To think single mums are viewed as having no financial independence

[KatherineofTarragon]

Inspired by a thread i have posted on.

I guess people still see single mums in society as younger and with younger children and at a financial disadvantage?

I am a single mum to what are now older grown DC's , have been for years. Because i have worked full time and own my lovely home people have frequently been "surprised" to learn i am on my own. It has got on my nerves over the years that people think i should somehow be different/poorer as a single mum. I think this is because people in general have pre conceived ideas about what being a single mum is.

I do not fit into their narrative. I have more financial freedoms than them and a large house i pay for. People generally do not expect single mums to have this so there is a societal connotation to being a single mum.

Are people willing now to accept that a woman can be a single parent, work full time and maintain her own home?

I'd be more likely to assume a single mum was financially independent than a partnered mum - because in a partnership it's so often the mum who ends up compromising her career.

It depends what you mean by financial independence. If you mean self supporting and claiming no state assistance then it’s likely they are rarer than than those claiming benefits so it may surprise some people.

It’s a really interesting point.

I feel very similar: I am a single mum and on a pretty decent salary - enough to be comfortable. I’m sure if I had stayed married I would have sacrificed a lot of career progression because my ex H wasn’t prepared to make the accommodation necessary to allow me work. It’s come at a cost of a lot of expensive childcare but ultimately it’s put me in a better position than if I had stayed married.

I think a lot of people don’t recognise that unless you have an unusually supportive and progressive husband, being married often does limit women’s career and financial progression. Of course there are upsides to being married but this for me was an unexpected upside of being on my own.

I think generally speaking there’s a lot to be said for being a single mother as long as you have a degree of security. A lot of the biases against us are based on outdated moral and patriarchal judgement . We need to do better PR!

Does financially independent mean no state help. No free childcare from parents. No generous maintenance from ex. Independence means different things to different people.

I don't generally make an assumption on finances when someone posts they are a single mum. However, how easy financial independence is seems to depend when someone became a single mum. I'm paying for 2.5 days a week childcare and I know it would be £250 a week for DS to do 5 full days as he is under 2. I guess there is some help available though, wage dependent?

If the child is 7 or something then no, I'm not surprised if they work full time.

Maintenance from ex, generous or not, whatever that means is for the kids. It does not mean the receiving parent is not financially independent. I agree op. I have a graduate career, don't live in the South East and have arranged things so paid childcare is not needed. I'd rather my ex hadn't fucked off with OW but as it is, I like being both responsible and sole devision maker over my home etc.

@Pelleas yes, but i was a partnered mum who returned to full time employment, having being full time employed , with assets , prior to the birth of my DC's. I left work at that time, after marriage , for a period of 6 yrs.

I raised DC's , I left DH and returned to work and sold a property i had bought many years earlier, prior to marriage. Had to then share the the profits from my pre marriage property when we divorced as assets with DH were classed as "married " despite the fact i accrued them
on my own prior to marriage . I had no prior agreement in place. DH came into marriage with nothing, apart from debts which i paid. DH then left with half the property i had bought years earlier , 8yrs before i had even met him. I lost all that money as well as the fact i was higher earner and had paid deposit etc for marital home and furnishings.

Have spent last 15 yrs rebuilding my life and properties while raising 2 children. I do not deal in financial matters with anyone more. My finances are mine and i will not share with anymore anymore. Anyone who wants to share my life must be financially solvent and have their own home. I will not be sharing my finances or home ever again with anyone. I am financially independent again.

I do appreciate this makes it difficult for me to meet someone, but i will not allow anyone into my home now unless they have their own home. I am happy to go out on dates, but that is far as it goes if they have not got financial security and independence. I will not carry anyone anymore.

I am a single mum but i have financial independence , as i have always had. I will not be squeezed into the single mum box.

It is insulting for single mums to be penned into a box, implying they have no money. Some of us raise children alone with great financial security and plenty of money.

We are single mums by personal choice and not circumstance.

Yes, i am talking about single parents who receive no state help. Single parents who are self sufficient and raise their children without any state help.

And also those who do not receive grandparent help as has been the case in my case. Basically women alone who have worked, raised children alone and succeeded alone.

Dispelling the myth that it cannot be done.

It can be done and there are loads of us who have done it.

I never think about it In real life but on here there seems to be an exception single parents get subsidised. I don't get any maintenance, benefits or help from parents and I don't think I'm that unusual

It is rare for single parents with young children to receive no financial support or free childcare from their own family. Having to pay full time childcare on one wage is tough

My dad is horrified that the single mum across the road has a fancy sports car "who's paying for that?". Well I don't know for sure but I'd guess she is, I know she gets on the train to London every morning.

