To ask why accidental pregnancies are so common?

[Change17]

I’m probably going to get a lot of negative feedback for this. But I’m in my 5th week of lockdown in Melbourne and my mind is asking all sorts of questions.

I’ve honestly never fully understood how so many women find themselves accidentally pregnant. I’m not talking here about contraception not working. I’m aware condoms can break and the pill isn’t always a 100% guarantee.

But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?
I admit I’ve only had sex with a man once when I was 17. Wasn’t long after that that I realised I was gay so I’m not as knowledgable as I could be when it comes to having sex with men, but they always know when ejaculation is imminent yes? As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? (Sorry to be blunt.)

As I say I totally understand contraception is not always completely reliable and in all honesty the reason I even started to think about this was watching Desperate Housewives which I’m currently doing a re-run or for the first time in years. Lynette always talks about how she only wanted one child but kept getting pregnant and was “surprised” each time.
I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???” If you’re not using a condom or on the pill or another form of contraception... then why not do everything else possible to avoid the risk?
I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being way too black and white about this or whether else is coming my way.

The ones I don’t get

Are the women who don’t know they’re pregnant till they have the baby (no judging). I just don’t understand!

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Illiteracy is incredibly embarrassing

I can’t tell you the number of people you probably know who are illiterate.

Although it’s becoming less. Hardly anyone knows

I knew a bloke for over 60 years never told a soul. Not sure how. But he didn’t dare.

It’s so sad.

Booze.
Incompetence.
Weak women who cave when pressured by selfish fella.

If my wife has forgotten to take her pill (very rare), she will not allow me inside her without condom. Ever. It's called self-discipline and fear of unwanted consequences.

[quote Hoggleludo]@SchrodingersImmigrant

Illiteracy is incredibly embarrassing

I can’t tell you the number of people you probably know who are illiterate.

Although it’s becoming less. Hardly anyone knows

I knew a bloke for over 60 years never told a soul. Not sure how. But he didn’t dare.

It’s so sad.[/quote]
I absolutely understand it's embarrassing, but there is a potential of a baby. It's fine if people try to hide it when it affects just them, but not when it doesn't. There is no need to tell everyone but a health professional should know.

I have to say I agree with your question. If you are informed and understand how the monthly cycle works you can avoid getting pregnant. And it helps you get pregnant as well. I was able to plan all 3 of my pregnancies by understanding my cycle. And not get pregnant when I wasn’t ready to by avoiding sex during fertile time.

So after 5 years of infertility, having 2 years of fertility treatment, having no periods or ovulation for 6 years, finally having a beautiful baby and then finding yourself accidentally pregnant 6 months later (with a baby you did actually desperately wanted) but blessed by the gods for giving you another baby without all that money, time and heartbreak... it boils down to me being weak. Or drunk.

Some very simple views from some people.

@IamPickleRick

So after 5 years of infertility, having 2 years of fertility treatment, having no periods or ovulation for 6 years, finally having a beautiful baby and then finding yourself accidentally pregnant 6 months later (with a baby you did actually desperately wanted) but blessed by the gods for giving you another baby without all that money, time and heartbreak... it boils down to me being weak. Or drunk.

Some very simple views from some people.

Would you say your circumstances mirror all, the majority, or a significant proportion of the unplanned pregnancies referred to by the OP?

At uni, one of my partners told me that she and a friend would often have sex after playing tennis. With no contraception. She could not explain to me why.

@IamPickleRick - with all due respect your experience doesn’t reflect on infertility experiences let alone accidental pregnancy ones. It’s great that you got your baby but people do need to understand when their experience is in the minority of possible experiences.

In the same vein I would never tell a group suffering from infertility to chin up and struggle through IVF for 10 years the way I did for a baby, because I am self-aware enough to know that for most women even a single cycle isn’t an option.

If my wife has forgotten to take her pill (very rare), she will not allow me inside her without condom. Ever. It's called self-discipline and fear of unwanted consequences.

She won’t allow you? Surely if you knew she’d forgotten to take her pill, you just wouldn’t anyway, even if she allowed you if you don’t want a baby. Men can be responsible too.

Also I remember reading somewhere that even if the timing is perfect an egg and sperm will only meet and create perfect embryo 30% of the time. It takes the average couple 8 months of trying to get pregnant.

