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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was just weird behaviour from SIL?

142 replies

EmeraldEast · 13/08/2020 11:09

I should say before I start that SIL (DH’s sister) and I have never gotten on. She made it clear from the first time we met that she instantly didn’t like me and has been nothing but hostile ever since (and it’s been 8 years!) Apart from a ‘hello’ when I first see her, she’ll completely ignore me for the rest of the time and will only speak to DH. He has pulled her up on it and asked what her problem is with me but she just denies that there is one.

Anyway, PIL and SIL and her husband and son were around on Sunday for lunch. PIL, DH and I were sat round the table talking. SIL & BIL were showing their son something in the garden, they all came back in and SIL joined in the convo (Probably because I wasn’t really part of the covo, they were talking about DIY on their house) anyway, SIL whilst talking, stands behind DH, puts her arms around his shoulders and starts sort of hugging him. This is so random and DH looked up as if to say ‘who the F is that?!’ She then starts massaging his neck and shoulders whilst talking. He looked a bit surprised at first but then started saying ‘that feels nice actually, my neck’s been killing me all week.’ Neither her husband or her parents said anything or looked surprised.

I felt completely ‘ew’ about it, and pretty much had to stop myself from saying ‘you might as well cock your leg and piss up him.’ She’s 33 years old FFS.

I have 2 brothers and honestly, if I’d have done that in front of either of their wives I know they would’ve been a bit like ‘WTF?’ So would my parents and so would both my brothers come to that.

I mentioned it to my DH after and he said it was a little out of context and not normal for them but it was something and nothing. I said no, it was her marking her territory which is incestuous and weird in siblings in their mid / late 30’s!!

AIBU?

OP posts:

mintich · 13/08/2020 13:12

My SIL acted like this for the first year I was with my DH. Constantly touching him, rubbing his back etc. The fact that she stopped it shows that it was indeed for my benefit!

WellThisWentWell · 13/08/2020 13:13

I’m an only child, so maybe that’s why i don’t get this post at all?
One can’t give her brother (at least not after turning 30) a neck massage?

Anyway, YABU.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 13/08/2020 13:14

I'm totally with you OP. She's been a bitch to you for 8 years and you've been very tolerant. I absolutely agree with you to not have her in your home again. I've done this with my own sister. She's very controlling and the rest of the family put up with her, as I have done all my life frankly. The final straw was last October when she blanked me in my own home when I was hosting family from overseas. I've gone NC with her and do not regret it. I've heard through the family grapevine that she doesn't know what MY problem is
Stick to your guns OP. She has to learn that poor behaviour has consequences.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 13/08/2020 13:16

I like that approach @zingally

TimelyManor · 13/08/2020 13:16

She then does that on Sunday, the whole time whilst staring at me and it was fucking weird and Uncomfortable, I’m sorry but it was.

She wants to make you jealous of her relationship with her brother.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/08/2020 13:18

She just won’t look at or speak to me, she never has. If we’re unlucky enough to be left alone in a room together, I’ll open my mouth to make convo and she’ll immediately get up and walk out before I have a chance.

Oh for fuck's sake.

If this had happened with my DH - there's no way he'd still be in touch. At all. Seriously.

Does he realise that she's not just beign totally insulting and rude to you, but to him? That what she's saying is - I don't approve of your choice of partner, and because I feel somehow superior to you and know you won't pull me up on it, I'm going to show my disapproval and put down and disregard your new 'family' set up, your choices, every time I see you.

My DH would be LIVID if his sister thought she could get away with treatign him like that. How fucking patronising.

And yes, now pissing on your territory by making a frankly inappropriate show of herself?

I'd be telling DH that not only am i done, I now expect some show of loyalty and would expect him to be done too.

I wouldn't want my kids around her. No way would I be prepared to see myself sidelined in family gatherings, no doubt with her deciding another great way to snub you would be to play mega-auntie.

Time to put your foot down. And yes, that includes DH explaining to his parents exactly what's gone on all this time and how, after trying very hard for 8 years, her goose is now firmly cooked. Separate gatherings with PIL. No contact.

If you're gonig to build a family with him, this dynamic can't be allowed to stand - so she has to go.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/08/2020 13:25

If they weren't separated I'd think we shared a SIL!

DHs DB had a wife referred to, over the last 30 years, as PoisonousSIL. Apart from all the usual starng, clipped tones, lack of conversation, her best bits were:

Christmas gifts: the free gift of plastic jewellery you get with your first catalogue order (with labels explaining that still attached)

Birthday present: a huge, square, long sleeved, polo knecked, leapard print, polyester top. Not sure which part of any ofit she thought were my kind of clothing.

