AIBU to not tell him I'm on my period

[DinoRavager]

I have a casual relationship. We meet up roughly every couple of weeks, go for dinner and go back to mine or his. We have a good friendship and enjoy each other's company, but it's not serious and we don't really talk in between meeting up.

I usually cancel if my period is heavy but if my period is light/medium, I just use a menstrual sponge and get on with things. I've never mentioned it to my casual and he doesn't know. It's never leaked or been a problem. If he did ask why I never seem to have a period I'd probably tell him, but I don't think it matters. He doesn't ask, I don't tell.

I was talking to a friend about it and she said it's unfair to have sex with him whilst on my period without his consent. I don't think my period is any of his business and if it makes no difference, he doesn't need to know.

YABU - He should know I'm on my period
YANBU - It's not his business

Because everyone seems to be talking about 'oral' consent but nobody seems to give a fuck about a man 'unknowningly' having sex with a woman who might be light bleeding.
Nobody seems to be giving a fuck about it?

Funny that several people have spoken about consent and informed consent.

Like this reply from me:

People don't need a reason to refrain from a sexual act other than 'I don't want to'.

People have a choice whether to engage in sexual acts.
People have a choice on any sexual play.
People have a choice whether they want sex on their period.
People have a choice whether they want to engage in sexual activity with someone on their period.

Whatever their decicion, no explanation is needed, no justification is needed, no 'genuine reasons' are needed.

I've said several times that ANY person has the right to give informed consent to ANY sexual activity.

If you don't believe that adults have the right to make informed decisions about participating in sexual acts then that's on you, but spare those of us that do care about consent the 'you don't give a fuck about... You're thinking about consent wrong'.

There are frequently threads where posters feel upset because their partners have gone to do things in the bedroom and assumed consent. Their partners are out of order for doing that because EVERYONE has the right to informed consent. Everyone. Including your partner.

Men ejaculate
Women menstruate

Both of these things can happen during sex without the person necessarily having any control over it.

If you need this explaining to you and/or you cant handle it, you are probably not ready to be having sex.

Use condoms for protection against STIs. HTH!

@TotorosFurryBehind

Omg at using a sponge to 'hide' a period ...periods are not gross or disgusting and any decent man will be happy to have sex with a menstuating women

Seriously? Don't be fucking ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with any man who DOESN'T want sex with a woman on her period. It's a choice. To say they’re not decent because they don't want it is beyond stupid. Doesn't matter that it's natural. A man ejaculating is natural, some women don't like it in or on them, some don't like the taste - nothing wrong with those women. It's preference - that everyone (Even Men!) have a right to.

OP, I realise it's a small issue for you. But the basis of other's arguments is your partner doesn't have all the facts before agreeing to sex with you. That is the point of consent. It may not be compared to rape or anything more 'serious' but the same message is there. Even if you think he'll be okay with it, you’re not giving him a choice of chance to say no. 🤷🏼‍♀️

everyone seems to be talking about 'oral' consent but nobody seems to give a fuck about a man 'unknowningly' having sex with a woman who might be light bleeding You need to be getting informed consent for any sexual act OP. Whether you are a man or a woman.

Informed consent means giving consent in full posession of all the facts. It's really concerning that anyone needs that explaining to them. My partner is more than happy to have sex when I have my period. I still inform him every single time. Just because he's been happy to do so every time so far doesn't mean that he can't change his mind or will continue to be happy with it. As a rape survivor informed consent is very important to me in all aspects of my life. But full informed consent should be part of any sex you have with anyone every time. It should be automatically sought. It shouldn't need spelling out to anyone.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo
If you can't see the difference between an unexpected situation where someone comes on their period mid sex and knowing they're on their period and deliberately removing the ability for their partner to give informed consent to sex then that's concerning.

Save the patronising HTH.

I can't believe it's 2020 and grown adults can't get their heads around informed consent.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

Men ejaculate Women menstruate

Both of these things can happen during sex without the person necessarily having any control over it.

If you need this explaining to you and/or you cant handle it, you are probably not ready to be having sex.

Use condoms for protection against STIs. HTH!

It's not the same comparison though, is it? Ejaculation is a direct result (presumably) of sex for men. A woman's period isn't triggered by sex. So unless your period is completely abnormal (which the OP's isn't) or you don't keep track of it (most women seem to) then there isn't a comparison. You go and have sex with a man and expect ejaculation. You don't go into sex with a women and automatically expect her period. Yeah, sure it's THERE but it's not the direct result of sex.

