Page 4 | To leave for a few days without saying anything?

Original poster

Endoftheline2020 · 14/08/2020 19:02

I think he knows how down I feel. We've barely spoken other than another argument this morning and tonight he has sorted a takeaway and is merrily playing with the baby while I tidy up. All without being asked.

Why is it always that a row needs to proceed this? I don't understand how he doesn't get this should be the norm?

OP posts:

backseatcookers · 14/08/2020 19:05

@Endoftheline2020

I think he knows how down I feel. We've barely spoken other than another argument this morning and tonight he has sorted a takeaway and is merrily playing with the baby while I tidy up. All without being asked.

Why is it always that a row needs to proceed this? I don't understand how he doesn't get this should be the norm?

It shouldn't even be the norm, it should be the bare minimum!! He's been so useless that you're grateful he's ordered some takeaway and is playing with his own child... can you see how that shouldn't be something hugely celebrated and if it is, it's a sign he's so rarely a present and engaged father he's a dick? I knew you'd say that when you're all out and about he (slightly) ups his game - that's because depressingly a man pushing a pram gets friendly "awww what a lovely daddy" smiles whereas mums don't expect or receive a fanfare for doing the absolute minimum. He sounds exhaustingly selfish and immature.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 14/08/2020 19:07

I’m shocked that someone who wanted children so badly and who was devastated with each loss could now be an indifferent father to our much-wanted baby.

^^ This is really common. Sad but common. I think most blokes think having kids is a walk in the park. A taste of real parenting and it's 'no thanks'.

It sounds as though he won't change. Ultimately you need to decide what's best for you and your child.

TorkTorkBam · 14/08/2020 19:11

Go to counselling on your own.

Your husband has turned out to be deeply sexist, which only became apparent when you became a mother. What a bummer. You are far from being the only woman this has happened to sadly.

You need a break and you need counselling so you can decide whether you can live like this.

Don't waste any more breath trying to convince him to not be sexist. It is clearly deeply ingrained in him and he is totally OK with it. Work on yourself and how you choose to live as a woman and as a mother.

Angelina82 · 14/08/2020 19:13

Does he pull his weight around the house OP? If not that needs to be addressed too, and if he’s not listening then yes leave him a letter and go stay with your friend. Your husband has been taking you for granted for long enough.

Justjoshin22 · 14/08/2020 19:14

You’re doing the right thing by leaving for a few days OP, this sort of situation can eat you from the inside out and as you already knows, breeds so much resentment.
However, this may just be the making of him. It appears that he genuinely thinks he is being reasonable and pulling his weight. He is not. But by making a bold move, early on, you’re setting your cards on the table and he may realise things need to change and step up. If he doesn’t, you know what you need to do - but you’re actually doing the right thing by all of you by letting him see how strongly you feel. Good luck x

Enderman · 14/08/2020 19:15

If he’s going to stop you leaving then definitely go when he isn’t in on Monday and leave him a letter telling him exactly how you feel. I wouldn’t tell him where you are going incase he turns up and is angry. You have every right to take space and time to have a think and clear your head.

You may find things are easier even if you’re with your DC when you’re not having to think about him and his lack of parenting/help on top (I don’t mean ‘help’, it isn’t help in your own house with your own child).

I would also be prepared for lots of promises to change that don’t mean anything in reality.

And I agree with the pp, it’s kind of sad that you’ve noticed he’s ordered a take away and is playing with his child, that should just be normal. I’m sitting watching my DH on the trampoline with mine trying to bounce them really high, because he wants to be with them.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 14/08/2020 20:41

I dont think yoube got any choice but to take drastic action to be honest. Sounds like you've talked to him a lot and nothing has changed. So the alternative is staying and he resentment building until you hate him and leave for ever

Original poster

Endoftheline2020 · 15/08/2020 08:51

Just a bit of an update. This morning he asked me if we were ready to make up and apologise. I'm not sorry for stating how I feel and more bickering ensued. Apparently, I'm a bully and verbally abusive for pointing out how rubbish this all is and I've head a mental breakdown, likely from PND.

Oh, and if I want to leave, I know where the door is.

So hopefully going in Monday won't be such a surprise to him then

OP posts:

TimelyManor · 15/08/2020 08:54

Apparently, I'm a bully and verbally abusive

My ex accused me of doing to him everything he was doing to me, apart from cheating. It's quite common apparently.

I'm glad you'll be getting a break from him

Winterwoollies · 15/08/2020 09:00

Nah fuck him. I’d leave for a few days and I wouldn’t tell him before. I’d let him get home, contact me and then I’d tell him. He doesn’t sound like the sort of person that will ‘panic’ that the OP and his baby weren’t there.

Winterwoollies · 15/08/2020 09:02

And if he’s the sort of person to project his shit behaviour back at you and team that with accusing you of having a PND breakdown (when actually it’s just him being a shit dad and worse husband) then I’m not sure I’d even answer when he contacted me.

Reluctantcavedweller · 15/08/2020 09:09

Oh OP, I'm sorry! I'm afraid I don't see much of a way back from this for you as a couple because he just doesn't "get" it at all...That when you're quiet, it's because you can't be bothered arguing with him not because you're ok about things.

