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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I talk too much, help!

168 replies

WanderingFruitWonderer · 13/08/2020 17:14

This isn't really an AIBU, but I didn't really know where to post.
I talk too much. I get anxious, can't self-regulate, and sometimes I make such a fool of myself. I fear I'm turning into Miss Bates, of Jane Austen's Emma.
Has anyone else had this problem and overcome it? How did you achieve that? It's really getting me down. Thank you

OP posts:
GingerLiberalFeminist · 15/08/2020 11:06

I really really feel your pain. Im the same, quiet and bookish. But in company i get so ancious i gabble away and cant listen.

I known it is anxiety. I think I should try and breathe and listen but I'm too scared to practice!

Bookmarked for comments!!!

AufderAutobahn · 15/08/2020 11:16

I'd love to be a mysterious, silent type.

There's no such thing. People who don't say much are usually just termed quiet, and more often than not, dull. I say this as a quiet person who would love to be more chatty Sad

As long as you're not yapping on about the same subject for ages, you're reasonably aware of other people and let them speak too, I'm sure you are fine and great company 😀

Marylou62 · 15/08/2020 11:25

A lot of you have mentioned that you are anxious which is why you are so talkative..I so wish I had this reason!!..I'm just a whorlwind ! I'm a big lady too..6ft and am aware I can appear intimidating..I've been asked if I was the entertainment at a party once!!.
I was chosen for a nannying job in South America once because of my confidence and chattyness..they knew it would be needed (one of the best times of my life)
But I was badly bullied at school because of it as I always got involved if I saw another person being bullied..I've lost 'friends' because they thought I didn't listen..(maybe true)..but it would have only been once because I went out of my way for her in the past, and even went to court as a witness for her (DV)..
I should add that altho I have described my self as Gobby and a gobshite I am not and have never been verbally aggressive..I hate confrontation and walk away from any nastiness
So it can be a blessing ..I've learned to except that I can't change my personality and am at peace with my self..

LonginesPrime · 15/08/2020 11:25

I talk a huge amount, OP, and like a few PPs, have recently been diagnosed with ADHD.

I'm a self-help junkie and before I realised it was ADHD, I'd spent my whole life turning to self-help books/audio/websites to address each of my discrete difficulties (and I continue to do this as it's my key to winning at life).

For the talking, I found applying the strategies from "How to Win Friends and Influence Peoole" massively helpful. I'm very goal-oriented so knowing that applying x strategy will help me fare better in social situations helped me to stifle my own need to get my thoughts out of my head before I explode.

My aim would be to keep in mind that I need to give the impression that I'm finding the person I'm talking to incredibly interesting and to follow specific rules to achieve the appearance of social cohesion (despite the fact I'm merely emulating social norms and am dying inside from boredom and frustration!).

This works best in professional networking situations where the stakes are high because in those situations, my motivation to overcome my own foibles (i.e. for professional success) is far greater.

To be honest, in other purely social situations, it's simply not worth the massive effort it takes to do this, so I don't tend to jump at the chance of hanging out with people I can't be completely myself around.

However, my DM is incredibly talkative and tangential too (definitely undiagnosed ADHD IMO but she 'doesn't believe in it') and over the course of her life, she's built up a large network of eccentric friends (like attracts like) who value her and accept her as she is. They love her crazy stories and her animated personality and they don't judge her by unattainable neurotypical conventions, so she doesn't experience the isolation of being the different one - they're all united in their view that they're normal and the rest of the world is mad and/or boring!

I only have a tiny handful of neurodivergent
friends, but I aspire to build what my DM has over the coming decades of my life.

Marylou62 · 15/08/2020 11:29

Maybe we should keep this thread going for us to type away about nothing much!! I'm an avid reader and could talk books all day too..

JamieFrasersSassenach · 15/08/2020 11:40

@BertieBotts

I have ADHD (non hyperactive) and am like this. For me it's a symptom of it. I don't mind though, I quite like the way I am although I should work harder at not interrupting people.

