To leave for a few days without saying anything?

[Endoftheline2020]

First time posting but I have lurked on the boards since TTC.

DH and I have been fighting pretty much non-stop since DC was born. The first month or so we parented well together but I feel like once the novelty wore off and he went back to work, he figured that parenting was my problem. I have felt massively let down by his lack of help and have made no secret of my resentment. He doesn’t do nappies, feeds, baths or naps. He loves playing with the baby and will ‘take charge’ while we are out (usually pushing the pram) but that is it.

I am exhausted and feel like I have no time for myself. I constantly bring this up and point out what I need help with only to be shouted down. Each argument gets twisted into how everything is my fault and I just haven’t ‘taken to motherhood.’ I tell him that I thought we were going to co-parent and that not all the responsibility would fall to me. I just I thought I could rely on him to be a father not a playmate.

He wanted children even before me and was keen to TTC. We had several losses and were going to be investigated until I fell pregnant with DC who ‘stuck.’ I’m shocked that someone who wanted children so badly and who was devastated with each loss could now be an indifferent father to our much-wanted baby.

So I come to my problem. We have both been WFH during lockdown. Monday he will need to travel in to work, giving me a chance to pack up with DC to go to a friend’s house for a few days. I feel like the space might helps us realise whether or not we want to continue our marriage though I am close to being done. AIBU?

I don’t know if he would forgive me for leaving but I don’t know if I can forgive him for failing us both so badly.

@Colom I don't think you are foolish at all. There are times when we have had a few good days that I think we should try for another soon so I know that temptation well. I am 36 and know if I leave chances are slim I will ever have another baby if I leave. We were meant to be TTC again soon but I can't like this. It makes things even more difficult thinking I won't hold a snuggly newborn again.

I'd leave him permanently to be honest.

Make sure you take all precious stuff with you - laptop with photos, birth cert, and make sure you've got all financial details you might need including any data relating to his work (payslips, NI number etc) that you can. Just In Case.

^ This.

Also take anything that is precious to you, valuable or has sentimental value.

Be very careful what you say in the leaving letter as it may be used against you or posted publicly i.e on Facebook for sympathy.

I would tell him you're going away for a few days and would be contactable on your phone. Say you need to think things through regarding your relationship and his lack of commitment to you and the baby. Say you think he also needs to think through the relationship from his point of view.

That gives him the opportunity to see how he feels about you and vice versa, without any drama and disappearing acts.

There is no suggestion of abuse in the OP!

The OP says "I constantly bring this up and point out what I need help with only to be shouted down." and "Each argument gets twisted into how everything is my fault."

That's the beginning of abuse right there.

I missed some of your posts. It's actually freaky how alike our situations are. Reading your husband's words is making me wonder if mine is living a double life! The whole "you know where the door is" spiel. Also this is so, so familiar:

I think he knows how down I feel. We've barely spoken other than another argument this morning and tonight he has sorted a takeaway and is merrily playing with the baby while I tidy up. All without being asked. Why is it always that a row needs to proceed this? I don't understand how he doesn't get this should be the norm?

I too would find myself hopeful/grateful if he did the bare minimum without being asked. And it also always came after a row. I think when they know they've pushed too far they do the bare minimum to shut you up and make you doubt yourself.

I had recently started to believe perhaps things were so bad and I was maybe over reacting but my sister and BIL came to stay last weekend with their DC and the contrast was glaring. Despite having three of his own to look after, my BIL spent more time playing with my DC in one weekend than their father probably ever has. It was actually very sad to see what my life could have been like if id had children with someone else.

Do keep us posted OP. Good luck.

I had to leave my dh as much as possible with dc for him to realise how hard it is. I suggest you do the same if not only for your own sanity.

Also when I say leave dc o mean physically go outside somewhere even if it's just a walk. But minimum a few hours and preferably straight after naps.
I would not have another dc unless you have a lot of support in the situation you might find yourself better off leaving him.

