To think this was just weird behaviour from SIL?

[EmeraldEast]

I should say before I start that SIL (DH’s sister) and I have never gotten on. She made it clear from the first time we met that she instantly didn’t like me and has been nothing but hostile ever since (and it’s been 8 years!) Apart from a ‘hello’ when I first see her, she’ll completely ignore me for the rest of the time and will only speak to DH. He has pulled her up on it and asked what her problem is with me but she just denies that there is one.

Anyway, PIL and SIL and her husband and son were around on Sunday for lunch. PIL, DH and I were sat round the table talking. SIL & BIL were showing their son something in the garden, they all came back in and SIL joined in the convo (Probably because I wasn’t really part of the covo, they were talking about DIY on their house) anyway, SIL whilst talking, stands behind DH, puts her arms around his shoulders and starts sort of hugging him. This is so random and DH looked up as if to say ‘who the F is that?!’ She then starts massaging his neck and shoulders whilst talking. He looked a bit surprised at first but then started saying ‘that feels nice actually, my neck’s been killing me all week.’ Neither her husband or her parents said anything or looked surprised.

I felt completely ‘ew’ about it, and pretty much had to stop myself from saying ‘you might as well cock your leg and piss up him.’ She’s 33 years old FFS.

I have 2 brothers and honestly, if I’d have done that in front of either of their wives I know they would’ve been a bit like ‘WTF?’ So would my parents and so would both my brothers come to that.

I mentioned it to my DH after and he said it was a little out of context and not normal for them but it was something and nothing. I said no, it was her marking her territory which is incestuous and weird in siblings in their mid / late 30’s!!

AIBU?

It's fucking weird 😐

This is so random and DH looked up as if to say ‘who the F is that?!’ She then starts massaging his neck and shoulders whilst talking. He looked a bit surprised at first but then started saying ‘that feels nice actually, my neck’s been killing me all week.’
He knew it was 'ewww' but chose to cover up the ickness of it all.

Seems like his whole family - including him - think your feelings don't matter.
I wouldn't have SIL in my home if she'd spent 8 years ignoring me.....

I get you OP.

I have a friend who is like this with her brother. Both married with kids but still call their 'original' family their real family. Huggy, hand holding, regular proclamations of love. I certainly don't think there is anything more to it but it is so weird to me. But then, the last time I touched my brother was probably when we were both single figures and it was probably violent so I'm weird too.

Be difficult as the spouse, especially as your DH doesn't seem to have your back and entertains her rudeness. I'd never let my DH be made to feel like that. Why does he tolerate it?

@FizzyGreenWater

She just won’t look at or speak to me, she never has. If we’re unlucky enough to be left alone in a room together, I’ll open my mouth to make convo and she’ll immediately get up and walk out before I have a chance.

Oh for fuck's sake.

If this had happened with my DH - there's no way he'd still be in touch. At all. Seriously.

Does he realise that she's not just beign totally insulting and rude to you, but to him? That what she's saying is - I don't approve of your choice of partner, and because I feel somehow superior to you and know you won't pull me up on it, I'm going to show my disapproval and put down and disregard your new 'family' set up, your choices, every time I see you.

My DH would be LIVID if his sister thought she could get away with treatign him like that. How fucking patronising.

And yes, now pissing on your territory by making a frankly inappropriate show of herself?

I'd be telling DH that not only am i done, I now expect some show of loyalty and would expect him to be done too.

I wouldn't want my kids around her. No way would I be prepared to see myself sidelined in family gatherings, no doubt with her deciding another great way to snub you would be to play mega-auntie.

Time to put your foot down. And yes, that includes DH explaining to his parents exactly what's gone on all this time and how, after trying very hard for 8 years, her goose is now firmly cooked. Separate gatherings with PIL. No contact.

If you're gonig to build a family with him, this dynamic can't be allowed to stand - so she has to go.

I agree with this, actually.

That hug and massage was deliberately done with the intention of marking her territory. Especially as OP says SIL was staring at her while doing it.

The Merriam Webster dictionary gives two definitions of incestuous. The second is 'excessively or improperly intimate or exclusive' which IMO pretty accurately describes the SIL's behaviour.

I also didn't read the OP as being literal about "incest", I've known about the above definition of "incestous" as being inmappropriate for a long time.

And this is new behaviour, definitely inappropriate. It doesn't matter that this is DH's sister, hugs between siblings will entirely depend on how their behaviour has been previously.

I have occasional hugs with my DB, but we don't go so far as neck massages, that would be a bit too much.

OP, your DH accepted the massage, and therefore gave SIL the idea that her territory marking worked. Perhaps he can politely disengage next time and show that it's not appropriate.

In fact, I would have a talk with your DH, he can make it clear to his sister that he expects some civility from her to his wife.

