To ask why accidental pregnancies are so common?

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I’m probably going to get a lot of negative feedback for this. But I’m in my 5th week of lockdown in Melbourne and my mind is asking all sorts of questions.

I’ve honestly never fully understood how so many women find themselves accidentally pregnant. I’m not talking here about contraception not working. I’m aware condoms can break and the pill isn’t always a 100% guarantee.

But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?
I admit I’ve only had sex with a man once when I was 17. Wasn’t long after that that I realised I was gay so I’m not as knowledgable as I could be when it comes to having sex with men, but they always know when ejaculation is imminent yes? As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? (Sorry to be blunt.)

As I say I totally understand contraception is not always completely reliable and in all honesty the reason I even started to think about this was watching Desperate Housewives which I’m currently doing a re-run or for the first time in years. Lynette always talks about how she only wanted one child but kept getting pregnant and was “surprised” each time.
I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???” If you’re not using a condom or on the pill or another form of contraception... then why not do everything else possible to avoid the risk?
I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being way too black and white about this or whether else is coming my way.

Am amused at the swipes being taken at women who are grown-up enough to successfully manage their contraception... 'perfect' etc.

I'm in my late 50s. I have never, ever in my life taken that risk. It's just as well, as each time I've decided to try to get pregnant, I've succeeded very quickly!

Taking full responsibility for your contraception isn't 'perfection', it's just that- 'responsible'.

If you choose to feel judged because of your casual, whatevs approach, that's on you.

The points that OP is making are the same shit I hear on MRA forums that argue women shouldn't be able to access abortion because they knew exactly what they were getting into when they had sex. She may be pro-choice but she displays the same lack of empathy and compassion and the same judgment of women that anti-choicers do. That's why she's getting flamed.

I think that’s harsh. I think OP was just saying, if you’re not using contraception or not using it correctly then you can’t seriously be surprised if you get pregnant.
I remember a post on here a while ago when the woman claimed to be super fertile. She then said something like she’d come to that conclusion because she’d got pregnant despite using condoms ‘most of the time’ and had got pregnant again whilst on the pill but she had forgotten it a couple of times. That’s not being super fertile.... that’s not using contraception or not using it in a way that is most likely to prevent pregnancy. Most posters told her that. This thread is no different yet many people have taken offence.
I think many people have taken offence because people don’t like things being pointed out to them... but surely they know if deep down anyway. And if it’s a choice they’re comfortable with, then it’s their body, their choice.

People perceive risk differently and some people are just more willing to take risks. Personally, I never took any risks with contraception but I’m not at all relaxed about that. I’d never think ‘fuck it, it’ll probably be fine’ because that’s not who I am. My partner is the same. To us, the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy was just too big and even a tiny risk was too big. Most people I know haven’t worried as much as we have and are a lot more relaxed about it. That’s their choice.

If anyone gets pregnant whilst not using contraception or not using it properly and they’re shocked and upset, of course I would be sympathetic and compassionate. But would I think they should be shocked it’s happened? Absolutely not.

What surprise me is the number of posts about 'surprised' pregnancies when the posters was allegedly told by healthcare professionals that they couldn't get pregnant due to conditions and therefore didn't take any precautions.

I was once under the care of a fertility specialist who informed me of our low chance of pregnancy (later in life). When I asked if he'd be impossible, he said that unless you have your eggs removed no healthcare professional would e we say to a woman that she could never fall pregnant and always recommend to use contraceptives if not wanting to be pregnant. I asked my GP and consultant friends and said exactly the same.

I think the actual reality is that many women either don't care and end up getting abortions or really want to be pregnant even though they know they shouldn't and lie or come up with excuses to avoid being judged.

Thinking you’ve been subtle enough to have deniability is insulting to our intelligence frankly and you’ve tried that tactic throughout “where have I said...” “I never said exactly...” it’s a faux naivety that’s annoying and disingenuous.

Yes, this.

@dontdisturbmenow - I think if you ask a doctor point-blank whether you are 100% infertile, they will give an honest answer.

But often, I think doctors are in a hurry or they forget that what is obvious to them isn't obvious to a layperson. I've had a lot of fertility treatment and you do notice what slips through the cracks - one person will tell you your ovary is too damaged to ovulate and needs checking in a couple of months; another person checks you in a couple of months and you assume they know to check that, but they may not.

I can see how women who trust their doctors and who maybe don't have a huge amount of time to devote to checking out exactly what the medical implications are, might get the wrong idea.

What's needed is to stop shaming women and acknowledge there is a poor level of information being given out. Often women are treated as unreliable witnesses to their own bodies - how often are women with endometriosis told 'oh, you're overreacting' or 'everyone has painful periods, you know'? It's not remarkable that a lot of women feel uncertain what's true and what isn't.

@Blanketyblanket

I don’t know anyone that has been surprised at getting pregnant when they aren’t taking any form of contraception. I guess my sister was kind I’d surprised as she fell pregnant at 40 having been told that her Dh had a low sperm count and they’d been trying for a decade. But not an unwanted surprise.