@Mamabear12

I have to say I agree with your question. If you are informed and understand how the monthly cycle works you can avoid getting pregnant. And it helps you get pregnant as well. I was able to plan all 3 of my pregnancies by understanding my cycle. And not get pregnant when I wasn’t ready to by avoiding sex during fertile time.

Well that's great for you, a lot of women don't have regular cycles.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

If my wife has forgotten to take her pill (very rare), she will not allow me inside her without condom. Ever. It's called self-discipline and fear of unwanted consequences.

She won’t allow you? Surely if you knew she’d forgotten to take her pill, you just wouldn’t anyway, even if she allowed you if you don’t want a baby. Men can be responsible too.

I must confess that her self-discipline is stronger than mine, in this department! If she relented, I might too! But she would not relent.

She is also the type to open a box of chocolates and eat one. Then close the lid. Discipline! For my part, I don't open the lid...

I must confess that her self-discipline is stronger than mine, in this department! If she relented, I might too! But she would not relent.

That would really piss me off, knowing that my husband/partner would take a risk like that when ultimately it would be me that it would affect more in terms of worrying if I was pregnant or having to take the MAP of getting an abortion or carrying a baby for 9 months. In fact I think I’d be so turned off a man mike that, that I wouldn’t want to be with them. Some men need to grow up and think of more than getting their dick wet. Women shouldn’t have to be the only responsible one in the relationship. If you had to deal with the consequences of stress/MAP/abortion or carrying a baby you might feel differently.

*like

Well I’m not the one saying that all accident happen through weak willed women getting drunk and shagging about. I’m trying to say that there are other circumstances - just as I cannot speak for all accidents being happy ones like mine, neither can simple minded puritans say that all accidents are through drunken weak willed sex. There’s an inbetween and that’s where compassionare and nonjudgmental attitudes falls

Would you say your circumstances mirror all, the majority, or a significant proportion of the unplanned pregnancies referred to by the OP?

No. But a significant proportion certainly don’t fall in to your definition either. Pregnant by mistake doesn’t equal drunken and weak willed.

I know three women who got pregnant whilst fitted with coils.
One woman who had a failed sterilisation and decided on an abortion.
One whose husbands vasectomy failed. He had impregnated another woman around the same time also. I can’t speak for whether the other woman was drunk though, I wasn’t there.

Perhaps you were, you know so much about drunk weak willed women getting knocked up?

A lot of people find taking contraception and it's side effects hellish - I'm one of them. So yes, you do take the risk as you would have to either never have sex again, or in my case, have no partner, friends or family because of the mood swings, along with terrible anxiety and suicidal thoughts.

The best contraception I have found, is having young kids - no chance of sex at the moment

I don’t use hormone contraception. I use condoms and also avoid sex during ovulation week. As my last son was conceived using condoms without a single error. The condom didn’t split. No clue how he got through tbh but I’m extremely glad he did

I have made my points politely and with good humour. I understand that some people react badly when faced with the suggestion that some people are the authors of their own problems, rather than being victims of some patriarchal / capitalist / racist plot by 'The Man'. I shall therefore wish you all a lovely evening, and retire to enjoy the company of my (strong-willed) good lady and two (carefully planned) children!

I don’t think I’m a victim. I just expect men to be as responsible as I am about contraception. 🤷🏻‍♀️

For goodness sake don’t have a drink, I hear it makes you sex mad and pregnant.

Only if you’re a woman though. I suppose it makes men judgemental and not to blame for their accidents

Also I definitely noticed contraception/family planning services really declined over the past decade (well in my area at least). I remember in my late teens it was very easy to get a quick appointment at the GP surgery for an implant or coil fitting. When I enquired a couple of years ago you would have to wait around 2 months to get one done. A dedicated contraception/sexual health in a nearby town completely closed and one in the other town massively reduced its opening hours, services and increased waiting times. I do find this bad especially when you consider the simultaneous cap on benefits beyond two kids which will definitely push women into poverty if they have an unplanned pregnancy- reliable contraception should be more readily and easily available than ever.

Wow at bloke flouncing after that 'wife is naturally more restrained than me' chocolates post.

OP if you are still here. The dynamics of het sex were raised as something to look into. That chaps posts were a good example. Just search his username on this thread, and observe his reaction to women saying erm.. that doesn't sound great (ie disagreeing with him).