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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was just weird behaviour from SIL?

142 replies

EmeraldEast · 13/08/2020 11:09

I should say before I start that SIL (DH’s sister) and I have never gotten on. She made it clear from the first time we met that she instantly didn’t like me and has been nothing but hostile ever since (and it’s been 8 years!) Apart from a ‘hello’ when I first see her, she’ll completely ignore me for the rest of the time and will only speak to DH. He has pulled her up on it and asked what her problem is with me but she just denies that there is one.

Anyway, PIL and SIL and her husband and son were around on Sunday for lunch. PIL, DH and I were sat round the table talking. SIL & BIL were showing their son something in the garden, they all came back in and SIL joined in the convo (Probably because I wasn’t really part of the covo, they were talking about DIY on their house) anyway, SIL whilst talking, stands behind DH, puts her arms around his shoulders and starts sort of hugging him. This is so random and DH looked up as if to say ‘who the F is that?!’ She then starts massaging his neck and shoulders whilst talking. He looked a bit surprised at first but then started saying ‘that feels nice actually, my neck’s been killing me all week.’ Neither her husband or her parents said anything or looked surprised.

I felt completely ‘ew’ about it, and pretty much had to stop myself from saying ‘you might as well cock your leg and piss up him.’ She’s 33 years old FFS.

I have 2 brothers and honestly, if I’d have done that in front of either of their wives I know they would’ve been a bit like ‘WTF?’ So would my parents and so would both my brothers come to that.

I mentioned it to my DH after and he said it was a little out of context and not normal for them but it was something and nothing. I said no, it was her marking her territory which is incestuous and weird in siblings in their mid / late 30’s!!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 13/08/2020 11:52

I have been known to massage my brothers' shoulders (as has my DS) , but mostly for a bit of a laugh or because they looked to be in pain. No-one seemed to think it was weird.

Legallybleachblonde · 13/08/2020 11:55

I think it all depends on whether it is normal behaviour for them and in the context of OP's post, it doesnt sound like it is. So my opinion is she did it deliberately to (a) mark territory and (b) to piss you off. But, I wouldn't stew over it too much because I think if you say something, the fall out could bemassive and potentially damage your relationship with DH. I'm with you OP but I would think bigger picture and ignore her.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 13/08/2020 11:56

She touched her brothers shoulders and that makes her an incest lover?

Op- you're off your head with this one.

Maybe83 · 13/08/2020 12:00

I think your reaction is much stranger to be honest.

AbbieFB · 13/08/2020 12:03

It’s odd but I think your reaction to it is odd too!

Fallsballs · 13/08/2020 12:06

Why do you invite her for lunch if you dislike her and she doesn't interact with you ?

ODFOkaren · 13/08/2020 12:07

It would be odd to me - I cannot imagine Dh sister doing that. He’d be telling her to get off him, but they don’t have a touchy feely relationship.

I wouldn’t liken it to incest though Confused

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 13/08/2020 12:08

odd if it's new behaviour

was it a socially distanced massage Grin

LillianBland · 13/08/2020 12:09

It just reminded me of this. 😁

But I do think, if she’s never done it before, then she was marking her territory. She sounds sneaky and nasty.

OneForMeToo · 13/08/2020 12:10

It was definitely a marking her territory thing since it’s something brand new and in the context of hating you. My dh and sil never hug apart from once for a family photo her put his arm around her and swore at her Grin then did a non swear photo for his parents to keep. If she suddenly started being all huggy I’d be a bit like is your sister ok? Like has she hit her head..

forrestgreen · 13/08/2020 12:12

Weird but it was done to annoy you, and you let her get to you. Tbh I wouldn't be inviting someone to my house and cooking for them if they ignored me.
I'd invite them one more time, prime dh to pay attention to your conversations, ask her questions, join in her conversation etc. Get dh to see how she treats you. And then she'd be banned from my house. You can't dictate what happens at other people's houses etc, but I'd be happy to annoy her like that.

Gogogadgetarms · 13/08/2020 12:17

I’m assuming you’re not in England OP because of CV and SD.
If however you are in England I would have asked her to keep her distance for that reason alone.
And yes, it is weird. Who massages their brother? From behind? Without invitation or discussion? Gross.

starfishmummy · 13/08/2020 12:17

It’s just a term that is used when families are overly close/ familiar with each other. I obviously didn’t mean it in a literal sense.

