I talk too much, help!

[WanderingFruitWonderer]

This isn't really an AIBU, but I didn't really know where to post.
I talk too much. I get anxious, can't self-regulate, and sometimes I make such a fool of myself. I fear I'm turning into Miss Bates, of Jane Austen's Emma.
Has anyone else had this problem and overcome it? How did you achieve that? It's really getting me down. Thank you

Yes Broomfondle the same on so many points! It's mostly anxiety for me I think.
I do the same thing when people share stuff. I also feel huge empathy when they're talking, and want to show it, but I think I can come across as though I'm trying to take over the conversation. I try to stop myself, but... Oh, and I ask so many questions! Personal, boundary-crossing stuff sometimes. I've got such good intentions, but can't self-regulate. Yes, we'd get on very well I think. You have my full sympathy & empathy

Yep, InvisibleInvisibility I'm a huge oversharer too! Even with strangers. Afterwards, I always cringe at myself. But can't stop myself in the moment. Sounds like we're very similar

You sound like someone I’d get on with. I talk loads and felt shame for years about it. Now, in my 40s, I just accept it. We are all different. I try not to interrupt and I try to be a good listener. I get excited and I’m really animated but also I’m quite blunt🙈

We aren’t for everyone!

I suspect I have ADHD too and have been considering going for a diagnosis for some time.

Ps as I’ve got older I filter out people who I feel “disapprove” of me. I focus on those who seem to like me. I’ve met lots of mums at the park who’ve straight away told me personal stuff and I have no issue with it! A lot of people are v v uptight

Welcome strawberryplanting it seems there are more of us out there than I realised.
Aww, thank you user5656 I always worry about what silent types think of 'people like me'. It's good to know we can appreciate one another

Interesting post OP. As a quiet type, I find it hard to relate, and it’s really surprising to me that you are aware of your trait, you dislike it, but you are unable to stop it. I never considered that it could be that way.

I don’t think you should feel down on yourself, but I do find people who prattle very tiresome at times, so it’s good to be able to read the room. I have one colleague who can’t answer the simplest question without going into a five-minute reply. I get frustrated with her because, quite simply, she wastes my time. Sorry to sound harsh. You sound really nice OP and I don’t want to seem like I’m attacking you. Good luck x

I was going to say what @OverUnderSidewaysDown said- it's such a relief sometimes to have someone who makes the small talk so I don't have to.

@WanderingFruitWonderer

Thank you AlltheRs you have my empathy! Comforting to know I'm not the only one.

Thank you MitziK I should try harder to meditate. Other people have recommended it too. Any techniques you'd recommend? I must commit more to it

Mindfulness of breathing. Not the Mindfulness-lite shite that's punted out complete with whalesong, flickering fractals and images of the sea and storms, together with a monthly fee for an app, the type as taught as a practice in Buddhism.

Interesting BertieBotts and Siameasy. I hadn't considered ADHD. Maybe I should look into it. I don't have all the traits you both mention, but certainly lots of unfinished projects!
I guess things have variation. Thank you for that.
Love that you have come to acceptance, and ditched the shame Siameasy

Thank you GhostCurry. Don't worry, you don't sound at all harsh, and I didn't feel at all attacked by your post. I'm grateful for the feedback.
Yes, it really is so hard for me to control it. My heart beats so fast when I talk. I can't stop myself talking. I think I'm just not a controlled or self-regulating person. People frequently misunderstand it. I'm afraid I can't give short replies, just like your colleague and I'm certain I exasperate more controlled people. I don't blame them, as I exasperate myself too

That's very helpful MitziK I'm excited about giving that s serious try. Thank you so much

I have a dear friend like this. I lover her so would never say anything but she sometimes just makes my ears ache.

It’s like she’s telling you a story but can’t just say “My friend Doris met Prince Charles “ she has to explain who Doris is, and how lovely she is and who she’s married to and then what happened to Doris th week before she met Prince Charles. This reminds her of what happened to her in that same week eventually you know everything you didn’t really want to know .

The worst things is she camera,y isn’t paying attention to the fact I’m not engaged and doesn’t even let me interrupt with any questions etc. It’s like she’s determined to tell you everything. Whilst I mostly find it amusing and can zone out, sometimes I fund it hurtful that she’s not interested in me.

Clearly not cameray!

“doesn’t even let me interrupt with any questions etc. It’s like she’s determined to tell you everything.” I know some people like this, I find it really rude.

Another person I know, I can just see her poised to interrupt when she wants to say something. Sometimes (because I’ve put up with it for so long and it annoys me now) I’ll give her a Look and continue talking, but it’s totally pointless, because she has zoned out completely and is simply waiting for the noise (me talking) to stop so she can say what’s on her mind. It’s horrible.