I'm glad you have such a good friend to support you during this time.

You say your family isn't close by. But that doesn't mean you can't move nearer them if it suits you and the life you want in the long run.

I agree with those saying to be sure you pack up and take all important and precious papers and things with you. Even if you decide that divorce is the way forward but you need to go back temporarily (if legal advice is to do so) I'd leave them at your friend's or elsewhere, safe and out of his reach.

@madroid Sorry, I meant to reply to you earlier and clarify. It's more of a case that he does some DIY and then uses that as an excuse to sit on the couch for an hour. Then if I ask him to watch the baby (usually so I can cook or clean something with bleach so they aren't near the fumes) he moans that he has been busy and just wants to sit down. Whereas the time he was busy, I have been feeding DC, changing their nappy, reading the same book 30 times, folding laundry and sweeping the kitchen.

He is tired, and having done. Bit of work means he gets to relax while I don't get the same consideration.

I think this is one of those situations where if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

You know something has to change - he's not willing to, so you have to. Good luck for tomorrow.

I am fuming on your behalf. Especially him using your mental health as a weapon. Bastard.
Leave.

Yes, good luck for tomorrow. I hope it has the effect you want it to and your DH realises he has to step up. If not, it will be hard going it alone but nothing is harder than living with someone who has no respect for you.

An update from my friend's house.

I decided leave home earlier than planned after having another argument with DH. He invited me to leave so I took him up on his advice. I began to pack and he told me I was free to go but without DC. As some of you mentioned, he will never learn how hard it is without doing it all for himself, so even though it broke my heart, I went alone. I'm finding it hard being without my baby but I hope this is a wake up call that I am willing to do what it takes to be happy. With or without him.

I know he wasn't expecting it as when I was going he was asking me to reconsider and just go out for the day and return in the evening instead. However, I won't be back until tomorrow and that is just for DC's sake. I don't want to be away from them any longer than I have to be to get myself together.

I hope to have more positive updates but at least I have already taken the hardest step.

There's a surprise that he didn't want to look after his own child 🙄

Be ready with a narrative. He is going to guilt you and attempt to shame you for leaving without DC. This is an easy one to counter if you do it from the start based on the true facts.

You went to stay with your friend for a couple of days for a break. You had been thinking of going and when DH saw you were at breaking point he said that yes you should go. You assumed you would take the baby but DH said to go on your own and he'd take care of the baby, so that's what you did. You don't think he realised how much work babies are when he said that!

You are amazing... It must be so hard for you to be without your lovely DC.

I wouldn't go back tomorrow if I were you... You'll have to listen to him making you out to be a negligent mum (even though you left DC with their own dad). I would give him the option of dropping DC off with you (I'm sure he'll bite your hand off...) but otherwise have no communication with him.

@Reluctantcavedweller

You are amazing... It must be so hard for you to be without your lovely DC.

I wouldn't go back tomorrow if I were you... You'll have to listen to him making you out to be a negligent mum (even though you left DC with their own dad). I would give him the option of dropping DC off with you (I'm sure he'll bite your hand off...) but otherwise have no communication with him.

I agree. Let him drop off your child. He probably will be anxious to do that. He clearly has no interest in being a parent.

How did last night go?

Gosh good on you OP for leaving!

So he attempted to blackmail you by telling you, you couldn't take the baby, good for you for calling his bluff

Hope you were able to get some sleep last night, OP

Let us know how things go OP. Hope you get your baby back soon and also a break from him.

It infuriates me that a man would accuse a woman of being 'negligent' for leaving their child with its own father. I never had a moment's hesitation in leaving our DC with my DH and he would never have accused me of being negligent for doing so.

But then again, I guess if he does say that he's admitting he's a really shitty father and doesn't know how to care for his own child, isn't he?

Because that's what I'd say; "I left DC with you, her father. Are you saying you are incapable of caring for your own child?".

OP how are things now?