Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

We had nct lady telling us on repeat, she absolutely had to get back to work because she had too. Her dh was on very good wage and she was fairly senior in her role.
They had extensions built, went expensive package holidays, expensive hot taps. Upgraded house...

My dh on quarter of the one wage, we did without all the extras and struggled for a few years.
Whilst I looked after them. They still have a reasonably secure future and see mum work because I do now, and they are old enough to see me working.

There is no way I would put such a young baby in a nursery all day every day unless I really had too.

Had means a different had to than the nct lady who had to fund her frivolities. Sorry if that sounds judgemental. I'm very nervous about any non verbal vulnerable people in care all day.
Those years go by in a flash. You have the entire rest of your life to do whatever you want but unless it was really necessary, I couldn't do it.
In our current situation it's very hard but unless you think dh job isn't secure... I'd try and wait it out.

DD went to nursery from 3 months old as I needed to work

Personally I would take the job. Look long term. I do not believe nursery damages children or babies.
If we are talking anecdotes my mum didn’t go back to work PT until I was 3/4 but I had dreadful separation issues. I believe would have been easier to go as a baby.

Had means a different had to than the nct lady who had to fund her frivolities. Sorry if that sounds judgemental.

It does sound judgemental and I don't think you're sorry. It's actually pretty weird that you're still even thinking about this woman you knew through NCT and her life choices and her taps, clearly quite a few years later.

I think Thrings deserves a ODFOD

Disingenuously prefacing his or her post with "I know I’m going to be shot down for saying this...." doesn't negate the judgemental tone.

I have a lovely relationship with ds, who is now a well adjusted and independent nearly 20 year old. I breastfed him for 13 months, despite going back to work full time when he was 4 months old. He went into his child minder (who with 2 family "staff" members was more like a mini nursery) happy and came out happy. That's all that matters.

And of course, every one is a stranger when you first meet them, but in the case of ds' carers (both the child minder and later the nursery, which he alternated with the childminder), they very soon become loved: he them and them him. The people who cared for him became his extended family - which I was glad of, as I only had my parents and brother in this country and dh was low contact with his parents because of abuse although he is close to his youngest sister (family of 5 siblings: only recently re-made contact with his older sister who had cut off contact from her parents for good reason , his oldest sister is toxic and his younger brother lives 500 miles away. Families aren't all automatically sweetness and light )

My youngest went from six months but she was two months preemie so 4months corrected. She was there until she started school, she loved it, she was and is by far the happiest of my two children and has always had a great friendship group.

I preferred a nursery where several adults were there to see when she was tiny.
I still occasionally meet her key worker when out and always buy her a drink.

There’s nothing to fear from it. Whether you are comfortable is a different story but you need to think about the long term benefits to the family too.

I went back to work at 5 months with my dd so similar to you. DH stayed at home initially then she went to nursery part time from 7 months. She was completely fine despite my guilt (I’d put her in due to financial necessity). I’d stopped breastfeeding by then though so I didn’t have to worry about that. Nursery were amazing, really attentive to her and she settled very easily due to her age

I would echo the other posters and see if your partner could either take a couple of months parental leave or even drop his hours slightly on a temporary basis
Good luck with what you decide. I’d go for it but only if DH was willing to take on some of the childcare

Oh - and I still had 5 hours awake time with ds: 6 to 8 in the morning (lovely snuggly time while I BF him) and 5.30 to 8.30 - lovely time to play with and feed him

I was fortunate in that my work wasn't far away. But strange concept when I wasn't able to get home or was away on business (went to London about once or twice a week) dh was able to take on the responsibility (I had plenty of EBM stashed in the freezer )

The reality of tiny babies in nursery is being left in a bouncer for a lot of the day, having feeds and nappy changes from strangers, sleeping in a noisy environment rather than at home in peace and comfort, and missing out on one to one interaction from someone who loves them.
Nursery staff do not have time (or in many cases, any real interest) for entertaining young babies when there are more demanding and more interesting older babies. Just because some people have to do this, doesn't make it optimal.
If you really must work, get a nanny so that the baby can have one to one care in their own home, from a single person. Or see if you can delay for another few months at least.

The whole things academic if you can't get the baby to take a bottle, isn't it?

I had to find childcare quickly when my dd was 5mnths .. I looked at a nursery and childminder and preferred the childminder and I'm so glad I did .. she loves it their and it feels more personal than a nursery which I really like. It was hard leaving her but best decision I made 👍

Sometimes it's just not the right time.

I was offered an amazing role but had already committed to doing a year of travelling with my now husband. No regrets.

Your baby is only a baby once, for a very fleeting time. You obviously don't want to take the job, so I just wouldn't.

By all means try and negotiate a later start date but if they won't then let it go. It's possible something else may come up In that company when you're ready.

@SnackSizeRaisin - I think you are looking at a different nursery to the one I used. It had a quiet room for sleeping babies, no toddlers to disturb them. No one was a stranger - they were well qualified staff who became our babysitters and we still keep in touch with. The staff were interested in the children and you could tell from their interaction that they loved them - the one we chose had a better adult to child ratio than most family homes. We chose a nursery over childminder or nanny as we wanted the reliability of their care and they stayed there until they started school.

