To turn around and go home from holiday?

[Focusanddetermination]

I'm on day one of holiday, just arrived and seriously considering turning around and driving straight home again.

Reasons for going home :

1. I've been hit by a wave of dark depression on way here, I'm crying, feel like I'm in a dark place. I feel so alone, and ugly, and unloved
2. The weather here though at the beach is worse than where we came from, grey to reflect my mood
3. The tide is out, my child doesn't understand, they are just asking over and over for the sea, it's far out
4. The place we've come to I've spent a lot of money on, it doesn't feel worth it, it's more downtrodden that I thought or would be. I don't know what we're going to do here for a week. I could recoup some of the money by leaving straight away before we check in. It would total about £200 with fuel and lost deposit. If we stay ill have spent closer to £1000 on hotel, food in a week

Reasons against going home '

1. I recognise I'm in a dark mood, it could lift, things could get better
2. My child just wants a beach holiday, which this is... Sort of

I can't discuss it with my child, they are too small. They don't understand money or why mummy is crying. They want a happy childhood holiday, this isn't it. They want a happy mummy and I'm not that. I'm so unhappy this is what they will remember.

For context, I do suffer with severe depression, and am seeking treatment but really there isn't much on the NHS.

Going home would be the most awful thing for your child after the nightmare of covid and lockdown, your baby deserves this fun holiday.
My mum was a single parent and always crying and going home from places as soon as we arrived, always curled up in a ball unable to speak. It was awful for her but it scarred me for life and I don't like spending any time with her as an adult, I find it easier not to see her.
I get it, I don't like going on holiday myself, I prefer my home comforts.
But your child needs this holiday, do your best to make this fun for them and just grit your teeth. Its only a week.
Then when you get home go and see your doctor.

Well done OP - hope it picks up for you soon.

You are prob utterly exhausted from all that is going on. Buy flowers for the room, book somewhere nice to eat and try and get lots of sleep. It’s raining everywhere so may as well be somewhere new

I live on the Bristol channel in Somerset the other side of the channel, the tides are unbelievable! i recently took my niece to the sea and we said to each other where is the sea? Made a game of it although shes a bit older. But when it goes out it goes right out.
It is going to be grey all week but that doesn't matter, you can get Macs or plastic ponchos from any shop and still have a lot of fun.
Low tide exposes all the rock pools and it's such fun getting a net and going to look for crabs and other beasties, having an icecream or whatever.
Sometimes you just need to forget your troubles and just relax and let it all go. We went off to watchet and to be honest I found the place a bit depressing, but my niece loved every minute.

You are being really, really kind towards your child, OP, that is so generous of you when you're struggling so much.

I really hope you feel a bit better soon. Saying this with kindness, but please don't overdo it, if you feel able to stay then that's wonderful, and there is a chance that your mood will lift anyway. But if it starts to really feel overwhelming, don't force yourself through it because you feel that if you don't, you're somehow a bad mum, that is absolutely not the case. You're doing an amazing job caring for your child while living with depression, honestly it's not something that people who haven't experienced depression (or living with someone with depression) can truly understand.

I know it's hard to focus on when you're in the middle of a low point, but you know that the clouds will lift, you know that moment will come when things feel bearable again and you can feel some joy again. Just hang on, this will pass.

Well done for reaching out. Most important thing you can do is be kind and compassionate to yourself. You’re done so well to get this far and depression makes everything far harder than it should be so try not to compare yourself with others or dwell on what you think should be, it is what it is, children are VERY resilient as long as they know they’re loved and you’re doing great so make sure you give yourself some love and a pat on the back x

Sending hugs, lovely.
An hour at a time, if you need to. Breathe through it. Can you plan a moment each day to look forward to?

Another taffy here. Let us know where you are and I'm sure we can direct you to some lovely hidden gems. If you don't want to be specific, just tell us how far west or east you are and what sort of things you like and we'll do the rest! For example, if you're east, check tide times and go to llantwit major "beach" - not a sandy one, but when the tide is out, kids love scrambling over the rocks and finding crabs in rock pools and the cliffs are stunningly dramatic and then having a paddle. But if that's not your thing, no one is going to take offence!!

We'll also know which places to avoid - is never go to Barry beach but I'd go to Jackson bay round the corner. It can be that specific and close.

For me, when the dark clouds come, I know I need a nice walk in the forest. That's what calms me down and quiets my demons. Loads of those around as well. The weather might be pants, but the bonus of being in wales is that you can usually find whatever landscape floats your boat within an hours drive, often less.

Give us the nearest town, or the next one along it that would be too obvious, let us know how far you want to drive and what you like and let Mumsnet do the rest!

And give yourself a pat on the back for sticking it out for your child. Keep going and they will only remember the good stuff. Be kind to yourself.

I’m glad you stayed - your child will have a lovely time and the sea air can be a help.

Hope today is easier than yesterday

HI OP
I don't have much in the way of advice but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am to hear how hard it is for you right now and that you are doing so well. I think all of us who've experienced depression will empathise with the feeling of the black cloud enveloping us. Sometimes the dread of what is to come is actually the worst bit as we can feel ourselves heading towards it but don't know how to turn the tide. No pun intended. I have found that reaching out is the first and most important thing to do and you've already done that. So please feel proud and glad that you took that very hard step. You dont have to force yourself to enjoy the holiday, that's impossible to do and makes us feel like we're failing. You just have to be present. Be kind to yourself. Breathe. Reach out again when you need to. And know that it will get better again.

I hope you have a better day -- lack of sleep alone is a killer but hopefully getting out and getting some sea air will help a bit.

PP mentioned they found a vauge daily plan helepd - I found so as well - helped me divide the day up and focus on that bit of the day.

I hope things are a bit easier for you today.

Depending on if you know why you have depression there are charities that offer free counselling.

I have had lot of therapy both NHS and paid for.

The mind wanders and ruminates. Look at an object and concentrate in that consider it fully look at every nook and cranny. It’s a technique to try and bring you back to reality and stop the mind wandering down those dark alleyways.

Avoid alcohol at all costs it’s terrible for your MH especially depression.

I hope you find some peace.

PP's have reminded me of DD's exchange trip with a German school when she was 13. School had knocked themselves out to organise stuff. Highlight of trip? Going to Blackpool for the day, and having fish and chips by the seaside, and the coach breaking down on the way home. Digressing slightly, but same trip, 'our' student. Had tried to do lots of educational/cultural/interesting stuff pretending we're a family who does more of that stuff than we actually do in RL The thing that created most excitement was the trip to the fish pedicure place (popular at the time, and yes, had rung parents for permission). Makes me wonder how many times as an adult I have felt obliged to do the worthy thing, when I really wanted to something else

Good luck sweetheart! You'll be ok.

Great news OP. Now get a fishing net and get out to the rock pools. Catching crabs has never been so much fun!

Someone mentioned buying flowers for the room. Many years ago by accident (birthday followed by travelodge holiday) I ended up with flowers in my room. I couldn't believe how lovely it felt and often now treat myself to a bunch of flowers on holiday.

Also on the theme of what children remember apparently the best bit of an adventure trip with school children in Scotland was that we drove through the ford in the minibus going Really Fast.

I hope you are feeling better about it.