To ask why accidental pregnancies are so common?

[Change17]

I’m probably going to get a lot of negative feedback for this. But I’m in my 5th week of lockdown in Melbourne and my mind is asking all sorts of questions.

I’ve honestly never fully understood how so many women find themselves accidentally pregnant. I’m not talking here about contraception not working. I’m aware condoms can break and the pill isn’t always a 100% guarantee.

But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?
I admit I’ve only had sex with a man once when I was 17. Wasn’t long after that that I realised I was gay so I’m not as knowledgable as I could be when it comes to having sex with men, but they always know when ejaculation is imminent yes? As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? (Sorry to be blunt.)

As I say I totally understand contraception is not always completely reliable and in all honesty the reason I even started to think about this was watching Desperate Housewives which I’m currently doing a re-run or for the first time in years. Lynette always talks about how she only wanted one child but kept getting pregnant and was “surprised” each time.
I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???” If you’re not using a condom or on the pill or another form of contraception... then why not do everything else possible to avoid the risk?
I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being way too black and white about this or whether else is coming my way.

I think the urge to reproduce can be very strong. So people convince themselves it was an accident,when actually it was a risk knowingly taken ( pill taken irregularly/being ineffective after sickness/pulling out/time of themonth etc etc.
Sex can lead to pregnancy. There are things you can do that help prevent it, but if you want to be certain, double up.I don't there are any methods that are 100% effective.

In my early 20s I had a condom and map failure.
By the time I was late 30s I’d absorbed all of the “fertility falls off a cliff at 35” messages that are everywhere and the message that ttc is a long and arduous journey when you’re late 30s so was (pleasantly) surprised to get pregnant first month without contraception.

Yes, I found myself accidentally pregnant. I own up.

However, I was 44.5, with less than half an ovary, one tube and had been told by my GP that if I wanted a child I would have to go for IVF (not available on the NHS due to my age) and probably egg donation due to gynae history.

Mother Nature has a sense of humour.

Things go wrong, people make incorrect assumptions, doctors get it wrong sometimes. people have stomach upsets while on the pill or get drunk and make poor choices. People are human.

Frazzled13 sorry didn’t mean to say false! Just meant positive pregnancy test *

I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???”

Usually because they were very drunk at the time if my memories of uni are anything to go by? Yes contraception can fail at the best of times, but condoms put on by two drunk fumbling inexperienced people in a dark Halls room are a lot more likely to.

Contraception doesn’t always work, some women try many different forms before they find one that is reliable but as far as I know none of them are 100% guaranteed.

As for the ‘pull out’ method you describe, I assume most women would know that sperm can travel freely at any time during sex, but I could be wrong maybe it’s not so commonly known.

As another PP said I don’t think desperate housewives is anything to go by!

I've been told twice recently that someone's second pregnancy was a surprise, surely they know how babies are made so how is it a surprise when they get pregnant?!

Because they might have been told it was unlikely?

If you've got known fertility issues, you may be surprised - often in a good way. Or if you've no known issues, but it took a very long time with your first, you might be surprised.

Often people really do just mean 'I wasn't expecting it so soon' rather than 'OMG I had no idea how biology works'.

As a sex educator myself, I don't get it either but there are a number of women who say "the doctor told me I'm infertile", and they think that means "there is a zero percent chance you will get pregnant". In actual fact, women with PCOS and other hormone disorders can and do get pregnant frequently without intervention, which is why I know dozens of couple who have adopted then have a "surprise" pregnancy. Or girls who get told at 20 that they will never be able to have a baby so they never use contraception and end up with two or three kids. The doctors who say this stuff need to stress that every woman who does not immediately want a child should use LARCs.

I also think there's an important difference between 'unplanned' and 'accidental'. Accident implies you tried to avoid it, which as you say, is often not the case unless contraception fails. But unplanned pregnancies are different, that's just not actively trying and maybe usually use contraception but one time decide not to / don't have any and end up pregnant.

@Fletchings

hearing about the odd surprise pregnancy doesn't make it common. you asked so So asked what you mean by common! 🤷

Around half of pregnancies in the UK are unplanned. I am sure you would agree that is pretty common?

@DrDetriment
But you could have got pregnant? A condom broke for me, I took MAP, 5 weeks later I was (surprisingly and to my horror) pregnant.

Peridodo Oh gosh. Why nitpick like this. Watching that storyline is what got me thinking about the whole issue. In a similar way I was once sitting with a friend watching Harry Potter and suddenly we were deep in discussion about if we’d ever send our own kids to boarding school. I don’t think either of us are planning on sending our children to Hogwarts.
If you think situations like lynette’s are only reserved for fictional tv shows then you are a little in the dark.

When you are horny it affects your brain and you make poor decisions. They did studies on it and it makes people more selfish, more aggressive, less able to think about long term consequences and more likely to take risks. It's probably an evolutionary thing to make sure you finish sex once you've started.

