AIBU to not tell him I'm on my period

[DinoRavager]

I have a casual relationship. We meet up roughly every couple of weeks, go for dinner and go back to mine or his. We have a good friendship and enjoy each other's company, but it's not serious and we don't really talk in between meeting up.

I usually cancel if my period is heavy but if my period is light/medium, I just use a menstrual sponge and get on with things. I've never mentioned it to my casual and he doesn't know. It's never leaked or been a problem. If he did ask why I never seem to have a period I'd probably tell him, but I don't think it matters. He doesn't ask, I don't tell.

I was talking to a friend about it and she said it's unfair to have sex with him whilst on my period without his consent. I don't think my period is any of his business and if it makes no difference, he doesn't need to know.

YABU - He should know I'm on my period
YANBU - It's not his business

@melj1213

When you declare/ don’t declare something during sex - it unfair it’s because it puts the other partner in detriment. This does not. He still gets to have sex. He has NO negative impact from it. Absolutely zero.

THAT IS HIS DECISON TO MAKE. YOU DO NOT GET TO CHOOSE WHETHER HE IS OKAY WITH IT.

INFORMED CONSENT IS NOT OPTIONAL

And I don’t think this is something that falls under the bracket of informed consent. Periods are not a sex act. They are bodily function.

If I was taking pills specifically to delay my period by a day - should I tell him? If I’m not bleeding at the moment, should I tell him it’s possible? If I had spotting in the morning but nothing for the rest of the day, should I tell him? Where do I get to keep it private - or is my cycle always up for discussion now?

And if we’re talking about it, I have a lot of discharge during ovulation. Should I make sure I get informed consent over that too?

The thought that having to tell him I have a light period he didn’t need to know anything about is ONLY because you find periods gross and ‘abnormal’. If you found it no different from discharge or pre-ejaculate this wouldn’t bother you.

Oh dear. Now it's internalised misogyny for believing that all adults have the right to give informed consent, and we've got people seriously trying to argue that a period showing up unexpectedly is the same as knowing you're on your period, knowing not everyone digs period sex and deciding a sexual partner doesn't need information to give informed consent before he just doesn't and anyway you lot blabbering about consent are period shakers.

Give me strength.

Welcome to 2020, where some people still have issues getting their heads around the fact that consent means anyone has the right to say no to any form of sex at any time and be given the information to make an informed decision.

Hilarious autocorrects. Definitely not period shakers.

I'm still perplexed that there's so many adults who think that people have to have a 'genuine reason' to not want sex.

Right.

Hypothetically- my partner is on medication that may make him lose his erection but it’s not a certainty. Should he have to tell me so I can give informed consent - or is that his choice to make as its his personal information?

I don't understand why you wouldn't just be open about it. This sponge thing sounds gross. Loads of guys don't care about sex during periods. It's just not a big deal.
I would, however defo be thinking about STIs when I comes to casual relationships.

Another straw man here from you OP, just like the prostitute questions and the 'you think periods are gross and are period shaming'.

Losing an erection is not the same as knowing& you are on your period, bleeding and choosing_ to prevent a partner making an informed choice about whether they wish to risk blood being involved in sex.

Some people are fine with period sex.
Some people are fine with period sex, but only on light days.
Some people aren't fine with period sex.

It doesn't matter what they choose because all are valid sexual choices. It's someone's informed choice whether to take part or not.

No, a straw man argument is one like the hyperbolic ‘mouthfuls of blood’. Or STIs.

This is a comparison and it’s a fair one. If he knows that the medication could affect his erection then on the same note, I have a right to informed consent.

But I don’t think I do, because it’s personal information. As is my period.

This sponge thing sounds gross. said no woman ever. Many women use a cap, especially since the contraceptive sponge is no longer available.

Do women have to warn men that they may start menstruating during sex?

FFS I cannot understand why you think informed consent is optional or why you are trying to justify not giving someone the option to withdraw consent.

I have PCOS - my period can show up any time any where, but knowing my own body there are a few small indicators that let me know it is a possibility I may start my period on any given day. I would (and did with ExH) let any partner know it was a possibility. Sometimes he was fine to take the risk, other times he decided he wasnt comfortable with it and we'd do other things instead. Regardless of which this is a totally different scenario because the OP is knowingly and willfully concealing a period she knows she is having before engaging in sexual activity.

Why would someone need to get consent for potentially losing their erection? That isn't a consent issue and again you are trying to obfusticate the point.

Some people are fine with period sex.
Some people are fine with period sex but only on certain times and just because they are OK once doesnt mean they always will be.
Some people are not fine with period sex at all (which can be for any reason and they do not have to justify themselves)
ALL people have the right to decide if they want to participate.

