AIBU to not tell him I'm on my period

[DinoRavager]

I have a casual relationship. We meet up roughly every couple of weeks, go for dinner and go back to mine or his. We have a good friendship and enjoy each other's company, but it's not serious and we don't really talk in between meeting up.

I usually cancel if my period is heavy but if my period is light/medium, I just use a menstrual sponge and get on with things. I've never mentioned it to my casual and he doesn't know. It's never leaked or been a problem. If he did ask why I never seem to have a period I'd probably tell him, but I don't think it matters. He doesn't ask, I don't tell.

I was talking to a friend about it and she said it's unfair to have sex with him whilst on my period without his consent. I don't think my period is any of his business and if it makes no difference, he doesn't need to know.

YABU - He should know I'm on my period
YANBU - It's not his business

Why does anyone post in AIBU? To see what other people think. The counter arguments aren’t convincing because the arguments now seem to hinge on sex with a period being a sex act. It’s not. A concealed period isn’t even present in the act of sex to begin with (what we are actually talking about - not having sex with blood being present).

And yes - starting anal without consent is deviant. I’m only going by your examples.

starting anal without consent is deviant.I’m only going by your examples.
Ok so it's the lack of consent that is deviant.

Remind us all why you've spent a whole thread arguing that it's acceptable to trick a man into period sex without his consent then. After all, not getting consent from a sexual partner is deviant.

I'm only going with your words.

Do you think that every man or woman is happy to have period sex? If you don't then you have no right to hide something that he might possibly not want to participate in.

However you want to dress it up, period sex is a sexual act and he should be giving consent.

You keep saying that it is hidden and so doesn't affect him. What if the sponge got dislodged and came out? How might he feel? I don't believe that his penis isn't making contact with the sponge during sex. So there's no barrier between him and the blood necessarily. That's not right.

I honestly don't see why you are so resistant to asking him about this. If he's ok with it then no need to tell him about your month long period (ask him if he wants to know whether you are on or if he's ok to continue with you using the sponge without telling him). If he says he's ok but wants you to tell him each time then you either need to explain about your long periods or break up with him or make excuses not to see him for the duration.

A sponge doesn’t hide bleeding it might hold the blood it might not (

The man or woman who is going to engage in having sex with you I believe had the right to make the choice of they want to while you are bleeding

Many people find it a turn off which is their choice and perfectly acceptable or they might choose to not engage in oral sex again perfectly acceptable

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN
Exactly.It's really simple.

I have the right to decide what sex I want to engage with, if any, when I'm on my period. I have the right to have different boundaries depending on my flow, my mood, or simply because I'm just not feeling it.

My husband has the choice to decide what sex he wants to participate in when I'm on my period, if any. He has the right to have his own boundaries on different acts depending on flow and whether he's feeling it.

That's informed consent.

I can't imagine having such little respect for him that I'd take it upon myself to decide what he wants or prevent him making an informed decision.

@ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN

It’s just showing respect for him

You don’t seem to think that is necessary

Most disagree

As I said before even when I’ve used a cap I have always told partners I’m on my period (those I lives with would know anyway) the cap does collect all the blood unlike the sponge

It’s perfectly acceptable for a man not to want to have sex with a partner or not want to perform oral sex. Some may even want to be more gentle as they know more rigorous sex can be more messy others they won’t be bothered either way

Incorrect Most do not disagree

Just to say it again - I am going to ask him about it to gauge his response in the way I’ve already said - ‘it’s light, but there’s something I can use’.

But I still don’t think that a concealed period is a sex act that needs informed consent (because they fit under personal health and do not cause harm). You’ve decided it is, I’ve decided it’s not. If you look up periods you’ll see they come under personal health, not under diseases, nor sexual acts, nor anything else that causes harm to another individual.

Op I think these posters are arguing for arguments sake

It does not affect him as it would be unknown

It does not pose any risk to him

I would be asking for consent to potentially bloody sex each and every time if I went by these posters rules

It’s period shaming at its worst

@DinoRavager

Just to say it again - I am going to ask him about it to gauge his response in the way I’ve already said - ‘it’s light, but there’s something I can use’.

But I still don’t think that a concealed period is a sex act that needs informed consent (because they fit under personal health and do not cause harm). You’ve decided it is, I’ve decided it’s not. If you look up periods you’ll see they come under personal health, not under diseases, nor sexual acts, nor anything else that causes harm to another individual.

We aren't talking about periods though. We are talking about period sex. What does it say when you look up sex during a period? Pretty sure no articles will say it's a personal health issue that has nothing to do with your partner.