Really? I have never used or heard it used in that way. I suspect I'm not the only one

nicky7654 · 13/08/2020 12:19

The Bitch was marking her territory!! She should never be invited back and quite frankly I would be angry my husband hasn't stood up for me

dwiz8 · 13/08/2020 12:20

Yabu to call it incestuous - some families are touchy feely and that's fine. I do the same for my brother, and he for me, he also gives me a foot rub every now and again as DH refuses to touch them Blush

Since it's not normal for them she is clearly being territorial, not sure why you have her round your home when she is a poo though

AryaStarkWolf · 13/08/2020 12:22

Rubbing someones shoulders is hardly "overly close" fgs

Lumene · 13/08/2020 12:22

Seems fine to hug your brother to me. Maybe you had to be there?

Palavah · 13/08/2020 12:23

You're massively overreacting. There is nothing weird about siblings hugging. I also don't think there's anything particularly weird about a sibling giving a neck and shoulder massage.

It sounds as though you are (rightly) aggrieved at the way your SIL has behaved towards you and so you're looking for other ways to find fault.

So your DH asked his sister why she was blanking you, she claimed there was nothing wrong and he left it at that? Must be frustrating and disappointing.

FatBottomedGurl · 13/08/2020 12:25

She did it to get a rise out of you and it worked. Its been 8 years and your tactic of remaining civil to your SIL is clearly not working.

Personally, I would begin publicly calling her out every time she is rude.
If you say hello and she ignores you: "Did you not hear me speaking to you?".
If she just blatantly ignores you altogether: "Is there an issue, you seem to be ignoring me for some reason for the last 8 years ?"
If she "massages" your husband: "That's a bit of a strange thing to do. I've never seen you do that before to DH. What brought that on, exactly?"

If you're unwilling/unable to pointedly deal with the issue, I would simply refuse to be anywhere that she is. Its been 8 years, deal with the issue or get her out your life.

The fact your husband tolerates this behaviour to his wife is, quite frankly, appalling and a bigger issue

HopelessSemantics · 13/08/2020 12:28

I mean, if she was that rude, I wouldn't invite her to my house anyway or go to hers.

My husband's family are way more touchy feely than mine and I don't like it at all but to call it incestuous is really over the top.

dontdisturbmenow · 13/08/2020 12:31

Because you wouldn't do it to.tkyr brother doesn't make it odd at all.

I do agree though that she most likely did it to wind you up and boy did it work!

starskey80 · 13/08/2020 12:35

Ewwe, that's so weird, I've two brothers and we would never touch each like that, ever.
Rarely hug even, and we get on and are very close.

You are not being unreasonable to find it weird. I wouldn't go on too much about it though, what's the point.
She's a weirdo, leave her to it.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/08/2020 12:37

I wouldn't invite someone who ignored me to lunch. why did you invite her? Does she ignore you IN YOUR OWN HOME? What does she say when you put the food in front of her?

Original poster
EmeraldEast · 13/08/2020 12:37

Oh for goodness sake, I’ve already said I didn’t mean LITERALLY incestuous, out of my whole post, people are just picking up on 1 word?!

Okay POOR CHOICE OF WORD, ignore ‘incestuous’ if it’s THAT much of a problem to people Hmm

I guess if I was sat down and one of my brothers randomly came over, hugged me from behind and started massaging my neck and shoulders, I would feel weird and tell him to get off. I appreciate my brothers and I aren’t touchy feely so it would be out of context for our relationship, but I would still find it odd. It’s was like she was trying to create a private moment between them in a room full of other people and I find that odd. Conversely, DH and I regularly give each other massages and I know 1 of my brothers does with his wife. I just feel PERSONALLY that it’s quite an intimate thing to do and I wouldn’t really want to be doing it to my sibling unless they’d specifically asked.

Re her coming into my home, I didn’t want it, they actually all live 2 hours away and stayed for the weekend. I’ve told DH after how rude she was to me this weekend, that’s it, I won’t be hosting her again and he can damn we tell her why if she asks.

OP posts:
HopelessSemantics · 13/08/2020 12:38

Gosh OP if you don't want people to react to words you use, don't use them.

Starting to understand the SILs point of view tbh.