Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

Mine had to go at 3 months - no choice I had to work full time. It was fine the nursery were great.

I'd rather a nursery than a childminder as I think there's more routine and things like if the childminder is sick you're stuck. The nursery mine went to also had CCTV so you knew that they'd be looked after properly.

I think you need to consider the impact on you - in lots of families the woman becomes the default parent/cook/etc.

If you go back (and the offer looks amazing, I would take it), who will do the cooking, washing, cleaning, night wakings. Who will do the nursery runs? What happens when the baby is ill and cannot go into nursery? This happens a lot when they start to settle and are exposed to germs. I lost once a job about it as my work place could not cope with me being off ever other week for 2-3 days...

I think you really need to discuss this practicalities more than the fact if your DD can cope on a childcare setting at 4.5 months (she will be fine).

Some husbands are great and equal partners but looking at my life and that of my friends, it isn't really always the case sadly.

My ds went to childcare at 22 weeks this included some overnights briefly. He is a very well adjusted. I Co slept and breastfed and long after the fact I read that was meant to be good for attachment especially if child in daycare.( don't know on what evidence) Is that an option?

I know Parker, but I preferred the home and family setting.

Glad you are closer to a decision OP.

@Caelano

"If you don’t want to work, then fine, don’t. But don’t imagine that your child is somehow going to be have a superior lifelong bond with you because you didn’t use childcare, Or you stand to be disappointed"

So true, my mum stayed at home and my bother and I have quite a strained relationship with her.

@Lucyeav

Hi OP I've been reading this thread with interest and came on to give my tuppence worth. I think you should take the job - even if we weren't in a recession I would still say this. For financial reasons, for having something just for you reasons, to futureproof your life (you never know what will happen in the future and it makes me so sad how many women sacrifice their careers whilst their husband continues to work and then split up later on and are left in a mess). I really recommend your husband looks into taking some form of leave whether it's paid or unpaid (presumably this is possible given that your job will pay more and currently you're just on his salary). I'm the non-birth mum in a same sex relationship and going on shared parental leave with my child transformed our relationship - it gave us chance to bond more, find our own routines and things that worked, and made me properly realise all the many aspects there are (practical, emotional etc.) to looking after a child solo for a significant period of time. This has lasted and made our parenting relationship much more equal as our child has got older. I'm a proper evangelist for shared parental leave! Then your kid can go into whatever form of childcare you feel comfortable with at an age you are comfortable with. But FWIW I think it would be fine to go to nursery at this age - as many before have said this is common in other countries. Good luck with your decision!

This is so helpful! Especially the just for me and long term career/financial gains parts of your argument.

If DH can get leave I'll feel way better. Its a very personal thing and I didn't think it would be this hard to separate myself and put her in nursery. Even when I do it will be as little as humanly possible.

As you will be the main earner, could your DP not go part time and do some of the childcare?

@angelfishrock

Some husbands are great and equal partners but looking at my life and that of my friends, it isn't really always the case sadly.

Yes totally agree with this. If you work full time the load of everything else (which is a massive amount) needs to be shared equally or even shared with people you pay to help with household tasks.

Waking with a screaming baby 4 times a night then holding down a job (presuming that I’d good pay there’s a certain amount of responsibility and potential stress attached to the job) is hard work.

I agree about talking about this with your partner first too:

People on here are so strange.
Give a tiny baby into nursery all day, fine.
Leave a 9 year old home alone for ten minutes while you go to the shops, you are the worst mother that ever existed.
What is wrong with people to not understand how bloody bizarre this is!?

@Lovesgood

People on here are so strange. Give a tiny baby into nursery all day, fine. Leave a 9 year old home alone for ten minutes while you go to the shops, you are the worst mother that ever existed. What is wrong with people to not understand how bloody bizarre this is!?

I can’t see where this has been suggested on this thread?

@Lovesgood

People on here are so strange. Give a tiny baby into nursery all day, fine. Leave a 9 year old home alone for ten minutes while you go to the shops, you are the worst mother that ever existed. What is wrong with people to not understand how bloody bizarre this is!?

Nobody has mentioned leaving a 9 year old.

But people are recognizing that the Op has an opportunity that she'd be daft not to take for various reasons, her career, her independence, current economic climate, being new in the UK, might not be easy to get a job in 6 months time.

Lots of people are suggesting that her DH looks at part-time work and parental leave which may or may not be feasible.
They've settled on the idea that baby won't be in nursery this year so I guess they are looking at a childminder or nanny.

If they could afford it I think I'd look at getting a nanny.

@Blackbear19 looking at 3 months off for DH as step one, step two is a nanny, step three is a childminder.

Hoping we don't have to explode step two or three! 🤞

Lovesgood there are thousands of posters on MN - you're talking about views of different people.

But also, actually, they aren't really incompatible views? Nobody is advising that they just leave the baby to fend for itself! There are qualified staff in a nursery that look after them. It doesn't have anything to do with leaving children at home alone at whatever age.

@Lovesgood Completely irrelevant post!
This is nothing to do with leaving a child alone

Mine went to nursery at four and five months each time. But not full time, for 20 hours a week. And financially I didn't even have to return to work, I just hated being at home.
They're now 17 and 15, very bright and independant and we're all bonded well enough. Certainly never any separation anxiety issues as they grew up. Can't think of any negatives in fact, only the positives for my mental health and pension!
Never a moments regret.

No paternity leave for us 😭

Sorry about that. I'm guessing that he hasn't been there long enough to qualify for it.

If you can afford a nanny I'd go down that route. That way you don't need to lift a sleeping baby in the morning also saves you probably an hour per day doing drop off and pick up.

I'm normally much more of a fan of nursery, not putting all my trust in one person, also you don't have issues of a single carer being on holiday. But for such a young baby I think it might be better to have a nanny.

I put ds1 in nursery from 3 months (single parent, returned from.abroad so no mat leave). It was fine, honestly. He's 15 years now and we still see 2 boys and their families he was at nursery with regularly, even though we are all now in different locations.
Ds is far more sociable and had far less problems fitting in/adapting to school than his brother, who had a sahd until school.

@Blackbear19

My DD wakes up at the crack of dawn, if you have tips on how to get a baby to sleep so long please share 😂

We're looking at Nanny options but in London good lord the prices, I don't think we're on that good a wicket. It will be 60% of my salary maybe more. After we take out the mortgage and other costs I'd basically working to fund DD's nanny. Gutted!

I might have to get myself used to nursery.

💔

I cannot believe the vast majority think its fine for a tiny baby to be in full time childcare!! Just because many of you have done it does not make it a good choice. Attachment is incredibly important at this stage. If you can manage but it will be a bit tight then surely that is the best option for now until the baby is a bit older - 8/9 months.

@Fizzingsherbert I think quite a lot of people have posted with a pragmatic view and empathy for OP’s situation. It doesn’t help her for posters to emphasise the challenges of FT childcare. Even if posters have suggested that it’s fine if you read OP’s updates you’ll see that it hasn’t changed her mind and she is exploring other options.

@Fizzingsherbert - my DT’s went to nursery full time from six months. It didn’t affect our ability to have a close relationship- still do and they are now 21. Most fathers aren’t at home during the day but they still have close attachment.

A good nursery is amazing and not a bad parenting choice.

how long has DH been employed in the UK? There is also unpaid parental leave (you can take 4 weeks annually at max out of your 18 week contingent) but you need to be employed for 1 year minimum - only then it is a statutory right. Its not months but it would give you another full month.

www.gov.uk/parental-leave