And here's the crux - I don't feel there's anything weird or strange about menstruating, just like I don't think there's anything wrong about men ejaculating (or pre-ejaculating). It's normal.

I'm not 'exposing' anyone to period blood, but if there was an accident, it's something you should reasonably consider when choosing to have sex with a woman - women sometimes bleed.

This thread seems to be focusing on the idea that there's something inherently 'gross' about bleeding, which is why it seems to be constantly compared to STIs.

This thread seems to be focusing on the idea that there's something inherently 'gross' about bleeding
It's not about periods being gross.

It's about EVERYONE having the right to give informed consent to ANY sexual activity.

It doesn't matter whether it's sex on your period, sex when your partner is on their period, sex using every position in the Karma Sutra, introducing sex toys, making a sex tape, whatever goes on between two freely consenting adults is entirely up to them.
The central issue is that both parties have the right to give informed consent and both parties have the right to refrain for any reason because 'I don't want to' is all that matters.

How is this so difficult to understand?

Well that's your internalised misogyny that deems a mans bodily fluids an expected part of sex, but a woman's are not.

Im peri menopausal so I dont know when or if I will get a period. In fact sex has been one thing that seems to bring it on. The OP has clearly stated more than once her period is completely abnormal too due to the pill.

So you can settle for being ashamed of your body and what it does and think of it as dirty or whatever.

Or you can expect equality and acceptance. HTH.

If you are concealing your period then you are wilfully and knowingly withholding that information. Since that information is relevent to whether or not your partner can give informed consent, the fact you are concealing it means your partner is denied the opportunity to consent.

If you deliberately withhold information someone needs in order to make an informed choice about what they do with their body then you do not have informed consent.

I don't feel there's anything weird or strange about menstruating, just like I don't think there's anything wrong about men ejaculating (or pre-ejaculating). It's normal.

If it's so normal why arent you getting informed consent from you partner to engage in it? You are the one concealing the information and withholding your partner's right to choose what sexual activity he knowingly and willingly participates in.

Or you can expect equality and acceptance. HTH.

Equality means that both parties get to decide what sexual activity they participate in.

If the OP doesnt tell her partner when she is on her period (that she knows she is having before she engages in sex, so it is neither a surprise nor an unknown factor) then she does not give him the information he needs to give informed consent. Where is the equality when his right to decline is removed as he does not have all the facts? How can he accept and agree to something he hasnt been informed of?

He consented to sex. He did not consent to period sex because he wasnt given the information to make that decision and therefore was unable to give informed consent. Where is the equality?

Informed consent should be got from every partner for every sexual encounter and to do that they need all of the relevent information.

I have never once had a man ask my permission specifically for him to ejaculate prior to having sex.

I am not offended by this because it is normal. As a grown up I know it is implicit in giving consent to sex itself that body fluids will be involved, ejaculate being only one of several I can think of.

You are singling out menstruation because you think its dirty and there is something wrong with it. At least own that.

You are singling out menstruation because you think its dirty and there is something wrong with it. At least own that.

No, we are singling out menstruation because it is not a normal part of sexual intercourse (and it is the point of the thread) and therefore informed consent needs to be obtained in order to include it.

If I consent to sex with someone, then there is an "expectation" of certain bodily fluids to be natùrally involved. Blood is not one of them - menstrual or otherwise - so a partner should be informed if there is going to be blood involved so they have the choice of whether they are OK with it or if they would rather not participate.

No, we are singling out menstruation because it is not a normal part of sexual intercourse

Most women (if not having the problems I have) bleed 1/4 weeks. Bleeding is not abnormal. The fact that we are even having this discussion is the implication that there's something wrong with having a period.

If I consent to sex with someone, then there is an "expectation" of certain bodily fluids to be natùrally involved. Blood is not one of them - menstrual or otherwise

And as I've already said, with a sponge blood isn't actually present. It's a lot of people who have never used them arguing that blood will be there. It's not. They do actually work to contain light flows.

Bleeding is not abnormal.

It is in the context of sexual intercourse unless it has been discussed and your partner has consented to have sex with you while you are menstrauting.

