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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ExP treating former step children differently

282 replies

Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 19:52

Short backstory, I have 3 children with ExH and 1 shared child with ExP, ExP also has a daughter (my SD). ExP has been there since older DCs were toddlers until he walked out 4 days before Christmas (whole other thread)

Since then he has only been interested in DS (his son), ExH treats all 5 children the same but ExP pretends mine don't exist.

He takes his son and daughter out regularly to the park, fishing, family days out - all of which I dismiss to the DCs and point out we don't have to do everything the same but here comes the sticking point... A while ago ExP took DS to the cinema, he burst through the door shouting "I went to the cinema" meanwhile the DCs had been at home while I was at work. I took ExP to one side and said would it have been too much to include them? He has space in his car, I would have happily paid and they would have loved it. He apologised and said he'd think first next time. I took this as he would include them with big days out, just like I always and still do include his daughter (we're talking trips he didn't come on I would get my dad to take a child to free up space for SD). I'm not quibbling the weekly contact, just when there's a big day out they might be included, you know he was their father figure for how many years? He might have a slight affection for them like I wouldn't buy ice creams for my children but not the neighbour who's come round to play.

Fast forward to this weekend, DS bursts in the door "I've been to the beach" cue 3 crestfallen faces! I stepped outside to ask what's going on and he is completely unrepentant "they're nothing to do with me" "they have their own dad" "I'm a good dad" he fails to see their gutted faces and bewilderment. They've only ever known everyone is included, no one is left out. When one gets invited to a party they know their time will come later in the year, they know if one gets a medal at school if they work hard enough they might too. They're not entitled in the slightest so am I being unreasonable to expect him to show an ounce of compassion for them?

Not to drip feed but this is not about me, I don't want to be included in these days out, I don't expect him to pay for anything, just when it's a big day out include all the siblings (bearing in mind DD and SD were best friends throughout school and she still comes around here)

OP posts:
Hannahmates · 12/08/2020 13:59

He's not their father though. He's right. Your 3DC have their own bio father. Life isn't fair and you need to teach your children how to cope with that. Perhaps pull your son aside and explain to him to be more discreet.

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2020 14:32

If I had step children for 8 years, presumably loved them, and then my relationship broke down I'm sure I'd still love them and want to see them

This is the elephant in the room imo. I am a step parent and I can tell you now if I were ever to break up with my partner it's highly likely it would be to get away from the step family element of the relationship. I imagine that's true for a lot of struggling step parents. That would definitiely not be the part of it I would be desperate to maintain, even in the absence of the romantic relationship. I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume that in a blended family that hasn't worked, the person leaving would have nothing but positive feelings about the dynamic.

If I were him, I would find the assumption that he should take them all out when he sees his kids very stifling, so I'd be very surprised if he didn't feel at least somewhat like that during the relationship, too. I don't find it surprising that he doesn't want to keep pushing that relationship.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 12/08/2020 14:50

When me and exh split he had been the only df 3 of my dc had known.
He walked out the door and didn't say goodbye to anyone. Fair enough I had told him to leave while I was at work but expected after 5 years and married he would be man enough to do it humanely..
Twat.

TooTTootY · 12/08/2020 14:53

When me and exh split he had been the only df 3 of my dc had known

This isn't the OPs situation though. Her DC have a father, a very involved one. Her ex is not the only father they have known.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 12/08/2020 14:57

Just meant neither him /I had any assumption of obligations towards them. Tho he should have said he was leaving.

AskingforaBaskin · 12/08/2020 15:24

@Feralkidsatthecampsite

When me and exh split he had been the only df 3 of my dc had known. He walked out the door and didn't say goodbye to anyone. Fair enough I had told him to leave while I was at work but expected after 5 years and married he would be man enough to do it humanely.. Twat.
You broke up with him. Told him to leave.

So he left with no drama and you don't think it's humane?

ZigZagPlant · 12/08/2020 15:31

I had told him to leave while I was at work

He did what you asked/told him to. But that wasn’t what you wanted him to do Hmm

choli · 12/08/2020 15:35

@ZigZagPlant

I had told him to leave while I was at work

He did what you asked/told him to. But that wasn’t what you wanted him to do Hmm

He didn't offer perpetual free childcare for the kids that are not his. Bastard!
PiataMaiNei · 12/08/2020 15:42

There must be a lot of money sloshing around here. I'm by no means badly off, but paying for 5 all the time would significantly limit what we could do. Obviously if you choose to have that many, it's what you sign up for, but it isn't here. I doubt most people could afford to treat all the children in the dynamic the same here.

funinthesun19 · 12/08/2020 15:43

If I had step children for 8 years, presumably loved them, and then my relationship broke down I’m sure I’d still love the kids and want to see them. Treating the relationships separately I can understand I guess, but to not see or include them at all seems very cold and compartmentalised.

