AIBU to not tell him I'm on my period

[DinoRavager]

I have a casual relationship. We meet up roughly every couple of weeks, go for dinner and go back to mine or his. We have a good friendship and enjoy each other's company, but it's not serious and we don't really talk in between meeting up.

I usually cancel if my period is heavy but if my period is light/medium, I just use a menstrual sponge and get on with things. I've never mentioned it to my casual and he doesn't know. It's never leaked or been a problem. If he did ask why I never seem to have a period I'd probably tell him, but I don't think it matters. He doesn't ask, I don't tell.

I was talking to a friend about it and she said it's unfair to have sex with him whilst on my period without his consent. I don't think my period is any of his business and if it makes no difference, he doesn't need to know.

YABU - He should know I'm on my period
YANBU - It's not his business

how is this still going lol

Because the OP seems to think that informed consent for her partner is optional because she has decided what she wants to do.

PlanDeRaccordement
It's brilliant isn't it.

I especially like the fact that just because someone had tea last week doesn't mean they'll want tea today (see also just because someone responded reasonably to a partner's period showing up doesn't mean they want to be sexually intimate when someone is on their period).

melj1213
Correct.

Shall we start applying the 'i don't think it's a big deal and I can't think of a genuine reason' logic to other situations and see how acceptable people find them:

'AIBU to think I don't need to ask my partner before I ejaculate in her mouth? I can't help ejaculating and it would be a bit awkward to check how she feels about it, and anyway there's no negatives that I can think of for my partner so why would I even need to ask'

'AIBU to think my partner should accept me doing (insert sex act / position that isn't particularly niche) during sex because I can't think of a genuine reason why I'd need to check if it's something they're into'.

'AIBU to think my husband disrespected my boundaries? He went for something during sex without warning me and I felt really uncomfortable with it. When I asked why he didn't check I consented to it, he said that I didn't mind something similar a few weeks ago and I was thinking of consent in the wrong way'.

Consent is a one way street

never stopped the oral side of things either. It’s a basic bit of biology and only a bit of blood

I refuse to believe that there are people out there who have full oral sex while on their period?? I’m sorry but yuck! When I’m on my period it’s heavy and there are clots and the thought of DH giving me oral and getting that all over his face is vomit inducing

I actually completely agree with you @CandleWick4. When my period is heavy, there is no way in hell I want someone down there - even if they are into it.

But my whole thread has been about light, liner (or free flow) type periods that are frequent and prolonged. With the sponge, nobody knows because it is light enough. It doesn’t bleed through. Accidents could happen - but that’s going to be because my flow unexpectedly changes. In the same way that with infrequent periods I may also unexpectedly spot or come on (something that has happened).

I have (several times now) agreed to suggest it to him on a one-off occasion to see what his response will be. If he’s cool with it then great, I probably won’t mention it again. If he’s not, I may have to reconsider if this is a casual relationship that can work for me with my current problems.

However, most of the counterargument has hinged on oral sex and thinking (for some bizarre reason), I’m likely to be having a heavy enough period to leave him with mouthfuls of blood. That isn’t even close to the reality. If (and big IF) something was to go wrong it’s closer to the actual realities of sex - nails catching and causing a scratch, a lip bitten slightly too hard, etc. So the reason I’ve not changed my mind readily is that extremes are being presented as solid reasoning rather than actually talking about the reality of the situation.

Love the people who get outraged that you discuss things like that with their friends. Seems like a normal thing to me. We need to normalise talking about our bodies.

As or you OP, I would not disclose unless it came up.

@Midnight0

Love the people who get outraged that you discuss things like that with their friends. Seems like a normal thing to me. We need to normalise talking about our bodies.

As or you OP, I would not disclose unless it came up.

I agree

So the reason I’ve not changed my mind readily is that extremes are being presented as solid reasoning rather than actually talking about the reality of the situation.

The reality is that you are not informing your sexual partner of something that may affect whether or not they want to have sexual contact with you which denies them the right to withdraw their consent based on the full facts.

The fact that it is a "negligible" risk is irrelevant, it is not 100%safe and therefore he should be informed so that he can make an informed decision of what he is comfortable with. It is not your decision to make.

If he is not fully informed then he is not giving informed consent.

As or you OP, I would not disclose unless it came up.

So would you be ok for someone you are having sex with to not disclose they have an STI unless you asked directly?

Because that is the same thing - withholding information that might change someone's decision on whether to have sexual contact with their partner.

And now we have someone comparing menstruation, a normal, healthy function, to an STI
Women hating from women. Far more disgusting than a period.

I like it when men are into period sex, i find it sexy if they are relaxed, unbothered and cool about it. And I also find it very unattractive if they are not. So for that reason I personally would probably discuss it. But I dont think you are under any obligation to, periods can start at any time and often do, so that is an implicit risk you are taking having sex with a woman.

However, most of the counterargument has hinged on oral sex and thinking (for some bizarre reason), I’m likely to be having a heavy enough period to leave him with mouthfuls of blood. That isn’t even close to the reality
The point isn't that your period is the same as oral sex.
The point is that consent for any sex act matters and should be informed and anyone has the right to consent or not consent to bodily fluids being in their mouth or not.
How bloody difficult is it to understand that someone has the right to decide what goes in their mouth?

