Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

@Caelano it fell into my lap, referral for the right job at the wrong time.

@Hardbackwriter

Just to note OP - if you do think shared parental leave would be a good solution (and I'd really recommend it - we did it and I really do think it's the main reason why we're the most equal co-parents I know) your DH has to give 8 weeks notice, so you'd need to look into it fast if you want to start work around then. These are the eligibility criteria.

Problem is, I was employed just not in UK. We moved from US for my husbands work. I had to resign my position because of the move. So yes I was working, but not in England 😢

People all over the world do it and kids turn out fine. In my country ML is only 3 months and it's pretty much normal for kids to be in from 3 months old.
Your baby will be fine op.

@plplz will your DH be doing 50% of all out of work hours care? So night feeds, pick up, drop offs, medical appointments etc? Don't let yourself fall into the role of 'default parent' as I've seen many of my female friends do.

Ah, so you're not eligible for shared leave? That's a shame - it might still be worth looking into unpaid parental leave or him reducing hours but they'll both be at employers' discretion (you're entitled to four weeks' unpaid parental leave a year but they can say no to to proposed timing of when you want to take it) unlike shared leave, which is statutory.

I’d take it too. Jobs are going to be scarce so turning one down when you need the income makes no sense. Money struggles aren’t nice and your DH doesn’t sound as if he wants to be the sole earner and that’s ok to say.

Lots of countries only have a short period of maternity leave and manage fine.

You moved for his job and now this dream.job has landed in your lap.

Do you want to go back to work at some stage? If you do, then find a way to make this work.

Ask if you can delay a few weeks and ask your husband to take some time off work. Get him to talk to his employers and fi d a way.. unpaid leave, sabbatical, holidays, Remind him that you have given up your career for his job and that you want this to be a partnership but you also want him to take joint responsibility for his child.

Look into getting a nanny.

I returned to work full time when my eldest was 14weeks old and ebf- she wouldn't take a bottle from me or dh and I was panicking about how she would feed
No family help nearby, but found a wonderful child minder. For the month before I returned to work I'd leave her for a morning once or twice/ week to settle her in and childminder tried variety of bottles/ teats till found one she'd take!....within a few days she was very settled and I was still able to bf in evenings/ days off

Haven’t RTFT so this might have been mentioned, but I had a bottle refuser that went to childminder FT at 5.5 months. The weeks leading up to my start date I did one feed per day expressed and in a bottle, used Minbie teats as they replicate BF suckle and just persevered. After a few weeks he got the hang of it but there were days that were stressful! It’s absolutely possible but I totally understand the stress about feeding. We are still BF at night and he’s 18months old, never has separation anxiety and loves going to Childminder’s!

I think I would have struggled with that because my son was also a bottle refuser and a terrible sleeper between 4 and 6 months and I was terribly prone to blocked ducts and mastitis, and pumping didn’t cut it. But those are a set of circumstances particular to me. And I did eventually get him to take a bottle and I think I’d have been ok doing it once he was on the bottle.

I think it would be pretty tough on you. But I can’t see any objections to it from the point of view of your baby’s welfare.

And as others have pointed out, jobs are unlikely to be easy to come by over the next couple of years - especially jobs with good salaries. This job sounds like a great opportunity.

But if you aren’t happy with doing it, you aren’t happy with doing it. You have to do what’s right for you. I’m sorry - I know that isn’t massively insightful!

As you say, it’s the right job st the wrong time - and we’re in a deep recession. It’s that which would make me say yes. This opportunity may not come again. Or it might. It’s an expensive gamble.

I had to return full time when my baby was your baby’s age but I couldn’t have left her in a busy nursery. Instead she went to a wonderful childminder who we called Nanny ( she was a bit older) and my baby blossomed under her care. She had a great social life plus another child to be with. Later there would have been preschools and a school nursery.

I did however decide to train as a childminder myself so I looked after her and other children and now work on a preschool. A couple of my colleagues have worked in day nurseries while a friend is a childminder who stays in touch with the families and often looks after children from babies through to school and school holidays - and their siblings.

