AIBU ExP treating former step children differently

[Sofiasamulet]

Short backstory, I have 3 children with ExH and 1 shared child with ExP, ExP also has a daughter (my SD). ExP has been there since older DCs were toddlers until he walked out 4 days before Christmas (whole other thread)

Since then he has only been interested in DS (his son), ExH treats all 5 children the same but ExP pretends mine don't exist.

He takes his son and daughter out regularly to the park, fishing, family days out - all of which I dismiss to the DCs and point out we don't have to do everything the same but here comes the sticking point... A while ago ExP took DS to the cinema, he burst through the door shouting "I went to the cinema" meanwhile the DCs had been at home while I was at work. I took ExP to one side and said would it have been too much to include them? He has space in his car, I would have happily paid and they would have loved it. He apologised and said he'd think first next time. I took this as he would include them with big days out, just like I always and still do include his daughter (we're talking trips he didn't come on I would get my dad to take a child to free up space for SD). I'm not quibbling the weekly contact, just when there's a big day out they might be included, you know he was their father figure for how many years? He might have a slight affection for them like I wouldn't buy ice creams for my children but not the neighbour who's come round to play.

Fast forward to this weekend, DS bursts in the door "I've been to the beach" cue 3 crestfallen faces! I stepped outside to ask what's going on and he is completely unrepentant "they're nothing to do with me" "they have their own dad" "I'm a good dad" he fails to see their gutted faces and bewilderment. They've only ever known everyone is included, no one is left out. When one gets invited to a party they know their time will come later in the year, they know if one gets a medal at school if they work hard enough they might too. They're not entitled in the slightest so am I being unreasonable to expect him to show an ounce of compassion for them?

Not to drip feed but this is not about me, I don't want to be included in these days out, I don't expect him to pay for anything, just when it's a big day out include all the siblings (bearing in mind DD and SD were best friends throughout school and she still comes around here)

And I don't see why your DS and DSD can't enjoy a day out at the beach with their dad on their own. They probably really enjoy that. I know I'd have been pissed if I couldn't have a day out with my dad without all my step/half siblings coming along too.

Your children have a father that could take them to a beach on their own. The fact he/you choose not to because you want to make everything oh so fair is actually unfair on them imo.

And I'm interested about the holiday thing. Would you expect them to take all the 5 children on holiday if he wanted to take his DS and DD?

@TooTTootY

If he ever wants to take his DS and DD on holiday are you expecting him to take all 5?

Not at all, I would either arrange a holiday for us or we would have fun at home, I don't actually have a problem with him spending time with DS hence he's been there every week since December, MN seems to have twisted 2 conversations into something entirely different

No but you have a problem with him taking his own children on days out when you/your older children's father could do exactly the same thing if you chose to.

Why is it different with a holiday? So your son bursts through the door and says 'ive just been to Greece'. What do you say to your older children and why is it any different to what you would say to them if he'd been to the beach/cinema/aquarium/zoo with his Dad?

And again, how long is this expected to carry on for? The rest of his life?

@AskingforaBaskin

we do it to be nice? Occasionally we exert ourselves for someone else's benefit. Occasionally Not every week, or month but sometimes we just think right these kids might really love this. We don't need to be nice, we just do it. We suck it up that 1 time.

Nope. Not at all.
I do things for my children. Things that benefit my children.
And I can imagine that his children could really do with some one on one time.

They get that every week, I am not encroaching on that. Believe it or not I am doing this for my children, the ones who feel like shit because DS has had a cracking day out while they've been at home in the paddling pool. (The paddling pool that was perfectly satisfactory until DS comes in crawing about his great day and DCs look to me) This is only the second time I have been upset for them, the first time I spoke to ExP, I obviously misunderstood his apology as now it has happened again, I came on here to ask AIBU and people's versions have run away

Imo, if your children are upset that their half sibling/ex-step sibling is doing something with their other parent on their contact time with them then you or your ex-H do something with them.

