To leave for a few days without saying anything?

[Endoftheline2020]

First time posting but I have lurked on the boards since TTC.

DH and I have been fighting pretty much non-stop since DC was born. The first month or so we parented well together but I feel like once the novelty wore off and he went back to work, he figured that parenting was my problem. I have felt massively let down by his lack of help and have made no secret of my resentment. He doesn’t do nappies, feeds, baths or naps. He loves playing with the baby and will ‘take charge’ while we are out (usually pushing the pram) but that is it.

I am exhausted and feel like I have no time for myself. I constantly bring this up and point out what I need help with only to be shouted down. Each argument gets twisted into how everything is my fault and I just haven’t ‘taken to motherhood.’ I tell him that I thought we were going to co-parent and that not all the responsibility would fall to me. I just I thought I could rely on him to be a father not a playmate.

He wanted children even before me and was keen to TTC. We had several losses and were going to be investigated until I fell pregnant with DC who ‘stuck.’ I’m shocked that someone who wanted children so badly and who was devastated with each loss could now be an indifferent father to our much-wanted baby.

So I come to my problem. We have both been WFH during lockdown. Monday he will need to travel in to work, giving me a chance to pack up with DC to go to a friend’s house for a few days. I feel like the space might helps us realise whether or not we want to continue our marriage though I am close to being done. AIBU?

I don’t know if he would forgive me for leaving but I don’t know if I can forgive him for failing us both so badly.

He doesn’t care about his child, since he refuses to parent, so would you taking the child away not be a huge treat for him? He’s hardly going to be sitting crying and deciding to change his entire personality.

I’m sore I read here on MN that you should not leave the family home, can’t remember why. Why can’t he leave ?

Not an expert on this at all, but I think divorced men are often advised not to leave the family home to protect their rights in relation to the children. For instance, it may affect contact arrangements if they're no longer in an active parenting role.

There's also the fact that moving out gives control over documents/property etc. to the person who stays in the family home. So the OP would be advised to make sure she takes passports, birth certificates, bank statements and financial documents showing earnings and savings etc. with her when she leaves if there's any chance he might be difficult about her returning.

As the poster above said, defo take all important documents and copies of all financials

But he’s exactly the sort of man who will threaten that he’ll go for 50/50 custody if they split. Despite having rarely changed a nappy. He’ll use it as a threat to make the OP stay, happens all the he time just reading the relationship boards.

@Endoftheline2020

Just a bit of an update. This morning he asked me if we were ready to make up and apologise. I'm not sorry for stating how I feel and more bickering ensued. Apparently, I'm a bully and verbally abusive for pointing out how rubbish this all is and I've head a mental breakdown, likely from PND.

Oh, and if I want to leave, I know where the door is.

So hopefully going in Monday won't be such a surprise to him then

There are a couple of points that I'd make. First, is that though we're all led to believe that now parenting is equal and coparenting is "de rigeur" I think is delusional. It rarely ever is this way. So though I don't disagree that he should do some of the child care activities, I don't think that your assumption is necessarily fair, if you never actually both set your stalls before having a child; not saying the assumption is wrong, but you're both guilty of having made them. Secondly, you readily admit to nagging. And sadly the manner your frustration has come out wa probably not conducive to a positive change moving forward. Thirdly, I presume you have acknowledged that if you leave and then split, you're still doing everything but actually in a worse financial position? And that oh isn't obliged to have lo overnight, so can literally be fun day dad and everything falls to you? Fourthly, given he's aired that he believes your behaviour is bullying and verbally abusive, from his perspective he's perfectly entitled to call this out as domestic abuse. Fifth, it sounds a sthiugh if you split he'd be quite happy to air that he believes you're mentally unstable.

Now,obviously some of the above is commonplace in splits, but are you ready for it?

If you stay at your friend, it sounds like the cowards approach tbh. At least leave a letter. But only go,if you're willing to accept this may push the relationship to absolute Breaking point that's irretrievable. Equally, could be lucky and he sees your perspective. But I think that the chances of latter is slim.

You know, he's going to turn everything into an argument against you. Writing a letter will not help. He knows how you feel and he doesn't give a shit.

