I talk too much, help!

[WanderingFruitWonderer]

This isn't really an AIBU, but I didn't really know where to post.
I talk too much. I get anxious, can't self-regulate, and sometimes I make such a fool of myself. I fear I'm turning into Miss Bates, of Jane Austen's Emma.
Has anyone else had this problem and overcome it? How did you achieve that? It's really getting me down. Thank you

I’m a fellow sufferer. Love to talk, often over share, and can make a fool of myself. I cringe at certain memories.

I love chatty over sharers, and always feel better when I’ve had a chat with one.

Think gossip is unfairly maligned, as it is often useful life education, not malicious. Refuse to take part in nasty gossip.

I used to gabble, but after consciously working on for a looong time I am mastering it. I don't drink coffee in meetings as this is still where I rev up and can't control my talking. But sometimes I find I now go the other way and simply can't be arsed to talk, which is worse. I focus on listening more and letting people finish before butting in. The downside is that now I tend to be talked AT instead! It's good to be a talker, don't eradicate your ability to chat completely, but just slow down, take your time and focus on breathing if you notice your heart rate/anxiety rising.

Oh I like people who talk. I sometimes just don't say anything for days. It's a relief to me to have someone do the talking. All my best friends are talkative.

I do too Jo and the world really needs talkers!

I’m also super chatty and have even been in trouble in work for it. The junior manager pulled me up about it quite rudely and nastily but I took her point and retreated into myself as much as possible. The big manager then took me aside and asked if I was ok because they all noticed I hadn’t been my chatty self and they missed it. She even commented that I was one of the few people in our building to make others feel welcome and lots of people had commented on it positively.
You win some, you lose some OP I guess. I often wonder if I’m super annoying but I have loads of friends and am always invited out etc.
For me, it stems from an abusive childhood where I was told I was worth nothing and nobody cared about anything I said. It’s turned me into a people pleaser and makes me feel I have to justify everything I do and to get people to like me.

OP, this is me. I'm so aware that I do it but can't seem to stop it. Having said that, I'm very socially confident and can have a conversation with anybody and I'm good at filling awkward silences so I try and embrace that instead

Another talker and over-sharer here too!
sometimes I catch myself and it can literally make me tearful when i wonder what people think of me
I actively avoid going shopping at all as I can't smile or talk to people wearing a mask as I love to see peoples faces
It doesn't help that I work from home now so my little bubble of people I talk to remains the same and I have to actively stop myself from babbling on virtual meetings !

This is me too. I often dominate conversations and emerge from social situations cringing with embarrassment that I’ve done it again! As a child I talked precociously to adults but found it difficult to make friends with other children and was often bullied. I think I became a chatterbox to disguise my awkwardness in social situations. Eventually I kidded myself and believed I was a confident sociable person. People I meet find it hard to believe I ever struggled to make friends, as I’m very sociable and have many friends. I do try to be a good listener, but I’m painfully aware of my frequent failures!

GRAPE..this happens to me too..Got told off for talking too much by one person, (I can't regulate my talking..it's my personality!..Just like asking a normally quiet person to be more chatty?) so just went quiet, mortified that someone could point this out, horrified that I had been so publicly humiliated...But then everyone else told me to ignore her, and be myself! Confusing sometimes..I now just except there is always going to be people who can't stand my talking but the friends I have do..

Just wanted to say a big thank you for all the lovely, thoughtful replies & responses; and for all the compassion & empathy here. I didn't realise so many other people have the same issues. I wonder if we're an extra well-meaning bunch? Maybe that's why we use so many words partly, to try and find the right ones?!
Jumping Frogs it's so interesting, what you say about becoming a chatterbox to disguise social awkwardness. I feel very awkward at parties and the like, and try to over-compensate. Ultimately, I just want people to like me! I like other people (most people I meet - it's rare for me not to) and want to ingratiate myself with them. But get so tied up in knots, and try to hide it with words, words and yet more words! I'm actually an introvert, in the sense that I re-energise alone. I'm a very chatty, people-loving introvert. I don't know how common that is... Grape I relate to so much. I also have lots of friends funnily enough. I try to remember that if I'm feeling so low about myself and my overactive tongue.
Thank you Tigerstripe yes I get tearful about it. I was very upset yesterday, as I felt so out of control, and misunderstood. I dread to think what some people make of my merry-go-round way of talking.
Thank you Stressing it sounds like you're finding a good balance, so maybe there's hope for me!
Thank you Thunder Thighs funnily enough, one of the reasons I got so upset yesterday, is that I heard someone thought I'd gossiped. I was devastated, as I meant well, and thought I was just innocently sharing harmless news. Like you, I avoid any bad gossip. It was so innocent from my point of view, but really made me think about how misunderstood my talking makes me. So it's interesting what you say about gossip. Maybe not all bad? Food for thought...
Thank you Formidable for your positive attitude. Thank you jolokoy for appreciating the talking tribe!
Thank you to everyone else I have or haven't mentioned. I'm grateful for every response. I feel grateful for every response, less down on myself, and more hopeful of slightly less loquatious future!

I like the tips from Laiste - thanks for that.

I too am socially awkward so talk too much to overcompensate.

