AIBU ExP treating former step children differently

[Sofiasamulet]

Short backstory, I have 3 children with ExH and 1 shared child with ExP, ExP also has a daughter (my SD). ExP has been there since older DCs were toddlers until he walked out 4 days before Christmas (whole other thread)

Since then he has only been interested in DS (his son), ExH treats all 5 children the same but ExP pretends mine don't exist.

He takes his son and daughter out regularly to the park, fishing, family days out - all of which I dismiss to the DCs and point out we don't have to do everything the same but here comes the sticking point... A while ago ExP took DS to the cinema, he burst through the door shouting "I went to the cinema" meanwhile the DCs had been at home while I was at work. I took ExP to one side and said would it have been too much to include them? He has space in his car, I would have happily paid and they would have loved it. He apologised and said he'd think first next time. I took this as he would include them with big days out, just like I always and still do include his daughter (we're talking trips he didn't come on I would get my dad to take a child to free up space for SD). I'm not quibbling the weekly contact, just when there's a big day out they might be included, you know he was their father figure for how many years? He might have a slight affection for them like I wouldn't buy ice creams for my children but not the neighbour who's come round to play.

Fast forward to this weekend, DS bursts in the door "I've been to the beach" cue 3 crestfallen faces! I stepped outside to ask what's going on and he is completely unrepentant "they're nothing to do with me" "they have their own dad" "I'm a good dad" he fails to see their gutted faces and bewilderment. They've only ever known everyone is included, no one is left out. When one gets invited to a party they know their time will come later in the year, they know if one gets a medal at school if they work hard enough they might too. They're not entitled in the slightest so am I being unreasonable to expect him to show an ounce of compassion for them?

Not to drip feed but this is not about me, I don't want to be included in these days out, I don't expect him to pay for anything, just when it's a big day out include all the siblings (bearing in mind DD and SD were best friends throughout school and she still comes around here)

Just looking at the thread title too.

How can he be treating his former stepchildren differently when he’s under no obligation to take them out? All he’s doing is taking his children out for the day. He’s not treating any other children differently because he doesn’t owe them anything.

I bet he wasn’t allowed any time quality time somewhere with his children when he was in a relationship with you was he? I can just see that.

You need to manage their expectations and stop blurring the boundaries. They have their dad and he has his. Your son shouldn’t have to be quiet or hide what he has done, that’s not fair to him. You choose to have more children with a new partner so knew surely that there would be differences especially if you split.

Why on earth should your ex boyfriend take out three children that aren’t his? If you meet someone new, will you expect them to take all four out if you split?

Each dad should just take their own children out. It’s not fair for them to be expected to include children that aren’t there’s and the children need time alone with their fathers with half siblings having to be included.

Absolutely YABU. As is said many times by step parents on these boards; they often don’t have hugely strong bonds with their Dsc so would be unlikely, in the event of a split, continue a relationship with them. Sometimes strong bonds are had with dsc, but most often not.

And yet another example of children being shat on because they're forced into "blended families."

Stop blaming your ex for your selfishness.

And don't have a kid with the next one ffs, you're not a lioness.

I see that taking 5 children to the cinema or beach would be a huge undertaking for a man.

It's not just men who would find this difficult, op.

It sounds like your older children are there with you when your youngest has contact with his dad. So contact days for your two sets of children happen on different days?

I am wondering if this is to do with you having a break from your children op? I'm assuming that if your ex husband doesn't take all the children and your ex partner also doesn't take everyone, then you probably don't have any time without a child to look after. Is that how it is?

I'm not saying that's the only motivation, but is it a part of why you have unrealistic expectations of both your ex partners?

My daughter had sole care of her two children for almost two years. I get how difficult it is, but I don't think you are being reasonable here. Reasonable to want a break, but not reasonable to want it to happen in this way.

I think the extremely unusual situation (unusual sounds politer than weird) where your ex-husband includes your ex-boyfriend's child with a different ex-partner has distorted your view of what's realistic to expect.

It's a YABU from me.

He doesnt sound kind OP. I dont think I could be part of a family for 8 years and not even want to chat to the children I'd once been a step parent to.

But for the the rest, no I dont think he's being unreasonable.

I find it weird your xdh takes your new child let alone your ex stepchild too. The only person letting them down are the people who are making a big deal about them all being together still.

Xdp keeps the relationship between his Dd and your joint DS as should be.

You keep the relationship between your joint children with both ex’s obviously.

The Exp DD is your DDs friend that’s how it needs to be treated. As if she wasn’t ever the step sibling/child just this is DDs friend as that’s all she is now unless she genuinely goes oh this is c she’s my half brothers half sister to everyone she introduces her too which would be weird.

Taking your child’s friend away sometimes is cool, and a double win I guess that she’s also the half sibling of your dds half sibling but expecting your Xdp to take his DS half siblings from his Xdp is silly.

