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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was just weird behaviour from SIL?

142 replies

EmeraldEast · 13/08/2020 11:09

I should say before I start that SIL (DH’s sister) and I have never gotten on. She made it clear from the first time we met that she instantly didn’t like me and has been nothing but hostile ever since (and it’s been 8 years!) Apart from a ‘hello’ when I first see her, she’ll completely ignore me for the rest of the time and will only speak to DH. He has pulled her up on it and asked what her problem is with me but she just denies that there is one.

Anyway, PIL and SIL and her husband and son were around on Sunday for lunch. PIL, DH and I were sat round the table talking. SIL & BIL were showing their son something in the garden, they all came back in and SIL joined in the convo (Probably because I wasn’t really part of the covo, they were talking about DIY on their house) anyway, SIL whilst talking, stands behind DH, puts her arms around his shoulders and starts sort of hugging him. This is so random and DH looked up as if to say ‘who the F is that?!’ She then starts massaging his neck and shoulders whilst talking. He looked a bit surprised at first but then started saying ‘that feels nice actually, my neck’s been killing me all week.’ Neither her husband or her parents said anything or looked surprised.

I felt completely ‘ew’ about it, and pretty much had to stop myself from saying ‘you might as well cock your leg and piss up him.’ She’s 33 years old FFS.

I have 2 brothers and honestly, if I’d have done that in front of either of their wives I know they would’ve been a bit like ‘WTF?’ So would my parents and so would both my brothers come to that.

I mentioned it to my DH after and he said it was a little out of context and not normal for them but it was something and nothing. I said no, it was her marking her territory which is incestuous and weird in siblings in their mid / late 30’s!!

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheAquaticDuchess · 13/08/2020 11:12

YABU to call it incestuous when it’s clearly nothing of the kind, but I expect you’re overreacting because she’s spent years being rude and hostile. She sounds like a total pill and you’re generous to put up with having her over for lunch.

Northernparent68 · 13/08/2020 11:14

Yes it’s weird and frankly disturbing, if I were your sil husband I’d be very concerned.

Northernparent68 · 13/08/2020 11:16

I think it’s fairly incestous, hugging and massaging her brothers shoulders yuck

Bananacloud · 13/08/2020 11:17

Gross people!!

DoctorYang · 13/08/2020 11:17

If it's brand new behaviour, it's a bit weird. If they are usually like that, then it's not weird.

toomanyplants · 13/08/2020 11:18

Incestuous is pretty strong, she sounds vile though, and clearly insecure in your presence that she feels the need to do such a thing!

MsEllany · 13/08/2020 11:19

I would think that odd too as it’s so far from the norm in our family. Clearly it’s new behaviour in yours as well.

What did you husband say about it afterwards?

Oly4 · 13/08/2020 11:20

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s very unlikely to be incestuous!!

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2020 11:20

I think incestuous might be over thinking bit I agree it's a bit dog and lamppost. Not all massages are seedy, she wasn't rubbing his name chest in baby oil. And surely brothers and sisters hug?

Shamoo · 13/08/2020 11:22

That’s not weird at all!!! It’s just a hug. Would you think it weird if a sister did it to a sister? Don’t blame you for really disliking her, which you obviously do - and she sounds unpleasant - but a sister hugging a brother and giving him a bit of a neck massage is not weird.

MorganKitten · 13/08/2020 11:22

It’s not Incestuous. Maybe odd but definitely not Incestuous.

FlySheMust · 13/08/2020 11:22

YABU. Very. Siblings hug.

problembottom · 13/08/2020 11:26

She's hugging him to wind you up and it's worked. I'd be more focussed on what you actually can do about your SIL and that involves your DH. If my SIL was rude to me I wouldn't be inviting her round - nor going to see her - until she found her manners.

You shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home and your DH shouldn't be facilitating it. I'd be making him bloody uncomfortable about it!

Kreacheriscleaning · 13/08/2020 11:28

I leant hugged my brother in a similar way yesterday. It was accompanied by the greeting ‘alright, shit head’.
My dad will often ask me to rub a sore on patch in his shoulders as mum has arthritis in her hands so can’t do it for him.
Neither acts are weird or incestuous and yabu for suggesting it.
However, if it is new behaviour and they are not usually tactile it does come across as strange and like she is marking her place.