I wouldn't expect my DC to get upset that her half siblings go here or there with their mother when they aren't with us. If she were, I'd explain and then I'd go on days out with her whilst they were gone/when they were back. I wouldn't expect their mother to take my daughter along with her half siblings though. Why would she?

How old are your older dc?

I think you need to tell them that your ex wants to spend time with his dc and not them.

It must be really disappointing for them but your ex doesn’t want to take your older dc along to outings and there’s nothing you can really do about it.

I can see your ex’s POV also, why should he have to take along three extra dc on his time with his own dc?

Your dc need to learn that they have different family to each other & they’ll have different family experiences because of this.

You’ve got to stop it being a big deal. And maybe your XH can take just his dc our sometimes so your older dc also get some one on one time with their dad.

the ones who feel like shit because DS has had a cracking day out while they've been at home in the paddling pool

Then take them to the beach? Why is it your exes responsibility to do that for you?

The time to think about your children was before blending the family.

He's not to blame here.

What happens when he comes home from an awesome Christmas with all his presents?

What happens if Dad buys him a new car?

@TooTTootY

No but you have a problem with him taking his own children on days out when you/your older children's father could do exactly the same thing if you chose to.

Why is it different with a holiday? So your son bursts through the door and says 'ive just been to Greece'. What do you say to your older children and why is it any different to what you would say to them if he'd been to the beach/cinema/aquarium/zoo with his Dad?

And again, how long is this expected to carry on for? The rest of his life?

What has probably not been clear is I was unaware he was going to the beach - none of my business what his plans are and do not expect to be told what they are. However (takes deep breath) if I did know then I could perhaps plan something for the DCs or I could prepare them for DS's boasting. As he normally comes home with little to report (bit like picking him up from school) I don't want to tell him "Don't rub it in DCs face what you did with Daddy." I don't want his fun to be tinged with thinking the others are missing out because mummy said don't talk about it. My whole point was have fun with your DCs, absolutely great, but if you're planning something big give the other DCs a thought. I accept that's not going to happen

If your kids have had a shit day then that’s on you!

Your son is surely allowed to be excited and talk about his day?

@AskingforaBaskin

The time to think about your children was before blending the family.

He's not to blame here.

What happens when he comes home from an awesome Christmas with all his presents?

What happens if Dad buys him a new car?

Oh Christ, I'm already au fait with the Disney dad syndrome, ExP looked rather relieved when I told DS in front of him daddy doesn't need to buy you new toys every week. I think even he was looking for an exit plan on that one

@Askingforabaskin Absolutely! I was wondering how long it would be before another DP arrived with yet another couple of kids of his own and, hey, why not have one together seeing as we'll be 'blended' for a couple of years and a child is a nice memento ...

if you're planning something big give the other DCs a thought .

Why don't you/exH just plan so days out with your older kids? That's your responsibility to do, not your exes.

And again I ask, how long do you expect him to do this for?

I think you need to start taking them all to the beach. Then it won't be such a big deal because they'll have either recently been or going soon.

@OhCaptain

If your kids have had a shit day then that’s on you!

Your son is surely allowed to be excited and talk about his day?

It's on me that my kids a seemingly great day until their little brother came in and pissed on their chips. Bit of perspective perhaps

It's on you to give your kids realistic expectations yes. It's on you/your exDH, imo, to treat your older DC every now and then to days out like this themselves.

If you could turn around and say 'Well Daddy took you 3 to the beach last week remember' then what's there to be upset about?

The problem is that you are not allowing your older DC days out with just you/your ex because you're faulling over yourself trying to make everything seem fair when it's unsustainable and frankly, unfair on them imo.

@TooTTootY

if you're planning something big give the other DCs a thought .

Why don't you/exH just plan so days out with your older kids? That's your responsibility to do, not your exes.

And again I ask, how long do you expect him to do this for?

As previously said I do take my DCs out but it would be ironic if DS did run of the mill stuff at his dad's and I took the DCs for an amazing day out.

As for how long, I can't answer. They're young, in a few years they won't be bothered what DS does but right now the beach sounds amazing to them and they didn't go. He could have taken them, he didn't.

