think about whether you want to stay with someone who thinks their only parenting responsibility is playing and pushing the pram (bet he only pushes the pram to show the world what an excellent dad he is).

I hate to say this, but abuse often starts with the birth of a baby, and the abuser is often the one who pushed for having children. They feel that you're then trapped and won't leave. The fact that he shuts you down, and gaslights you when you try to discuss your relationship is a red flag for abuse.

If you come back from your friend's and decide to give it another go, he may well step up for a while, but then will slip back, so beware any of his promises to change.

You've jumped a long way there! There is no suggestion of abuse in the OP!

You certainly need to do something and good for you for doing it this swiftly, start as you mean to go on. How dare he try to pass blame on to you by saying you haven't taken to motherhood! how fucking sexist, no clearly HE hasn't taken to fatherhood because he does fuck all fathering!

In regards to your question I would not tell him you were going but I would leave a note so he doesn't end up calling round the hospitals etc

after he's gone to work and as you leave then a text to say just so you know I'm taking a few days with 'x' away as I need a break. I'll be staying with my friend and you can contact me by text only and I'll be back on Sunday (or whatever). Once I'm home we need to talk about your commitment to our child and our marriage/relationship

I hope it goes ok and have a good break

Charlotte

I would talk to him and explain you need a few days apart. Don't just up and leave, that is bound to cause more stress.

Would you not feel safe telling him in advance you were going for a few days? Or going when he is home? If not, this is a big problem.

If you feel able to, can you explain how the conversations go? Eg 'ok here you go it's your turn to change the nappy', how is that met? Does he get angry or refuse? Or is it that he is just not noticing or offering (still annoying but a different problem).

By all means leave for a few days, but tell him that’s what you’re doing. Just imagine the sheer panic you would feel if you got home to find him and your baby gone. He should know where you are.

Just ask yourself what you would think and feel if you came home and found that he had disappeared with the baby.

Talk to him, and say you need some time away. I agree with PPs that it's cruel, and it is likely to make things a lot worse. How would you feel if he did the same, not even saying he was safe? And obviously as you'll be taking your child that is even worse. Just be firm, say we are going away, if you are worried about his reaction, message or phone when you are safely away.

I presume you would tell him where you have gone?

Why wouldn't you leave him with the baby for a couple of nights? HAve your bag packed when he gets home, a few bottles made and nappies in the house. Then when he comes home say that you need a break for a night or two and are going to your friends house and leave. He will never understand what he is leaving you to do unless he has to do it too (and even then I don't hold out much hope - he clearly thinks mother means doing all the hard work and father means performance stuff like playing and pushing the pram)

Does he understand that if you get divorced and he wants to see his baby, he will have to do everything during his time not just the fun bits.

Why wouldn't you say anything?

I'm genuinely curious.

You haven’t taken to motherhood? I would point out that pushing a pram does not make him father of the fucking year!

I can see why you want to do this but I would just text and tell him where you are and what you are considering.

Motherhood is not you parenting 24/7 with no break. How fucking insulting. What a dick.

You would be foolish to just opt out and go, as it would cause worry for your partner, it's an immature thing to do. If you cannot cope with things, and your relationship is not going well, then you have to face things, and have a discussion with your partner about the future.

Does he like pushing the pram because then people out and about will see him being a good dad? But when he’s at home he doesn’t have external witnesses? A break might be a good idea if you feel that angry towards him.

Leaving for a few days: yes
Leaving without saying anything : absolutely not.

That would be beyond cruel. Imagine that in reverse. No matter how the situation is between you guys, leaving without a word is not done.

But do leave. Clear your head. Talk to people. Make lists of what you want from him. What you need from him. And what you would do if he is unwilling to cooperate.

Babies are hard work yes. But the fact he is not doing naps, baths nor feeding is just not on. So you need to figure out how to make it very clear to him that he is as much a parent as you are, and that certain (boring) parts of raising a baby are part of it.

I guess you have to figure out if you can live with him being the way he is now. Or that he needs to clean his act up. However this also means that you have to step up. And stop enabling him to just take the easy road (by not doing jack shit).

Be clear. Be confident. You are in control of your future. Parenting you do together. It is not a just a 'female job'.

Whoops! Sorry, I should have been clearer that I would say something after I left. I wouldn't leave him panicking that something had happened. I just wouldn't warn him beforehand.

As for those of you who suggested counselling, I asked for it many times and was he would adamant that he would absolutely never agree to it.

A break sounds a lovely idea, but please don't just up and leave without telling him, he may be acting like a twat but imagine how you would feel if you got in from work and he and your child were missing. send the message that @chargeorge suggested and then have a few days relaxing with your baby.

FWIW when my daughter was a tiny baby me and my husband really got up each others noses most of the time, we were exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed and our home was like a pressure cooker, and once we established our roles things got much easier. Maybe try relate counselling where you can get your point across without it turning into an argument, he should be an equal parent, not just pushing a pram!

Tell him how disappointed you are that he sees fatherhood as nothing more than pushing the pram for show and playing. Definitely have a break to do some thinking.

How old is your DC? Are you both working?

What do you honestly believe leaving will achieve? Are you prepared for what will happen if he doesn't want you to or allow you to return?

@Fatted

How old is your DC? Are you both working?

What do you honestly believe leaving will achieve? Are you prepared for what will happen if he doesn't want you to or allow you to return?

How can he not allow her to return to her own house? Don't be stupid