To ask why accidental pregnancies are so common?

[Change17]

I’m probably going to get a lot of negative feedback for this. But I’m in my 5th week of lockdown in Melbourne and my mind is asking all sorts of questions.

I’ve honestly never fully understood how so many women find themselves accidentally pregnant. I’m not talking here about contraception not working. I’m aware condoms can break and the pill isn’t always a 100% guarantee.

But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?
I admit I’ve only had sex with a man once when I was 17. Wasn’t long after that that I realised I was gay so I’m not as knowledgable as I could be when it comes to having sex with men, but they always know when ejaculation is imminent yes? As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? (Sorry to be blunt.)

As I say I totally understand contraception is not always completely reliable and in all honesty the reason I even started to think about this was watching Desperate Housewives which I’m currently doing a re-run or for the first time in years. Lynette always talks about how she only wanted one child but kept getting pregnant and was “surprised” each time.
I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???” If you’re not using a condom or on the pill or another form of contraception... then why not do everything else possible to avoid the risk?
I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being way too black and white about this or whether else is coming my way.

I thought in a similsr way to you OP...until last year when I fell pregnant on the mini pill (taking it 100% correctly). Sadly the pregnancy ended in an early mc. It was a HUGE shocK!

@Change17

differentnameforthis My goodness am I really having to say this again. I think this really might be about the 10th time since people are so insistent on not reading properly.

I’m not talking here about contraception not working. I’m aware condoms can break and the pill isn’t always a 100% guarantee.

Except that is NOT what I said!!

@Hoggleludo if I hadn't know I was pregnant, I wouldn't have 'known until I was 3rd trimester. I have a friend with no symptoms apart from more hungry which could explain a (very small!) bump.
I knew someone who was rkme she was infertile, again hardly any bump. Felt a bit rubbish but honestly you could pass it off as so many other things. You don't nece feel how you expect.

@Change17

differentnameforthis i sincerely like to think that people do in fact read a post properly before commenting. Many other PPs have also commented how the types of pregnancies I’m referring to are very clear form my OP and other comments. So I can’t help but think you’re looking for a way to start a heated discussion which just seems so petty and pointless

I didn't have time to read 400+ posts at the time. Some people read all the posts, some don't, some just read the OP's posts, some don't.

What you like to think isn't how MN runs, to be honest. You can't control what people do. You will often the same remarks from different people, because it's the internet...

I wasn't looking for a way to start a heated discussion, I asked you a question. Which you didn't answer directly, just continued to be goading and assuming I wanted a heated discussion.

People banging on about "accidental pregnancies being common" while implying that it's only ever the woman's fault gets my goat! I don't think it really matters who gets pregnant "accidentally" , and I don't judge others for it.

Mainly because it doesn't actually affect me... so it's none of my business...non coercive control/contraceptive control ....

@NiceGerbil Erm loads of people on this thread have discussed how they didn't properly understand/ or knew people who didn't properly understand the things that could make the pill less effective.

Agree. I didn't know for a long time that specific antiacids can affect the pill. No dr ever told me!

OP herself thinks pulling out is enough, yet doesn't understand how accidental pregnancies are so common.

As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? - @Change17

@PeanutButterSarnie

Booze. Incompetence. Weak women who cave when pressured by selfish fella.

If my wife has forgotten to take her pill (very rare), she will not allow me inside her without condom. Ever. It's called self-discipline and fear of unwanted consequences.

Weak women who cave... nothing to do with the manipulative/controlling men who coerce them by telling them all sorts of shit??

Abusive men also who beat (emotionally and physically) their partner into submission?

Men who damage the condom, hide their partner's contraception, promise to pull out before they come and don't have any intention to?

All those and more that I have dealt with through the course of being a DV advocate...

No, let's just blame "weak women..." when in fact it's mostly down to the weak men who think abusing women is OK, or weak men who have no discipline...

Wait...

