AIBU to not tell him I'm on my period

[DinoRavager]

I have a casual relationship. We meet up roughly every couple of weeks, go for dinner and go back to mine or his. We have a good friendship and enjoy each other's company, but it's not serious and we don't really talk in between meeting up.

I usually cancel if my period is heavy but if my period is light/medium, I just use a menstrual sponge and get on with things. I've never mentioned it to my casual and he doesn't know. It's never leaked or been a problem. If he did ask why I never seem to have a period I'd probably tell him, but I don't think it matters. He doesn't ask, I don't tell.

I was talking to a friend about it and she said it's unfair to have sex with him whilst on my period without his consent. I don't think my period is any of his business and if it makes no difference, he doesn't need to know.

YABU - He should know I'm on my period
YANBU - It's not his business

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras totally agree.

Get it's a casual thing, but surely you've had discussions as to what your both ok with/turn off/ turn on's op?

Likely he would be fine with it though.

"Likely" isnt good enough. Informed consent is not optional.

He needs to have the informations so he can choose to participate (or not) before it happens, but after.

whistlestopsong
The uproar is because some people, including the OP, seem to think that informed consent doesn't matter and are going as far as to suggest anyone who believes in informed consent has internalised misogyny, is thinking about consent the wrong way, thinks periods are gross and is period shaming.

Whereas the quite boring reality is that some of us think that:
Some folk enjoy period sex
Some don't
Some do but under certain conditions

and all of those decisions are valid because we have this beautiful thing called consent where everyone has the right to choose what they wish to participate in, and the right to say no.

I find the 'I believe in informed consent but... This type of sex doesn't count / they don't need to know / I don't think there are 'genuine reasons' / they probably won't mind so I'll assume they consent' to be quite concerning.

Either people have a right to decide what sort of sex they participate in or they don't.

I’ve never objected about informed consent - I’m objecting that a period he doesn’t know about is not something that falls under that umbrella. It is my personal health - not his. If it’s something that is a dealbreaker for him he can bring it up.

Let’s say I don’t want to have sex with someone who has IBS. Or anxiety. Or any other number of things. I’ve not said that it’s a problem for me so the person I’m having sex with has no idea - but that doesn’t mean someone has to reveal their entire medical history to me so I can make an informed decision. Someone would only have to actively declare an illness or disorder to me if it puts me at danger - otherwise the onus is on me to state that there’s something that is a dealbreaker.

And periods ARE the same as any other personal issue. It’s not something I need to disclose unless I know it’s a problem for him - but in this case he needs to ask for that information.

but in this case he needs to ask for that information.

That makes no sense. How can he ask about something that he doesn't know is happening?

Or do you mean he should be declaring "Oh, I hate period sex so you have to tell me if you're on" or something similar?

Yes, I do mean that. If it’s something that bothers him he can tell me. In the same way that I wouldn’t know if someone had a particular medical condition, but if it bothers me I’d need to mention it.

The way periods are being portrayed here is like they’re a STI and I’m covering that up. My view is that periods are not like that and are more like a personal health issue (especially in my case with prolonged bleeding for a month at a time).

@DinoRavager

Yes, I do mean that. If it’s something that bothers him he can tell me. In the same way that I wouldn’t know if someone had a particular medical condition, but if it bothers me I’d need to mention it.

The way periods are being portrayed here is like they’re a STI and I’m covering that up. My view is that periods are not like that and are more like a personal health issue (especially in my case with prolonged bleeding for a month at a time).

But it isn't the same thing at all.

You are saying it's a personal health issue and you shouldn't have to tell him but I think you do have to tell a sexual partner about personal health issues that might affect them - so you don't have to declare hidden issues that have no way of affecting the other person but I think you do have to share health issues that have the potential to affect your partner. Periods is one such thing.

He should have the choice whether to do this or not and you are hiding this from him and not disclosing that this is happening.

My period is hidden and not going to affect him. That was always the question. I’m not talking about actually bleeding on him - I’m talking about an effective barrier on a light period.