It’s really very easy to get pregnant. I got pregnant with dc1 despite using condoms and had never had one split. It happens

I wonder what people who are struggling to conceive or have infertility make of your father thoughtless comment... On average each cycle you have only a 25% chance of conception occurring.

I was once under the care of a fertility specialist who informed me of our low chance of pregnancy (later in life). When I asked if he'd be impossible, he said that unless you have your eggs removed no healthcare professional would e we say to a woman that she could never fall pregnant and always recommend to use contraceptives if not wanting to be pregnant. I asked my GP and consultant friends and said exactly the same.

Yes this. Infertile does not mean sterile.

*It’s really very easy to get pregnant. I got pregnant with dc1 despite using condoms and had never had one split. It happens

I can't believe how argumentative some people are being on here.

Accidental pregnancies are very common (recent surveys suggest almost half), you only have to log on to Mumsnet to see it.

I find it completely baffling, as there are so many free options to prevent pregnancy in this country.

It should be an absolute priority if you are having sex.

@SerenDippitty

I was once under the care of a fertility specialist who informed me of our low chance of pregnancy (later in life). When I asked if he'd be impossible, he said that unless you have your eggs removed no healthcare professional would e we say to a woman that she could never fall pregnant and always recommend to use contraceptives if not wanting to be pregnant. I asked my GP and consultant friends and said exactly the same.

Yes this. Infertile does not mean sterile.

Meant to put “necessarily” between not and mean!

Anecdotally, lots of the 'surprise' or 'accidental' pregnancies I've heard of personally aren't surprising or accidental, they're unplanned and occur a result of carelessness. My friend has had three 'surprise' pregnancies - each time after having a few too many and throwing caution to the wind with protection. It may be surprising but it shouldn't be if you don't take precautions!

Accidents do happen, contraception can and does fail. But it's not as common as people would have you believe.

I am 36. I've used contraception (the pill or a condom) since I was 16. I've had a condom fall off on me once and I took the MAP. Wanted to get pregnant twice, stopped using contraception and got pregnant twice. Ive never had an unplanned pregnancy scare.

I had all 3 DC as unplanned pregnancies who were very much all wanted.

DC1: pill, condoms and rhythm method ('checking temperature
DC2: patch and condoms and daily ovulation strips and complete abstinence while ovulating
DC3: depo injection and condoms-still ovulation strips.

I had one partner before H and always used double barrier methods0 (advice of my GP who I saw before starting to have sex) and did not fall pregnant in 5 years.

H had two partners prior and in 10 years ex never pregnant as she was infertile. His first ex had 7 pregnancies while on every conceivable contraception that ended in miscarriage or abortion. H though he had superhuman sperm as a result and always insisted we use two methods. I thought it was absolute nonsense but by DC3 I started to think otherwise. Not a chance I would even think of not using contraception with him. As far as I know I used the methods correctly and avoided sex while on antibiotics , upset stomach etc.

I honestly don't know what more I could have done

@gutentag1, why should it be 'an absolute priority'?

It feels to me as if there's a view amongst some posters that there is something immoral about unplanned pregnancy.

Now, I fully agree that if someone has an unplanned pregnancy and is in a position where this is a deeply unwanted event, that is a problem.

But there are also many, many, many women and couples who simply mean 'well, we weren't TTC in a dedicated way but we're perfectly happy it's happened'.

I don't follow why they get treated as irresponsible for what is, IME, simply a figure of speech.

why should it be 'an absolute priority'?

I presume the pp who said this, meant it should be an absolute priority if you don’t want to get pregnant.... which makes sense.

one person will tell you your ovary is too damaged to ovulate and needs checking in a couple of months
This is exactly my point. They are told this and they will tell people they are told they are infertile.

I think when you are told there might be issues with your fertility, the shock and worry make some women see the worse case scenario and therefore that they shouldn't need to protect themselves because a pregnancy would be a miracle, which indeed is fine except when they tell their sexual partner that they were told they were infertile and couldn't get pregnant when it's not what they were told.

There’s a lot here I won’t respond to because frankly too absurd and I’m fairly positive posters know it, but are trying to get me to bite. But one think I feel the need to weigh in on is this idea that I’m some kind of evil judgemental witch of a friend.

I think it’s fairly obvious the types of situations I was referring to with my friends getting the MAP. However, some are trying to paint the narrative that whilst sitting with a friend of mine, balling her eyes out because she’s pregnant, knowing she can’t get an abortion because of uber religious parents, knowing whatever happens she’ll have to have the baby, there I am sitting here, judging her, thinking she’s a trashy irresponsible sl*t and how could she possibly be such an idiot.

No. Please get a grip.

The situations I am referring to in which I said in my OP “really, again???” Are those times at uni, which I’m sure many of us here can relate to, waking up with a bunch of friends in the same room after a heavy night out and one pops up with “oh crap. I think I need to get the MAP.” Usually said with in a daily light hearted way to then receive a roasting by everyone (yes, not just me). I can’t count the number of times we’d all walk together, still in dress and heels from the night before to get the MAP while joking and laughing about the night before. And yes, I absolutely would say it to their face! As would we all. “Dude how are we here again can you sort ya self out please.” I struggle to believe that PPs didnt have similar experiences at uni Or in their youth and laugh about it now.

