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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think single mums are viewed as having no financial independence

170 replies

KatherineofTarragon · 13/08/2020 17:31

Inspired by a thread i have posted on.

I guess people still see single mums in society as younger and with younger children and at a financial disadvantage?

I am a single mum to what are now older grown DC's , have been for years. Because i have worked full time and own my lovely home people have frequently been "surprised" to learn i am on my own. It has got on my nerves over the years that people think i should somehow be different/poorer as a single mum. I think this is because people in general have pre conceived ideas about what being a single mum is.

I do not fit into their narrative. I have more financial freedoms than them and a large house i pay for. People generally do not expect single mums to have this so there is a societal connotation to being a single mum.

Are people willing now to accept that a woman can be a single parent, work full time and maintain her own home?

OP posts:
LakieLady · 13/08/2020 20:02

Someone DP knows was already a millionaire when she met her (now ex) husband (also a millionaire). They had 2 kids together and then split up, and agreed that neither of them would make any claim against the other's business.

He may have paid maintenance, but she would have been independent without. Both children are in expensive private schools and she has at least 3 properties, each worth 7-figure sums.

I'd say she's financially independent.

She now has 2 homes, both worth a few mill, a villa in St Lucia and her business just grows and grows.

Wishforsnow · 13/08/2020 20:08

A family member is a single mum to a 2yo and has no state help, owns her own place outright and her ex is now cocklodging elsewhere. He hasn't paid any CSA for 6 months at the bare minimum but tells everyone he is the sole breadwinner and provider for his child as the mother doesn't work. It's because she doesn't need to due to huge savings.

purpleme12 · 13/08/2020 20:08

Respecting others (single mothers or not really) isn't about how much money people earn. You're previous post implies because you earn a decent amount you should be respected more than single mothers who don't

Original poster
KatherineofTarragon · 13/08/2020 20:08

@MarkRuffaloCrumble @FinnyStory I am not saying that. I have never received any childcare from my family( long story) I really have have raised my kids alone. I am
just saying as a single working mum i have thought about and planned and made provision for any children i have and then subsequently went on to to have. I have never had to claim any benefit for myself or in order to raise my children. Not even a free sch meal

@Igotmyholiday I have been the same. I would like to have some
words of wisdom for you love but i don't. Hang in there girl and it will get better as your DC's get older .

OP posts:
Spinachfinger · 13/08/2020 20:12

@MyPersona

DH then left with half the property i had bought years earlier , 8yrs before i had even met him

no, my eldest was 4 when i became a single mum. I had my second at 35 and then became a single parent to 2. I had worked since 18 and bought my first property at 24. I had my first at 29 and second at 35

Confused

Yup, these timelines make no sense. It was headfuck trying to make sense of that.
ItsReallyOnlyMe · 13/08/2020 20:13

Yes I think you're right, but single mums do generally have a lower lifestyle due to economics coupled with the fact that there is only one income coming in.

I have taken my two children (now adults) on lovely holidays over the years. People assume my 'husband' has been 'left' at home working. (Although these are to countries where a financially independent woman is very much the exception).

megletthesecond · 13/08/2020 20:13

I am pleasantly surprised that so many of us have mortgages. It gives us a lot of a stability if you are also working.
I don't work time as I have a challenging tween. Hopefully I can increase hours when she's finished secondary.

dwiz8 · 13/08/2020 20:16

People are willing to accept it

But being a single mum and not financially free is the norm.

People base their opinions on what they see most often.

Original poster
KatherineofTarragon · 13/08/2020 20:19

@Wishforsnow if she has savings and can support herself and her DC she does not need to worry about ex.

He is clearly cock lodging with some one else. Let him cock lodge with them!

Good on your family member for having her own independence !

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/08/2020 20:20

@MyPersona

DH then left with half the property i had bought years earlier , 8yrs before i had even met him

no, my eldest was 4 when i became a single mum. I had my second at 35 and then became a single parent to 2. I had worked since 18 and bought my first property at 24. I had my first at 29 and second at 35

Confused

I can't make sense of that either?
Spinachfinger · 13/08/2020 20:22

OP, based on your timeline, I understand that you bought your first property at 24. I'm making an assumption here that your first child has a different father to your second child. So did you buy your first property independently or with a partner?