You need to manager your children’s expectations you and your XDH have created the issue.

Does your ExH never have the children without his step-child? Because I can see that starting to be an issue (unfortunately!) if one child gets time with his dad without the others but it doesn't work the other way around.

Yes they arent all the same though OP. And your 3 children to your ex h should have time just with their dad without their half sibling and step sibling as well

@ChicCroissant

Does your ExH never have the children without his step-child? Because I can see that starting to be an issue (unfortunately!) if one child gets time with his dad without the others but it doesn't work the other way around.

I agree. You really need to let your kids spend time with their respective dads alone and let go of the ‘stepchild’ now. Otherwise you are showing your kids that it’s ok for them to be treated like shit provided your partners’ kids are treated fairly.

Wow I'm absolutely blown away that your ex husband takes all of the children out!!! He is one lovely man. It's a very unusual set up. I think this has given you an unusual perspective when it came to your ex boyfriend, only taking his biological children out.

@ZigZagPlant

Example 2 - you pay SDLT even though no money changes hands The owner of a property valued at £500,000 with an outstanding mortgage of £400,000 transfers half the property to their partner when they marry. Their partner takes on 50% of the mortgage (£200,000).

HMRC charge SDLT on the amount paid for a property or the amount of ‘consideration’ given.

By taking liability for the mortgage, the owner’s partner has given ‘consideration’ of £200,000 for their share of the property which is £1,500 SDLT (0% of £125,000 + 2% of £75,000).

They must pay SDLT on that amount and tell HMRC about the transfer by filling in an SDLT return.

The equity isn’t included in the calculation as you only pay SDLT on the consideration given.

www.gov.uk/guidance/sdlt-transferring-ownership-of-land-or-property

Solicitor specialising in property here.

Wrong thread?

Every single comment you put back ends with some kind of sarcastic dig OP, it's amazing you can't see that.

It's becoming more and more apparent that you are the one causing the problem. You're taking something that is a normal part of life and isn't a big deal; children receiving different things in life because they have different parents and sometimes having to hear about nice things other people have done that they haven't, and turning it into something that is unacceptable and needs an elaborate system to prevent. Ironically, by doing so you are creating an actual issue - none of the kids getting to spend time with their fathers without a hoard of other kids being there.

It's illogical to say "just for the big/exciting things", because those are the things they would probably most look forward to doing as a family. If he was taking three other kids to the beach, he would probably get to spend very little time there with his actual kids around wrangling the whole group and ensuring nobody is in danger. We took my DD and DSS to the beach the other day and guess what? My partner didn't spend any time with my DD, because he was too busy chasing after DSS, who was just one extra kid. He lives with DD though, so it is less of a blow for him to lose that time with her than it would be for your ex. But we still want to go back just the three of us because he would like to actually be able to make memories with DD on the beach.

You are failing to understand that it's actually not a problem if the kids have different experiences and get a bit of FOMO every now and then. They will survive not going to the beach, and they would probably understand it a lot better if they weren't being raised with the unusual expectation that they will go around as a large gang a majority of their time, rather than just primarily with their own parents. They shouldn't be any more shocked by this than they are by their friends going on a day trip without them, it is you that is confusing them.

I agree grumpy. And honestly OP, I don't think you can complain about XP not acknowledging the older kids at all when you have no appropriate boundaries at all wrt the situation.

@Drumple yes, I reported it. Thanks.

It just sounds like you want a break from the kids tbh.

If I had step children for 8 years, presumably loved them, and then my relationship broke down I’m sure I’d still love the kids and want to see them. Treating the relationships separately I can understand I guess, but to not see or include them at all seems very cold and compartmentalised.

The only reason you are still seeing dad is because both parents agree to her spending time with you. It's much more usual to lose contact completely for step mum's as their mum is the resident parent and would see no benefit to keep the relationship going. Others have said if both biological father's have their contact Friday to Sunday every other weekend, and one after school in the week, they do separate things. You get time off. Let the dad's sort out the "big days out" with their own children and it solves your problem. You're not friends with exp, he's a coparent to one of your children. Zero need to come in and play happy families when he's picking up and dropping off. No big deal

Dsd not dad

I don't think he's doing anything wrong actually. They aren't his kids and you aren't together. He's spending time with his children. They will have different times with their dad too

And the ex p and the girl's mother are both entirely fine with their child off with this random who is nothing to do them at all.

I used to go out with friends and their families, my friends used to come on daytrips with my family, one spent a week on holiday with us.

The children have all known each other for 8 years (or their whole life for the youngest), how is one of the parents 'a random' when it comes to taking them all out together?

Its beginning to sound like its a nice break for you to be so keen on getting four children off your hands for the day instead of just one.

@Viviennemary

Its beginning to sound like its a nice break for you to be so keen on getting four children off your hands for the day instead of just one.

Yep!