I see others have suggested childminders too so why not visit one or two? I just think it’s a more natural, homely form of care for babies

It's up to you but I do think all day ( up to 10 hours in a nursery, 8am- 6pm) is a lot for young children!
I ended up cutting my hours and negotiating a flexible work pattern as DD struggled going to nursery so long at 8 months old. My DP works shifts (4 on, 4 off) so between us we manage and she was only in 1 day a week. However now she is 3 I will probably rethink my hours to coincide with her nursery.
I agree with PP that a good childminder or nanny might be a better option while she is that small?

@DanniArthur What exactly is a lot? It's nursery. They sleep in a cot, they get milk, they sleep some more, they poop, their diapers are changed, and it's all done by trained staff who have experience with small children. It may be too much time away FOR YOU from the baby but the baby isn't exactly doing much. If anything, it's harder down the road when they're older to start building a career.

The smart thing to do would be to take the job. But, again, that is the OP and her husband's decision.

Problem is, I was employed just not in UK. We moved from US for my husbands work.

I would be taking this job, then. If you moved countries for your DH's job, but you will earn more than him in this new job, then I think you are probably high-earning enough for really great flexible childcare that will help you work. Look into a nanny.

Jobs won't fall into your lap the longer you are out of the job market, especially in a country you're new to. In a recession.

@NoSquirrels

Problem is, I was employed just not in UK. We moved from US for my husbands work.

I would be taking this job, then. If you moved countries for your DH's job, but you will earn more than him in this new job, then I think you are probably high-earning enough for really great flexible childcare that will help you work. Look into a nanny.

Jobs won't fall into your lap the longer you are out of the job market, especially in a country you're new to. In a recession.

Yeah this.

Are you American OP? Would have expected to be back at this time anyway if you were still in the USA?

(I’m just being nosy you absolutely don’t have to answer that, it’s not relevant!)

Having worked in a baby room at a nursery I'd say it really depends on the baby. Some babies will settle in fairly quickly and others will think it's the end of the world. But once they settle in to their new world they are absolutely fine. I'd say it takes a couple of weeks to settle. Being in every day also helps them settle as the place becomes more familiar and less scary.

Tricky (I write with a 5 month old laid asleep on me). Lots of women across the world leave their children at that age - it’s really personal. However, you have to be comfortable with it.
Also, just worth looking into the legal side of maternity discrimination - your offer should have some basis for flexibility around the start date given you are a new mum, and they will also need to provide space and time to allow you to express if needed. Good luck x

You could go and visit your chosen nursery and talk to them about the feeding issue, they may be able to reassure you on that point at least

I’m not aware of any legislation surrounding when an employee starts a new job because she is a new parent. The employer will offer the contract of employment with the start date.

I don't get the feeling the OPs husband is the type to be willing to take extended parental leave to get the baby to 6-7 months before starting nursery.

*@plplz I really hope he does his share in the domestic sense as I know you do.

I’m in the US and it is considered perfectly normal for a 12 week old to be in full time nursery here. That said, I absolutely hate the idea. I had the privilege to be able to not do that.

If this is the perfect job, I would look into hiring a nanny, even if in the short-term it means paying all your salary out.

@Parker231.. its 2 weeks compulsory maternity leave (from date born) but 4 weeks if work in a factory as minimum...

This stands even if agency, freelance or self employed.
www.gov.uk/maternity-pay-leave/print

The OP’s baby is 12 weeks old so the legislation for a new job wouldn’t apply. When I recruit a new employee I would expect them to start work on the date in their contract of employment.

With a baby that small I’d prefer a nanny over a nursery personally. I regret putting my son in nursery at 9 months really and wish I’d looked at other options.

Some people have no option, but personally if I had an option I wouldn’t put a child that young into full time childcare especially a nursery.

Where is your husband from? I imagine how people feel about it varies a lot depending on their own personal experience.