Most of the time unprotected sex won't lead to pregnancy. If you're not in the ~5 day fertile period then nothing will happen because there is no egg for the sperm to meet. If you are in that fertile period there's still only about a 20% chance of conception, because most of the time the egg won't implant. So at worst the odds are still in favour of not getting pregnant. If you've taken a risk a couple of times and been ok then you likely get complacent about it, especially if you're in a situation where it wouldn't be great but also wouldn't be terrible. For example if you're in a long term relationship, or you're financially stable and kind of want a baby anyway, and don't have much against the idea of single parenthood. It only tends to be when you have a total horror of pregnancy that you're stringent in prevention (or maybe that is just me )

While you would think there is a warning, sometimes (so I'm told) it can sneak up and be surprising. And some blokes will be aware but won't pull out in time anyway either because they are a bit of a shit and don't really care if they get you pregnant, or because being horny their brain isn't quite at full capacity.

Barrier contraception is awkward and requires a break in proceedings plus having one to hand at the appropriate moment.

Also failure rates of contraception are fairly high. So I wouldn't rule it out as a reason.

Statistically 50% of pregnancies are unplanned.

@funnyonion1

I understand what you're saying.

I've had plenty of ONS in my youth (and I mean plenty) and always used contraception or the MAP. Never ever had a pregnancy scare, ever.

I'm genuinely surprised by the amount of "oh I was on the pill and/or took the MAP and I'm still pregnant"... Given the pill is something like 99.98% effective I'm surprised so many people get pregnant on it! I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but statistically speaking I see and hear about "surprise" pregnancies a lot.

Totally agree with this.

@Change17 it’s a sore subject on here where the contraceptive failure rate is orders of magnitude greater than in the general population.

@Change17

farandfew I’m sorry but it absolutely happens that people have one night stands, don’t use contraception and then are upset / surprised by a positive test result. As a PP said a lot surely comes down to common sense. I completely agree sex education is terrible in some areas. My own was shocking. we learned to use condoms to avoid pregnancy but I never remember learning about STDs. So yes sex education undoubtedly needs improving but if you think those are the only two reasons why people find themselves pregnant, you’re a little in the dark.

I’m not sure how it’s “goady”. It’s a genuine and interesting discussion but if that’s what you think then maybe scrolling past would’ve been more suitable

Lol ok. "AIBU?" "Yes." "If that's what you think don't comment!"

I often think this myself I’ve been having sex for 25 years never had an unplanned pregnancy or a scare. Was on the pill prior to planning to having the DC, had 5 pregnancies (4 DC quite quickly) then DH had the snip and I’m also on the mini pill as another baby would be a disaster for me health wise so we are double Dutch so to speak.

I’ve had friends who had surprises they’ve either not taken the pill correctly, missed pills, used condoms incorrectly, thought they would be ok this once, one was using natural family planning, most thought another baby wouldn’t be a disaster.

Different women's cycles differ, too. If you chat to women who're tracking ovulation or similar (eg. for fertility treatment) it's really interesting - some people ovulate at quite unexpected points in the month. When I was at school we were taught quite a simplified version of it all, and you can see how people might miscalculate fertile days if they don't know just how variable it can all be.

I know at least two people who have been told at a young age they have fertility issues and therefore never really bothered to use contraception properly because they didn't want to waste any chance they could have of having their own child even if it wasn't an ideal situation.

@Justsocross 😂😂😂

I understand totally where your coming from, I've been married for 15 years & never got a shock. If your having any sort of male / female sex your taking a risk whatever contraception is used.a pregnancy shouldn't be a shock it's a possible outcome..there's a joke in there some where.

I got pregnant on the pill - no idea how (beyond the obvious) but it happened.

Surprise and accidental are not always the same thing. One of my friend's knew when she married that her husband might have fertility problems because of medical events as a small boy. The advice was that it might take longer or never happen. They had therefore agreed to start trying for a baby right from the wedding onwards. They were surprised and delighted to discover my friend was pregnant less than a month after the wedding, but their baby was certainly no accident.

Well in my case I had fertility treatment for 2 years, had a baby, and fell pregnant naturally against all odds when he was 6 months, old while EBF, and without having a period in 6 years.

The problem appears to be that women keep falling ..........

I have also been very sceptical about this. Many women make unilateral decisions.

One friend I know insists a bit too much that her daughter was an accidental pregnancy. She'd been with her partner a very long time without him committing when she got pregnant and they immediately got engaged. She's both smug about it but also finds parenthood hard.
She was the friend who suggested I get pregnant to try to trap an ex partner who wouldn't commit. I was horrified anyone would do this but I think plenty women do.
The couple I know who were sure they wanted to stop at one - the guy had the snip. Funnily enough, they've never had any more, "accidental" or otherwise.
If you're young and foolish or find basic sex education hard to understand for valid reasons then I can understand it.
I can also understand contraception failing (but the stats don't add up for the number of "accidents" you hear about). I also understand being told you're infertile or will have difficulty conceiving or being close to menopause etc and then having a "surprise".
But there are a lot of "accidents" that I suspect are a bit more deliberate. I wish some women would be more honest about reproduction and fertility when we (rightly) expect to have our rights about it respected.

@Change17

vodkaredbullgirl what does a flower indicate ?

It's a biscuit.

There's always an unplanned pregnancy in certain MN threads.