I hear myself talking too much and start oversharing quite often. When you've been at home all day with a young DC it's easy to get verbal diarrhea when you suddenly have someone to talk with. Most of the jobs i've done in my life have needed really good communication skills and a willingness to cheerfully chat and talk bollocks and boy i was good at that

My advice is:
Actively check that you are listening carefully to the other person and what they are saying - be careful not to interrupt.

Train yourself to ask another question or two more about what they're saying than you might automatically do, rather than immediately tell a sympathetic similar tale.

When you feel yourself about to go into a long story take a breath and actively try to shorten it to the basics. Go into more detail if the person asks.

Try hard to mirror the amount of intimacy the other person is embarking on. ie: if they haven't gone into massive detail about their health problem/sex life/daily cleansing routine/XHs revolting habits ect then hold back a little with your own detail.

Lastly a good one is train yourself to look for and understand body language. This has two benefits;

1. you'll get an early heads up if you're going on too much, and
2. if you can train yourself to observe what the other person is doing with their body WHILE you're talking then that will help with being more self aware while you talk and change tack accordingly.

Sorry for the long ramble

Thank you MrsGrindah. I understand your frustration. Your friend is probably much more interested in you than it seems. Excessive talking really can be an uncontrollable compulsion. But I recognise how hard it is for people in your position.
Your friend sounds a little different from me. As I can tell if people aren't interested, and I try to listen back. But I go off in massive tangents, just like you described. It is a compulsion. Maybe with different causes for different people...

Thank you Laiste that's all very helpful advice, from someone who 'gets it'. I'm actually starting to feel quite excited about the possibility of changing, or maybe just moderating my problem. It's been getting me so down today, for various reasons. But maybe change is possible. Many thanks

Good luck OP! You sound so genuine and kind.

Thank you GhostCurry. Bless you

I can drivel on about nothing to anybody and, what's worse, according to my grandson I tend to SHOUT! I blame face masks and grandpa being a bit deaf.

You know what OP? The time i suffer from this the worst is in job interviews. And being nervous makes all my 'good advice to self' go straight out the window. I end up prattling on and getting hotter and hotter.

One time at interview i got to the end of a massive ''therefore, consequently, and even though there must be exceptions to this, notwithstanding that at the end of the day everything has been taken into consideration .....'' kind of preamble (with the interviewer actually leaning forward eager to hear the point) i had to stop and admit i'd totally forgotten what the bloody hell i was on about!!

amazingly i did get the job!

Thank you Wanderer for starting this thread. It's interesting, and so glad you can see you're so not alone. It's uncomfortable to not be totally socially competent, but remember it isn't a crime!

I wasn't going to explain further for fear of that oversharing/making it about you thing, but hearing you mention self-regulating it seems wrong to not.

In childhood I was expected to be seen and not heard but considered sullenly silent. Then straight into marriage with little to say, which suited my husband and his family. So first half of life notably quiet.
Then fairly major head injury and came out of it talking for England. Self discharged and fell through any net.

New me was excruciating. Internally quiet and private, and externally a loud over sharer. My only real solution was to be very solitary for a long time. ( I still retreat to it at times breaking friendships in the process)
I'm more used to myself now, fine with total silence, and happy with lively chatty people, but it's those polite well edited social conversations in between the two extremes that I struggle with.
I can do short term polite exchange and keep myself to myself, but it's fed back as too little.
I can do 'worked' conversation where I'm actually putting all my energy into providing an acceptable me for the other person and it's all about ensuring their comfort. It works for others but I've never ended up with friendship from it. People know something's off.

TBH mainly I wish people who don't actually want to talk, wouldn't try and start conversation with me, because I know they won't like the real me. Perhaps we could wear warning badges...

My mother does that thing where she believes she’s being empathetic by talking about her own experience. It really doesn’t achieve the result she thinks it will- it just infuriates me when she does it to me and mortifies me when I observe her doing it to others. I read a book recently which referred to this as being “self referential” i.e. referring to oneself all the time.

I really like chatty people but not when you can’t get a word in.

@Broomfondle are you me? I do that too. I have ASD and it's taken me many years to realise. I can't stop doing it though.

Thank you all for the latest replies. I'll respond properly later (life taken over just now) but wanted to acknowledge them. I was deeply moved by your account AlltheRs. I totally relate to job interview-related woe Laiste! So glad you got the job.
I'm so comforted by how many of us earnest, but verbally chaotic people there are on here. I often feel so misunderstood...