To leave for a few days without saying anything?

[Endoftheline2020]

First time posting but I have lurked on the boards since TTC.

DH and I have been fighting pretty much non-stop since DC was born. The first month or so we parented well together but I feel like once the novelty wore off and he went back to work, he figured that parenting was my problem. I have felt massively let down by his lack of help and have made no secret of my resentment. He doesn’t do nappies, feeds, baths or naps. He loves playing with the baby and will ‘take charge’ while we are out (usually pushing the pram) but that is it.

I am exhausted and feel like I have no time for myself. I constantly bring this up and point out what I need help with only to be shouted down. Each argument gets twisted into how everything is my fault and I just haven’t ‘taken to motherhood.’ I tell him that I thought we were going to co-parent and that not all the responsibility would fall to me. I just I thought I could rely on him to be a father not a playmate.

He wanted children even before me and was keen to TTC. We had several losses and were going to be investigated until I fell pregnant with DC who ‘stuck.’ I’m shocked that someone who wanted children so badly and who was devastated with each loss could now be an indifferent father to our much-wanted baby.

So I come to my problem. We have both been WFH during lockdown. Monday he will need to travel in to work, giving me a chance to pack up with DC to go to a friend’s house for a few days. I feel like the space might helps us realise whether or not we want to continue our marriage though I am close to being done. AIBU?

I don’t know if he would forgive me for leaving but I don’t know if I can forgive him for failing us both so badly.

He doesn’t care about upsetting you though does he.

So he makes plans for his day. That’s very telling.

You've jumped a long way there! There is no suggestion of abuse in the OP!

I agree.

OP I believe what your going through is incredibly common. My ex was like this and hence he's my ex. There was a programme called "who rules the roost" years ago and it was basically about your situation. During the programme the main caregiver would bugger off for a week and leave their lazy partner with the kids to see how they coped.

The last episode involved a gym bunny hubby, who was always telling his wife how easy it was to parent their 3 kids, but then buggering off to enjoy his hobbies. At the end of the week he was sitting in the middle of the lounge floor amongst absolute rubbish including a bagged up dirty nappy, he was nearly in tears as he said "it just seems to come up through the floor, it never ends" and his dd emptied her plate of food over her head as he was talking. 😁

I have no advice as I couldnt change my exes' attitude, but you are not alone.

Excuse me for being nosy, but what's your financial situation? I mean, if you decided to leave, how would you go about it? Would you have to stay until you'd finalised the split or could you afford to move out in the meantime? Would you be entitled to significant maintenance based on DH earnings? If he's self-employed, could he hide his earnings? Would your earnings (with govt help with childcare/available benefits) be sufficient for you and DC to live on?

Might be worth taking some time to visualise what life would look like post-split to remove the fear factor. Also how you would get the best deal for you and DC. You've been unhappy for a while .

You've jumped a long way there! There is no suggestion of abuse in the OP!

There are red flags in the OP, plus the fact that OP was planning on leaving him when he was out of the house, which made me wonder if she was afraid he'd get angry and not let her leave.

I wrote my reply so she could consider that it might be a possibility.

After her other posts, I do think she should LTB permanently, as he's shown he doesn't consider her an equal, and her place is to do all the wifework and childcare, even though she also works.

I think if you are a couple you can leave and leave a note/text afterwards to explain, but when you are parents that is not on.
No one should find out their child isn't where they think they'll be after the fact they've been taken away (abusive situations aside).
Even just a warning shot as he walks out the door to work - 'Ill be taking DC and staying with a friend so you won't see me tonight' and then leave a letter/message him later explaining more.
Sorry you have not had the partner you were expecting to have. Gaining a child but losing a marriage is tough. Hope you get some peace with your friend.

Oh, OP, while you are away, you should get legal advice about a divorce, so you know where you stand legally.

@happinessischocolate That sounds hilarious! I'll try to see if I can find it. It's a shame it's such a common thing. I genuinely don't understand how so many parents think they don't have to step it up.

@Reluctantcavedweller Financials aren't fabulous. We live un an expensive part of the country and live comfortably though not luxuriously on both of our wages. If we split, we would both struggle to maintain separate households. We earn a fairly similar amount so maintenance wouldn't be significant. I have some savings which would top up what I bring in, but it wouldn't be a long term solution.

@Motoko That is exactly the reason why I want to leave while he isn't around. When we argue, he often tells me I can pack a suitcase and go, but I don't think he would actually let me, at least not with DC. And considering our main problem is his not stepping up with them, I don't feel comfortable leaving them with him for days at a time while I sort my head out.

Again sorry for prying, but how do you organise your finances atm? Do you have a joint "pot"/ do you jointly fund childcare and child-related expenses?

I feel like this is so common. I don't know if men just don't get what having a baby is? Or maybe they do and just think the mum will do it? Did you talk about how you would share things before the baby was born? Could you reference back to this conversation? I owild feel very let down by this behaviour. I'd really be questioning if I wanted to be with someone who can be so selfish and uncaring. If you do then I think you need to think about the future and talk just about how yiu can share things happily. It will be hard to ignore the resentments you feel though.