Spend the morning he's at work making sure you have all the documents you need packed in your overnight bag then go to stay with your friend for a few days texting that you're taking up an invitation to spend a few days catching up with friend. See you when I see you. Then use that time to get clear in your head how you want to proceed.

He will forever insist you are unreasonable, Crazy, mean or whatever so don't waste your energy on debating anything with him.

And don't go to counselling with him. He'll probably not agree to it, anyhow, but if he did would grasp the opportunity to tell you all the ways that you are wrong and he is right (in his mind).

OP,

Definitely take any important papers with you.

His shouting you down is abusive, as is your nervousness about being able to leave safely.

Mention both in your letter, plus his telling you to leave.
Also make a note of exactly how little he does, particularly now that you are back at work.

As @Pasghetti suggests, definitely photograph this letter and send it to family as required.

It's very important you note his shouting you down.
Very important that you note that you felt, despite him telling you to pack your bags, and you know where the door is, that you didn't feel you could leave safely.

It sounds like you have tried but he is just another waste of space.

Unfortunately the threads on MN are full of them.

You are not alone.
Reach out to family and friends.
The letter will be a good way for them to understand what you have been going through.

Thank goodness you realise that you deserve better than this, and him.

And google DARVO because that's what he's done today calling you a bully an abusive.

Has he spent a full day with DC by himself? I would suggest booking in time to go out by yourself for half a day or a day regularly would be useful.

What happens when you say you're doing too much and he has to pitch in? Can you try and divvy up care/housework a bit more? Do you take turns having lie ins etc?

We have been talking more but it's like talking to a brick wall. He keeps insisting that I am saying he does nothing. I just tell him that isn't what I am saying but he does none of the hard stuff. He then just repeats sarcastically that he does nothing then tells me I am crazy and need to talk to someone.

I really don't think talking is getting us anywhere. He isn't properly listening to me and doesn't want to. He is finding excuses and repeating them, even when I refute them.

He is a man who has no intention of ever doing "women's work".

He does not care about your feelings.

Can you live like that?

@Newfornow Sorry, what happened with the situation you mentioned? Was it the husband trying to prove how good the wife had it or the other way around?

I think I could stay with my friend for a few weeks of it came to it. I would need to sort out accommodation eventually. I don't have any family nearby.

Well lists are your friend OP, so start making them to speed up things on monday.

Easier to tick things off as you pack.
Also make sure you transfer funds into your own account.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Reach out to your family if you think they will support you, even from a distance.

You'd do better to slip off quietly as soon as he gets home from work and leave him to get acquainted with the mucky end of the baby. Have a nice weekend to yourself and come back when you're good and ready and he's 'taken to' fatherhood.

XH only stepped up to the plate when dc were 4&5 and I left him. I had been growing more and more resentful and he had promised to change so many times...we now coparent very well but he literally did nothing when they were babies, I can count on one hand how many nappies he changed and how often he had them on his own.

In my experience these men don't change I'm afraid

@Endoftheline2020
He kept telling her she how lucky she was. She really wasn’t. He treated her badly and didn’t take her unhappiness seriously.
She left when he was out, thinking he would miss her and see the error of his ways. But no, he was laughing and glad. She didn’t want to go back knowing he didn’t want her and ended up trapped at her parents for way too long whilst the house sold. Do not leave.

Stop wasting your breath.

It's actually likely to just be detrimental now, especially as if he seriously thinks you will leave (and upend the nice lazy dad-in-name-only life he has planned) he'll step up the takeaway-and-play-with-baby performances, which are simply designed to dial things down so you get back in your box (in answer to your question).

It's really quite simple.

Look at what someone does, not what they say. You have had 14 months observing his honest reaction to becoming a parent and this is it. He's absolutely not the man you thought he was.

Secondly, arguing is futile - he's invested in himself and in defending his position, and because his position is utterly indefensible by any logical means - 'Yes, I think it's reasonable for me to refuse to change my own baby's nappy when asked even though I have changed roughly 2% of them so far' - then all you are going to get from arguments/discussions is gaslighting, nonsense, goading, denying, basically acting like a twat. What else can he do?! What else can he possibly say?!

So stop it.

