To think single mums are viewed as having no financial independence

[KatherineofTarragon]

Inspired by a thread i have posted on.

I guess people still see single mums in society as younger and with younger children and at a financial disadvantage?

I am a single mum to what are now older grown DC's , have been for years. Because i have worked full time and own my lovely home people have frequently been "surprised" to learn i am on my own. It has got on my nerves over the years that people think i should somehow be different/poorer as a single mum. I think this is because people in general have pre conceived ideas about what being a single mum is.

I do not fit into their narrative. I have more financial freedoms than them and a large house i pay for. People generally do not expect single mums to have this so there is a societal connotation to being a single mum.

Are people willing now to accept that a woman can be a single parent, work full time and maintain her own home?

Op, I understand why it is irritating. Any generalisation will always be partially wrong, and too many people assume single mum means benefit claimant. And yes, it is insulting. All that effort and people still sneer.

I provide perfectly well for my ds without help. I own our home like plenty of other lone parents and while I don’t have multiple houses or a villa in St Lucia, we do ok.

I have a neighbour who came to chat when they first moved in and said “you got all the marital assets then!”

Just smile at their error and let it wash over you.

@KatherineofTarragon Well done for all you have achieved. Can I ask though, how did you qualify as an actuary whilst having a second job ? And why did you even have a second job if you were earning good money ?

I'm actually wondering if it hadn't been for your age and ability to get on the property ladder if you'd be able to have put so much of your salary towards childcare instead of a large mortgage?

In my shoes (I'm much younger) what you've managed would not be possible for me due to property prices. I was a higher earner when dc1 was born in 2014 and worked ft until they started school. It was on my salary I paid the nanny and had my own income but I'd still never have been able to afford that if I left dh as we (even now) haven't built up enough equity for me to be able to simply move out and buy our own places each without large mortgages each which are actually quite hard to acquire on a single salary, I may be able to buy a cheap grotty place but then I'd probably still fit in your idea of the stereotype then.

I gave up my career to be able to be involved in the school life and tired of handing my dc over to a nanny whilst also working. I am now pt in a low paid wfh job which I'm much happier in than my old career but even on my old salary, we haven't built enough equity for me to be able to easily divorce and move on due to the property market.

Not saying you haven't done well, you sound like you have, only, even on a high salary it's much harder without the equity bit of your posts to do what you've done in today's world.

@heartspnacake. Wow, where did you drag that load of nonsense from?

I love being a single mum. The pleasure of space and creative freedom. somewhere I can relax, no compromises on homework or cooking endless heavy food. A clean bathroom, a tidy house, no keeping up with the neighbours. No nasty financial surprises or bad tempered hangovers. No spiteful in-laws.

Ds is happy, relaxed, flourishing in school.
Life is genuinely a pleasure. You’re making sweeping generalisations as well.

@ItsReallyOnlyMe i was a trainee actuary at BCCI in 1989. I also has a second job as i was renting in London and my one salary did not cover my rent, car loan, going out and savings to buy my own place. I needed more money to make ends meet. BCCI subsequently collapsed and i had to get a new job, which i did. I had to leave home at 19, never went back, no family support, i was on my own. I needed two jobs to support myself.

What would have suggested i do then?

@heartsonacake bullshit. Being divorced is fine for the child, it's being a bad parent that isn't good for the child. And it's not a "broken home" either, we are not in the 19th century.

I am divorced, live with my three dc, am about to start a new job earning £25K, get CB, minimal maintenance, and tax credits.

I consider myself to be financially independent, and have never come across anyone who has looked down on me, but you are doing quite a good job of it OP.

Tax credits and UC are there because wages are not high enough, not because people are feckless and “dependent“.

[quote KatherineofTarragon]"**@MyPersona I’m more interested in how you got pregnant 3 years before you met the father of the child. That seems like a far more impressive feat than living on your own income and yet you are strangely reluctant to address it."

You are seriously getting on my nerves now. What part of what i have said are you not getting? No one else has this issue!