So it’s the same. It’s a hidden condition.

@DinoRavager

My period is hidden and not going to affect him. That was always the question. I’m not talking about actually bleeding on him - I’m talking about an effective barrier on a light period.

So it’s the same. It’s a hidden condition.

The blood is still there though. A sponge is not water proof is it? Touching the sponge will release some blood so his body is coming into contact with it, without his consent.

If you don't think it's an issue why don't you tell him? After all, it's not an issue according to you, so no reason to hide it?

Personally, I don't want to come into contact with blood during sex, either knowingly or unknowingly and I would be beyond angry if my husband deceived me in this way.

It’s just showing respect for him

You don’t seem to think that is necessary

Most disagree

As I said before even when I’ve used a cap I have always told partners I’m on my period (those I lives with would know anyway) the cap does collect all the blood unlike the sponge

It’s perfectly acceptable for a man not to want to have sex with a partner or not want to perform oral sex. Some may even want to be more gentle as they know more rigorous sex can be more messy others they won’t be bothered either way

A period is not a hidden condition. It is a fact of life that women have periods.

One second periods are totally natural, there's no need to give a partner the right to choose whether he wants sex with someone on their period, and anyone suggesting otherwise is comparing periods to STIs, thinks they're gross and is period shaming. The next the OP is claiming that periods are a hidden condition and a personal health issue so there's no need to give a sexual partner the right to choose.

The best bit is that it's apparently on a man to explicitly outline that he doesn't want to take part in a form of sex and in the absence of any discussion it's reasonable to assume they consent.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble
The OP is clutching at straws now as their definition of informed consent now seems to be 'assume a sexual partner is up for any sexual activity unless the specifically say otherwise'. In other words, it's not informed consent.

Can you imagine 'my husband has never said he doesn't go for prostate play so I thought nothing about penetrating him with a finger, I don't see why I should have checked he was open to the idea before doing it. He wasn't happy about this. AIBU to think it really is his responsibility to give me a list of everything he isn't interested in. It's not my responsibility to get consent.'?

Or the reverse 'I was in the middle of sex with my husband when he started doing some anal play. It's not something we've ever spoken about and I think it's something we should have discussed first. He said that because I hadn't specifically told him that anal play doesn't appeal to me that he was totally in his rights to assume I'd like it.'

Would the OP be telling the woman in the second example that it was her responsibility to outline her lack of interest in a sex act and that the husband was totally reasonable in assuming consent because his wife hadn't given him a list of things she doesn't want?

Most do agree with me according to the poll.

And it is an issue for me as I don’t want to talk about the prolonged bleeding. It wouldn’t be a problem if I had a normal cycle.

If this is about showing respect then the natural consequences is that you should disclose any medical condition as they may affect your partner. Even non medical things - I’d have to tell him when I have PMS which is usually fine, but there is a chance I’ll be overly emotive and I might end up crying randomly - affecting him our relations. So better give him a heads up just in case.

My period is a condition. Bleeding for 4 weeks at a time is not a ‘normal’ period.

It’s ironic you say clutching at straws, accuse me of straw man arguments and then end up with that conjecture. What you have described are actual examples of assault. I’ve not discovered a single case where a concealed period is considered the same thing.

Why are you embarrassed to discuss your period with someone you are letting penetrate your vagina?

Do you think periods are dirty and shameful?

And you are suggesting that there’s something deviant about periods - the STI has come up repeatedly, now you are comparing it to actual sexual abuse.

I don’t think they fit in that category. They fit under other ‘personal health’ conditions. I used the example of erectile disorders earlier and was told that they don’t need to be declared beforehand. Something that would affect the partner - but that’s okay. If someone is so repulsed by blood then they need to say that in ‘what do you like, what do you not like’ conversation.

@CoolCatLady - I’ve actually addressed that before (see earlier posts), so I’m well aware you are being goady.

