Page 3 | To think this was just weird behaviour from SIL?

YgritteSnow · 13/08/2020 12:39

I don't think it's "incestuous"

It sounds very much like she was staking her claim to her relationship with her brother though. She doesn't like you and seems to be saying but he is my brother and nothing can change that!

Whatever it is, she certainly sounds most unpleasant.

Knocka · 13/08/2020 12:39

I agree with a pp that you're the one doing the territorial marking. Your SIL doesn't like you and you don't like her, which isn't wildly unusual, as you are only in one another's life because of who you happened to marry. But it's probably best all round if you don't designate your DH as the territory to be fought over.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/08/2020 12:39

Did she thank you for having her? What did she say when you put food in front of her? Did she bring a contribution with her?

Nottherealslimshady · 13/08/2020 12:41

It's really weird. Especially that it's never happened before. Maybe she was a bit distracted and wasnt really thinking then just had to follow it through? I would never massage my brothers shoulders. And I'd find it very weird if BIL did it to DH. Or if one of my siblings did it to me.

YgritteSnow · 13/08/2020 12:41

Sorry cross posted with your disclaimer post

Strokethefurrywall · 13/08/2020 12:41

The weirdest thing in all of this is why you would have an openly hostile person in your home?!

If someone doesn't like me and ignores me, they wouldn't be welcome. Fuck that for a game of mugs.

Mumoftwo1994 · 13/08/2020 12:42

@EmeraldEast

I should say before I start that SIL (DH’s sister) and I have never gotten on. She made it clear from the first time we met that she instantly didn’t like me and has been nothing but hostile ever since (and it’s been 8 years!) Apart from a ‘hello’ when I first see her, she’ll completely ignore me for the rest of the time and will only speak to DH. He has pulled her up on it and asked what her problem is with me but she just denies that there is one.

Anyway, PIL and SIL and her husband and son were around on Sunday for lunch. PIL, DH and I were sat round the table talking. SIL & BIL were showing their son something in the garden, they all came back in and SIL joined in the convo (Probably because I wasn’t really part of the covo, they were talking about DIY on their house) anyway, SIL whilst talking, stands behind DH, puts her arms around his shoulders and starts sort of hugging him. This is so random and DH looked up as if to say ‘who the F is that?!’ She then starts massaging his neck and shoulders whilst talking. He looked a bit surprised at first but then started saying ‘that feels nice actually, my neck’s been killing me all week.’ Neither her husband or her parents said anything or looked surprised.

I felt completely ‘ew’ about it, and pretty much had to stop myself from saying ‘you might as well cock your leg and piss up him.’ She’s 33 years old FFS.

I have 2 brothers and honestly, if I’d have done that in front of either of their wives I know they would’ve been a bit like ‘WTF?’ So would my parents and so would both my brothers come to that.

I mentioned it to my DH after and he said it was a little out of context and not normal for them but it was something and nothing. I said no, it was her marking her territory which is incestuous and weird in siblings in their mid / late 30’s!!

AIBU?

First off, she sounds like a bitch and in regards to the hug it's abit odd to do it from behind that for me is an intimate act but perhaps that's just me, and then the massage to me is massively creepy. I mean obviously there's nothing happening but I agree that it's incredibly inappropriate and I wouldn't have her round again if that's possible.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 12:43

Its fucking weird. Im not like that with my brother at all we have no physical contact whatsoever, it would just gross the pair of us out. I do have a brief hug with my parents and kiss my Mum on the cheek.
But all families are different- if you come from touchy feely family thats fine im not calling you weird. Just that it feels weird to me.

Anyway. Regardless of this, why is she in your house if she says literally nothing to you other than hello?

Prig · 13/08/2020 12:44

YADNBU

Original poster

EmeraldEast · 13/08/2020 12:48

We went out for a meal on the Saturday night and i cooked on the Sunday. She said thank you, in a very begrudging, clipped tone.

She just won’t look at or speak to me, she never has. If we’re unlucky enough to be left alone in a room together, I’ll open my mouth to make convo and she’ll immediately get up and walk out before I have a chance.

The first time we met, other than hello she didn’t say another word to me, didn’t ask anything about me or try to get to know me at all. Just shot me hostile looks occasionally. I didn’t think anything of it but then it continued in the same vein the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time. I eventually started making conversation with her, asking about her work, her child, what she’d been up to etc. Again, she’d begrudgingly answer me but that’s it, nothing back. Every time my brother’s have brought GF’s back over the years I’ve ALWAYS been friendly and tried to get to know them, so I've never understood her stance.

She then does that on Sunday, the whole time whilst staring at me and it was fucking weird and Uncomfortable, I’m sorry but it was.

OP posts:

MsEllany · 13/08/2020 12:51

I’m with you OP, this thread is totally Mad Mumsnet.