It is their right to have all pertinent information when making their decision to give consent. By deliberately withholding information you know may change his mind about wanting to have sex with you then you are the one in the wrong.

You can create all the strawman arguments you like but even the law is clear on the fact that without informed consent you are committing a sexual offence.

Blimey

Period shaming at its finest

@DinoRavager

And here's the crux - I don't feel there's anything weird or strange about menstruating, just like I don't think there's anything wrong about men ejaculating (or pre-ejaculating). It's normal.

I'm not 'exposing' anyone to period blood, but if there was an accident, it's something you should reasonably consider when choosing to have sex with a woman - women sometimes bleed.

This thread seems to be focusing on the idea that there's something inherently 'gross' about bleeding, which is why it seems to be constantly compared to STIs.

Great. That's your opinion. Other people might have a different opinion and that's their prerogative. You don't have the right to remove choice from your partner and his option to give consent.

Some women don't want men ejaculating in their mouths - that's their right to make that choice. Would you support a man ignoring that and doing it anyway because he doesn't have a problem with it and thinks it's natural?

@DinoRavager

When you declare/ don’t declare something during sex - it unfair it’s because it puts the other partner in detriment. This does not. He still gets to have sex. He has NO negative impact from it. Absolutely zero.

If there is nothing wrong with having a period, why dont you want to tell your sexual partner when you have one

Because, as mentioned numerous times, I don’t want to discuss how my contraception (which is to his benefit) is causing me to bleed for a month at a time. Whilst my period has zero effect on him, it does have a sad and detrimental effect on me and I don’t want to share it. But I have already said, repeatedly, that I would raise it as a one-off incident to see what his reaction is and decide on my future with him.

What I’m gauging for some of these responses are two-fold.

A) the constant, repeated comments about STIs imply that people think I may have one (despite me saying repeatedly that I’m tested and know that I do not). Why do with think that is? Could you imagine those comments coming up if someone had the same thread about their husband?

B) the implication that sex on a period is something ‘abnormal’ or ‘gross’, therefore consent must be required. Why is that? What is so disgusting about bleeding?

I have done this before with my casual several times. He has a great time, as do I, and nobody is bothered. No fallout, no detriment to him. I actually don’t think it’s going to make him happier to know because even if he is (and I suspect he will be) cool about it, it’s now always going to be at the back of his mind whilst before it was easy, fun and uncomplicated.

It does have any effect on him - he's having period sex without consent.

Period shaming at its finest

It is not period shaming. It is informed consent, or lack thereof, which in this case is related to the OP not informing their partner of their period. Change the period to any other consent issue and it is exactly the same situation and is not "shaming".

Period shaming at its finest
Of course, saying that some people like period sex, some people don't, and some people like it only under certain conditions is absolutely period shaming.
Saying that a whole range of sexual choices, including sex on periods, are absolutely ok is period shaming.

It's not period shaming or saying periods are gross for believing everyone has the right to choose.

I love how (topic)-shaming seems to be the go to claim to try ad remove people having bodily autonomy.

Nobody has to have sex or engage with any sexual acts that they don't want to: including period sex. Informed consent is informed consent, not 'informed consent, unless I think you might decline in which case you have no right to information that might change your consent', not 'informed consent, but if you don't want to engage in a sex act I enjoy then you should be guilt tripped, called names and be branded intolerant or misogynistic for believing in bodily autonomy'.

@DinoRavager

Right.

Hypothetically- my partner is on medication that may make him lose his erection but it’s not a certainty. Should he have to tell me so I can give informed consent - or is that his choice to make as its his personal information?

A) losing an erection is not the same thing

B) you would at least know it was happening. I think you concealing your period adds another level to this because he is being repeatedly deceived. At least if you didn't hide it he would know about it and could then express his views rather than be tricked into having sex that he might not want

Whilst it should be your choice, if a man was put off by knowing perhaps he is not for you.

Well it's pretty obvious you still do not want to tell him or think he has a right to know. So I don't see the point of this thread, when you are counteracting every argument with "I don't think so" and " I don't wanna".

It's your attitude and way of thinking that's off putting, not period sex.

It's your attitude and way of thinking that's off putting, not period sex.

Yep, if I found out someone I was having sex with was concealing something because they thought it would change whether I wanted to have sex with them I would no longer trust them.

If the OP is willfully "concealing" their period in case it affects whether their partner wants to have sex what else might they conceal in future?

I would always say something and I often use a cap

Some men do not want to have sex when their partner is on her period (never myself experienced this) this shouldn’t be a problem either way as some women dotn like to

And of course some will not want perform oral sex which I can understand. Though only had one ex who didn’t others haven’t cared and you adjust how you do it. I don’t bleed that heavily either

Why is it suddenly the trend to get everyone to agree to things they aren’t sure about by saying if you aren’t fully on board then you are “shaming” ?