Just recently on a group Skype one of my friends even now at 29, was telling us how she and her bf got carried away the night before and joked along the lines “well I’m just praying I’m not with child. Timing couldn’t be worse” to which another friend replied “yeah gosh it’s almost like you can do thing has to avoid that.” Friend told other friend to kindly fuck off. We all laughed. And moved on with the conversation.

So please stop twisting my words. Stop trying to form this narrative that I am a wicked evil person.

And to address the apparently horrendous idea that we’re i having sex with men, I’d educate myself a bit more.
This came about because a couple of posters have commented on my naivete about het sex. I admitted that this was the case. I partially blame my shockingly bad sex education that I received as I recall over one biology lesson in year seven. I also think that because I’ve never had an interest in having sex with men I actually have not chosen to really clue myself up. I simply commented that this is why I am so unknowledgeable but I do believe that were I having sex with men I would’ve wanted to educate myself a bit more. This was in no way whatsoever saying “if I were having sex with men I would be so incredibly clued up on exactly what to do and what not to do and there’s no way I would ever get pregnant and I can’t possibly believe people are so stupid for getting pregnant unintentionally.” This again is people’s manipulation of my words.
It’s not dissimilar to the fact that as a gay woman there’s a shocking lack of info out there about stds. A lot of gay women seem to think they’re untouchable in regard to them. So my ex and I together one evening sat down and did a lot of research. If that makes us smug, obnoxious or whatever other words have been used for me saying I’d likely have wanted to learn more if I were bi/straight, then so be it. But I really fail to understand that.

genteelwoman As I’ve said numerous numerous numerous times now, and as it is clearly stated in my OP, I am referring to the pregnancies that happen despite no precautions and contraception being used, when both couples are away they’re perfectly fertile , and yet somehow still come as a surprise. Your situation doesn’t fall into any of these brackets.

@dontdisturbmenow - yes, that's my point too: we are agreeing on that, but (I think?) disagreeing about whether to blame women for this.

I don't think every woman would know to be super-proactive and double-check everything their doctor tells them (which, TBH, you do sometimes need to do); and some doctors don't respond well to being questioned.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze - but then we're talking about a much smaller number of women, right? People on this thread have repeatedly said that around half of all pregnancies are unplanned. I can believe that, but I sincerely doubt half of all pregnancies are unplanned and happen to women/couples who are devastated by the news.

I would imagine most of that figure is made up of women who simply mean they were leaving things up to chance.

“well I’m just praying I’m not with child. Timing couldn’t be worse”
This strikes of what I suggested above. That your friend deep inside likes the idea of a pregnancy but knows she'd be judged if she said she was actively trying because the circumstances are not good, so this way, she'd be able to say 'oh, it was a complete accident but hey ho, we'll just have to deal with it' hence earning sympathy.

I don't think every woman would know to be super-proactive and double-check everything their doctor tells them
I don't see how you can conclude that you are infertile and can't get pregnant at all unless you are being told just that black and white. As others have said, we are responsible for our own fertility, not doctors, the onus is on us to use contraceptives unless 100% sure or ask for confirmation.

dontdisturbmenow possibly. Although this particular friend is extremely career driven. Completed her law degree fairly recently and has always said she doesn’t want kids until later in life. Point still being that a few sarcastic comments were lobbed at her by the group and I don’t think it’s totally uncommon for friends to give each other a hard time. But PPs insisted I’m a horrendous person for this.

As Jeremy Kyle says 'put something on the end of it' Lol. Another one who thinks some women are deliberately careless because:-

1. desperate for a baby
2. cement the relationship/trap the man
3. want a council house/benefits
4. partner not keen
5. want someone to love and care for
6. too immature to consider the consequences
7. thought they weren't fertile

A bit harsh maybe. I'm not putting genuine 100% contraception failure in the same group. Those who forget pills, sickness, antibiotics, not insisting on a condom are irresponsible though.

I don't see how you can conclude that you are infertile and can't get pregnant at all unless you are being told just that black and white.

Well, because some people aren't all that educated about these things, or they misunderstand what has been said because the doctor hasn't communicated very well?

I think (as I said) that if you ask a doctor point-blank 'am I 100% infertile,' they will give you an honest answer. The problem comes when a doctor says something like 'well, Mrs Quack, it's obvious you will need IVF to have a chance at a baby' or 'well, that ovary isn't doing anything, there's absolutely nothing happening at all' and you, the patient, don't understand the context.

I really do think this is a shared responsibility between doctors and patients.

Byronsmummy

In all of those scenarios there has to be a willing male who is pretty careless too. If men want to prevent pregnancy they should use a condom or make sure they are with a partner who is on the same page as them and is using contraception responsibly.

Although I used the pill for years, I was never made to feel that contraception was my issue to sort out. There’s way too many men who feel like contraception is a woman’s issue and too many women who accept this view from men.

I suspect a lot of 'accidental' pregnancies are either not accidental or the product of a chaotic and thoughtless lifestyle.

If it was common people would have a lot more children than they do.