Put your glass down and i will confirm my life story for you again dear one final time:

I bought a flat in 1994
I sold flat in 1998
I got married in 1998 and bought a house using the equity from the flat i bought i bought in 94.
I had a child in 2000
Realised in 2002 DH was a see u next Tuesday so instigated divorce proceedings
2003 - i was earning a shit load of money so bought myself a new home
Late 2003- sold marital home and had to give ex DH 50% because he was a lazy fucker- took 50 % because we married and i did not get back any of what what i put in i lost about about £65k )
2003- met new boyfriend while living in the new house i had already bought.
2006- had child with new partner( my second child))!
2006 - sold my property and put £120k ( equity) towards purchase of new family home. Partner had £50k to put down.
2008- realises partner not for me and left
2008- sold family home and took my money £120k out plus 50% of accrued equity.
2008 - bought new family home
2008 - present day: lived happily ever after.

Clear now***@MyPersona*

[/quote]
I really really can’t be arsed to read all that crap. You said you bought your first house 8 years before you met the father of your child when you were 24. You also said you had the child at 29. I asked for clarification since that doesn’t compute.

You don’t appear to be able to give a straightforward response.

I don’t actually care, I’m just pointing out the inconsistencies and asking if the initial post was a mistake, a lie, what?

@rorty i have had 6 jobs since 1989. Which one would you like to know the salary? My current role pays £63000.00 pa.

@MyPersona bye then!

Xenia, is that you?.

Xenia, is that you?

@KatherineofTarragon what I think is weird too is that many people like some pps think ya single mums are desperate for men. Actually I look at most of my friends and I wouldn’t want most of their relationships. I prefer being myself and having my own space.

[quote KatherineofTarragon]@rorty i have had 6 jobs since 1989. Which one would you like to know the salary? My current role pays £63000.00 pa. [/quote]
Were your previous jobs better paid? You’d struggle to put 2 through private school at that level of income.

The Xenia joke is lost on me as i have no idea what it is.

It may have been funny if i knew what it was you were talking about but i genuinely don't. Don't bother to tell me either, i have lived my whole life not knowing the Xenia joke, i don't need to know it now.

@MyPersona no, you can actually privately educate 2 Dc's on that salary, i have. I had 6 yrs between mine , made it easier.

@SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing

Xenia, is that you?.

Xenia wouldn’t be bragging about £63k a year, she makes that before breakfast.

Your salary is actually quite low for the life you say you achieved?

As I said, I was a higher earner but to have a 'good' house where I live, put my dc through private school (as I currently do) and be able to afford childcare to continue my career this would not be possible if I left my dh. In fact it would be near impossible.

I think it's good when women achieve financial independence in the way you say you have but from what you've posted it's part achievement part luck. Not everyone has luck on their side.

@KatherineofTarragon you're obviously a bit older with grown up dc? Personally I think times are very different now but well done to you.

@KatherineofTarragon but when & where did you use private education? Average fees are about 17k. yr.

@KatherineofTarragon I know exactly what it takes to privately educate multiple children. It must have been a real struggle on one middle management level income.

Xenia was known as a rather boastful and insensitive poster. I believe in her case most of what she posted was actually true, although rather crass; I think some people knew who she was in rl.

Oh, is this hierarchy between single mums a new thing?
Must have missed it while I was busy being poor and having grandparent help to work full time for the last 16 years and gain promotions to earn myself off of tax credits.
My family wanted to help me succeed because they're my family. I'm now doing the same for my sister by helping her and my brother in law with their childcare when I can.
Does feel a bit patronising to the 'likes' of me and like single mums like you are looked down upon because of single mums like me.
Yes, there's a lot like you, but there's also a lot like me who would never have needed any state help if the father of their children were 50% responsible for the children they were 50% responsible for creating.
But no one ever wants to think about that. Far easier to pick apart the woman's role.

According to what I've read in the press about Xenia, pretty much of what she says is true.

Your woman here, on the other hand ....

Pretty much all of what she says, that should read.

@TheKarenWhoKnocks

According to what I've read in the press about Xenia, pretty much of what she says is true.

Your woman here, on the other hand ....

Yes that’s my understanding too.