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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell him I'm on my period

352 replies

DinoRavager · 12/08/2020 16:19

I have a casual relationship. We meet up roughly every couple of weeks, go for dinner and go back to mine or his. We have a good friendship and enjoy each other's company, but it's not serious and we don't really talk in between meeting up.

I usually cancel if my period is heavy but if my period is light/medium, I just use a menstrual sponge and get on with things. I've never mentioned it to my casual and he doesn't know. It's never leaked or been a problem. If he did ask why I never seem to have a period I'd probably tell him, but I don't think it matters. He doesn't ask, I don't tell.

I was talking to a friend about it and she said it's unfair to have sex with him whilst on my period without his consent. I don't think my period is any of his business and if it makes no difference, he doesn't need to know.

YABU - He should know I'm on my period
YANBU - It's not his business

OP posts:
borntohula · 13/08/2020 00:36

[quote BluebellForest836]@namesnamesnamesnames - because some men do not like sleeping with women when they are on their period. It’s not rocket science. It can be messy and not many men find a period ‘sexy’.
Who wants to be giving oral and then getting a mouthful of blood if there was an accident or something went wrong with the sponge.[/quote]
This thread really makes me appreciate my sexual partner.

CrazyToast · 13/08/2020 00:51

Well he clearly can't tell the difference so I don't see why you have to say anything. If you tell him and he goes 'eeewww gross' even though he had no clue previously, at least you'd know more about how he views such things.

Worriedtonightagain · 13/08/2020 00:54

@EatsShootsAndRuns

I can't imagine how this exact topic would come up with friends tbh. And my friends and I are very frank open people. Hmm
Clearly aren’t that open lol
LastInTheQueue · 13/08/2020 03:17

“WearyandBleary

I wouldn’t have sex with someone I couldn’t talk to about basic biological issues tbh.”

This.

Bananabread8 · 13/08/2020 03:28

I’ve never heard of the sponges. I wouldn’t feel comfortable personally. For things like HIV having unprotected sex whilst on your period is a big deal in all fairness OP. It didn’t sound like you do use a condom... having someone give you oral while your on your period is not something I would want to do either.

Been on your period does make you less clean! The scent alone for a start.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 13/08/2020 03:44

seems a bit strange that you're open enough to discuss with your friend, but not the person that you're regularly having sex with.

TitsOutForHarambe · 13/08/2020 04:26

Did your friend give a reason as to why it's unfair not to tell him? I don't understand

Rebelwithallthecause · 13/08/2020 06:44

@Bananabread8

I’ve never heard of the sponges. I wouldn’t feel comfortable personally. For things like HIV having unprotected sex whilst on your period is a big deal in all fairness OP. It didn’t sound like you do use a condom... having someone give you oral while your on your period is not something I would want to do either.

Been on your period does make you less clean! The scent alone for a start.

When I’m on my period I’m certainly not smelly or unclean
Rebelwithallthecause · 13/08/2020 06:47

If a man I meat is squeamish about period sex, I respect his choice but it also shows me that he’s not for me

It’s the men who have been squeamish that have not been great in a crisis that involves any other bodily fluids

zippityzip · 13/08/2020 07:02

Just looking up beppy sponge as I had never heard of them before! They look amazing.

And are even advertised "don't let your period get in the way of love making".

Your sex like OP - crack on! Sounds like you've got it sorted!

Aridane · 13/08/2020 07:08

If a man can't handle the thought that he may come into contact with a bit of blood, he may be more comfortable limited to his hand

Some men and women don’t like to come into contact with blood - get over it

Original poster
DinoRavager · 13/08/2020 07:10

Why is strange that I’d speak with my friend over a guy I have casual sex with? I’ve known my friend for 15 years and we text most days. I’ve know this guy 7 months and I see him twice a month.

I don’t want to talk about the fact that I am often bleeding continuously for a month at a time. I don’t want a discussion and I don’t want questions about it.

And WTF is all this ‘mouthful of blood’ crap? There seems a real desire to dramatise the situation to something it’s not. I appreciate all answers here but I don’t see need for hyperbole.

