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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU ExP treating former step children differently

282 replies

Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 19:52

Short backstory, I have 3 children with ExH and 1 shared child with ExP, ExP also has a daughter (my SD). ExP has been there since older DCs were toddlers until he walked out 4 days before Christmas (whole other thread)

Since then he has only been interested in DS (his son), ExH treats all 5 children the same but ExP pretends mine don't exist.

He takes his son and daughter out regularly to the park, fishing, family days out - all of which I dismiss to the DCs and point out we don't have to do everything the same but here comes the sticking point... A while ago ExP took DS to the cinema, he burst through the door shouting "I went to the cinema" meanwhile the DCs had been at home while I was at work. I took ExP to one side and said would it have been too much to include them? He has space in his car, I would have happily paid and they would have loved it. He apologised and said he'd think first next time. I took this as he would include them with big days out, just like I always and still do include his daughter (we're talking trips he didn't come on I would get my dad to take a child to free up space for SD). I'm not quibbling the weekly contact, just when there's a big day out they might be included, you know he was their father figure for how many years? He might have a slight affection for them like I wouldn't buy ice creams for my children but not the neighbour who's come round to play.

Fast forward to this weekend, DS bursts in the door "I've been to the beach" cue 3 crestfallen faces! I stepped outside to ask what's going on and he is completely unrepentant "they're nothing to do with me" "they have their own dad" "I'm a good dad" he fails to see their gutted faces and bewilderment. They've only ever known everyone is included, no one is left out. When one gets invited to a party they know their time will come later in the year, they know if one gets a medal at school if they work hard enough they might too. They're not entitled in the slightest so am I being unreasonable to expect him to show an ounce of compassion for them?

Not to drip feed but this is not about me, I don't want to be included in these days out, I don't expect him to pay for anything, just when it's a big day out include all the siblings (bearing in mind DD and SD were best friends throughout school and she still comes around here)

OP posts:

snitzelvoncrumb · 12/08/2020 01:13

Its a shit thing to do, and you are right to be disappointed for your children. But it is what it is, and all you can do is cushion the blow for them. I would talk to the kids about and make sure they know its not because they aren't awesome kids, it's a failing of ex, aren't they lucky they can go to the beach with you, or even play up how fantastic their bio dad is. With regards to the step daughter, I would take a step back. Absolutely stay in contact, but slowly decrease it over time and carefully unblend the family over the next few years. I hope it works out xx

Original poster

Sofiasamulet · 12/08/2020 01:18

@TooTTootY

Anyway, as I say, you're clearly only interested in hearing that you are not being unreasonable and I imagine will continue to badger your exP into apologising for taking his own children out for the day when you and your ex are perfectly capable of doing the same for your older children if you wanted to.

Okay TooT I've agreed with you

Not arguing with anything you've said

Certainly not badgering him for an apology, quite the opposite

This got really weird

OP posts:

Original poster

Sofiasamulet · 12/08/2020 01:21

@snitzelvoncrumb

Thank you Snitz this is definitely my intention after tonight xx

OP posts:

wombat1a · 12/08/2020 01:28

Think you are being unreasonable there, things are very different for DexH and DexP DexH adds one kid to the three he is already taking - once you have 3 having 4 isn't much more of a stretch. DexP is adding 3 kids to 1, that is a very very different dynamic.

It would be great if he did take them all but they are not his.

Candyfloss99 · 12/08/2020 01:44

This is the most ridiculous and entitled thing I've ever read.

flyingant · 12/08/2020 02:22

Sofiasamulet it think it's absolutely admirable how you are treating all the siblings as one unit and I am sure they will each appreciate this as they get older. It's a shame for your younger children to be left out when the others are with their dad but I'm sure you could balance it out by making sure they are having fun experiences too, albeit without the other 2 siblings. They will all grow up seeing how fairly they have been treated by you and they will also know that you are not responsible for how they are treated by the Exp.

