To turn around and go home from holiday?

[Focusanddetermination]

I'm on day one of holiday, just arrived and seriously considering turning around and driving straight home again.

Reasons for going home :

1. I've been hit by a wave of dark depression on way here, I'm crying, feel like I'm in a dark place. I feel so alone, and ugly, and unloved
2. The weather here though at the beach is worse than where we came from, grey to reflect my mood
3. The tide is out, my child doesn't understand, they are just asking over and over for the sea, it's far out
4. The place we've come to I've spent a lot of money on, it doesn't feel worth it, it's more downtrodden that I thought or would be. I don't know what we're going to do here for a week. I could recoup some of the money by leaving straight away before we check in. It would total about £200 with fuel and lost deposit. If we stay ill have spent closer to £1000 on hotel, food in a week

Reasons against going home '

1. I recognise I'm in a dark mood, it could lift, things could get better
2. My child just wants a beach holiday, which this is... Sort of

I can't discuss it with my child, they are too small. They don't understand money or why mummy is crying. They want a happy childhood holiday, this isn't it. They want a happy mummy and I'm not that. I'm so unhappy this is what they will remember.

For context, I do suffer with severe depression, and am seeking treatment but really there isn't much on the NHS.

Your child will remember this- what a great parent you are, even though it is really tough, managing to put your needs/ wants/ problems aside to do it for your child. Hope you get a beautiful sunset- the sound of the sea as the sun goes down is good for the soul.

Morning op! I am so glad you stayed. Do you have a plan for today?

I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly at the moment. We have been on a pebbly beach recently in wellies and woolly jumpers - the kids loved it.... Probably helps that I always had this sort of holiday as a child, I can imagine it would be a bit odd if you're not used to it! Your child is bound to have tantrums or moan sometimes but they would do that if you went home or took them to a five star resort somewhere hot (in fact guaranteed to tantrum then on the plane/because it's too hot/because they don't want suncream etc etc...).
One of my children's favourite things on our UK holiday was a tunnel under a dual carriageway where they liked to run up and down screaming to make it echo....

pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

Have a look at the above suggestion list and see if it helps to calm you.

If you've got a piece of paper and pen, write down all the things that are bothering you and then afterwards write down things that challenge them.

E.g. I think I'm a bad mother. I'm obviously a good mother who is taking their child away on holiday and is anxious that they enjoy it. I often put my child's needs ahead of myself.

Things don't go well for me. I have a child whose life will have an excellent start and we can have fun together.

The hotel is not as nice as I expected. My child doesn't care about the decor and will have a lovely time on the beach, playing in the sand and looking for rockpools even if it's raining.

If you're heart is racing in the night, look for five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell. It can ground you.

Try and have a plan for each day and a bit of a routine. Eg. Get ready, breakfast, go for walk, sit on beach, have lunch, do one new activity, have dinner, read book together, write your list of three things you have enjoyed that day (can be tiny things like when your child smiled).P

You've got this OP.

I hope you stayed. I could have written much of your post earlier this week. but we stayed. .The sun had come out on and off (we have not had a heatwave here) and DD took the opportunity to get in the sea . The place we are staying in is not what I expected but she doesn't care. its not been the best but it's been good in parts.

When I’m experiencing a low mood due to depression it sometimes helps to just focus on the present, getting through the day 15 mins at a time, instead of worrying about how I’ll get through the whole day / week. It helps stop my mind from spiralling.

Good luck OP - you are very brave.
Go to your dr when you get home.
Reading this is the best of Mumsnet - people supporting each other.
Hope you have a magical time.

Poor you, I hope today is better. Do you have a car? I know south Wales really well and can happily recommend some places to go. Feel free to message if you don't want to say where you are.

I’m glad you’ve stayed. Lots of cuddles and some fun things. It’s quite easy to entertain little kids. A walk, collect shells / stones, sandcastles, an icecream.

I'm glad you've decided to stay, it's taken a lot of courage, you're stronger than you thought you were

I’m glad you stayed OP. FWIW, I think it’s incredible that you can be mindful enough to know that it’s the depression, not the situation and that you can muddle along through it. That’s a really important skill, being able to look at it from the outside.

I hope you have a good day and yes to a PP that asked if you had a plan. A loose timetable really helped me (and still does.)

South Wales covers a large area if you could be a little more specific via dm if needed could give you some ideas of things to do local x

OP I really feel for you. I've been where you are too, as have many. If you can, ask if Mirtazapine is suitable for you. It was a life-saver for me. It's got the double benefit of helping you sleep (right from the first night, first dose - works better at a low dose, which you'd start on anyway, for sleep) as well as (in about 4-6 weeks) taking the edge of the depression rollercoaster.

What really helped was my sleep improving instantly while the antidepressant side of things was taking those first few weeks to make an impact. It's awful to feel like you're in a glass box looking out onto a world you don't feel part of any more - and the feelings are so acute while you're in them. When you (hopefully, with time and medication and support) come out of it, you'll never forget you had those feelings, but you won't be able to recapture the acute pain of them. That's how I knew I was out the other side. And how I will always recognise if I'm in danger of slipping back again.