If you withhold that information then you are removing their right to make an informed choice of whether they want to have sex whilst you are menstrauting.

The fact that we are even having this discussion is the implication that there's something wrong with having a period.

If there is nothing wrong with having a period, why dont you want to tell your sexual partner when you have one so that they can make an informed choice as to whether they want to have sex with you?

with a sponge blood isn't actually present. It's a lot of people who have never used them arguing that blood will be there. It's not. They do actually work to contain light flows

And as has been pointed out repeatedly, that does not take away your partners right to make an informed decision as to whether they want to partake in sexual intercourse with you on occasions when you are menstruating, regardless of your choice of sanitary product.

When you declare/ don’t declare something during sex - it unfair it’s because it puts the other partner in detriment. This does not. He still gets to have sex. He has NO negative impact from it. Absolutely zero.

If there is nothing wrong with having a period, why dont you want to tell your sexual partner when you have one

Because, as mentioned numerous times, I don’t want to discuss how my contraception (which is to his benefit) is causing me to bleed for a month at a time. Whilst my period has zero effect on him, it does have a sad and detrimental effect on me and I don’t want to share it. But I have already said, repeatedly, that I would raise it as a one-off incident to see what his reaction is and decide on my future with him.

What I’m gauging for some of these responses are two-fold.

A) the constant, repeated comments about STIs imply that people think I may have one (despite me saying repeatedly that I’m tested and know that I do not). Why do with think that is? Could you imagine those comments coming up if someone had the same thread about their husband?

B) the implication that sex on a period is something ‘abnormal’ or ‘gross’, therefore consent must be required. Why is that? What is so disgusting about bleeding?

I have done this before with my casual several times. He has a great time, as do I, and nobody is bothered. No fallout, no detriment to him. I actually don’t think it’s going to make him happier to know because even if he is (and I suspect he will be) cool about it, it’s now always going to be at the back of his mind whilst before it was easy, fun and uncomplicated.

When you declare/ don’t declare something during sex - it unfair it’s because it puts the other partner in detriment. This does not. He still gets to have sex. He has NO negative impact from it. Absolutely zero.

THAT IS HIS DECISON TO MAKE. YOU DO NOT GET TO CHOOSE WHETHER HE IS OKAY WITH IT.

INFORMED CONSENT IS NOT OPTIONAL

And here's the crux - I don't feel there's anything weird or strange about menstruating, just like I don't think there's anything wrong about men ejaculating (or pre-ejaculating). It's normal. Neither do I. I do however think it's sexually abusive to not allow someone to give informed consent.
You seem to be refusing to acknowledge informed consent though which is incredibly disturbing.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

I have never once had a man ask my permission specifically for him to ejaculate prior to having sex.

I am not offended by this because it is normal. As a grown up I know it is implicit in giving consent to sex itself that body fluids will be involved, ejaculate being only one of several I can think of.

You are singling out menstruation because you think its dirty and there is something wrong with it. At least own that.

That depends though. If your having intercourse and it happens ejaculation... however someone may not want it in their mouth!

There’s a big difference. Also HIV & aids to be considered... it’s disgusting of OP I don’t know why anybody is arguing with the facts here.

I really hope my daughter doesn’t grow up with the feelings of periods being dirty

The argument here as always has been taken off on a tangent and forgets the point that You can not ask for informed consent when you yourself do not know your period will happen or if there would be blood

My period stops and starts for days

I abstain on heavy days as is my personal choice but I will not be shamed into thinking some potential light bleeding is anything dirty

Cervical erosion also means that I can bleed during intercourse

That is not something I can ask consent form each time

‘Do you consent to sex to day because your massive cock bashing my cervix may make me bleed?’

There are menstural cups that are made for use during sex

The whole advertising campaign is that you don’t need to stop shagging during your period as your partner would never know

Nothing about needing consent

What a ridiculous argument this has become

‘There’s no shame in being a woman’
#whilebleeding

All those women with PCOS who’s cycles are totally random, potentially weeks or months late at a time - should they too ask consent ever day they are late in case the start during sex?!

Arguing for argument sake from the period shamers here

All those other women that don’t have PCOS and ovulate which causes mid cycle bleeding - should they also ask consent each time they have sex in the middle of their cycle in case it’s ovulation day?
I certainly wasn’t able to predict very well my date of ovulation and would have to ask each day for nearly 2 weeks if so