Haenow · 12/08/2020 02:44

@Sofiasamulet

How old (roughly) are your kids?

ThatsNotMyNameItsTooFluffy · 12/08/2020 03:14

You need to set up the access days and duration wherever possible to coincide with your other three seeing their Dad at the same time.
Your son then sees his Dad and half-sister. You end up yourself with some time away from all four at home. Nobody gets jealous and because you were/continue to be a decent step mum, your stepdaughter also gets invited to hang out/have tea 1x a week/when it fits with her Mum/your ex.
Did your ex in-laws have much to do with their step grandchildren or are they also non-contact now? Has your ex already got a gf in tow or lined up? How old are all the children/from what age to what age?
Have you made it clear you'd cover expenses for the extra three?
As others have said, you cannot force a relationship or custody agreement on someone who no longer sees them as tied to him: It's a shame they are left adrift like that if relationships had been good up to that point.
But to also put it in perspective - my erstwhile partner never took all of our children out at the same time - and they were biologically his/we 'only' had three of them. He just couldn't/wouldn't do it if I wasn't there. It was one of the things I would argue about. Some fathers are paternally ambivalent/lazy feckers...so looking back, if you did and organised much of family time when he was with you, he's unlikely to step up when he only has moral rather than legal obligation.
Your ex husband on the other hand sounds awesome

SunbathingDragon · 12/08/2020 03:56

It’s a shame that after eight years, he doesn’t want to maintain much/any of a relationship with the children he was (presumably, or else you would have said) a decent father figure to. However, despite everything else we are in the middle of a pandemic and he should not be coming into your house (unless you are a bubble, which again you would have said) and mixing four households isn’t acceptable.

ZigZagPlant · 12/08/2020 06:54

Hope going forwards this thread has been of use. Sounds like you’re all finding your feet with the new arrangement.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 12/08/2020 07:13

Oh dear, what a fucking mess.

I'm a child of a blended family. My step Dad had 2 ex wives that he had DC with, then had DC with my Mum. They divorced after 14 years.

I still spend time with my ex step Dad, he was a big part of my life and he still is. I still my step siblings regularly.

The difference is, I was 24 when they divorced, my step siblings in their 30s and my half siblings were teens, so we are able to conduct our own relationships with each other and my ex step Dad.

In fact, it really fucking pisses my Mum off that we are all in contact still, she thinks we should all be NC now I find it hilarious that she forced a blended family on us, had more kids then expected us to just not talk to my step Dad or his DC once she decided she was done with the marriage.

How old are all the children in question here? You've established quite a strange dynamic here and now you are going to have to unpick it and minimise damage to all DC. Thats what your energies should be focused on.

BluebellForest836 · 12/08/2020 07:19

I agree it would be nice if he offered but there’s being nice and then there’s an extra 3 kids nice Which is a different kettle of fish and even as a women I’m not willing to take 5 kids to the beach etc and make my life harder when I don’t have to.

Your older DC will have to learn that there will be times that he gets to do stuff they haven’t and visa versa. Sadly when there are so many kids involved that’s just how it goes.

Besides better it happens now then when he meets someone new

1AngelicFruitCake · 12/08/2020 07:20

I think it’s great you take your SD out with you and your EXH sounds amazing!
Did you not think this might happen when you had a child with your partner?

KatherineJaneway · 12/08/2020 07:34

TooT I would love to sit here and say I will just take the older DCs to the beach but DS would be gutted we went without him. Take them visiting or shopping or sightseeing oh yes, DS couldn't give a fig and I happily take them....

But your DS will have to get used to that. Sometimes he gets a great beach day out while his siblings are home, other times you take older siblings to the beach and he and his Dad go to the park.

You seem to be tying yourself in knots making everything equal when it can't be with your setup.

slashlover · 12/08/2020 07:43

So you can't do anything with your three oldest because it might upset DS?