@PeanutButterSarnie She is also the type to open a box of chocolates and eat one. Then close the lid. Discipline! For my part, I don't open the lid...

See, it's men with attitudes like this that cause accidental pregnancies too. You freely admit that if you wife didn't have her discipline, you would happily have sex without protection. Therefore, case in point that it isn't just down to the women... it's also men with no sense of responsibility, in order to get their kick and hang the consequences, because they don't have to carry the pregnancy or go through a termination.

Also, great posts from @NiceGerbil @IamPickleRick and @BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

differentnameforthis

I’ve replied to this accusation a few time’s now so I’ll just copy and paste from the last time that I did.

“. I never ONCE said that “if you pull out you will 100% protected from pregnancy”. I said over and over and over again that if absolutely zero methods of precision were even ATTEMPTED then how can you be shocked to find yourself pregnant . Surely you understand that if a couple are not using a condom and the female is not on any type of birth control, then pulling out at least decreases the risk?”

So essentially- If 0 forms of contraception are being used, would you not want to do what you can to at the least, reduce the chance of getting pregnant ?

No, but you did state that withdrawal was a method to use. When it's really not recommended at all. Pre-come etc.

What did you make of that blokes posts, the one who flounced? I thought they were a really good example of the sort of dynamics that go on with het couples. He was putting all the responsibility on her, on the basis she was naturally better at it, and doing himself as a real gent for doing that. And when women had the temerity not to agree that his behaviour was awesome, he got angry and flounced off.

A really good example of the sort of behaviour that many on the thread have been alluding to.

Men who refuse to wear condoms must be a significant part.

@noss

Men who refuse to wear condoms must be a significant part.

That wouldn’t be accidental then.

Anyone having sex without contraception is knowingly putting themselves out there to get pregnant.

Contraception is the responsibility of both partners; if a man refuses to wear a condom then a woman needs to refuse sex without contraception if they don’t want a baby.

@Change17 I never ONCE said that “if you pull out you will 100% protected from pregnancy”

I never said you did, perhaps quote me word for word, instead twisting what I said in order to further your agenda.

I said OP herself thinks pulling out is enough, yet doesn't understand how accidental pregnancies are so common.

@genteelwoman why were you using fertility awareness methods alongside hormonal contraception?

It's hardly unintelligent not to realise that the word "infertility" when used in humans has a totally different definition of "reduced fertility" or "difficulty conceiving"

Generally words with the suffix "inX" mean "Not X".

And plenty of medical professionals tell people that they will "never conceive without help" or that it's highly unlikely etc. It's only when you really properly look into the definition of infertility that you realise it's not that straightforward. And most people don't do that, even if it's something that affects them. I'd also wager that the kind of person who is obsessively googling to understand in depth something they have been told in passing by a medic has a fairly high crossover with the kind of person who joins a parenting advice discussion forum.

Pregnancy 1 - I didnt know that antibiotics could mess up the pill
Pregnancy 2 - planned
Pregnancy 3 - no idea - using contraception and had periods, found out was pregnant at 5 months
Pregnancy 4 - completely stupid as I thought I was going through the menopause after not having periods for a year

Hey OP. I am also a lesbian but I think I understand why. I think people are thinking with their genitals and getting caught up in the moment, I mean it happens to lesbians as well, we just don't have the serious repercussions.

Obviously many do use some form of protection while others are being impulsive and/or careless, and some may feel pressured to not use protection.

I feel bad for straight women, I cannot imagine having that fear of unplanned pregnancies, particularly if it's very much unwanted. I'm honestly happy to be a lesbian. All of my kids will be (and so far has been) planned, and I just don't have that anxiety about impulsive sex with my partner.

[quote differentnameforthis]@Change17 I never ONCE said that “if you pull out you will 100% protected from pregnancy”

I never said you did, perhaps quote me word for word, instead twisting what I said in order to further your agenda.

