I talk too much, help!

[WanderingFruitWonderer]

This isn't really an AIBU, but I didn't really know where to post.
I talk too much. I get anxious, can't self-regulate, and sometimes I make such a fool of myself. I fear I'm turning into Miss Bates, of Jane Austen's Emma.
Has anyone else had this problem and overcome it? How did you achieve that? It's really getting me down. Thank you

@Marylou62
‘GRAPE..this happens to me too.’
Sometimes I wonder if it’s jealously- like I said I was so willing to take the feedback on board as I know I’m chatty
However the conflicting opinions don’t help. One of my colleagues pointed out that the boss who was critical prefers to work in silence and has poor people skills so maybe it’s personal preference.
Like I said, I’m really not short of friends so I don’t think I’m super annoying all the time

I don’t shut up either.

I then sit at home and reflect on everything I have said, how people have reacted and worry about it. It’s exhausting. Wish I didn’t do it.

Sorry that I can’t offer any input.. but as you can see.. you’re not alone!!

Does anyone else wish they could be more mysterious? I feel like I over share and wish I could appear aloof and not share everything, because those people seem more together and intriguing.
I’m sorry for those of you who’ve been called out for your chart ways. It’s horrible- like imagine if someone was naturally very quiet and they were humiliated for it.
You all sound lovely! You seem really warm and considerate OP I don’t think you have anything to worry about at all

I do this as well, OP...I sometimes replay things in my head and often feel like I didn't let anyone else get a word in edgewise.

I have to try really, really hard not to do it.

Teams/Zoom is actually helping me with this, cos i very rarely take my mic off mute.

Otherwise, i make a fist with my left hand and clench it a bit tighter whenever i get the urge to chime in.

I'm a mess...people must hate me for it.

Does anyone else wish they could be more mysterious?

Yes!

I have a note on my phone to remind me - it says "Stay low key - not everyone needs to know everything about you".

I look at it every morning (along with a few other bits and pieces, goals, etc) as I start my day and it helps me to catch myself when I'm chatting away! I also find writing my thoughts down stops me from blurting it all out, as I always feel like it has to go somewhere!

Meditation has also calmed my mind so it's not darting around all over the place. Caffeine (and ADHD meds) help me to achieve a bit of mental stillness that lessens my over-sharing too. I mean, obviously not for this post (as you all now know my morning routine, positive self-talk strategies, prescriptions, etc), but generally!

'If it's in my head it comes out of my mouth' could be applied to me! Anyone else?

@Marylou62

'If it's in my head it comes out of my mouth' could be applied to me! Anyone else?

Yep, that's me!! Sometimes I manage an internal conversation with myself not to say what I want to - sadly this doesn't happen very often, when it does though I feel victorious

@LonginesPrime I'm interested that you say caffeine helps you - does it make you slow down and feel calmer/more focussed?
I find strong coffee makes me really sleepy (weird) and reading your post about caffeine made me wonder.....

Does anyone else find spending time on a phone/tablet playing games makes them sleepy? I've always thought that screens were supposed to keep you awake but they have the opposite effect on me.......

Yes I would love to be more mysterious

Yes, Marylou62 if it's in my head, it comes out of my mouth. I'm so free & open about my emotions. I literally can't keep the way I feel to myself! I can't internalise my emotions at all...

@WanderingFruitWonderer I am super talkative person! (My mother is the same so I know who I get it off! )

I tell people FAR too much information about myself. Always worn my heart on my sleeve.
Never been one to use 2 words when I can use 20!

My friends know I’m a talker and one of my best mates is just the same - it’s one of the reasons we get on so well.

At my old job the girls used to joke that I talked so much at interview, they gave me the job just to shut me up

But you know what? I accept that this is me. This is my personality. It’s who I am and because of it, I’ve made many many friends over the years.

Please don’t let it get you down. Being a chatty person is not a negative thing! In fact I see it as quite the opposite! People often see you as friendly and approachable when you’re chatty!

@WanderingFruitWonderer

Yes, Marylou62 if it's in my head, it comes out of my mouth. I'm so free & open about my emotions. I literally can't keep the way I feel to myself! I can't internalise my emotions at all...

Same here! I always struggle to contain how I’m feeling.

And often my face will tell people how I’m feeling before my mouth does

@Broomfondle

I'm a really quiet introvert but my anxiety kicks in in social situations and I over talk and over share and always come away feeling like an utter moron. I fill silences with anything and open up more than I'm comfortable with. I also do this awful thing where someone will share something with me and I'll say 'yes that's like the time this happened to me bla bla bla'. It's my clumsy way of trying to say I understand how you feel, I've been through similar, I'm listening, I empathise and I care but instead I just feel selfish and like I've shut them down. Aaaaah! I have no advice on how to improve but as an anxious open book with verbal diarrhoea you have my sympathy (and we'd probably get on so well!)

I do the empathy thing too!

My DP gets annoyed and says that I’m “talking about myself” but I try to explain to him that’s not my intention at all, I’m purely just trying to show him I’m listening, understand and genuinely care!

It’s only my DP that’s ever reacted this way, so up until that point it hadn’t ever occurred to me that anyone else may feel the same way.

@Laiste

I hear myself talking too much and start oversharing quite often. When you've been at home all day with a young DC it's easy to get verbal diarrhea when you suddenly have someone to talk with. Most of the jobs i've done in my life have needed really good communication skills and a willingness to cheerfully chat and talk bollocks and boy i was good at that

My advice is:
Actively check that you are listening carefully to the other person and what they are saying - be careful not to interrupt.

Train yourself to ask another question or two more about what they're saying than you might automatically do, rather than immediately tell a sympathetic similar tale.

When you feel yourself about to go into a long story take a breath and actively try to shorten it to the basics. Go into more detail if the person asks.

Try hard to mirror the amount of intimacy the other person is embarking on. ie: if they haven't gone into massive detail about their health problem/sex life/daily cleansing routine/XHs revolting habits ect then hold back a little with your own detail.

Lastly a good one is train yourself to look for and understand body language. This has two benefits;

1. you'll get an early heads up if you're going on too much, and
2. if you can train yourself to observe what the other person is doing with their body WHILE you're talking then that will help with being more self aware while you talk and change tack accordingly.

Sorry for the long ramble

That’s great advice @Laiste

I too love chatty people as I am the opposite so it is nice to chat

Thank you browneyes77 yep, you definitely sound like you're from the same tribe! I'm so glad you see it as a positive trait - both in yourself, and in others.
I have to say that this thread, and the many encouraging comments, has helped me hugely. I'm feeling way less down about it. Less alone too; and starting to think there are way more positives to it than I'd thought. Though I'm still working on moderating it somewhat!
Thank you CayrolBaaaskin that's another thing this thread has opened my eyes to - that lots of quiet people love chatty folk! I honestly never knew. I always thought us talkers intensely irritate silent souls. I always have felt guilty about chatting away to them. But maybe they like it! Just as I admire their silent calmness. Takes all sorts to make up the world...

I think there is a massive difference between chatty and talking to much. All the people I know who would call themselves 'chatty' are quite self absorbed and talk about themselves all the time so are, frankly, boring. If you think about it if they were really interested in other people they would ask them questions about themselves and the other person would talk.

There are lots of course courses on learning how to listen to people. It's a real skill.if you really think you talk too much you probably are talking to much and so I would try one

Thank you Member869894 for your response and thoughts. I think there are multiple different and unique reasons to explain behaviour. I agree that listening is a skill, and for some people especially, it takes a lot of work and practice. I didn't realise there were courses on the subject though. That's very interesting. I'll look into it. I want to have good listening skills. Thank you for that helpful tip