Knocka · 12/08/2020 07:44

OP, you say ‘he adopted them and walked off into the sunset’, when it’s precisely the case that he didn’t ‘adopt them’, because they already had and have two involved parents. The uncomfortable truth is that he had a relationship with your children only because, and while, he had a relationship with you. You clearly believed that he would want to continue a relationship with them after his relationship with you ended, but realistically this seldom happens, or lasts for long when it does — and usually, as a pp said, it involves older or adult children who can see their mother’s ex independently.

I can appreciate you’re sad that a longterm involved adult has apparently dropped your kids, but I think your expectation that he disregards biology in favour of seeing five children on the same terms because your other ex does is a bit mad. You’d do better to have a conversation about them missing him, than casting it in terms of days out from which they’re excluded.

rayoflightboy · 12/08/2020 07:45

@Sofiasamulet why doesnt your exh take your kids when your exdp takes your son.
That way all your kids have a great day out.And no ones nose is out of joint.And you get a child free day.

Plus i gather your older dc are probably teenagers,and dont want to do the same stuff as younger dc.

GarlicMonkey · 12/08/2020 07:57

I know this is an unpopular opinion but I think it's a poor life lesson for children to always expect equal treatment with siblings. It tends to create people who base their happiness on comparisons with others.

AllsortsofAwkward · 12/08/2020 08:03

You dont say how old you're older dc are but guessing atleast 9 years upwards as you're relationship lasted 8 years. They are more than old enough to understand the dynamics and that youre youngest has had time with his df, why shouldn't he speak about it having a good time your ds has. My ds is older went away with his df so we took the youngest away for the night to see the zoo. As other people stated youre oldest have their own df and you youre ds has you and his df he shouldnt have to share him. Neighbours and nieces/nephews arent comparable. I asked how youre relationship broke down but you didn't answer was it in regards to the dc.

Drumple · 12/08/2020 08:06

I just can’t get my head around this at all. My ex has remarried. His new wife has 3 kids. My partner has 2. I have 3. So that’s 8 kids I’m supposed to take to the beach on my own.

Why can’t any of these kids do anything with just their dad or just their mum and why are the ops own 3 older children stuck in the house waiting for the golden ds to arrive home before they can do fun stuff. And that’s how they’ll see it and that in itself is a way to breed resentment. And that’s on the op.

Plus her older children must be at least 9, 10 and 11 (or older) if her now ex partner was in their lives for 8 years.

I’m so glad I never got involved with anyone til my youngest was 16.

picklemewalnuts · 12/08/2020 08:17

What's the situation with grandparents? It's a lot of people, families, cultures for children to negotiate. It's like the Warsaw Pact for a child I know. Bio Mum and her wife, bio dad, all have involved parents and grandparents so she has hoards of people competing to see her in her birthday week. Contact weekends cut down the time she can spend at home. That's just one change of partner.

Beautiful3 · 12/08/2020 08:24

Yabu. They are not his kids. You have split up. Of course he will treat his children by taking them out. Your other kids have their father to do that with. Your ex husband doesnt take the ones that arent his out does he?!

PixieLee123 · 12/08/2020 08:26

OP your sarcastic niece/nephew comment shows just how immature you actually are here. You have posted on AIBU, the majority have said you are so you come back with stroppy responses like that because you don’t like what you are hearing. Take the feedback on board and stop emotionally guilt tripping your exP, he is doing nothing wrong.

Pebblexox · 12/08/2020 08:33

Yabu. Yes it upsetting for your children that their sibling is getting a fun day out, but that's where you need to step in an ensure you're doing stuff with them.
They aren't his children! It's so entitled of you to think that just because your ex takes his own child he should then have to have full responsibility of 3 children who aren't his, and he no longer has a parental figure relationship with.

TooTTootY · 12/08/2020 08:35

Your ex husband doesnt take the ones that arent his out does he?!

Yes, apparently the ExH takes OPs DS (with her exP) and her ex-DSD because it's 'fair'.

Really weird set up.

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