Periods aren’t dirty and they aren’t anything to be afraid of, but blood certainly isn’t a turn on for me and I can fully understand why men or women wouldn’t want to have sex if blood is going to be present.

And I don’t understand how you can share your body with someone but be too embarrassed to say “I’m on my period - is that a problem for you sex wise ?”

Surely the fact you can’t bring yourself to discuss your periods is “period shaming” ??

I have said, many times, that I’ll mention it on a one-off situation to see what his feelings about it are. That’s been completely ignored (just like the STI implications and that I’m discussing the actual situation - no blood is involved).

That however doesn’t mean I need to agree with the responses here. There seems to a trend on threads that if you don’t change your mind, there was no point of posting. But actually it could just be that your arguments are compelling or strong enough.

There’s been a lot of straw man and ad hominem arguments to try and change my mind. Any hypotheticals I’ve made to make the same case elsewhere haven’t even been addressed. Hence why I don’t buy the reasoning.

It’s light bleeding into a sponge at the cervix wall. There is no blood present anywhere near my clitoris. I have agreed it could be a possibility but have also confirmed that it’s more likely I would start spotting or begin my period randomly than leaking from the sponge. In which case I would need to tell him every single time that there is a chance I could bleed as the chance of unexpectedly bleeding greatly outweighs the chance of leaking. But you are also arguing that I don’t need to tell him that. So which is it?

@DinoRavager

I have said, many times, that I’ll mention it on a one-off situation to see what his feelings about it are. That’s been completely ignored (just like the STI implications and that I’m discussing the actual situation - no blood is involved).

That however doesn’t mean I need to agree with the responses here. There seems to a trend on threads that if you don’t change your mind, there was no point of posting. But actually it could just be that your arguments are compelling or strong enough.

There’s been a lot of straw man and ad hominem arguments to try and change my mind. Any hypotheticals I’ve made to make the same case elsewhere haven’t even been addressed. Hence why I don’t buy the reasoning.

It’s light bleeding into a sponge at the cervix wall. There is no blood present anywhere near my clitoris. I have agreed it could be a possibility but have also confirmed that it’s more likely I would start spotting or begin my period randomly than leaking from the sponge. In which case I would need to tell him every single time that there is a chance I could bleed as the chance of unexpectedly bleeding greatly outweighs the chance of leaking. But you are also arguing that I don’t need to tell him that. So which is it?

Then you have a conversation about period sex and his views on it. If he says that he's got no problem with it and he doesn't care and isn't fussed about knowing then you don't need to tell him anything more.

If he says that he isn't sure about it then I'd say that you need to tell him that you don't always know it's going to happen and it could be unexpected and go from there.

These are the conversations that need to be had about sex surely? You work out what you are both happy with, if there are any absolute red lines etc.

it’s more likely I would start spotting or begin my period randomly than leaking from the sponge. In which case I would need to tell him every single time that there is a chance I could bleed as the chance of unexpectedly bleeding greatly outweighs the chance of leaking. But you are also arguing that I don’t need to tell him that. So which is it?
Yawn.

Any man having sex with a woman knows there is a chance her period could arrive.

That's not the same as a woman knowing she is on her period, taking steps to minimise the blood and deliberately concealing the fact she is on her period in order to prevent a man giving informed consent or choosing to refrain froms exuql activity.

One of those situations involves deliberate deception.

Some men do not want to have sex when their partner is on her period (never myself experienced this) this shouldn’t be a problem either way as some women dotn like to
This 100%.
Different people like different things in the bedroom and the beauty of informed consent is that everyone has the right to participate in things they like and refrain from things they don't.
Why anyone would want to take that freedom away from someone else is beyond me.

I have said, many times, that I’ll mention it on a one-off situation to see what his feelings about it are. That’s been completely ignored

Because you are ignoring the fact that that is not how informed consent works.

He has a right to choose not to have sex with you for any reason - including that you are on your period - and therefore has a right to know about anything that might affect whether he is 100% happy and willing to participate.

You are not ging him a favour by informing him. It is his right to know so that he can give informed consent or use that information to withdraw his informed consent.

I can't believe the uproar on here. I suppose you did ask.

Personally, just the thought of sticking a sponge up there is giving me serious heebie jeebies, the thought makes me want to jump out my own skin !! I have a long term partner and unless my period is really heavy we just have sex regardless. He wouldn't give oral to me during it, but then he hardly ever gives me oral anyway .

It's a case of each to their own though, do what you like. I completely understand why you don't want to give him details about your health issue with prolonged bleeding. I wouldn't either.

I think you're perfectly fine not to mention it, but be aware that if he finds out he may be a little freaked out. Likely he would be fine with it though.