LakieLady · 13/08/2020 11:31

It's a bit odd, imo, and a neck rub certainly isn't the same as a hug.

Tbh, OP, I'm very impressed that you give house room to a woman who is so rude to you. I bloody wouldn't.

One of DP's BILs is a vile, bullying racist who has been really verbally abusive to me in the past. Consequently, he and DP's DSis have never been invited here, and never will be, at least not while there's a breath in my body.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/08/2020 11:31

I would find that weird. Obviously you don't need to worry about it, but if that's not the way they usually behave, it's weird.

HouchinBawbags · 13/08/2020 11:33

Sorry, I had to share this!

Original poster
EmeraldEast · 13/08/2020 11:34

Oh come on, I realise it’s not actual incest for god’s sake. It’s just a term that is used when families are overly close/ familiar with each other. I obviously didn’t mean it in a literal sense.

Well DH and I have been together 8 years and him and SIL will hug each other hello and goodbye but I’ve never seen that before. It was so random and out of context, I think that’s the thing. For them to suddenly game back in the room and for her to randomly start doing it was just completely odd. It honestly wouldn’t occur to me to go and hug my brother randomly from behind (when I’d already hugged him hello a couple of hours previous) and to start randomly massaging his neck and shoulders. I’m sorry but I do find it odd.

OP posts:
NewnameNelly · 13/08/2020 11:36

This made me laugh! I don't think it's incestuous, but it is definitely a territory thing. I had DH mum do something similar walk up hug him whilst I was talking to him and say in a jokey (not jokey) way 'your my baby, (looking at me in the eye) you will never take my baby boy away from his mum haha' both me and DH were like erm okay. I don't talk to her now and she's a total drama queen manipulator and now I sit back and laugh when I hear of all the problems she creates and I'm so glad I'm not in it. Let your DH have a relationship with her and stop putting her with her bitchy behaviour, have some backbone OP! Being ignored in your own home is frankly disgusting! Forget the creepy hug for a moment, she sees you as an absolute walk over and is trying to push your buttons. Tell your DH she's not coming over and if he wants to see her he can go to hers without you.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2020 11:37

It's a little strange but I think you're being totally weird to bring incest into it Confused

I think it's you who's doing the leg pissing tbh.

HouchinBawbags · 13/08/2020 11:37

It is odd. I find it crazy that you would even have her in your house too. Get her told OP!

The only way my DH's sister has physical contact with him is to stick a wet finger in his ear or some other gross sibling nonsense.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2020 11:40

Oh come on, I realise it’s not actual incest for god’s sake. It’s just a term that is used when families are overly close/ familiar with each other. I obviously didn’t mean it in a literal sense.

Yeah fair enough but you also said...

"I have 2 brothers and honestly, if I’d have done that in front of either of their wives I know they would’ve been a bit like ‘WTF?’"

Rather than just "It'd be weird if I did that"

ZaphodBeeblerox · 13/08/2020 11:44

Hmm - depends on context. I'm in my 30s, and my dad, mum, sister and I would all give each other back / shoulder / head massages while sitting up, we often all lie down on the same bed to chat. We've always been a touch-heavy family, and it doesn't feel weird. But we're not English, and perhaps it's not socially acceptable here? But I don't have any brothers so I can't imagine how it would feel - but a brother I grew up with whose nappies I'd changed? I can't imagine it's all that weird. BUT, it isn't new behaviour.
OTOH My husband has a brother and I think the only times I've seen them hug was at their father's funeral. Otherwise a hearty handshake will do for most things. I don't think I've seen my BIL and SIL even hold hands in all these years. So all sorts of families exist - it's only about whether it's out of the blue (weird) or has always been this way (not that weird).

BacklashStarts · 13/08/2020 11:48

I agree with dh, you’re reading waaaaay to much into this. You think/know she doesn’t like you (and vice versa) and are looking for evidence. Your whole post is v paranoid.

Rewis · 13/08/2020 11:48

Ehm....now I'm worried that me and my siblings have somewhat disturbing relationship