I don’t use them on heavy periods - they wouldn’t work for that. I use them to get on with my live and not feel like I need to hide away for a month a time. They work.

OP posts:
Aridane · 13/08/2020 07:10

There is a Sex topic this might be better suited to —but then you have to have had your account for 30 days—

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 13/08/2020 07:25

@DinoRavager

The reason I’m skeptical about telling him as I’m having a hard time on the pill. I can have no bleeding for 6-7 weeks, but then continuous bleeding for 4 weeks straight. A lot of those days are light (today for example, a liner is enough) but regardless I don’t want to share that with him.
But he has the right to consent to sex under these conditions, or not.

Same as you have the right to give informed consent to sex.

He isn't consenting to having sex during your period because you aren't telling him. I do think people should be informed about something that could affect them during sex.

lobster12 · 13/08/2020 07:27

I would tell him, he might not be bothered but I would want to know. He probably thinks you don't meet up with him while on your period as you only meet twice a month.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/08/2020 07:37

I’m shocked that many posters don’t think the man should consent to period sex due to the increased risk of STI transmission from woman to man. Sex without a condom also increases risk of STIs, but we fully understand that both parties should consent to sex without a condom. The same should apply to period sex.

madcatladyforever · 13/08/2020 07:41

This thread prompted an internet search and I was amazed what you can get now for periods, I almost wish I still had them but at 58 I'm too old.

Aridane · 13/08/2020 07:53

@PlanDeRaccordement - only women are required to give informed consent, doncha know?

Original poster
DinoRavager · 13/08/2020 07:56

If you are suggesting I’m a troll, you are welcome to report.

There’s been a couple of insinuations that I might pass something on to him. Having a casual partner doesn’t mean I’m out having sex with other people, nor does it mean I’m any less fastidious about being checked between different partners.

Yes, there is a risk to me but that’s my judgment to make.

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 13/08/2020 08:01

@DinoRavager

If you are suggesting I’m a troll, you are welcome to report.

There’s been a couple of insinuations that I might pass something on to him. Having a casual partner doesn’t mean I’m out having sex with other people, nor does it mean I’m any less fastidious about being checked between different partners.

Yes, there is a risk to me but that’s my judgment to make.

What if he wouldn't have sex if he knew? Do you not think he has the right to give informed consent?
WaterOffADucksCrack · 13/08/2020 08:08

Well what I'm reading OP is that you don't believe in true informed consent.

BluebellForest836 · 13/08/2020 08:11

You already said an accident could happen with the sponge ... so it’s possible he could be giving oral and their be blood. Nothing dramatic about it.

If you can’t talk about a basic human function with a man you have been sleeping with for 7 months then you really need to grow up.

wildcherries · 13/08/2020 08:15

What if he wouldn't have sex if he knew? Do you not think he has the right to give informed consent?

Exactly this. YABU. Just tell him.

Original poster
DinoRavager · 13/08/2020 08:19

No, that’s a straw man argument as I’ve said no such thing. I’m querying whether periods need to be something to consent to. Bleeding during sex is something that could already happening. I, and I’m sure many posters, have unexpectedly had some spotting or started their period during sex. Yet I don’t usually get consent for that every time I have sex. In the same way, I consent to sex with condoms but understand they may split.

I’m not sure if it’s something to consent to as a) he really doesn’t know the difference and b) I don’t want to disclose my medical issues with my pill.

Reading the comments has been interesting and has made me pause and think, but it’s hard to take reasoning seriously when it becomes so hyperbolic (mouthful of blood, me passing STDs, etc) or ends up with straw man arguments (you don’t believe in consent).

OP posts:
Original poster
DinoRavager · 13/08/2020 08:24

And yes, I have had spotting with him before and he just cleaned up and didn’t mention it.

What I don’t want to do is mention it and then need to disclose it every time I’m having sex (so basically forcing the conversation of prolonged bleeding that I don’t want to discuss with him).

OP posts: