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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell him I'm on my period

352 replies

DinoRavager · 12/08/2020 16:19

I have a casual relationship. We meet up roughly every couple of weeks, go for dinner and go back to mine or his. We have a good friendship and enjoy each other's company, but it's not serious and we don't really talk in between meeting up.

I usually cancel if my period is heavy but if my period is light/medium, I just use a menstrual sponge and get on with things. I've never mentioned it to my casual and he doesn't know. It's never leaked or been a problem. If he did ask why I never seem to have a period I'd probably tell him, but I don't think it matters. He doesn't ask, I don't tell.

I was talking to a friend about it and she said it's unfair to have sex with him whilst on my period without his consent. I don't think my period is any of his business and if it makes no difference, he doesn't need to know.

YABU - He should know I'm on my period
YANBU - It's not his business

OP posts:
BluebellForest836 · 13/08/2020 08:29

A mouthful of blood is possible if he’s giving you oral, STDs are always possible. It’s all a real possibilities.

Considering you can’t seem to have a grown up conversation with him about anything you won’t know his stance on having sex when a women is already on her period.

There’s a difference between someone having sex and just starting to someone knowingly having sex with someone who’s already on and wearing a sponge and happy to receive oral when he may not be happy to give oral while that is the case.

Just grow up and tell him. I’m guessing it’s a man you’re having sex with and not a little boy so it won’t be a shocker.

fuckingcovid · 13/08/2020 08:33

I don't see any good reason why provided he isn't faced with blood and other messy substances. It's your body so it's up to you what you share.

User563420011 · 13/08/2020 08:35

I can't work out how he doesn't feel the sponge or it gets dislodged or something.

Original poster
DinoRavager · 13/08/2020 08:35

A mouthful of blood isn’t going to happen. It’s hyperbolic. I’m not having sex when there’s enough for a mouthful. Hmm I’m presuming you’ve never used the sponges but they really are great.

The only way I could transfer an STD is to pick one up in the first place. To do that, either I would need to have sex with someone else or he would have to give me one. If he gives me one, gets treated, doesn’t tell me and I pass it back, there’s definitely more serious issues here.

There is a difference between sharing that you have your period this week to ‘I bleed for a month at a time’. The first one is an open/close discussion - the second invites further questions. I don’t want to talk about it.

OP posts:
CandleWick4 · 13/08/2020 08:42

Mumsnet never fails to surprise me. Are there really people out there that would reconsider a partner because they wouldn’t want to have sex while they’re on their period?
I don’t understand how someone can’t see why a man wouldn’t want to have sex while his partner is bleeding? I can’t think of anything less sexy than foreplay and sex while bleeding.

Pumpkinnose · 13/08/2020 08:43

I think carry on as you are. He sounds great, he’s not made an issue when you’ve been spotting. Have fun and enjoy x

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 08:55

Totally unhelpful comment but I can’t get my head around people having sex when they’re on their period. I honestly couldn’t think of anything I would rather do less then have sex while I’m bleeding.
Can’t you just say ‘I’m on my period but if you don’t mind I don’t’.

I like sex when im on my period. I wouldn't let someone go down on me though. Especially without their knowledge. He may not be bothered- but he may be, and he has a right to informed consent.
I agree with the suggestion above you could phrase it like, "BTW, im on, but its only very light so it doesnt bother me if it doesnt bother you".

People would be up in arms if a man was withholding information like this from a woman.

Rebelwithallthecause · 13/08/2020 08:59

I feel sorry for all the women out there who bleed between periods and therefore have to abstain or let their partner know each and every time. How demoralising for them

It’s no increased risk of STI to a man, what a scaremongering silly post.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 09:03

Why on earth is it demoralising? If your having sex with a condom, then whatever maybe not mention it. But they have a right to know if theyre giving oral. If youve told them once and they werent bothered then you obviously dont have to mention it again.

Quirrelsotherface · 13/08/2020 09:04

Ewww.

Rebelwithallthecause · 13/08/2020 09:34

Op wasn’t talking about oral though
Don’t know why people keep mentioning it

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 09:44

@Rebelwithallthecause

Because she specifically mentioned it, it just wasnt in the first post.

Yes, he does give oral and but not sure what the difference is tbh.

AllsortsofAwkward · 13/08/2020 09:49

I think its grim to be honest especially a casual partner. He should know. I was mortified when me and my husband were having sex and I came on, I just don't think its hygienic

shinyredbus · 13/08/2020 09:53

Will he give you oral?

Original poster
DinoRavager · 13/08/2020 09:54

[quote Wavescrashingonthebeach]@Rebelwithallthecause

Because she specifically mentioned it, it just wasnt in the first post.

Yes, he does give oral and but not sure what the difference is tbh.[/quote]
Because it was brought up, repeatedly.

And I don’t see what the difference is. No mess, no smell, no less clean (apparently all things people who haven’t used sponges are assuming). Either you think I need consent because of my period regardless of what we are doing or you don’t. It’s a a red herring to use one sex act as justification if you don’t think it matters in penetrative sexual.

OP posts:
Original poster
DinoRavager · 13/08/2020 09:57

Periods are no unhygienic. If you have a problem with having sex on your period that’s absolutely your prerogative but can we stop this misogynistic tropes about periods being unclean, dirty, gross, etc.

And on the flip side, if you do feel all these things about periods perhaps you could understand why I don’t want to discuss month-long bleeding with anyone.

OP posts:
Rebelwithallthecause · 13/08/2020 09:58

@AllsortsofAwkward

I think its grim to be honest especially a casual partner. He should know. I was mortified when me and my husband were having sex and I came on, I just don't think its hygienic
It’s perfectly hygienic

How do people not mind other sexual bodily fluids but cross the line at blood?!

Rebelwithallthecause · 13/08/2020 09:59

@DinoRavager

Periods are no unhygienic. If you have a problem with having sex on your period that’s absolutely your prerogative but can we stop this misogynistic tropes about periods being unclean, dirty, gross, etc.

And on the flip side, if you do feel all these things about periods perhaps you could understand why I don’t want to discuss month-long bleeding with anyone.

Indeed

I blame those damn sanpro adverts with blue liquid instead of red blood

We’ve been conditioned to it being seen as disgusting or dirty or wrong

It is not

Rebelwithallthecause · 13/08/2020 10:03

I wouldn’t worry op about the extreme responses against.
The poll shows 74% are in favour

The polls are handy to show what most people think as once people start coming out with such rediculous beliefs the reasonable people don’t bother commentingv

laceandpaperflowers · 13/08/2020 10:14

agree with others, would never have casual sex without a condom -

I read somewhere youre more at risk of getting HIV when youre on your period - not sure how

also, if getting the sponge out is tricky you may break the skin/cause small injury without knowing that makes it easier for HIV/hep C to enter your blood stream

Mammyloveswine · 13/08/2020 10:23

Op it's fine, also to the pps not reading the thread, op is using condoms ffs!

I had similar bleeding on the progesterone only pill... could only have one type of pill which was discontinued.

I'm also getting the coil fitted.

laceandpaperflowers · 13/08/2020 10:52

@Mammyloveswine

condoms dont give 100% protection against contracting STIs either

Mammyloveswine · 13/08/2020 10:59

@laceandpaperflowers I never said they did but op has said she isn't having sex with anyone else, as far as she is aware neither is her sexual partner. They are using condoms, she uses a sponge if she has a light period or spotting.

I don't think it's a big deal at all!

For all I know my husband could be out having numerous affairs and putting me at risk as we do not use condoms. I trust he is not though!

Should the op not be entitled to a sex Life because she's not in a serious relationship?

TallFriendlyGinger · 13/08/2020 11:20

I think you're fine OP. You're on a light cycle so not much blood anyway, the sponge keeps it all away, you're clean, using condoms - I don't see the issue here, theres no difference between having sex normally. For those commenters saying "Ew, gross, unhygienic, unclean, mouthful of blood" etc. grow up and stop acting like periods are embarrassing and disgusting. Period sex may not be for you but it's not ok to shame people. And mouthful of blood is ridiculously hyperbolic, you don't spray out blood on your period like a drinks machine.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 13/08/2020 11:31

The issue isn't having sex while using the sponge, its taking away his choice to consent. Going by how he has reacted to previous spotting, he will probably be fine with it but he does have a right to know. You don't need to tell him everytime but you should talk to him about his feelings on using the sponges.

I see it as no different to discussing other preferences in the bedroom.