Behaviour: she would regularly hug DH for quite a while, look over his shoulder and smirk at me in a propriatorial manner. I never once rose to it, DH didn't react, just thought she was being odd. A friend once called her on it in a crowded pub "Oi Poisonous! What on Earth are you doing? Looks like you're trying to hump him, make Curious jealous or something?" it never happened again

Her family behaviour - and I swear this is true but nobody ever believes me. Even BIL remembers it and was stunned into utter silence by it at the time: Jst before they got married we all met their priest (SILs family are Catholic). Her mum introduced my DH as "the brother she should be marrying". The priest hesitated, looked at me, DH and BIL, shook DHs hand and muttered something nobody heard. SIL and her mum carrried on nodding and smiling as though nothing odd had just happened to stun the rest of the room into immobile silence.

There was much more. But we stopped thinking about it after the priest. It wasn't worth trying to understand it!

IntermittentParps · 13/08/2020 13:35

WellThisWentWell, are you deliberately ignoring the context? Or not understanding it? The neck massage is one of many behaviours based around ignoring or insulting the OP.

Thisismytimetoshine · 13/08/2020 13:37

Jesus yes, I'd be completely weirded out by that.

Thisismytimetoshine · 13/08/2020 13:39

Put it this way, I wouldn't stand there massaging DH's neck myself when he was in a conversation with a group of other people.

MilerVino · 13/08/2020 13:39

Friends' handy guide to when brother-sister relationships are a bit too intense

I get where you're coming from OP. I wouldn't like it. I hug my brother but massage, to me, is much more intimate and I wouldn't touch him in that way. It's weird behaviour IMO. She's marking her territory and when people are unable to accept that their siblings have other adult relationships I do think you're venturing into dubious territory.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 13/08/2020 13:40

I felt completely ‘ew’ about it, and pretty much had to stop myself from saying ‘you might as well cock your leg and piss up him.’ She’s 33 years old FFS.

She gave her brother a neck massage..... she's hardly trying to shag him! Also, it's either weird or not - it's not more weird specifically because you were there.

I'm another one who thinks it's you who's doing the leg pissing tbh. She's his sister, you're not in competition with her. Maybe she doesn't like you because you are so territorial with her brother?

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 13/08/2020 13:43

The difference here is that it was't your DH's sister doing the hugging - it was his SIL, which is a very different relationship. I might hug my brother at random, but I wouldn't hug my BIL except when saying hello/goodbye.

This is the bloke's sister we are talking about.

TitsOutForHarambe · 13/08/2020 13:44

I completely agree OP, it's fucking weird and I don't get why so many people aren't seeing that

Original poster

EmeraldEast · 13/08/2020 13:45

If I was territorial over him, I wouldn’t have put up with her shit for so long. I don’t ever try and stop him from having a relationship with her, in fact I actively encourage him to be a prominent figure in his sister and nephew’s life. I’d also be territorial over my own brothers which I’m not at all. I’m really not territorial but as his wife, deserve some respect and I’ve never recieved that. The fact she stared me out whilst doing it makes me think it was her marking her territory and I just find that totally unnecessary

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 13/08/2020 13:48

Seriously - do you want to stay with him? Start a family? Then tell him you won't have her shit in your life any more. And if he wants his life to be part of your life, that means - she goes.

Now, before you marry or have kids.

GabsAlot · 13/08/2020 13:52

does your brother not tell her how rude she is not conversing wsith you i yur own home

i think thats more of a prblem-youre right she was trying to wind you up i dont think its weird in normal context but she never usually does it and staring at you is creepy

Motoko · 13/08/2020 13:53

Ugh, she's one of those women who thinks your DH belongs to her. Whatever woman he ended up marrying would be subject to this treatment, because she wants to be the only woman in his life. There is something incestuous about her. She was definitely marking her territory.

Put a stop to her coming to your house. You've tried for 8 years, time to stop flogging a dead horse, she's never going to change.

Motoko · 13/08/2020 13:56

in fact I actively encourage him to be a prominent figure in his sister and nephew’s life.

I'd stop that too.

SerenDippitty · 13/08/2020 13:57

I wouldn't do that to my DB to be honest. I haven't even hugged him since social distancing started.

Lipz · 13/08/2020 14:05

I think you are all weird..

You for entertaining someone who treats you as you describe. Then for getting jealous of her rubbing her brother's shoulders.

Her for rubbing her brother's shoulders and eyeing you while doing it.

And you dh for actually enjoying it.

PablosHoney · 13/08/2020 14:09

Oh for goodness sake 😂😂😂 If her husband was going to shag his own sister I’m sure he would’ve already 😉 ‘enjoying it’ you sick puppy

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 13/08/2020 14:11

@Motoko

in fact I actively encourage him to be a prominent figure in his sister and nephew’s life.

I'd stop that too.

Really? You think her DH should be discouraged from building a relationship with his nephew?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 13/08/2020 14:14

I think people are focusing too much on the unfortunate use of the word incest, rather than her out of character behaviour.
If it's unusual like you say, she's evidently done it to wind you up.
Rather sad after all this time that she feels such hostility. Had something happened lately that would make her want to up her game in the passive aggressive stakes?

sst1234 · 13/08/2020 14:15

OP, putting aside for a second that she doesn’t like you, your own thoughts are disturbing and frankly in the lowest depth of the gutter.

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