@Rebelwithallthecause

Op I think these posters are arguing for arguments sake

It does not affect him as it would be unknown

It does not pose any risk to him

I would be asking for consent to potentially bloody sex each and every time if I went by these posters rules

It’s period shaming at its worst

Yes, I agree. It feels like we’re just going round in the same circles with an awful lot of straw man arguments that have nothing to do with the facts of this situation.

Now we’re back to the ‘bloody sex’ thing which is irrelevant.

there is no law that requires you to reveal medical, health or personal conditions to sexual that do not harm your partner.

Actually the law sets out the fact that without informed consent you are committing a sexual offence.

You cannot 100% guarantee no harm when there is a chance (however small) they could come into contact with your blood - menstrual or otherwise.

The law is very clear that if there is something that might affect someone's choice as to whether or not they wish to have sex, then if you deliberately withhold that information you are committing an offence as assumed consent is not consent.

This article is interesting. Particularly the last paragraph

www.verywellhealth.com/sex-during-your-period-2721991

Interestingly it also explains that a sponge only soaks the blood up and doesn't collect it and also that it's important to discuss it with your partner ahead of time.

It does not affect him as it would be unknown

Just because he doesnt know about it doesnt mean it will not have an affect - ignorance is not consent.

From the responses I’ve read most seem to say he should be informed I didn't look at the voting

I know from experience that the sponge will not necessarily hold all the blood

There is nothing shameful about being on your period

As there is nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex while on your period or a partner not wanting to have sex while you are on your period or not wanting to perform oral sex as it’s normal and fine to want to

Periods can be messy and yes period blood can smell for some that’s off putting

And do find it a bit grim but some men really enjoy giving oral sex while women are bleeding because we taste different (I’m sure some women do too) it wasn’t a turn on to be told this maybe it is for some and that’s fine too

Rebelwithallthecause
Surely if it's a high chance everyone then you'd have a discussion where you outline your situation, say it's a high chance each time and agree with your partner that he's game unless he says otherwise. That way he's given informed consent and you both know what the score is.

Surely you wouldn't deliberately conceal the information and assume consent?

Believing that a sexual partner should be told that you are on your period before you engage in sex is the absolute opposite of “period shaming” it is acknowledging that periods happen, they are a normal bodily function and you are having one!

Not telling a sexual partner you are on your period because you are “embarrassed” or “it’s none of their business” is definitely period shaming !

Being on your period isn’t something to hide or conceal.

There’s nothing shameful about periods but YABU if you don’t tell him. Just so he’s prepared for blood. And gain his consent. If I’m not experiencing bad cramps then I don’t mind having sex, neither does my DP. Doesn’t bother either of us. I don’t know much about that sponge, but are there risks for having sex with it inside?

@CoolCatLady

Believing that a sexual partner should be told that you are on your period before you engage in sex is the absolute opposite of “period shaming” it is acknowledging that periods happen, they are a normal bodily function and you are having one!

Not telling a sexual partner you are on your period because you are “embarrassed” or “it’s none of their business” is definitely period shaming !

Being on your period isn’t something to hide or conceal.

I totally agree with this.

There is nothing shaming by saying " look I'm on my period, but I use a sponge, are you ok with that?"

Not wanting to discuss periods etc is period shaming.

If it's really not such a big deal, why not have the discussion?

Absolutely beyond disgusting.

There is nothing shaming by saying " look I'm on my period, but I use a sponge, are you ok with that?"
Totally agree with this. That way he can say yes, no, or I'm only up for certain things. Everyone can make an informed decision.

Surely it's period shaming to conceal your period like it's a dirty secret?

You still don't understand what informed consent is. If men had periods I'd want to know when they had it so I could make a decision in full possesion of the facts. I'd be ok with sex but I wouldn't want to give oral. Not knowing would be taking away my choices.

"I do however think it's sexually abusive to not allow someone to give informed consent."

From now on I will ask consent before kissing my boyfriend, hugging my mum, telling a friend they are pretty, flirting, making tea. I want written signed and dated documents before I smile at someone. There was blood on me when I was born And I was breastfeed! I didn't consent to that. I'm suing my mother!

This is everything that's wrong with the 'me too' movement. Minor interactions distract from the very real, brutal and scaring experience of already too many people. So sad.

Shit???! I didn't ask for consent this morning before touching my boyfriends penis..... I'm exactly the same as the 50 year old that raped me as a toddler 😩

Get a fucking grip people!

This is everything that's wrong with the 'me too' movement. Minor interactions distract from the very real, brutal and scaring experience of already too many people. So sad.
You're right! The #MeToo movement has gone wayyyy too far. It's totally stopped people saying hello to others, nobody can say anything nice to anyone, flirting is essentially illegal. It's all just soooo unbelievably confusing.

This is exactly what was being mocked on the Mash Report months ago:
m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=TMfStd3v330

HTH.