Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

A baby of that age being looked after full time while parents work is not uncommon. Do, no your husband is not being unreasonable.

However you have more options than only nursery. You can look for a child minder or a nanny too.

I dont undrstand those saying they missed two years of their d life. Did those pp leave home and work away? You still are with your bsbies growing up just not 24/7. Two days a week 24/7. Othef days 16 hours out of 24.plus 4 weeks hols and bank holidays. Didnt you spend those with your baby?

Wondered how long it would be before someone posted the ‘why did you have children’!
Being expertly cared for in a nursery setting whilst you are at work is hardly abandoning them. When they are tiny they are asleep most of the time. My DT’s went to nursery full time from six months, we have a great relationship. Going to nursery as a baby doesn’t negatively impact on bonding with mother or father.

I know I’m going to be shot down for saying this, but why on earth have kids at all if you’re going to shove them in a nursery full time from such a young age when they really need to be bonding with their mother?

Shove them?

Or place them in a safe, regulated and nurturing environment (if you do due diligence) in order to allow one or both parents to earn the money that will fund the child's life up to and often beyond the age of 18?

You're entitled to an opinion, but using such inflammatory and shaming language is cruel.

I'm adopted. Didn't go to mum until i was well over the age OP mentioned. Funnily enough because she loved and provided for me from the moment I was adopted, whether she was at work or not, our bond is pretty bloody amazing thanks.

Definitely agree with pp, look for a childminder. We were set on our nursery choice until it was time to send DS and I decided I wanted more 1-1 care for him. A childminder can inly have one baby under 1 on any day and I think they’re only allowed 3 under 5 at once too. Ours is worth her weight in gold. My little boy has been going from around 6months.

I know I’m going to be shot down for saying this, but why on earth have kids at all if you’re going to shove them in a nursery full time from such a young age when they really need to be bonding with their mother?

It's nursery, not baby boarding school

Any chance your partner could take some paternity leave to look after your baby while you work and wait till your baby is a bit older to start them at nursery or with a childminder? He could then ease the baby into it gently instead of straight into full time.

It's up to you what you want. Baby's are resilient. She will be fine. In the US, most mums have to return to work by that age. They turn out okay.

I'd look at local childminders too, they are often cheaper than nursery too.

Just wondering if you're any closer to a decision OP? Xxx

Op in light of you just arriving in the UK I'd jump at the job. I think it would be daft not too.

Childcare, would you consider a nanny, not necessarily a live-in nanny but a day-nanny who'll come to your house and care for your DD?

Even if you did that until she was closer to a year it would remove the issue of you having to lift a sleeping baby in the morning, do drop off and pick up.

But it really comes down to finances, and how you feel about putting all your trust into one person.

Another thought is if your planning a second child in a year or two a nanny wouldn't cost you any more money.

I really don't envy you this awful choice - mine was also ebf and a bottle refuser and I can remember up to 6 months thinking I could just not leave her. I went back at 9 months and was only just ready. However, a jobs really important. Might it help if you really talk to your husband so he understands and sympathises with what a tough decision this is? I couldn't contemplate it unless my husband really understood what an enormous sacrifice it would be.

Had a chat with DH after he caught me shedding a few tears about it on the phone to his mum.

He does understand and we're looking into his works paternity leave as I did research and it looks like there may be leave he can take (how he wasn't aware he could take 3 months off paid is a little odd but thats a discussion for another day).

He did give me his word one way or another our girl won't be in nursery this year, which is honestly a relief in theory, but how that actually works remains to be seen.

@AIMD hubby is from UK, I'm from US but my company had 6 months full pay, but sadly couldn't get it due to moving.

@PinkSparkleUnicorns

Just wondering if you're any closer to a decision OP? Xxx

Getting there xx

The uk is one of the very few countries with such an extended maternity leave. A good nursery (or even better, childminder), and your child is fine.

@Thringsandthings

I know I’m going to be shot down for saying this, but why on earth have kids at all if you’re going to shove them in a nursery full time from such a young age when they really need to be bonding with their mother?

Nursery is great when you have an overactive toddler who needs to learn social skills with other children, but putting a small baby in the care of strangers all day every day just seems cruel to me.

I accept other viewpoints may be valid, but that’s how I feel about it.