Kudos on being a single mum, I'm one too and its bloody hard. I work in a demanding role. I have respect for single parents generally no matter what their earning status.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 13/08/2020 20:22

I have never received any childcare from my family( long story) I really have have raised my kids alone. I am
just saying as a single working mum i have thought about and planned and made provision for any children i have and then subsequently went on to to have. I have never had to claim any benefit for myself or in order to raise my children. Not even a free sch meal

Wow here’s your medal 🏅 You win at single parenting.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 13/08/2020 20:23

I have never received any childcare from my family( long story) I really have have raised my kids alone. I am just saying as a single working mum i have thought about and planned and made provision for any children i have and then subsequently went on to to have. I have never had to claim any benefit for myself or in order to raise my children. Not even a free sch meal

Wow here’s your medal 🏅 You win at single parenting.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 13/08/2020 20:28

Congratulations op. You're obviously a much better parent than me Confused

Original poster
KatherineofTarragon · 13/08/2020 20:30

@Spinachfinger yes, my eldest Dc and my youngest DC have different fathers. I had 2 seperate relationships across 25 yrs. each relationship resulting in the birth of my DC's.

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 13/08/2020 20:33

Apparently having DS when I was in a job that paid roughly the national average wage, and therefore wouldn't be able to pay for full-time childcare, the mortgage and all of the bills on my own (plus private school) equates to not thinking about or planning my child. I shall make sure I'm a Dr, CEO or a banker before I have the next one. Not much time to sort that at 36 but never mind.

Original poster
KatherineofTarragon · 13/08/2020 20:34

@MarkRuffaloCrumble @TheFormerPorpentinaScamander

Thanks. 👌🏻

OP posts:
MyPersona · 13/08/2020 20:35

Spinachfinger yes, my eldest Dc and my youngest DC have different fathers. I had 2 seperate relationships across 25 yrs. each relationship resulting in the birth of my DC's.

Yes but according to your story your first was born 2 years before you met your ExH?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 13/08/2020 20:39

I’m really proud of the fact that I had my children all from the same father.

Some people think that single mothers all have kids by several different dads, but I managed to keep my marriage going long enough to have all 3 of mine with the same dad. I’m so smug and superior that I made better choices than some other single mums.

Do I get my medal now too?

Agwen · 13/08/2020 20:40

I am a single mum to 3 dc. I have a mortgage, a good job, v little maintenance from ex and do not claim any state benefits. So in those respects I sound similar to you.

However I bloody well hope that I do not come across to ANYONE, let alone my other single mum friends, the way you have OP- it's not a contest ffs. It reads as if you think you are better than all those other poor, stupid women who are not in as fortunate a position as you. Because you know, you're better than them.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 13/08/2020 20:40

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

I’m really proud of the fact that I had my children all from the same father.

Some people think that single mothers all have kids by several different dads, but I managed to keep my marriage going long enough to have all 3 of mine with the same dad. I’m so smug and superior that I made better choices than some other single mums.

Do I get my medal now too?

Same. Well almost. Only 2 dc and we weren't married but they do have the same father. Despite me only being 19 when I had ds1. Can I have a small medal?
Spinachfinger · 13/08/2020 20:45

[quote KatherineofTarragon]@Spinachfinger yes, my eldest Dc and my youngest DC have different fathers. I had 2 seperate relationships across 25 yrs. each relationship resulting in the birth of my DC's.
[/quote]
Ok, I thought so. Did you buy your first property independently or with your eldest DCs dad?

Daftodil · 13/08/2020 20:48

just saying as a single working mum i have thought about and planned and made provision for any children i have and then subsequently went on to to have. I have never had to claim any benefit for myself or in order to raise my children. Not even a free sch meal

Lucky you! There are however many single mums who have made plans that unfortunately didn't materialise or who work just as hard but their jobs don't pay so well and whose wages would not cover full time childcare.

Your post comes across like you think there are different levels of being good at being a single mum and those who are on benefits or have childcare help are poor planners or less hardworking.

MyPersona · 13/08/2020 20:53

@MarkRuffaloCrumble @TheFormerPorpentinaScamander

Are either of you clever enough to have conceived any of your children before you met the fathers? If not you might have to give some of the medals back.

Spinachfinger · 13/08/2020 20:53

Also this stands out to me: I have 2 children and i support them financially completely. I have had 2 relationships over 25 yrs resulting in the birth of 2 children.

So you're saying you never recieved any maintenance from either of the fathers? Confused

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