To leave for a few days without saying anything?

[Endoftheline2020]

First time posting but I have lurked on the boards since TTC.

DH and I have been fighting pretty much non-stop since DC was born. The first month or so we parented well together but I feel like once the novelty wore off and he went back to work, he figured that parenting was my problem. I have felt massively let down by his lack of help and have made no secret of my resentment. He doesn’t do nappies, feeds, baths or naps. He loves playing with the baby and will ‘take charge’ while we are out (usually pushing the pram) but that is it.

I am exhausted and feel like I have no time for myself. I constantly bring this up and point out what I need help with only to be shouted down. Each argument gets twisted into how everything is my fault and I just haven’t ‘taken to motherhood.’ I tell him that I thought we were going to co-parent and that not all the responsibility would fall to me. I just I thought I could rely on him to be a father not a playmate.

He wanted children even before me and was keen to TTC. We had several losses and were going to be investigated until I fell pregnant with DC who ‘stuck.’ I’m shocked that someone who wanted children so badly and who was devastated with each loss could now be an indifferent father to our much-wanted baby.

So I come to my problem. We have both been WFH during lockdown. Monday he will need to travel in to work, giving me a chance to pack up with DC to go to a friend’s house for a few days. I feel like the space might helps us realise whether or not we want to continue our marriage though I am close to being done. AIBU?

I don’t know if he would forgive me for leaving but I don’t know if I can forgive him for failing us both so badly.

He sounds like an absolute waste of space arsehole to be honest. I would tell him I was leaving, go and not come back. He'll soon have to learn to be a parent if he still wants to see his child.

Sorry, am very new to this so not sure how to reply to specific people!

DC is 14 months, so this has been going on for a long while. I returned to work recently in the pandemic and this is what is making it all worse. While it was frustrating having to do everything before, at least he had the excuse that he was the only one working. Now that I have also gone back to work (from home), nothing has changed and I am more frazzled than ever.

We have had long conversations where I tell him what I think but he fixates on things and doesn't properly listen to me. He tells me it's unreasonable to be angry about things in the past since he can't change them. I tell him how things can improve in the future, but he has yet to do it. He thinks things are fine on the days we don't argue but it's just because I am keeping quiet to keep the peace. But I am resentful all the time.

He knows what needs to be done, it's a case of not doing it. He will just hand the baby to me when they need changing and see nothing wrong with it. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done and I won't have DC suffer.

I thought you were going to say the baby was a couple of months old or something! So this is not a case of him adjusting to having a newborn around it seems like this is the kind of father he is going to be. In which case you would absolutely not be unreasonable to walk out (and if it were me I would probably never come back).

I'd leave a note and then not answer his calls. Can you stay a while (maybe a couple of weeks) without telling him when you'll be back so he gets a sense of what life will be like without you? Tell him you're fed up and making up your mind what you want from life going forward since this isn't it. That might wake him up a bit.

Instead of taking DC away, what about getting him to look after DC alone for a day, so he appreciates how hard it is?

Pick a day that you know he is going to be home and just tell him you’re going out for the day (as you’re walking out of the door without DC).

You are allowed to have a couple of hours to yourself. Force him to take some responsibility... I feel that if you took DC away you are reinforcing that DH doesn’t have any responsibility to look after DC.

He will just hand the baby to me when they need changing and see nothing wrong with it.

What would happen if you handed them back and said "you do it"?

He will just hand the baby to me when they need changing and see nothing wrong with it.

Hand her back. Ask him why he bothered having a baby when he just wants to play Disney dad.

I agree that leaving him with the toddler with more effective than you leaving with the toddler.

Definitely leave... but for good. He isn't going to change at this late in the game.

Basically despite all his excitement he sees parenting as your job and if you have any expectations from him it’s because you’ve failed as a mother.

He won’t change because he doesn’t want to. Look at his actions not his words.

I couldn’t put up with that, and I’m not sure I would want that role model for my daughter.

Yes, as several people have pointed out, that's the other option. If he really won't engage at all, get up before DC at the weekend, walk out the door and send your DH a text saying, "Back at 5". Then don't answer your phone.

@peachgreen I have tried and he hasn't given in. The odd time he has DC when I am out, he will do things, but that is it. If I am home the default is that I do everything.

Verging towards saying LTB.

@Enderman I am worried you are right.
I feel like I am hitting my head against a wall because we just have the same conversations where he makes promises but never follows through.

Leaving feels like the only way to make him realise I am serious and then I will have to back it up. But at this point, I feel like divorce would be better as I no longer feel respected and presumably I would get a break when he has DC.

It's not a case of you 'not taking to motherhood', but him 'not taking to fatherhood'. I like the idea of leaving him to it for a day. How about tomorrow? We are all forced into parenting because we have to. The buck stops with us. So far he's dodged his responsibilities.

How he handles the day will show you whether he's prepared to step up.

he figured that parenting was my problem
Each argument gets twisted into how everything is my fault
He loves playing with the baby and will ‘take charge’ while we are out (usually pushing the pram)
When he's got an audience?

I just wouldn't warn him beforehand
Why not?

As for those of you who suggested counselling, I asked for it many times and was he would adamant that he would absolutely never agree to it.
Perhaps because he knows the counsellor would say he needs to pull his weight more.

I am keeping quiet to keep the peace
With the other things you've said that I've highlighted I wouldn't go to counselling with him anyway, you'd be better going on your own.

I don't blame you at all for wanting time away from him. It will give you time to think and help see things more clearly.

What happens if you challenge him about why it’s your job to change the nappy?

He clearly can do it when he has to, so yes you would get a break if you split up.

I don’t understand why some men have children only to opt out of the bits of parenting they don’t like. What if we all did that?

Promises mean fuck all though, don’t they. All it does is shut you up for a bit. He knows this, don’t think he doesn’t.

If you feel you are best off leaving for a few days then of course do so, but I think you would be massively unreasonable to not tell him you will leave and where you are taking DC. That's seems very immature and I'm sure he will worry.

He sounds like a lazy child, OP.

I think I would move out for a while. I think you will gain the time to realise he adds very little to your life and you might want to make this more permanent.

You could leave letter for him at house entrance explaining you're away - think that's OK.

How would he react if you went out for the day or a few hours at short notice without your DC. Would he be angry?

@Enderman Yes, I think he would be. He often makes plans for his day and gets annoyed and grumpy when things don't go according to plan. It's usually DIY and such, so thinks because he is working on the house it means he doesn't have to do anything else.

The problem going forward is that he's already demonstrated his contempt and lack of respect for you. A little bit of time to yourself while he parents his own child is a very small ask. Yet he can't even do this since your wishes and feelings aren't important to him. He may step up if he's worried you're going to walk out, but I don't see how you get to a place of mutual love and respect for each other again without counselling. You see, you would have to forgive his behaviour so far and that would require him actually to acknowledge he was in the wrong and improve going forward.

Do you care if you make him angry? Either because you leave DC with him or take DC and go away?

@Reluctantcavedweller You are right. It would require a great deal to move forward and I am not sure I can trust him to keep to his word. He certainly isn't the person I thought he was.

It is hard to care at this point, but I was raised to be a people pleaser and the thought of upsetting people has always made me anxious.