Yes, definitely leave. Don't say any more - in fact, I'd probably even be placatory because I really do think that if he got wind of your leaving he would stay home and stop you.

I woud focus on the leavign possibly ending up being for longer than planned. Make sure you take all precious stuff with you - laptop with photos, birth cert, and make sure you've got all financial details you might need including any data relating to his work (payslips, NI number etc) that you can. Just In Case.

tells me I am crazy and need to talk to someone.

On two occasions when I said to my ex, very gently, that I struggled with something he'd done I was told I was "mad" and needed to see a psychiatrist. The more you say about your husband the more abusive I think he is. I doubt you'll get anywhere talking with him, trying to work him out, trying to make it better. Can I suggest you contact Women's Aid, they are a great support in exactly these circumstances. And as others have said please take all the paperwork and documents you think you'll need when you go, he'll not make anything easy for you in the future.

Oh and if you're in an expensive part of the country, there's the option to move somewhere cheaper which would still be accessible to him - don't discount this, even if you had to travel for contact it might be worth it.

There are so many men like this and so many women who put up with it, and even defend the fact their men don’t do anything because they work. I have a super high pressure job and it’s an absolute piece of piss compared to looking after DS.
So actually, I think you do right to take his lack of support or interest seriously because it’s not going to get any better. But you need to have the conversation with him. To say your fed up of him taking liberties and then gaslighting you, and then take DC and leave.
Alternatively you could leave DC in his care so that he actually understands how difficult it is, although I’m not sure I’d trust him to even be able to do the basics.

all you are going to get from arguments/discussions is gaslighting, nonsense, goading, denying, basically acting like a twat

This, and a thousand times this. His behaviour has lots of narc traits. Denying your feelings, gaslighting, sidetracking arguments, telling you you're mad, having to win despite the cost, lack of empathy, wanting the appearance of a perfect father while doing none of the work. I'd get all my ducks in a row over the next few weeks, see a solicitor, get some accommodation lined up and then leave him. Don't give him any more advanced warning than you need. I've justs pent 5 years dealing with someone with high narc traits and its been horrendous, I wish I'd know from early on that things never get better.

@Pasghetti

Don't just vanish. He will try to use it against you - he is already writing a narrative where you are crazy and he is an angel.

Write him a letter. Keep it very calm and factual - that you are not depressed, that you are exhausted because he is not a partner to you and that his behaviour needs to change. Give specific examples of what needs to change. Suggest counselling as a safe space for you both to discuss your feelings. Take a photo of the letter when you leave it for him. If he tries to gaslight you later or bad mouth you then you have the letter as back up - to send the photo to his mum / your mum / whoever.

He doesn't get to write the narrative here.

I absolutely agree with this post, don't give this man any excuse to try and use this against you.

I had a relative in a very similar situation except he was also going out and getting drunk all the time and being financially abusive on top.
He had zero interest in their children when they were together but still tried to paint his ex as a bad mother and mentally ill when she kicked him out and blamed her for ending a perfectly happy marriage because she was 'mad'.

It's amazing the narratives people are able to create to make themselves feel better about their shitty behaviour.

@Newfornow What a piece of work. I hope your friend is at least happy now.

I'm not sure I want to continue even if he was desperate to have me back. He isn't who I thought he was.

Oh, the wife being "mental" is all part of the script, along with her being an unfit mother. They all spout that shit.

I could have wrote your post when my DD was a baby. I somewhat foolishly went on to have a second DC which obviously made things ten times harder. While DD2 is a delight and I could never regret her, it would have made my life easier to leave after DD1. As it stands I'm planning to leave when she's school age. This sort of sexism is so ingrained you'll be fighting against it for life. Personally after four years of trying to "enlighten" my husband I don't have the energy.

He has improved but I think that's more to do with the DC becoming easier as they get older. I sometimes think we could survive and he'll occasionally surprise me with a somewhat feminist perspective on something or another but the resentment is always there and I don't think I can ever fully forgive him for his selfish incompetence when they were tiny.

Sorry OP my monologue isn't very helpful! Offering solidarity really. I had a physical pain in my chest when DD1 was born. I was so let down by him. It was really hard times. Look after yourself