He could have taken them, he didn't

You could have taken them but didn't. Your ex husband, their father, could have taken them but didn't.

I'll bow out because you clearly think you're being reasonable expecting this but I'm glad the majority seem to agree that you are not.

It’s not his job to look after your kids. It’s yours.

You've already said you wouldn't drive to the beach with your older DC if your DS wasn't there. Are they not allowed a life when their half sibling is with their other parent?

If you can't possibly do that, why can't their dad? Or does he have to take everyone along to so it's fair?

They have different families, different dad's, they will get treated differently, to different things at different times in their lives. That's the reality of having children with different people. It's up to you as their parent to explain this to them and help manage their expectations. You can't just try and gloss over everything by trying to make everything 'fair'.

Imo your current set up isn't fair on your older DC, but it isn't because your ex isn't taking them to the beach. It's because they seem to be not allowed to go with you/their dad without everyone else tagging along too.

@TooTTootY

It's on you to give your kids realistic expectations yes. It's on you/your exDH, imo, to treat your older DC every now and then to days out like this themselves.

If you could turn around and say 'Well Daddy took you 3 to the beach last week remember' then what's there to be upset about?

The problem is that you are not allowing your older DC days out with just you/your ex because you're faulling over yourself trying to make everything seem fair when it's unsustainable and frankly, unfair on them imo.

I absolutely get that TooT, it's how I dealt with the low level stuff initially (you know eating out, toys, trainers, Robux etc, - Daddy got you A&B or Mummy bought you C&D I promise you these are balanced kids) it was just the sticking point that IMO he'd already apologised a while ago for shall we call cinemagate and now we have beachgate.

TooT I would love to sit here and say I will just take the older DCs to the beach but DS would be gutted we went without him. Take them visiting or shopping or sightseeing oh yes, DS couldn't give a fig and I happily take them....

Omg TooT that's it... Take the sting out of beachgate by just downplaying it enough to the DCs that they are still happy for him but not disappointed themselves. Set realistic expectations so they are no longer hurt that ExP can't acknowledge them and he can be the lonely guy he is. EPIPHANY

TooT I would love to sit here and say I will just take the older DCs to the beach but DS would be gutted we went without him

Well why can't your ex husband take his kids if you are just completely unable to? Or does he have to take everyone along too?

There shouldn't even be any whatevergates. He didn't even need to apologise in the first place for taking his children to the cinema FFS. Just take your own kids if you want them to go? Or get your ex H to?

I don't understand why everyone has to be involved with everyone's days out with their different parents. Your ex H takes his kids out, your exP take his kids out. Everyone gets some days out with their Dad's - yay.

It's the reality of having multiple co parents. They won't always be treated to exactly the same thing at exactly the same time, there will be days where your older 3 sit in the paddling pool whilst DS goes to the beach, there will be others where DS watches a film at home with you whilst your older 3 go to the cinema with your ExH. It's life. And yes it is your responsibility to help them to understand this.

Anyway, as I say, you're clearly only interested in hearing that you are not being unreasonable and I imagine will continue to badger your exP into apologising for taking his own children out for the day when you and your ex are perfectly capable of doing the same for your older children if you wanted to.

He could have taken them, he didn't.

But don't you see that you have to move on and help your kids move on? It's simply not their reality any more and I think your ex is right to accept this and go with it. And yes although in your situation it may be fine, if this was the norm it would be exploited (as many things are) and it does make me uncomfortable from a safe guarding angle. Your kids are statistically more at risk with an adult male in the home who isn't related to them. Your step daughter is at risk statistically speaking also and there is no one with parental responsibility who also has direct contact with this person she's supposed to see as a father figure. What could possibly go wrong. This is why we have boundaries.

And there is nothing stopping you from accepting that things have changed, it won't all be easy but you have to take every chance to live in the moment that you can and take your kids to the beach. With this number of visitations there are always going to be people having treats on different days. Try raising children with some foster children in the family. They come back from contact with everything under the sun. It's not easy but you talk it through and adjust. This seems similar.