@GCHWho your comment is so funny!😂 It is a bit weird especially if it's new behaviour and not their 'thing'. I don't understand how she can be so rude to you for all this time and none of the family, your oh included, says anything. I find that v weird

She is jealous of you.

[quote daisychain1620]@GCHWho your comment is so funny!😂 It is a bit weird especially if it's new behaviour and not their 'thing'. I don't understand how she can be so rude to you for all this time and none of the family, your oh included, says anything. I find that v weird[/quote]
I bet she's the golden child.

My SIL is in her 50s & that's exactly the kind of thing she'll do. She's desperately insecure & can't bare that her brother might prioritise someone ahead of her. It's pathetic.

Imagine coming onto your brother in front of people to get one over on someone. What the fuck. Gross.

(I know twenty people are about to scream at me that it’s not ‘coming on’ - sure you’d think the same if your boss did it.)

I think it's a territorial thing. Has she always had a problem with her brother's partners?

A male friend (who was also my best friend's partner for a while) has a long time female friend who objected to him having a life that didn't include her. It has never appeared romantic or sexual in nature. She was just very possessive and liked to be centre of his attention attention and over-involved in his life. He was originally her brother's friend but got to know her.

He moved to the other side of the country and she followed a few years later; he moved again. She met someone and they settled down for a while. They split and she moved closer to him again. She backs off when she's in relationships or when she's busy. He starts dating then she comes along and interferes. I'd say she's part of the reason why his relationships don't last but he needs to stand up for his partners and not let her be rude to them. He comes across as weak.

DH has some cousins who I get on very well with, but as siblings, they are all incredibly intense with one another, always rubbing one another’s shoulders, holding hands. If you’re talking to one of them, and another comes over, instantly the one who’s talking to you will break off for some earnest eye contact and a hand hold. There’s a slight Flowers in the Attic vibe. So I do know what you mean, I find it slightly weird, but more amusing than anything. It feels a bit performance-like. Next time she comes over, sit in his lap. See how she likes that.

Its a bit much to say incestuous. But it's definitely territorial.

My SIL is like this with her brothers. All us partners laugh about it. She's very much used to being the only girl and the baby and expects to be placed above each of her brothers respective partners.

She has done some funny things in the 12 years ive known her. She openly tells all the partners that she hates which ever one happens to be absent at the time, without realising that we all speak and get along well and tell each other these things she comes out with.

One poor girlfriend of BIL stood no chance. She took an instant dislike to her (mostly as BIL stopped living in SILS pockets all the time when he started his relationship) and did everything in her power to make sure everyone including the poor girlfriend knew she didn't think she was good enough for BIL. This included purposely not inviting her to events or turning up at BILs House on their date nights with various "emergencies". She then accused her of being cruel to BILs children without any evidence whatsoever.

Thankfully she's never taken such an obvious dislike to me. Although she does make the odd remark that she hopes would sting. I just take it that she realises she won't get to me or my DH so can't be bothered trying.

Just see it for what it is. Petty, insecure and pathetic behaviour. You'll be laughing about her soon enough.

Really? You think her DH should be discouraged from building a relationship with his nephew?

That's not what I said.

Your DH shouldn't have to be encouraged to be in his sister's and nephew's lives, leave him to it.

Exactly. Perhaps his "laziness" with his relationship with his sister is because he knows what she's like and is trying to put some distance between them.

@dwiz8

Yabu to call it incestuous - some families are touchy feely and that's fine. I do the same for my brother, and he for me, he also gives me a foot rub every now and again as DH refuses to touch them

Since it's not normal for them she is clearly being territorial, not sure why you have her round your home when she is a poo though

I'm sorry did you just say your brother gives you a foot rub?????

@Miranda15110

Sounds nutty. When I meet weird people like this I like to be extra extra nice to them just to let them know that a) I don't give a shit and b) they end up being shown up for what they are. It's quite funny seeing them freak out without saying anything. Mine in particular were 3 SILs who informed me at my hen party that if their mother was alive there was no way I'd be marrying husband (ex I might add). I replied with something like 'oh dear that's a shame because I thought she sounded lovely'. Week before wedding the daughter of one of them decides she doesn't want to be bridesmaid. 'Oh don't worry I have a stand in, both 10 years and similar size'. I totally didn't care and wouldn't react. Throughout the fairly short marriage lots of nasty little tricks but I just kept being nice to them.

LOVE this! Tips I shall remember going forward, thanks! 👍🏻

"Flowers in the attic vibe"!!

Not sure how inappropriate it is but dont have her in your home if she's rude to you.

My SIL is sometimes off with me, sometimes not. I cba anymore and contact is fairly minimal.

OP, putting aside for a second that she doesn’t like you, your own thoughts are disturbing and frankly in the lowest depth of the gutter.

Lowest depth of the gutter? Hardly. It is weird.