She does live with her parents though, which I suspect is what he's getting at.

Thing is OP, you were fortunate, and perhaps unusual that you had the time to build a career and assets before you became a single parent. The majority do not choose it and often have much younger children. I think you sound rather judgemental of those who rely on any state help. Most will receive CB at the very least and given that maintenance rates are woeful and take no account of childcare costs, I think it's a little unfair to imply that single parents who need state assistance are somehow 'less'. Apologies if thats not what you mean but you must accept that your circumstances on becoming an SP are not the norm.

Why are you trying to distance yourself from single mums who require some state help? There’s no shame in needing tax credits to help bridge the gap when you’re looking after your children 85% of the time alone and trying to make ends meet.

I was always financially independent, I didn't live on benefits but had a student grant in the early 80s. I was thrifty but managed to buy my own house. I am married now) DD is long since grown up) but I still consider myself to be financially independent of my husband. Old habits die hard.

@Huge, no, my eldest was 4 when i became a single mum. I had my second at 35 and then became a single parent to 2. I had worked since 18 and bought my first property at 24. I had my first at 29 and second at 35.
I owned 2 homes by the time i had my first. The same homes that were split with my ex husband. I had made provision
when I owned a new further home when i had my second at 35. The same home i own today.

I have well accommodated myself and my children. I am
just saying that sometimes single mums are looked at poorly.

I am trying to say that some of us can easily financially afford our planned pregnancies. We have had failed relationships but we can support the children we have brought into this world.

I have 2 children and i support them financially completely. I have had 2 relationships over 25 yrs resulting in the birth of 2 children.

I have worked and put them both through private school, i have bought and sold a number of properties and handed over £1000's to exDh. I have bust a gut in jobs i have hated.

I am just saying single mums are looked down upon and actually they should not be. We work really hard and we provide the best for our children.! We may be single mums but we can on occasion earn more than dads and we should really be afforded more respect.

I met DH when I was 19. Had we had DS even after say 5 years and split up, all we owned jointly was a property in negative equity (it would have been late 2008). 12 years later we've got a 2 year old, equity if we needed to split a deposit, better jobs. I don't think it's that unusual to feel sympathy for a young single mum of a small child, under the assumption she's unlikely to have a load of assets. Especially now. The period between mat leave and the 3 year old funded hours is incredibly expensive.

I absolutely agree with you that single mothers should be shown respect. A lot of what you say I agree with wholeheartedly and you are right to be proud. However, I am a newly single parent who is having to rely on help from my parents to be able to manage. I do work part time, but my children are preschool age and childcare is expensive. Whether intentional or not, your posts do make me feel a little bit like I'm not such a good single mum as you are.

So as a single parent of 3, working full time in a professional job, with some state benefits - child benefit, tax credits, DLA - no maintenance or family support (parents are long dead, no siblings, no relationship with my ex’s family), home owned outright, car, some savings - I am not independent?

I think you know exactly where you can put your superiority, OP. You are not better than me because you don’t have a disabled child or happen to earn more. Jesus fucking wept. As if single parenting wasn’t hard enough. Judgement from the people who really should know better.

Really don’t understand the point of this thread? Stealth boast? A lot of single mums can’t work full time & pay child care, & buy their own house, & send their kids to private school. Quite unrealistically for most people.

So are they the mums you want squeezed into the single mums box? but you’re a better version of a single mum? Honestly, I just don’t get it.

Single mums come in all shapes, sizes and income brackets! But there is an unfortunate stereotype of a “benefit scrounging, ill educated teenager with DC by different partners”, which too many people think is the norm.
I have been amused when people rant about single mothers in my hearing. I let them finish before pointing out that I, a hospital doctor, became a single mother with two babies when my DH died. I raised them alone for their entire childhood, with no financial or childcare help from relatives- the nearest of whom lived 250 miles away and worked full time. I had one weekend away from the DC in 16 years. And contrary to stereotype, both DDs are now graduates and home owners, with successful careers.
I have huge respect for any woman who raises DC alone, juggling career and family, doing all the diy, housework, emotional labour, etc - we all deserve a bloody medal, not opprobrium from people who don’t have a clue what we went through!

DH then left with half the property i had bought years earlier , 8yrs before i had even met him

no, my eldest was 4 when i became a single mum. I had my second at 35 and then became a single parent to 2. I had worked since 18 and bought my first property at 24. I had my first at 29 and second at 35

@Babdoc that must have been insanely difficult! Well done, you must be so proud

I'm a single parent. I went on a date with a man who was horrified I work 4 days a week. Yes 4 days a week in a professional job and I own my own home and have done for years. I have 80% care of a 2 year old working full time would finish me off