Are you also forgetful, hopelessly disorganised, have a million unfinished projects and are never on time for anything?

The giving your own experience when someone shares theirs, and people getting annoyed with this is apparently a classic "how the neurodiverse brain works" thing.

This is me!! I have suspected for quite a while now that I may have ADHD - I talk ALOT about anything and everything. I try so hard not to interrupt others - it's something I am conscious of in every conversation I have. I lose misplace things constantly, and I am a queen of procrastination. However, like a PP I am very good at making new members of any group feel welcome and at ease and I think I'm extremely empathetic. I just don't shut up. Ever. I also talk to myself. All the time. I find meditating very hard because my mind wanders so quickly (why I start things and suddenly am off doing something completely different.) The only time I'm not talking is when I'm asleep, eating, drinking or doing something which I am hyper focussing on - then hours can go by without me realising. Oh well - life would be boring if we were all the same wouldn't it?!?!
something2say · 15/08/2020 11:42

Try PRACTICING. Practice going to the shop or whatever and saying very little xx

Marylou62 · 15/08/2020 11:53

Jamie..I'm always saying what a boring world it would be if we we're all the same..

Bassettgirl · 15/08/2020 11:59

Maybe we should keep this thread going for us to type away about nothing much!! I'm an avid reader and could talk books all day too..

I'm in! I could type on here instead of sending texts about nothing to my friends Grin

Marylou62 · 15/08/2020 12:03

Funny that..I hate talking on the phone..but could keep a text convo going all day..Correctly punctuated and spelled..no tx speak 4 me..

WanderingFruitWonderer · 15/08/2020 12:10

Welcome GingerLiberalFeminist you're among friends here.
Interesting that you aspire to be more chatty AufderAutobahn when I aspire to be much less so! If only we could have a bit of a swap?! I wonder how much control any of us have over these things... Thank you too, for the good company comment.
Thank you JamieFrasersSassenach. I relate to sooo much of what you say.
Great idea Marylou62! About keeping the thread alive for random chat! I actually think I've found my tribe. I didn't realise there were so many of us... I was very badly bullied for part of my education too, and I wonder if there's a link..
Thank you something 2say. Yes, maybe silence can take practice, like everything else? I'm going shopping shortly actually, so I'll give it a try. I usually get into conversation with someone, about teabags or something. Yep, even at a two metre distance with masks on! I'll practice a more meditative shop today. Thank you. I'd not thought of it as a thing to practice before...

OP posts:
katy1213 · 15/08/2020 12:13

Miss Bates was well-loved - and Emma got a right ticking-off from Mr Knightley when she was horrid to her.

LonginesPrime · 15/08/2020 12:15

The giving your own experience when someone shares theirs, and people getting annoyed with this is apparently a classic "how the neurodiverse brain works" thing

Yes - in conversations, I often appear to change the subject to something completely unrelated, but what's actually happening is that my neurodivergent brain makes connections in a non-linear way. So the thought that, to me, is incredibly useful and vitally relevant might mean nothing to someone else. And worse than merely not being useful or relevant, the other person interprets my 'changing the subject' (which absolutely wasn't what I was doing!) as my being rude and signalling that I wasn't interested in what they were saying!

For example, someone is upset about a problem they're having at work. I proceed to tell them a random bible story or a Greek myth or describe a scene from a novel or a movie that's based on the exact same principle and perfectly illustrates that their work problem can be attributed to a universal truth of human nature or an age-old paradox, etc. My neurodivergence means my brain naturally sees patterns that don't always appear logical to others.

So they think I'm being rude or disinterested when actually I'm trying to reassure them it's not their fault or they're treading a well-trod path or to explain what Jesus or Tarantino said about it. If they don't fully hear me out or don't know me that well, they'll go away from that conversation thinking "I just tried to pour my heart out about my bitch boss and Longines just went on about The Animals of Farthing Wood, WTF?".

