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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU ExP treating former step children differently

282 replies

Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 19:52

Short backstory, I have 3 children with ExH and 1 shared child with ExP, ExP also has a daughter (my SD). ExP has been there since older DCs were toddlers until he walked out 4 days before Christmas (whole other thread)

Since then he has only been interested in DS (his son), ExH treats all 5 children the same but ExP pretends mine don't exist.

He takes his son and daughter out regularly to the park, fishing, family days out - all of which I dismiss to the DCs and point out we don't have to do everything the same but here comes the sticking point... A while ago ExP took DS to the cinema, he burst through the door shouting "I went to the cinema" meanwhile the DCs had been at home while I was at work. I took ExP to one side and said would it have been too much to include them? He has space in his car, I would have happily paid and they would have loved it. He apologised and said he'd think first next time. I took this as he would include them with big days out, just like I always and still do include his daughter (we're talking trips he didn't come on I would get my dad to take a child to free up space for SD). I'm not quibbling the weekly contact, just when there's a big day out they might be included, you know he was their father figure for how many years? He might have a slight affection for them like I wouldn't buy ice creams for my children but not the neighbour who's come round to play.

Fast forward to this weekend, DS bursts in the door "I've been to the beach" cue 3 crestfallen faces! I stepped outside to ask what's going on and he is completely unrepentant "they're nothing to do with me" "they have their own dad" "I'm a good dad" he fails to see their gutted faces and bewilderment. They've only ever known everyone is included, no one is left out. When one gets invited to a party they know their time will come later in the year, they know if one gets a medal at school if they work hard enough they might too. They're not entitled in the slightest so am I being unreasonable to expect him to show an ounce of compassion for them?

Not to drip feed but this is not about me, I don't want to be included in these days out, I don't expect him to pay for anything, just when it's a big day out include all the siblings (bearing in mind DD and SD were best friends throughout school and she still comes around here)

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 11/08/2020 22:54

He’s no longer with you and he wants to concentrate on giving his own children a good life. He shouldn’t have to take his former stepchildren with him too. It’s a huge ask and he doesn’t have to do it. Financially, practically and emotionally - it will cost him. His dcs might be enjoying the quieter times with their dad. Adding 3 more children will certainly change the dynamics of the day!

I split up with my ex at the end of last year. He has a child with his ex wife and we have 4 together.
Since we split, I’ve been working on rebuilding my life. Part of that includes being able to have the freedom to concentrate on my children without having to factor in any stepchildren. My children have had some lovely trips out with me, and I just don’t want to go down that road where I feel obliged to take former stepchild out with me whenever I plan something nice.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 11/08/2020 22:57

I agree, Asking.

AlternativePerspective · 11/08/2020 23:01

And how would that be a bad thing. I didn’t say it would. In fact I said further upthread that as a rule second relationships where there are children involved should on the whole be discouraged, but this should happen regardless of whether those people have children together.

If children are clearly so unimportant, (and given the responses on this thread they are,) then anyone getting into a relationship with someone else while they still have children at home is selfish. So maybe we need to start to rethink what is acceptable? Because right now most people seem to think that the only thing that matters is that the adults are happy, and if the children get tossed aside when a relationship ends then they should just accept that.

AskingforaBaskin · 11/08/2020 23:04

@AlternativePerspective

No. Because the responsibility lies with the parents. The man wanted a relationship. He got one. He is now taking responsibility for his actions by stepping up and looking after his children.

The OPs responsibility is with all of her children. She made decisions that her children are now getting upset about. That's not his problem at all.

m0therofdragons · 11/08/2020 23:06

Your expectations are totally unreasonable. You have 2 fathers interested in their own dc. Exh takes on one extra but you expect exp to take on the others. Surely you can see the difference? If ex wants to take them all out then great but you are making out he is a bad person for not doing so. He’s not.

AlternativePerspective · 11/08/2020 23:06

And the man already had a child, ergo, he is “the parent.” So his daughter could just as easily have been that collateral damage.... so no, he shouldn’t have got into a relationship with anyone as he already has children....

And he now shouldn’t get into a relationship with anyone else....

AskingforaBaskin · 11/08/2020 23:07

@AlternativePerspective

And he now shouldn’t get into a relationship with anyone else....

Nope. If Op wants her children's friend to tag along that's on her. She seems fine. It's OPs children who are upset. It's Ops children who are feeling the differences.

And there are a hundred other future inequalities that could arise. And none of them are his problem.

piscean10 · 11/08/2020 23:08

I'm a woman and no way would I want any day out with 5 kids,. Yabu but I get why you feel hurt for your dc.

TooTTootY · 11/08/2020 23:17

I think this is really unreasonable OP and such an unrealistic expectation to play on your ex. Maybe he just wants time out with his DC? That isn't a crime, your 3 are not his children. I imagine his DS and DD appreciate some time with just their dad.

Your DC have their own father who it sounds like is heavily involved in their lives, they don't need to be taken on days out with your ex as well, let him have that time with his children.

I also think it's really very odd that your ExH takes all 5 of them every where. Why can't his kids just have some alone time with him as well?

What happens when new partners get involved and they have kids too, are you going to be taking 6,7,8,9 kids out every time you go to the cinema so no one misses out? It's a ridiculous idea and unsustainable.