I had planned on being home for year and would have done so happily if I had of stayed in the US with my company.

My husband was offered a great transfer which is why we are here. This all came about when I was just finding out I was pregnant.

I was expecting to look a bit later but this job fell
Into place and I basically named my price and got it. 30% better wage than in US when converted and 40% better than DH. Hence the conflict.

But I could send her to an orphanage and work like the cruel woman I am 😂

OP are you entitled to maternity allowance? If you were employed/self-employed during the relevant weeks of your pregnancy, you may be entitled (same rate as SMP but claimed through job centre).

Is your dh entitled to parental leave? He could care for your child while you start the new role to delay their start at nursery.

Actually, starting nursery at 9-12 months is a time when dc struggle with separation anxiety more than when they are younger. So it may be an easier start. Many nurseries have few children below 6-9 months so they may get more attention. Or you could consider a childminder.

Will the new role allow you to work part-time? Or could your dh work part-time or take some leave each week so that your DC is only I childcare for some of the week?

If it's a good opportunity, don't mose it.

@MsEllany I am American but my company I worked for did 26 weeks full pay or 52 weeks half pay for mat leave. I was planning on the 52 weeks.

@Schoolchoicesucks

OP are you entitled to maternity allowance? If you were employed/self-employed during the relevant weeks of your pregnancy, you may be entitled (same rate as SMP but claimed through job centre).

Is your dh entitled to parental leave? He could care for your child while you start the new role to delay their start at nursery.

Actually, starting nursery at 9-12 months is a time when dc struggle with separation anxiety more than when they are younger. So it may be an easier start. Many nurseries have few children below 6-9 months so they may get more attention. Or you could consider a childminder.

Will the new role allow you to work part-time? Or could your dh work part-time or take some leave each week so that your DC is only I childcare for some of the week?

If it's a good opportunity, don't mose it.

Not eligible for SMP myself, as was employed in US, not UK 😭

My little one went to daycare full time from 12 weeks. I chose a daycare location close to my work. I went to work at 6am and finished at three. My partner dropped her in at 10am. I pumped and took my breaks at staggered times to go there and feed her.
Needs must in our circumstances. It is definitely not ideal or how I planned it. I have to travel for work occasionally, I also and I always took her along, up to 1 year.
Good luck with it, whatever you decide. I know it isn't easy.

* I know I’m going to be shot down for saying this, but why on earth have kids at all if you’re going to shove them in a nursery full time from such a young age when they really need to be bonding with their mother?*
ODFOD

I was expecting to look a bit later but this job fell Into place and I basically named my price and got it. 30% better wage than in US when converted and 40% better than DH. Hence the conflict.

Firstly, if the wage is really good then it sounds like a nanny could definitely be an option? I don't think there's anything wrong with nursery but I would absolutely have a nanny if we could afford one, especially for a little one - it also makes your own life considerably easier.

Secondly, if they were willing to let you name your price on salary they really want you. It might not be possible to get them to delay your start entirely - I guess part of the reason they were willing to pay so much is that they need someone in post quite badly? - but there surely must be some wiggle room on whether you could start on reduced hours or at least have greater flexibility - if they want you that much they'll be at least willing to discuss it.

My daughter was a bottle refused. Me, my husband and our childminder tried and failed to ever get her to take a bottle or cup of milk. I bought loads of different bottles, tried all the tips, various temperatures, expressed milk, formula after 6 months then after a year ordinary milk and nothing took. I breastfed her till she was 3.5! Anyway I returned to work full-time when she was 7 months and not really drinking water or eating much food. I sent her to a lovely childminder and luckily have a short commute do was able to breastfeed her during my lunch break till she turned one and she was drinking much more water and eating a good amount of food. If I have a second child I wouldn't bother trying the bottle as it was so frustrating last time. If we can possibly afford it I'd like more time off work - ideally a year but 10 months would be comfortable.

I know I’m going to be shot down for saying this, but why on earth have kids at all if you’re going to shove them in a nursery full time from such a young age when they really need to be bonding with their mother?

I'll fire a bullet.
Why on earth comment on a thread just to knock someone down. Are you really trying to say only women who can afford to be a SAHM or are funded by AN Other (benefits claimants) should have children?