Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell him I'm on my period

352 replies

DinoRavager · 12/08/2020 16:19

I have a casual relationship. We meet up roughly every couple of weeks, go for dinner and go back to mine or his. We have a good friendship and enjoy each other's company, but it's not serious and we don't really talk in between meeting up.

I usually cancel if my period is heavy but if my period is light/medium, I just use a menstrual sponge and get on with things. I've never mentioned it to my casual and he doesn't know. It's never leaked or been a problem. If he did ask why I never seem to have a period I'd probably tell him, but I don't think it matters. He doesn't ask, I don't tell.

I was talking to a friend about it and she said it's unfair to have sex with him whilst on my period without his consent. I don't think my period is any of his business and if it makes no difference, he doesn't need to know.

YABU - He should know I'm on my period
YANBU - It's not his business

OP posts:
Original poster
DinoRavager · 12/08/2020 21:10

The reason I’m skeptical about telling him as I’m having a hard time on the pill. I can have no bleeding for 6-7 weeks, but then continuous bleeding for 4 weeks straight. A lot of those days are light (today for example, a liner is enough) but regardless I don’t want to share that with him.

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 12/08/2020 21:15

Nothing grim at all. Just normal sex and normal body functions.

namesnamesnamesnames · 12/08/2020 21:16

I don't see the big deal. What difference does it make? It's still her body. sex is still the same. Nothing whatsoever changes. So why the replies of 'grim' and mentions of consent etc?

WhereTheCrawdadsSing · 12/08/2020 21:20

@DinoRavager

The reason I’m skeptical about telling him as I’m having a hard time on the pill. I can have no bleeding for 6-7 weeks, but then continuous bleeding for 4 weeks straight. A lot of those days are light (today for example, a liner is enough) but regardless I don’t want to share that with him.
Oh is it the progestogen only pill? I had the same thing! What a pain. I had some other side effects and gave up on it in the end. Not helpful, sorry, but you have my sympathy!
Original poster
DinoRavager · 12/08/2020 21:25

@WhereTheCrawdadsSing - Yep, same pill. Every time I think I’m out of the woods I get hit with prolonged bleeding.

OP posts:
WhereTheCrawdadsSing · 12/08/2020 21:29

Ah jeez, that's crap op! I imagine you've tried everything else you're allowed to? I ended up giving up on hormonal contraception altogether, as had problems with all of them and just use barrier method now. But can understand why you'd rather double up on contraception.

Original poster
DinoRavager · 12/08/2020 21:48

Yes- combined pill, implant, injection. The coil was supposed to be next but my appt got cancelled during lockdown so I’ve persevered with the pill. I definitely preferred just barrier with my ex but I rather have the safety of having something else with a casual.

I’m sorry you went through it too. It’s a nightmare!

OP posts:
Justaboy · 12/08/2020 21:56

If shes bleeding then shes just bleeding i 'm sure her bloke should know that women do have such things happen.

Is shes OK about having sex when mensturating then fine, and if not then fine too. Known some women to like sex all the more during that time!..

WhereTheCrawdadsSing · 12/08/2020 22:03

Fingers crossed you have some luck with the coil. I had the same issues with the Mirena as I did with the mini pill btw, as it's the same hormone I think. Copper coil is hormone free I believe though, so if you have time to research and can choose, then maybe that would be one you could look into, if it isn't the one you were about to have put in.

It is rubbish! It's the unpredictability of it which I found so draining. Horrible.

Hope it gets sorted for you Flowers.

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/08/2020 22:09

I think you do need to tell him unless you are 100% using condoms. Mostly because risk of passing an STI on to him or from him to you greatly increases during your period. HIV/AIDS for example.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 12/08/2020 22:30

@DinoRavager

I like to use the sponges because there is zero mess. Yes, he does give oral and but not sure what the difference is tbh. I’m not any less clean because I have a period. My ex was always happy to go down on me using my mooncup and could never tell the difference (obviously other than me telling him so don’t use fingers, etc).

I’m quite well practised with the sponges now. I’ve tried them on heavier bleeds (alone, at home), and I know they aren’t suitable. They are great for lighter periods and really do the job - so I wouldn’t go for it if I suspected a leak, but of course accidents could happen.

(Not hairy handed btw - long time user with NC. Just genuinely interested as it hadn’t crossed my mind to inform him before).