Childcare and chores should be split equally since you are both working. Why should you be doing the double shift constantly just because he has a penis? Also, your DC has two parents....they deserve to spend time developing a relationship with both and it sounds like that's not going to happen unless you split up.

It wouldn't be surprising if you were depressed, but there's probably nothing medical about it....It would be explained by a combination of overwork and being in a shit relationship!!! And if you did have PND, you'd need more support not less! Sorry, the more I write, the angrier I become on your behalf.

Keep us updated on how you get on... Hope you get the space to work out what the next step is for you.

Pasghetti · 15/08/2020 09:17

Don't just vanish. He will try to use it against you - he is already writing a narrative where you are crazy and he is an angel.

Write him a letter. Keep it very calm and factual - that you are not depressed, that you are exhausted because he is not a partner to you and that his behaviour needs to change. Give specific examples of what needs to change. Suggest counselling as a safe space for you both to discuss your feelings. Take a photo of the letter when you leave it for him. If he tries to gaslight you later or bad mouth you then you have the letter as back up - to send the photo to his mum / your mum / whoever.

He doesn't get to write the narrative here.

Reluctantcavedweller · 15/08/2020 09:19

@Pasghetti. Good idea.

Pasghetti · 15/08/2020 09:21

And he doesn't 'do' nappies/ feeds etc? Who the fuck does he think he is?! Honestly posts like that make me want to kick some men in the crotch. He's an immature arsehole.

StatementKnickers · 15/08/2020 09:26

@Endoftheline2020

First time posting but I have lurked on the boards since TTC.

DH and I have been fighting pretty much non-stop since DC was born. The first month or so we parented well together but I feel like once the novelty wore off and he went back to work, he figured that parenting was my problem. I have felt massively let down by his lack of help and have made no secret of my resentment. He doesn’t do nappies, feeds, baths or naps. He loves playing with the baby and will ‘take charge’ while we are out (usually pushing the pram) but that is it.

I am exhausted and feel like I have no time for myself. I constantly bring this up and point out what I need help with only to be shouted down. Each argument gets twisted into how everything is my fault and I just haven’t ‘taken to motherhood.’ I tell him that I thought we were going to co-parent and that not all the responsibility would fall to me. I just I thought I could rely on him to be a father not a playmate.

He wanted children even before me and was keen to TTC. We had several losses and were going to be investigated until I fell pregnant with DC who ‘stuck.’ I’m shocked that someone who wanted children so badly and who was devastated with each loss could now be an indifferent father to our much-wanted baby.

So I come to my problem. We have both been WFH during lockdown. Monday he will need to travel in to work, giving me a chance to pack up with DC to go to a friend’s house for a few days. I feel like the space might helps us realise whether or not we want to continue our marriage though I am close to being done. AIBU?

I don’t know if he would forgive me for leaving but I don’t know if I can forgive him for failing us both so badly.

Until the penultimate paragraph of your post I thought you were thinking of leaving without the baby so he has to do all the parenting for a few days. I don't see how taking DC with you will help, doesn't sound like he's bothered about either of you.

Reluctantcavedweller · 15/08/2020 09:27

I'd also be very factual in the letter about the number of hours you work, the number of hours he works, the amount of housework and childcare you both do and therefore the amount of "free" leisure hours you each have. Make it clear what you think would be a fair split (i.e. if you both work the same hours, equal childcare, housework and free time). Also the amount of time you spend together with your DC as proper family time (parenting together equally).

Ultimately, though, it doesn't really sound like you want to spend more time with him (and I don't blame you, he sounds like an unreasonable bully). It sounds like you're getting close to wanting him out of your life altogether.

3rdNamechange · 15/08/2020 09:33

I agree with other PPs , if he doesn't work weekends, get up early one Saturday and come back in Sunday night. Alone.

BeaUnder · 15/08/2020 09:37

I couldn't stand for this shit either.

Good luck OP

Newfornow · 15/08/2020 09:41

Have you got somewhere to go lined up? Short to mid term plan. I know someone who did just this, the partner didn’t want them back. Heart break and no end of hassle to find a place to live. He expected to teach her a lesson. That backfired.

RandomMess · 15/08/2020 09:41

The argument this morning says it all, you need to get back in the box he thinks you belong in and shut up

My only reservation about leaving for a few days is coming back.

I honestly think you would be better staying put and serving divorce papers.

Newfornow · 15/08/2020 09:44

I’m sore I read here on MN that you should not leave the family home, can’t remember why. Why can’t he leave ?

madroid · 15/08/2020 09:50

I'm going to go against the grain here and say there is hope. It will take a lot of work and patience from you and willingness to change from hom though.

You said he wants to do DIY and so on in his 'spare' time so it's not like he's out getting pissed with mates. And playing and pram pushing are at least interested in fatherhood. So I think he just needs to learn by being in sole charge how much is truly involved in looking after DC.

Also he sounds like he could be hung up on a particular vision of his role which isn't actually working for your family.

If you can leave him in charge regularly and see if you can uncover what his vision of family life is you might find some steps forward?

Willthisallblowover · 15/08/2020 09:54

I would send him a text on Monday morning saying “know how you said if I wanted to leave as I knew where the door was.........well I’ve done it, I’ve left”. And I wouldn’t be going back, fucking twat. How dare he treat you like this.

He has no respect for you.