I said OP herself thinks pulling out is enough, yet doesn't understand how accidental pregnancies are so common.[/quote]
Surely “pulling out is enough” means “pulling out is enough to prevent a pregnancy form occurring”, no? How did you mean this to come across because that’s exactly how it reads and now you seem to be backpedaling.

I think it's you who is backpedalling, OP.

'But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?
I admit I’ve only had sex with a man once when I was 17. Wasn’t long after that that I realised I was gay so I’m not as knowledgable as I could be when it comes to having sex with men, but they always know when ejaculation is imminent yes? As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? (Sorry to be blunt.)'

You were the one who brought it up in your OP.

Also. It's the man who 'pulls out'.

Your OP is asking women. And your posts focus on women.

Sorry to be blunt but. In most het sex encounters whether the man pulls out or not is down to him. Because he's bigger and stronger. In the end that's a pretty big factor.

I really think some consideration and more understanding of the dynamic in het sex would help you understand things more.

I think some women hear all the talk of TTC and think it’s unlikely to happen for a one-off. It does though.

@noss

Men who refuse to wear condoms must be a significant part.

Then that wouldn’t really fall under accidental or a “surprise” pregnancy.

I'm with you on this one OP. I've had around 80 sexual partners and only had one pregnancy scare when the condom broke. Then again I've been adamant for as long as I can remember that I don't want children so have always been vigilant with the pill and always made sure w condom is used too.

I did have a close friend who had a very surprise pregnancy after trying for years and years to have children. Gave up on the idea and then got pregnant at 42. No contraception was used but why would it be considering she was sure she couldn't conceive.

I'll never forget my 16 year old sister (I was 18) at the time falling pregnant and being in total shock by it. I and my mum asked her if a condom had been used. No. Was she taking the pill or any other form of contraception. No. So her shock at falling pregnant really was nonsensical. And now at 30 she'd likely agree. I suppose she very much had the "it'll never happen to me" attitude. But if you have unprotected sex then a pregnancy really cannot be seen as accidental or a surprise.

@NiceGerbil

I think it's you who is backpedalling, OP.

'But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?
I admit I’ve only had sex with a man once when I was 17. Wasn’t long after that that I realised I was gay so I’m not as knowledgable as I could be when it comes to having sex with men, but they always know when ejaculation is imminent yes? As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? (Sorry to be blunt.)'

You were the one who brought it up in your OP.

I am not sure why you think that withdrawing isn't at least an option to try and prevent pregnancy if contraception isn't being used? So since it's not always effective, you think just not even trying on the chance it will work is sensible ?

If I didn’t want a baby, and my partner had pulled out rather than wearing a condom, then I’d still be heading off to get the morning after pill.

I wouldn’t be all “oh, he pulled out so nothing to worry about.”

And a pp makes a good point that the choice about pulling out or not is something that’s usually down to the man. I really don’t think it’s fair to put the blame for not pulling out onto the woman.

@MinorArcana

If I didn’t want a baby, and my partner had pulled out rather than wearing a condom, then I’d still be heading off to get the morning after pill.

I wouldn’t be all “oh, he pulled out so nothing to worry about.”

And a pp makes a good point that the choice about pulling out or not is something that’s usually down to the man. I really don’t think it’s fair to put the blame for not pulling out onto the woman.

In fairness I don't think OP was ever suggesting that pulling out was entirely the solution to avoid pregnancy. But if contraception isn't being used then it's surely sensible to pull out in an attempt to reduce the chances of falling pregnant ? I've never been in this situation as I've always had almost a fear of pregnancy so have been vigilant with the pill since I was a teenager. And doubling up with condoms. But if I were in that situation (no contraception that is) I'd sure as hell be making sure the guy was willing to pull out and be straight to get the MAP anyway.

I was totally shocked when I fell pregnant with ds but it wasn't a total surprise. I had endometriosis and my ex dp had been told his medication makes him sterile ( he was on various meds for crohn's) and I was 37. So not totally impossible, but unlikely.
It was a happy surprise but I couldn't believe it!