Just because your ex was happy to do this doesn’t mean he is. By not telling him you’re taking away his choice and that’s not right. Why don’t you have a general conversation and tell him what you do when you’re bleeding and ask him what his preference is? If he’s ok with it carry on if not then you can adapt or tell him and he can make a choice.
Franklyfrost · 12/08/2020 22:37

Your partner should get to chose if they trust you enough to risk exposure to your blood through oral sex or if the condom breaks. It’s not up to you to make that choice for them regardless of whether you’ve had std tests or are entirely faithful. It’s very likely he wouldn’t have a problem with you using the sponge but it should still be his choice.

Hotwaterbottlelove · 12/08/2020 22:57

I'd consider this a consent issue OP. You compare it to other bodily functions like having a stomach ache but it isn't the same because during sex it is about two (or I guess more) bodies. He has a right to be fully aware of the sexual contact that he is taking part in. You are denying him the choice of deciding if he does or doesn't want to have sex with a woman who is on her period. It isn't up to you, or anyone else, to determine whether it matters to him. only he can decide.

If you don't want to tell him, you need to stop having sex with him when you have your period.

BluebellForest836 · 12/08/2020 22:59

To be honest the fact that you let him give you oral while you’re on a period and he doesn’t even know is vile. That is disgusting.

He should be able to make the choice or not on that front and it’s completely wrong that you won’t tell him.

BluebellForest836 · 12/08/2020 23:07

@namesnamesnamesnames - because some men do not like sleeping with women when they are on their period. It’s not rocket science. It can be messy and not many men find a period ‘sexy’.
Who wants to be giving oral and then getting a mouthful of blood if there was an accident or something went wrong with the sponge.

Voice0fReason · 12/08/2020 23:09

Why WOULDN'T you tell him?
I don't understand how you can be regularly having sex with this man without being able to tell him you have your period.

whiplashy · 12/08/2020 23:14

a lot of self hating women on this thread Confused

BonfireStarter · 12/08/2020 23:41

Yanbu OP. I agree a lot of women haters on here Confused

FWIW I havent tried the sponge but partners have been happy to have set even on period (obviously I've told them first so thry could decide if they don't mind blood, I'm not squeamish about it).

WaterOffADucksCrack · 12/08/2020 23:43

Would you want to swallow someone elses blood?

Please give him the chance to give informed consent. Me and my dp do it all the time but I still tell him every time I have my period.

I don't see how it's self hating for women to say they are or are not into sex on their period. Or to say if you're comfortable enough to have sex with someone you should be comfortable enough to say you have your period. It doesn't have to be some weird announcement. I find it more self hating for women to act like periods are some kind of secret!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 12/08/2020 23:44

Sorry "woman haters not self hating*. Doesn't change the content of my post though.

2bazookas · 12/08/2020 23:46

Sure, the risk of STDs during oral may be higher - but he’s the only person I have sex with so it wouldn’t be coming from me.

He's not the only person at infection  risk from oral during your period; you are too, because the cervix is slightly more open to let the blood out.
ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 13/08/2020 00:04

I can't understand why you wouldn't tell him or how it's never come up. Even more importantly I don't understand why you never want to tell him.

If it's no big deal then why the secrecy?

thecatinthetwat · 13/08/2020 00:16

I don’t think you have to disclose the whole bleeding on off etc. Just say next time ‘oh I’ll be on my period that weekend, I use a sponge thing (etc.) do you mind?’ Then you’ll know if he does or not.
If he does mind then you might need a re-think, given the bleeding you’re experiencing. Either he goes or the pill goes I guess, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
I don’t think you absolutely must tell him btw, but probably, it’s probably better to. I would imagine he would think you would and given he might expect you to bleed once a month, he might think you’re skipping those weeks, as you’re not meeting that often iyswim. Good luck op.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 13/08/2020 00:16

[quote bigcatlittlecatcardboardbox]@EatsShootsAndRuns I mean my friends and I talk about this kind of thing all the time. Better periods be a normal topic of conversation than hidden away and made into something taboo...it's literally just a normal bodily function. [/quote]
Did you bother to read what I actually put?

borntohula · 13/08/2020 00:33

I'd probably tell him just in case of leakage, I guess. Period sex is awesome, thank you hormones!