@Broomfondle

I'm a really quiet introvert but my anxiety kicks in in social situations and I over talk and over share and always come away feeling like an utter moron. I fill silences with anything and open up more than I'm comfortable with. I also do this awful thing where someone will share something with me and I'll say 'yes that's like the time this happened to me bla bla bla'. It's my clumsy way of trying to say I understand how you feel, I've been through similar, I'm listening, I empathise and I care but instead I just feel selfish and like I've shut them down. Aaaaah! I have no advice on how to improve but as an anxious open book with verbal diarrhoea you have my sympathy (and we'd probably get on so well!)

You have just verbalised exactly how I feel and act.

I have ended friendships with people I like who can't regulate how much they talk, because being on the receiving end of non-stop talk can feel like being used. I have a friend who I always see in a group of 4, who talks non stop - you can see she is lit up with it and very excited, but the rest of us are struggling to stay awake - not connecting authentically with your companions is really fucking boring, just stop it.

Thank you for your honest feedback MactheRover. I am certainly trying to stop it. Alas, it's not that easy to do so instantly. But I'm starting to work hard on moderating myself.
Best wishes

Do you really think you’re heading for Miss Bates territory though OP? I don’t think I am, maybe you’re being too hard on yourself after all she is extreme. She talks drivel.
I did the asking extra questions thing today and the other person looked pleased.
Thing is (because I suspect I have ADHD and generally shit short term memory) I forget what they’ve told me and end up looking ridiculous asking them the same Qs another time ffs do you do this?

Generally people don't remember exactly what they have told you, either, unless it is very important to them or was within the same conversation. So I wouldn't worry too much about accidentally repeating questions.

Yes, the asking questions tip is very good actually, all of Laiste's advice is! I will try to remember this. I think the thing is I always worry that asking questions is nosy or rude and if somebody wanted to share more, they would. But I noticed that the people I enjoy chatting with the most tend to ask quite a lot of questions, and I don't think of it as intrusive. Another one I'd add that I learned as a language teacher - be OK with silence. People often need 20-30 seconds of silence before they will respond, if they are a quieter person or more of a thinker. (More like a minute or two when talking to children or waiting for a response to something which requires some thought). You can literally count in your head if you want to or just do some (subtle!) slow breathing which prevents you from being able to talk. Make eye contact, if you're face to face, and smile. You will find that they fill the silence when you give them a chance!

A mistake that a lot of people make when they start out teaching (and if you're quite a chatty person, in conversations) is that they feel uncomfortable in silence. I had to learn to be OK with the silence because I would end up running a class where I'd talk all the time and that wasn't any good because it wasn't me who needed to practice English. Now I've got the hang of this I go to a German conversation cafe and notice that the woman who runs it has exactly the same problem and nobody has told her! She doesn't give us thinking time to respond so by the time we've thought of what to add to the conversation she has gone off into another train of thought. It's entertaining and good for listening practice, but doesn't give you much of a chance to practice speaking.

I think sometimes I do better in German, because I don't speak it that well so I can't ramble and it takes me a little while to formulate a response which allows other people to get a word in edgeways.

I'm really glad that you posted this thread op. I suffer from social anxiety and get so anxious when talking to new people that I frequently over share and talk at them rather than to them. I have the exact same problem as broomfondle (sorry I don't know how to tag people on here!)

I'm a talker and I used to hate myself for it. I can't stand awkward silences so I just babble on and on. But now I am older, I actually see it as a skill that not everyone has. I can talk to absolutely anyone, in any situation and I can keep the conversation flowing. I was recently at an interview and had to wait with two other candidates in awkward silence so I just started chatting to them. The three of us then relaxed and laughed, which worked perfectly as we then got taken off together for a group exercise.

I met the new partner of a family member the other day and she was lovely and chatty and I thought "Thank God" because it was easy to get to know her and she came across as being so warm and open. You don't get that with a closed book.

Most people are grateful for people like us as we do all the hard work for them!

Aww, bless you Squeakycheese. Thank you. It seems there are far more of us anxious over sharers out there than I realised. Maybe loads of us are struggling with social awkwardness, and over-compensation? I genuinely didn't think it was that common an issue... Well, you're in good company here. I'd love to see what would happen if we were all in a room together?! We'd actually all have a great time I reckon, as we wouldn't worry about being judged for our chatter! I often worry about 'normal' people judging me...

@WanderingFruitWonderer Miss Bates was chatty - but she was very kind and a good person at heart, which is one of the reasons Mr Knightley reprimanded Emma so severely for ridiculing her in public as she did!

In terms of your chattiness; do you chat only about things that interest you? Do you ask the people to whom you’re chatting questions about themselves?

I feel I overshare but I do love meeting chatty people! My mum is exactly the same. I had to tell her that when someone says "hello, you alright?" They didnt need a long answer about your day, just to same "fine thanks and you?". She genuinely didn't realise!

That's a great, positive understanding of it dayswithaY. Yes, I should see it as a skill. I know I really do like people, and want them to feel at ease. I just need to work on harnessing aspects of it, and directing it in a good way. But, you're right. It is an ability not everyone has. Maybe the world needs us, and the quiet, mysterious types; and everything in between. I should try to start to see it a skill - though in my case it does require a bit of tweaking!

In the car the other day I managed to not talk to dh for a whole half hour. He'd pissed me off which is unusual. My not speaking freaked him out

Oh and dh often go away for nights ect and I always make friends. People tell me allsorts.

I'm friends with lots of pub managers staff ect too

That sounded like I have an oh and dh I just meant oh as an exclamation