@HotSauceCommittee

And now we have someone comparing menstruation, a normal, healthy function, to an STI Women hating from women. Far more disgusting than a period.

Going to the toilet is also a normal healthy function. Is that ok during sex?

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

I like it when men are into period sex, i find it sexy if they are relaxed, unbothered and cool about it. And I also find it very unattractive if they are not. So for that reason I personally would probably discuss it. But I dont think you are under any obligation to, periods can start at any time and often do, so that is an implicit risk you are taking having sex with a woman.

And men ejaculate during sex. So women have no reason to not like it in their mouths presumably? Is that a risk we accept when having oral sex?

And men ejaculate during sex. So women have no reason to not like it in their mouths presumably? Is that a risk we accept when having oral sex?
After all it's totally natural, and there's no harm done, and no genuine reason why a man should seek consent on this matter.

I'm guessing that for some posters on this thread informed and enthusiastic consent only matters on one direction.

@LolaSmiles

And men ejaculate during sex. So women have no reason to not like it in their mouths presumably? Is that a risk we accept when having oral sex? After all it's totally natural, and there's no harm done, and no genuine reason why a man should seek consent on this matter.

I'm guessing that for some posters on this thread informed and enthusiastic consent only matters on one direction.

Exactly.

@HotSauceCommittee

And now we have someone comparing menstruation, a normal, healthy function, to an STI Women hating from women. Far more disgusting than a period.

But it is true that period sex increases the risk of STI transmission between partners who have agreed to not use condoms. And given that 10% of people lie about their STI status, it’s a real risk. By not even telling a man you are on your period, you are assuming consent to a sex act that has a higher risk of STI transmission than the sex he has actually consented to.

www.healthline.com/health/womens-health/sex-during-periods
“Another worry about having sex during your period is the risk of spreading a sexually transmitted infection (STI) like HIV or hepatitis. These viruses live in blood, and they can spread through contact with infected menstrual blood. Using condoms every time you have sex can reduce your risk of spreading or catching an STI.”
“Using protection will also guard you against STIs. Not only can you catch an STI during your period, but you can also more easily transmit one to your partner because viruses like HIV live in menstrual blood.
Have your partner wear a latex condom every time you have sex to reduce your odds of getting pregnant and catching an STI.”
“Be open and honest with your partner. Tell them how you feel about having sex during your period, and ask how they feel about it. If either of you is hesitant, talk about the reasons behind the discomfort.”

However, most of the counterargument has hinged on oral sex and thinking (for some bizarre reason), I’m likely to be having a heavy enough period to leave him with mouthfuls of blood

No it hasn’t. Most of the counterargments have centered on

• the fact you’re not getting informed consent for a specific sex act

And

• said sex act increases the risk of STI transmission to your partner of especially HIV and hepatitis (which are asymptomatic for long periods and thus most often passed on by partners who think they are sti free) and you are engaging in it without him even being aware of his increased risk.

And we're back to the STI thing. I've already said, more than once, than he's my only partner and I'm knowingly clean. It's got fuck all to do with the issue of whether concealed bleeding is a problem or not in this situation.

- said sex act increases the risk of STI transmission to your partner of especially HIV and hepatitis (which are asymptomatic for long periods and thus most often passed on by partners who think they are sti free) and you are engaging in it without him even being aware of his increased risk.

Seeing as I have said (repeatedly) I'm clean, it sounds like you are suggesting I could be a carrier regardless. Is that because I mentioned 'causal'?

Omg at using a sponge to 'hide' a period ...periods are not gross or disgusting and any decent man will be happy to have sex with a menstuating women

But basically yes - the arguments are hinging on oral sex (would it matter if I didn't have... at his request?) or STIs.

What if I could reassure you for the 1000th time that I am in fact clean (despite not having a committed relationship) or that I'm not actually that bothered with the oral so would skip it for PIV (he does it because HE enjoys it - not because I ask for it). Does that change matters or not? Because everyone seems to be talking about 'oral' consent but nobody seems to give a fuck about a man 'unknowningly' having sex with a woman who might be light bleeding.

@LolaSmiles

And men ejaculate during sex. So women have no reason to not like it in their mouths presumably? Is that a risk we accept when having oral sex? After all it's totally natural, and there's no harm done, and no genuine reason why a man should seek consent on this matter.

I'm guessing that for some posters on this thread informed and enthusiastic consent only matters on one direction.

Of course its a risk, actually more than a risk, its a certainty, ejaculate drips out constantly during oral sex. And if you don't want a mouthful then stop before that point. Does that really need saying? What a weird comment.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo
Not weird at all.

I was taking the mick out of the OP's (and other posters') claims that they can't think of a genuine reason why someone should be informed about totally natural things because it's natural and there's no risk.

Some of us think that all adults have the right to make an informed decision about their sex life and that includes making an informed decision about what risks they want to take regarding bodily fluids.

Unfortunately, some people on this thread think that all adults don't deserve the right to make informed consent (because they think a man has no right to know if he's risking blood contact with someone else, it's none of his business and they can't think of a 'genuine reason' why he should have information to make an informed decision)

It's a fairly sad state of affairs when someone's desire for a shag apparently trumps someone else's right to freely give informed consent.