But just to go over it again - I have no problem discussing ‘normal’ periods but I don’t want to talk about my prolonged bleeding because unsurprisingly, it’s not something that makes me happy. I don’t want his sympathy (which is what he’ll do initially), nor do l want to invite a further conversation about how the pill has affected me. Nor do I want to go into a conversation about all the other things I’ve tried. It’s personal and I don’t want to talk about it with him.

No just suggesting it’s respectful to inform the person you are sleeping with you are bleeding be that a normal period cycle or not a normal period cycle

I would always mention it as I think it’s showing respect towards the person I am going to have sex with (man or woman) and I would expect the same back (from a woman obviously)

I am aware many do not want to have sex with their partner when a woman is bleeding and that I find perfectly acceptable why would I not

So now you think that periods are a health condition? I thought you said they were a normal bodily function?

Erectile function isn't the same thing at all. For a start off there's no health implications for a partner and secondly it isn't hidden so even if the partner has some personal objection to having sex with someone with ED it will at least be obvious that it's happening so that they can then decide whether to continue.

You are actively deceiving him here and he is never being given the choice. How many times has he unknowingly had period sex with you?

Sorry, I should have said ‘personal health’ umbrella but I couldn’t think of the right term.

Of course I don’t think periods are a condition. But a 4-week one is.

And there’s no health implications for my partner too (as stated, repeatedly - but see how we keep returning to the STI thing?)

The examples I give are issues of consent.

You've just said that it's the responsibility of a man to tell you in advance if he doesn't want to take part in a sex act and that it's totally reasonable to assume consent.

I'm pointing out why your attitude to consent is problematic as your whole approach seems to be 'I believe in informed consent but...

• not if it's linked to anything natural (though for some reason a man ejaculating in someone's mouth is different as it's just men who aren't allowed to decide what bodily fluids they want in their mouth)
• not if I don't think there's a 'genuine reason' to give someone information that might affect their decision
• not if I have decided the sex act is no big deal
• not if I have decided that I'm happy with the chances of blood being involved (again your sexual partner doesn't seem to get to decide what he would be happy with)
• not if he didn't tell me in advance that he doesn't like sex during a woman's period
• if a man doesn't specifically say he isn't interested in period sex then it's totally fine to assume he consents

Which is it?
Either:

1. Everyone has the right to consent or decline any sex act for any reason they choose, and they have the right to make informed decisions about any sex act (and that includes having sex with someone on their period)

Or

1. Everyone doesn't have the right to give free, informed consent because there's a whole set of exemptions that each individual is free to decide (which in your case is deciding to prevent a man from making an informed decision about period sex, but could equally be any other sexual act that someone wants to assume consent for).

You're trying to have it both ways and it doesn't work.

Either everyone has the right to informed consent and can refuse any sex act at any time, or you don't believe everyone has the right to informed consent and can refuse any sex act at any time.

You can try and justify it however you like OP but at the end of the day you need to woman up and get over your embarrassment of talking about periods.

I genuinely can’t get my head round the fact you let this guy stick his penis in you but you are too scared to tell him when you are on your period, what’s that all about ? Or are you worried that because sex isn’t on the menu he won’t come see you ?

And you are suggesting that there’s something deviant about periods
I'm not.

But it's interesting that you seem to consider examples involving anal play to be deviant, whereas for other people that would be an element of their sex life that they consider to be quite normal. Just like some people are totally cool with period sex and others aren't. It's a wonderful part of life that different people like different things in the bedroom.

Yet again believing everyone has the right to give free, informed consent to ANY sex act is not being anti period, it's not being internally misogynistic, it's not period shaming, it's not saying periods are deviant, it's not saying periods are gross.

It's just saying that anyone can consent or decline any sex act.

A) Sex with someone on their period when it’s hidden isn’t a sex act. You’ve decided that - it doesn’t mean that it is.

B) A period is an aspect of personal health. If you have to declare one aspect, then you’d need to declare every aspect.

C) there is no law that requires you to reveal medical, health or personal conditions to sexual that do not harm your partner.

D) a hidden period does not harm a partner.

If you are so sure OP why did you post in AIBU?

Just own it OP: you don't believe that every adult has the right to give informed consent