@Reluctantcavedweller We have a joint pot and pay monthly expenses from it, including childcare (though that is all up in the air at the moment and they never started nursery because of Covid). We then keep the rest of our money separate.

Sorry also I do think a break is a good idea. I'm concerned you think he be so angry you couldn't leave.

Cut your losses OP. Leave him and stay away. He won't change. He has no respect for you and sees his child as a prop when he's playing daddy in public. Be warned though - he will demand his rights as a father and demand every weekend for contact - but then change his mind when something he wants to do crops up.

Honestly, it sounds as if you've tried, but he is determined that you must do all the work whilst he garners praise for pushing a pram outside. He refuses counselling, and turns everything back on you to be all your fault.

Leave a note on the table, then leave. Take with you any paperwork you will need for arranging your divorce, because I really don't see any way back from here. Consult a lawyer whilst you're at your friend's house. Maybe make it more than a few days if she'd be OK with that. A couple of weeks at least. Sorry, but I think your marriage is already dead in the water . He aimed to trap you through motherhood to be his domestic appliance. Spring the trap and leave him.

What do you mean 'he wouldn't let me' leave? You do know that he can't legally stop you, don't you? Do you mean he would physically stop you or use threats to keep you there? This is something very important to think about. I'm not trying to make something out of nothing, but at no time have I ever felt my DH would stop me from going somewhere.

Personally I'd be done with him, 100%. But we each have to make our own decision on that. I suggest marriage counseling, separately to start with. If he won't go, go alone. Marriage counseling can be good for showing you the way OUT, not just the way to stay.

Honestly... This stage is hard for many as readjust after mat leave.. Even without a DH who is selfish or covid effecting everyone's mental health and your childcare arrangements.

I wouldn't move out for a few days yet... I'd explain that you need some me time... Book something that happens at least once a week, every week without fail.. Gym, dance class, swimming, running, book club, friend in fire need ... Whatever.. Make it up if necessary 😁 and sit in car somewhere 😜... Just go out and leave him to it... Not just an hour...

Get a cleaner... DH doesn't like it... Well as both working if don't have need to split chores 50/50... If we can do this fair enough... If not.. Can't say don't like it.. Its happening...

Next stage go away for weekend leaving him with baby...

These worked with a friends husband... He honestly didn't see how stressed she had got, how unbalanced it was, he saw it that his mum did it and expected her too.. Forgetting his mum only every worked 1 day a week... As he was a decent man (just a bit blind to things) he changed and got far more involved... Their relationship healed...

Its worth a go if you are willing.. Might not work... But might..

On the financial front, probably best to start a different thread if you decide to leave and want advice on this, but you might be entitled to more support than you think.

For instance:

• Child benefit if your earnings are now under the threshold.
• Universal credit including help with childcare costs depending on income.
• Single person council tax reduction (every little helps!).

Probably more I don't know about...Further, on a £35k salary with EOW contact, your DH should be paying around £350 per month child maintenance.

You'd also be entitled to a greater split of assets (equity in house, savings) in a divorce if you're going to be primary carer since you have to house DC.

It's not going to be luxurious and the best long-term option might be to move somewhere less expensive (especially if you're closer to family support then), but it's probably doable if you decide to vote with your feet.

I'd leave for a few days to give yourself some space.
I'd leave him a letter saying where you've gone and why.
If as you say he doesn't listen and shouts when you try and talk to him, put your grievances in the letter, do it nicely, just write everything that is bothering you and add that your marriage is at risk.
He cant shout at a letter and he will have to read it and hopefully it will sink in.
If not then its time to move on

@PanamaPattie it's funny you say that because he has a cousin like this who he is very critical of! He has a DC from an earlier relationship and sees them one day at the weekend. However, at most family events it's DC and the grandparents who are there and the dad is off doing who knows what. Part of the reason I thought DH would step up is because he would always comment about how he would never be that kind of father!

@happytoday73 If I don't leave on Monday, I can't leave for several more weeks. He is going to work on an as needed basis and WFH otherwise. It just so happens he needs to go on Monday and I am not sure when the next time will be.

@Jayaywhynot The letter is a good idea. I can text and let him know plus leave my thoughts in a letter without getting too garbled.

Parenting is HARD

I am still shell shocked from having my two -
Oldest is now two years.

Children and everything which comes with them could wreck even the strongest, most wonderful relationship. They are hard fucking work.

I don’t have any advice on how to resolve it but just wanted to say that you’re not alone in losing / almost losing your relationship following a baby.

Yes, I would go. Don't say anything before you go, but do let him know after you have arrived safely...either leave a note or send a text. Don't tell him where you have gone, but do say you've asked numerous times for him to help out yet he doesn't, and how you need a break because he isn't taking your needs seriously.
Just say you will discuss it once you get back.
Then shut down all media and enjoy your break.

@2020iscancelled That is why I have waited this long. I always knew parenting would be difficult (of course you never how much until it happens!) and I have a grace period for us to adjust to becoming a family of three. I then tried to communicate about how I was feeling but over time I have probably become a nag as I keep pointing out the same things since they never change.

I have had some friends who told me about their rough patches adjusting to fatherhood but ultimately they have grown as fathers. I just don't see that happening here.