It’s weird because it’s not something they do normally. If others do in their family, it’s not weird. Not sure why people are seemingly taking offence when the situation doesn’t apply to them.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 12:51

Have you never asked her outright what her problem is?
Stop dancing around her trying to make polite conversation and just a) ask her what her problem is b) tell her if she doesnt get a grip and start being more pleasant she wont step foot in your home again.

Why has DH never had a word with her to be a bit nicer? Has he ever given justification for her rudeness?

My family can be a bit blunt, but not in an unfriendly way, but i wouldnt expect a partner to have to put up with frosty behaviour.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 12:53

I’ll open my mouth to make convo and she’ll immediately get up and walk out before I have a chance.

Direct her to the front door then. If someone blanked me in my own home theyd be thrown out.

Smiliboo · 13/08/2020 12:53

I think your over reacting.
You know he's your husband, he knows that, she's his sister.
Ya'll should probably try and get on 🙄

Ardsallagh · 13/08/2020 12:53

I think you should escalate things, OP. Give her husband a lapdance over Sunday lunch next time they come over. Then spray him with your perfume.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 12:56

Ya'll should probably try and get on 🙄

OP has tried though??????? Did u not get that bit?

RoseTintedAtuin · 13/08/2020 12:57

You don’t like her and she doesn’t like you, that’s fair enough. But all siblings have a fundamental connection with each other and if they get on likely provide and require support from each other. They feel comfortable around each other and hugging and massage is a way of providing support and strengthening that connection. She did it in a room full of people... sounds like a very platonic normal thing to do... not really sure what is inappropriate about it?
Sounds like you had a possessive moment where you didn’t want them to have that close a relationship but I would suggest this is your issue not theirs and by getting in the way you are taking something very special away from your DH which would be a real shame.

Smiliboo · 13/08/2020 12:57

Maybe she's an insecure introvert.
You should probably outright ask her yourself instead of getting your dh to ask her.

BendyWendy18 · 13/08/2020 13:01

YABU, you sound very possessive of your husband. He's also her sibling, siblings hug at any age.

1forAll74 · 13/08/2020 13:03

If you have made the effort to have the family over for lunch, SIL as well, why can't you try and be more friendly all together, you know, like overide your thoughts of her not liking you for years, and be the bigger person. I just couldn't be doing a family get together, with some people who don't like each other.

Not sure about the Husband hug thing, some people do these things.Or maybe she had drunk too much wine !

Palavah · 13/08/2020 13:04

Re her coming into my home, I didn’t want it, they actually all live 2 hours away and stayed for the weekend.

How did she end up in your house? If someone was blanking me like that they wouldnt be crossing the threshold.

IntermittentParps · 13/08/2020 13:05

Well, I don't think her hugging/massaging your DH/her brother is weird per se (it's not AT ALL how my family behave, but I know plenty of people for whom being touchy-feely with family is absolutely normal).

But as it's new behaviour and she stared you out the whole time, I'd say that yes it's territorial and yes it's rude.

The real issue IMO though is her ongoing behaviour and more to the point why you keep putting up with it. I'd have never had her in my house again (much less staying over!) after the first time she got up and walked out of the room when I tried to make conversation. That's just fucking outrageous.

Refuse to have her over again and tell her why. Well, I guess you'll need to tell your DH or your MIL, as she doesn't speak to you.

Mittens030869 · 13/08/2020 13:07

I wouldn't be comfortable about this, but that's because I really did go through incest as a child. My DSis and I were sexually abused by my F and my DB was groomed to join in (he was abused as well).

So calling this incest does grate, as it's nothing of the kind. I wouldn't like it, as I said, but I would give my head a wobble, knowing it's my issue.

She sounds like a bitch, though, having said that.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 13/08/2020 13:08

There’s a massive gulf between normal physical affection between siblings and incest and from the way you describe this it’s ridiculous to suggest it in anyway bridged that gulf.

However as a piece of jealous territory marking (he’s your husband now but he was my brother first!‘ this sounds very effective. It certainly got to you in a way her previous rudeness and passive-aggressive behaviours haven’t.

If you possibly can, blank and move on. Don’t let her problem with you become a problem for you and your husband That’s probably what she’s hoping for. Just be gracious and polite to the point of frostiness . Don’t give her any head space.

zingally · 13/08/2020 13:08

She was doing it to wind you up - and it worked.

Ignore her. Stop trying. Be polite and speak when spoken to, but forget about making any sort of effort.

Put her in the mental box of "people I give zero shits about". Once you give up on even "trying" with some people, it can be sooooo freeing and lifts a load off your shoulders.

I did it with a work colleague some years ago. I tried so hard to be nice, but she constantly threw it back at me with rude behaviour. In the end I put in her a mental box of "does not exist". I stopped acknowledging her existence completely. If I walked into a room with just her in, I'd consider the room empty. If I had to speak to her on a work-related topic, of course I would. But any social interactions were non-existent. In terms of my mental health, it was one of the best, most freeing things I ever did. I tried my hardest with her, and then stopped trying. I'd really recommend it!