I would no be happy about that l, if you absolute have to return to work so early then a childminder would be a better

@tiredanddangerous

The whole things academic if you can't get the baby to take a bottle, isn't it?

It can be very hard for the baby to take the bottle from the mother, but they will usually take it from someone else after some trying. Or they can be cup fed. A good nursery will work it out.

@tiredanddangerous

The whole things academic if you can't get the baby to take a bottle, isn't it?

Babies will sip EBM from a open cup if one is offered. Bottles aren't the only solution

You are not planninv to give her away. You just planning to have someone else care for her while you work.you will see her every morning (maybe a rush). Every Evenings. Every Holidays.every Weekends.
If thd job is good and makes sense long term financially you can all survive and thrive. Get a ckeaner so weekends are for you to do nice things with baby.

@InDeoEstMeaFiducia

YABU. Long mat leaves are a very recent thing.

yes, I went back to work FT when DS1 was 16 weeks. It killed me but I had to pay the mortgage. This was 14 years ago and he went to a lovely CM.

Would I do it again, no not if I had a choice tbh.

I didn't work until DS2 (10) was 8 months, but still had to go back FT then

“I know I’m going to be shot down for saying this, but why on earth have kids at all if you’re going to shove them in a nursery full time from such a young age when they really need to be bonding with their mother?”

Ok I’ll bite. The reason DH and I had kids is because we wanted to bring children into our little family unit, love them, nurture them and raise them into becoming well rounded adults. Part of that was being raised in a family where there was lots of love and laughs, where mum and dad both took a hands on role in running the home and both had interesting work outside the home too.
Our kids are now adults, and as they have great relationships with us, as well as happy successful lives and careers themselves, I can’t see for the life of me how being in childcare at a young age has been in any way detrimental.

If you don’t want to work, then fine, don’t. But don’t imagine that your child is somehow going to be have a superior lifelong bond with you because you didn’t use childcare, Or you stand to be disappointed

I sent DS to nursery at 3 months. But I only had a short paid mat leave period (and it wasn't full pay) and DH lost his job when DS was born. I needed to go back. It was fine. DS was happy, the nursery was lovely. But he was bottle fed so I didn't have that problem to overcome.

He did give me his word one way or another our girl won't be in nursery this year, which is honestly a relief in theory, but how that actually works remains to be seen

That’s great. I think you have options and whilst it can be hard to see the wood for the trees, you’ll get a workable solution you’re all comfortable with.

It’s hard when your expectations are one thing and things shift - my entire department was got rid of when I went on maternity leave with my first, and the process for redundancy and interviewing for new positions took from when DC1 was about 4 weeks to 9 months. It really fucked with my expectations of how long I’d have off, what my return to work would look like etc. It’s hard to let go of the ideal. And, as I say, my DC1 was a bottle-refuser but we persevered. We had a brilliant childminder and we all absolutely loved her.

If you can explore all your childcare options you’ll feel better informed. Don’t be shy about asking for flex from your employer either. Good luck!

@SnackSizeRaisin

The reality of tiny babies in nursery is being left in a bouncer for a lot of the day, having feeds and nappy changes from strangers, sleeping in a noisy environment rather than at home in peace and comfort, and missing out on one to one interaction from someone who loves them. Nursery staff do not have time (or in many cases, any real interest) for entertaining young babies when there are more demanding and more interesting older babies. Just because some people have to do this, doesn't make it optimal. If you really must work, get a nanny so that the baby can have one to one care in their own home, from a single person. Or see if you can delay for another few months at least.

Absolute crap! That might be what it would look like in a bad nursery, certainly not in a good one.

As for tiny babies sitting in a bouncer what do you expect then to be doing at home...Olympic gymnastics, quadratic equations?!

Hi OP I've been reading this thread with interest and came on to give my tuppence worth. I think you should take the job - even if we weren't in a recession I would still say this. For financial reasons, for having something just for you reasons, to futureproof your life (you never know what will happen in the future and it makes me so sad how many women sacrifice their careers whilst their husband continues to work and then split up later on and are left in a mess). I really recommend your husband looks into taking some form of leave whether it's paid or unpaid (presumably this is possible given that your job will pay more and currently you're just on his salary). I'm the non-birth mum in a same sex relationship and going on shared parental leave with my child transformed our relationship - it gave us chance to bond more, find our own routines and things that worked, and made me properly realise all the many aspects there are (practical, emotional etc.) to looking after a child solo for a significant period of time. This has lasted and made our parenting relationship much more equal as our child has got older. I'm a proper evangelist for shared parental leave! Then your kid can go into whatever form of childcare you feel comfortable with at an age you are comfortable with. But FWIW I think it would be fine to go to nursery at this age - as many before have said this is common in other countries. Good luck with your decision!

Have you thought about the home setting of a childminder rather than a nursery?

I hated the thought of my DDs being one of many babies being looked after by young girls with NVQs in child care, but I was much more comfortable with them being with a mum in a family setting in a house.

Many nursery staff are mums - they aren’t all staffed by teenagers. The staff at the nursery I used had more experience with babies than I would ever have.