Pinkginhelps · 15/08/2020 12:17

You can't fundamentally change who you are. However, you can learn to repeat back shat people say to you, comment on what they say and ask questions. This way you talk whilst still listening. I'm a talker too but try to use this as much as I can although sometimes I get excited and forget. Don't beat yourself up but try to practice this, it gets easier and you will find out so much about people!

Marylou62 · 15/08/2020 12:17

But Wondering..what if that chat about Tbags was the only conversation that person has had for a while?..that chat might make a new friend?
A new Mother started at school and had an obviously unwell child with her.(relevant because some people are nervous/uneasy around disabilities)..I just started chatting..we've been friends now for 20+ years..She said I was the only one to talk to her.

Marylou62 · 15/08/2020 12:18

Anyway enough about me..tell me a little about yourselves...(see what I did there? I am trying)

WanderingFruitWonderer · 15/08/2020 12:18

I'm in too Bassettgirl! Yes, I reckon my friends would be impressed by the reduction in my texts and emails. They'd think I'd have overcome my problem, but little would they know...
Well, I'm off for my meditative silent shop now, and I really am going to try hard... Thank you all so much. I feel so much better since I first posted yesterday. I was feeling a bit of despair then. Love to all my fellow chatterboxes, and to the silent among you too...

OP posts:
WanderingFruitWonderer · 15/08/2020 12:23

Good point Marylou62 about teabag chats. Hmm, maybe I'll see how I on at the shops! Maybe I'm not ready for total silence, just a moderation! I'll play it by ear. I'll let you know how my less chatty shopping goes...

OP posts:
JamieFrasersSassenach · 15/08/2020 12:24

@WanderingFruitWonderer I love that I always chat to someone I don’t know when I’m shopping (if I don’t know them it doesn’t matter if they think I talk too much!)
I’m definitely up for keeping this thread going - so nice to have other ‘chatters’ to converse with Smile

Marylou62 · 15/08/2020 12:25

OMG Longines..You have just written what I would like to say perfectly! I go off on tangents that to me seem perfectly reasonable and will make understanding their problem easier..My real friends put up with my train of thought.
I could have adult conversations very early..My DM says it was the summer before I was 1yr old??!! I'm October born..I was reading at 3..I didn't go to uni though..just a quick very active mind

Marylou62 · 15/08/2020 12:32

To you all..I can usually tell if someone doesn't want to be chatted to..But am sorry if anyone was held captive!
My bestest friend still tells the story of how I bombarded her with my questions when she first came to my school.(My DM told me there's a girl starting school and you shared a pram and were friends for the first years of your life. We then both moved to different areas. She moved to my school at about 14)

LonginesPrime · 15/08/2020 12:40

Ha, Marylou - I've clearly found my people!

And in the subject of Wandering's tea bag chats and your JayKay encounter, I'd also like to add that they way my DM amassed her huge army of similarly quirky friends who completely appreciate her and all her eccentricities was largely a result of her being herself in public - as it identified her as a like mind (and what we might nowadays refer to a neurodivergent) to others and they felt drawn to her.

A few of my DM's friends were people she'd met in school/uni/work, but many of her closest friendships are the result of her unconventional behaviour around strangers (things like being the only two people who laughed out loud at something no-one else found funny on the tube platform, or someone approaching her after she spoke her mind at a public meeting, etc). And even with the people she connected with in school/uni/work, they wouldn't have known she was the same as them if she'd stayed quiet and hadn't worn her heart on her sleeve.

LonginesPrime · 15/08/2020 12:42

*as neurodivergent

Marylou62 · 15/08/2020 12:46

I never saw myself as neurodivergent before but maybe..I know my brain is wired differently to some people..I suppose that's what it means..
You sound educated Longines..I'm not of a generation that went to uni from comprehensive school but I did qualify as a childrens nurse, where my talking was useful..

noses11 · 15/08/2020 12:49

Not out of anxiety, but I think it's something I may have inherited from my mum, saying three sentences when two will do. I have got better at regulating this, sometimes being a bit short or blunt at times, but I hope recognition is a step forward.

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