My DC were small too when I was feeling at my worst. Older than yours, but still under 10. The effort to just get up every day for them nearly did me in. But we keep going because they need us too.

But please push hard for support and help. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, so you might have to keep asking until your find a sympathetic GP who understands how helpful Mirtazapine can be, rather than some of the other more popular easy 'go-to' antidepressants. Mirtazapine, for me, was also really easy to come off of with no side effects. Just gradually cut down the dose bit by bit over a month or so and that was that. I read horrific things about tapering off some of the others, which is another reason I'm pleased my GP was so keen to give me this 'new' (as it was back then, when it was me) antidepressant. The only thing to bear in mind is that it can 'weight positive', but I didn't find that a problem either. I know others may have had different experiences, though.

Sorry, I've said loads OP and you're on holiday with your gorgeous DC who doesn't like you reading things on your phone! Tell him it's my fault! But there is hope for a better, brighter future for your inner mind and your outer family group with your son. I wish you all the best x

Sending sympathy. I hope you get good treatment soon. I think DC will enjoy the holiday anyway.

@Focusanddetermination where in South Wales are you? Maybe we can give you some suggestions of other activities if we know where you are? I’m in Swansea.... inbox me if you need some suggestions x

Hi OP, if you're not on any other medication (sorry if I missed anything) try St John's Wort from your local Boots/Superdrug etc. I was surprised how quickly it lifted me out of a dark dark place. Obvious read for side effects first.
I hope you manage to enjoy some parts of the holiday.

Hi OP, I know how it feels when that depression comes sweeping in, it really is like an engulfing wave of cold dark seawater ironically. Sometimes just toughing it out and waiting for it to lift a bit is the only option. I also know just how hard it is to do anything when you feel like that, let alone be bright fun happy mummy for your child. I sometimes have to hide it so that my kids don't experience my depression, and it feels forced and fake sometimes, like I am being too bright, too loud, and that they will see through it.

They won't see through it. They will see mummy smiling, and take that at face value. It's the wonderful thing about kids. You don't need to do much to keep them entertained, as pp have said, let them scout about on the beach, get wet and muddy, explore some new places, and get plenty of fresh air, even cold and wet air. They will sleep brilliantly after a day at the seaside, and will have lovely memories. The fresh air and seeing your child enjoying themself will also do you good too. Take it a day at a time, pick something simple to do each day, try and get plenty of outdoor time, and don't make it too hard for yourself. Try and factor in some relaxation time, consider downloading some audio books or podcasts perhaps, for in the evenings after your child has gone to bed, to give you some time for yourself.

One of my best holiday memories is of a day trip we took to Blackpool. It rained literally the whole day, and my parents were gutted, they'd saved for ages to take us on this coach trip. We loved it, we went on the penny drop machines on the arcade, ate junk food, got soaked on the beach, went to Madame Tussauds (dad took me into the chamber of horrors, mum wasn't impressed but it was awesome!!), and we even saw the donkeys. It was utterly wonderful as far as seven year old me was concerned. I think we all slept all the way back on the coach!

You can do this lovely, I know it feels impossible right now, and like the weight of the world is on you. But keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will come out from under the cloud. You really will. If you find yourself going through hell, just keep going.

what is your usual plan of action op?
i cannot vote an aibu on this

missed update.
best wishes

You’re doing really well! Keep going.

I know the place (metaphorically! Not literally 😄) you’re in, and wow, you managed to check in to a hotel when you were feeling like that. Well done. Tiny steps. Take lots of photos of things that you like. I know that sounds flippant and stupid but it works for me - actively looking for nice things. Because you’ll find them. The rock pools beach that a PP suggested sounded good.

Keep going op!! You can do it and your child will love the memories fake it for your little one and you can rant about your real feelings on Here to us

I felt v depressed yesterday OP. For me I think it's weather related, I'm so exhausted from the heatwave and yesterday's grey day brought me down.

It could be that the depression will lift quickly - are there things you can do to make that more likely?

You sound like a really fab mum, especially because you don't spend all your time on your phone when with your child! Kids love simple stuff, this break will be an experience that your dc will really love I'm sure.

Well done for staying @Focusanddetermination , I hope you have a good day today . Do let us know how you get on

Think of 5 things to try to make this bearable. Depressed you won’t want to listen to this but do it anyway. Do you like walking (child in pushchair), listening to podcasts (while watching child on beach), phoning friends, reading magazines, tidying your email inbox.... whatever it is, chose five small things that aren’t destructive, that are for you and do all five every day.

Travelling is stressful and beaches are bleak but travelling is also interesting and beaches are beautiful. Sorry you feel so sad, remember the world and yourself are not bad, even if it’s tough right now.

Glad you've decided to stay.
There are lots of lovely places in South Wales even if where you are based is a bit rundown. Maybe you could plan to travel to a couple of others during the week. Check the tide timetables and plan your visits to the beach around them.