By all means, take your SD out sometimes, she is your daughter's best friend so fine, but really, every time? Why? Can't your kids just have some time alone with you/their dad?

And I really disagree with PP who suggested he is a father because he's been around so long. He isn't. Most mother's on here would implode if a step mother came on and said she was basically a mother because she'd been around for X years. Your DC have a Dad, it is not your ExP. My DSC have a mother, it is not me and never will be.

I could understand a little if your children's father was not around but he is. They don't need another father, they have one. Leave your son and SD to enjoy theirs.

I agree he could say hello and bye but maybe he doesn't want to cause any upset?

TooTTootY · 11/08/2020 23:17

Oh and it's not because he's a man that he doesn't want to take all 5 kids either. I wouldn't!

Ghostoast · 11/08/2020 23:20

This is what happens when there are children with different mums/dads. As a child in this situation it made me feel ill.

slashlover · 11/08/2020 23:24

When exDP takes his DS and DD out for contact would you not arrange to go to the cinema or beach with your three? Are they forced to sit at home because you couldn't possibly do any activities without all five being there?

TooTTootY · 11/08/2020 23:26

@slashlover

Good point, I'm also curious do you or your exH never do anything with your 3 children older children without the other 2? I think that's incredibly unfair if so.

Original poster

Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 23:44

@slashlover

Would I drive 2 hours to the beach without DS? No. Would I do something alternative if I knew DS was going to the beach? Perhaps. Do the DC sit inside and stare at the wall? No. They have their lives and they are happy to live them, we do things as a family, we do things separate from DSD, I even spend one on one time with my DC! Would it be nice for ExP to say "hey I'm taking the DCs somewhere this weekend, do the others want to join" for the first time in 8 months? Yes. As most people have said IABU for thinking like that I won't bring it up with him again.

In fact the next time my nieces or nephews want to join us I'll tell them they have their own parents. Playdates? Forget it, you've got your own bedroom to play in. Neighbour's children - you've got your own garden. Take on anything I don't need to... The inn's full

OP posts:

AskingforaBaskin · 11/08/2020 23:47

Wow. Yea I can't imagine why he wants a clean break 😅😂

TooTTootY · 11/08/2020 23:49

In fact the next time my nieces or nephews want to join us I'll tell them they have their own parents

You've quite clearly taken nothing on board that anyone has said.

I would say your sister/brother were unreasonable if they expected you to take your nieces and nephews out every time you went somewhere with your kids, yes. Inviting them out every now and then is up to you if you want but you don't have to and you wouldn't be unreasonable not to if you didn't want.

And having neighbours kids play in your garden is so different to taking 5 children to a beach or cinema.

Why can't your kids go to the beach with their dad? Or you for that matter? Not everything has to include everyone.

LovingLola · 11/08/2020 23:50

🙄

scotsllb · 11/08/2020 23:51

Op nieces and nephews on play dates is nowhere near the same thing.
What about when your ex gets a new partner? Are all the kids to go with him then too?
I understand your upset for your children and it appears harsh but it's the reality of the relationship breakdown.
The goal posts have moved and he only wants to focus on his own children.
You need to manage their expectations in this and explain that it's perfectly normal for the bio kids to go with their Dad alone and unfortunately group days out with him are over as the relationship is finished.

TooTTootY · 11/08/2020 23:53

And for goodness sake there is nothing wrong with driving to the beach with your 3 older kids when your DS is with his dad doing other things. If you feel so guilty about it, why can't your exH take them on their own?

TooTTootY · 11/08/2020 23:54

If he ever wants to take his DS and DD on holiday are you expecting him to take all 5?

OhCaptain · 11/08/2020 23:57

@Sofiasamulet if you are with him the way you are with people who disagree with you here then I don’t blame him keeping his distance.

Seriously.

You keep taking him aside to say he should be using his contact time to entertain your children then get snotty when people point out how unreasonable that is! It’s very childish.

Original poster

Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 23:58

It's the point that no one needs to do anything, we do it to be nice? Occasionally we exert ourselves for someone else's benefit. Occasionally Not every week, or month but sometimes we just think right these kids might really love this. We don't need to be nice, we just do it. We suck it up that 1 time. Do my siblings expect me to look after their DCs? No. Are my DNs pleading with me puppy dog eyes to stay over eventhough I'm bloody shattered. My original OP was AIBU to want a bit of compassion, not adopt them and run off into the sunset

OP posts:

Dylaninthemovies1 · 12/08/2020 00:00

Sometimes I feel so sorry for kids in blended families.

Adults really need to seriously think before they keep having children with multiple partners.

TooTTootY · 12/08/2020 00:01

Okay but how long can this really go on for?

So for the rest of his life he should take all your DC out with his own? When he meets someone else, does this carry on? If she has kids is he expected to take 8 kids out, 3 being the children of his ex girlfriend from years ago?

The point is it is not sustainable. It's better to deal with that now and your expectations of what is realistic.

AskingforaBaskin · 12/08/2020 00:02

we do it to be nice? Occasionally we exert ourselves for someone else's benefit. Occasionally Not every week, or month but sometimes we just think right these kids might really love this. We don't need to be nice, we just do it. We suck it up that 1 time.

Nope. Not at all.
I do things for my children. Things that benefit my children.
And I can imagine that his children could really do with some one on one time.

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