I was with someone with a child for 10 years, and we split up at the end of last year.
To be honest, it’s been extremely liberating to get away from stepparenting. Unfortunately it seems I should still be going out of my way even now the relationship is over.

I keep in touch with his child, and they are welcome here to have a catch up and some tea. But I’m not taking them on days out. If anyone questioned me why I’m going out with my children and not taking their older sibling with us, they would be met with something along the lines of “because I don’t have to.” I’ll choose when they can come along, nobody else. At the moment I’m just enjoying my children on their own.

ZigZagPlant · 12/08/2020 15:55

To be honest, it’s been extremely liberating to get away from stepparenting.

Some parents underestimate the strain of blended families.

funinthesun19 · 12/08/2020 16:08

ZigZagPlant That’s very true. My ex thought he could just put 10% in to the relationship and family life and expected me to be in love with being a stepparent and for us to function like a normal family. Hmm
Ain’t gonna happen when the parent has that type of outlook!

HorsePellets · 12/08/2020 16:16

But.....they’re not his children and they have an involved father who will do all this stuff with them. Your relationship has ended and the ‘artificially’ blended family that came with that relationship has also ended as far as he is concerned. Other people in this situation may choose to make a different decision, but he’s not unreasonable to make the one he’s made.

Witchend · 12/08/2020 16:19

I have 3 dc.
I love them all.

But taking any one on their own is easier than taking any two and that is easier than taking all 3.
Taking one means I focus on them, do what they want to do and it's lovely time to find out things about them, feel close and relaxing.
With two you are balancing one need against the other, potential sibling arguing etc

I wouldn't be adding children I didn't have to as a standard thing to my limited time with mine.

To add all of yours is a huge difference to anything they do.

LockdownLoser · 12/08/2020 16:24

I get where you are coming from OP, I have 2 children with EXH, one with EXP and ExP has a daughter too, my daughter and his are the same age and were in each other's lives from age 2, and now they share a brother.

She will always be a part of our family, she is included here and always will be. Much like your ExP my ex doesn't take my older children anywhere, just his own.

I try to remember that I can't control what happens outside of my home, all I can do is make sure I treat everyone fairly inside my home, that they can trust me to always be fair and kind and inclusive.

Don't get me wrong, it falls me that I still treat SD as one of my own and he doesn't bother with my two but I can't change his behaviour, I just have to make sure I can live with my own.

Candyfloss99 · 12/08/2020 16:31

@Feralkidsatthecampsite

When me and exh split he had been the only df 3 of my dc had known. He walked out the door and didn't say goodbye to anyone. Fair enough I had told him to leave while I was at work but expected after 5 years and married he would be man enough to do it humanely.. Twat.
But you didn't have to do it humanely? You just told him to go when you were at work so obviously didn't want a goodbye? How weird and immature.
SoloMummy · 12/08/2020 18:53

Harsh as it is, you were in a relationship. He was a stepfather. Neither is now true.
His only responsibility is to his child. Why should he spend those nice days with the others as well. It changes the dynamics. They do have their own father for those experiences to be with.

Just don't make the same mistakes with another man....

U2HasTheEdge · 12/08/2020 18:56

I find it difficult to understand how someone can live with children and take a step parent role for 8 years then just walk away and not be involved in those children's lives any more. He doesn't even come in and say hello to them?

It isn't about the beach trip really is it? It is about how quickly he has disregarded their feelings and how he no longer wants a relationship with them.

I would be gutted if I split up with my husband and he no longer had anything to do with the children from my first marriage, who he has lived with and cared for for 14 years.

Unfortunately, that is the risk you take with blended families and all you can do is help your children navigate this situation as best you can.

ChickenFriedFudge · 12/08/2020 20:32

@U2HasTheEdge
I find it difficult to understand how someone can live with children and take a step parent role for 8 years then just walk away and not be involved in those children's lives any more

It's the same as when him and OP broke up is it not. You are with that person, you see them grow (in a different way), you are completely embedded in their life, and then you split, so you're not anymore. He is no longer with OP.
I love my DH and I love his children, but if we split I wouldn't have any reason or obligation to see them anymore, just like I wouldn't to him.

funinthesun19 · 12/08/2020 20:40

I find it difficult to understand how someone can live with children and take a step parent role for 8 years then just walk away and not be involved in those children's lives any more. He doesn't even come in and say hello to them?

Moving on with a life that doesn’t have the stepchildren at the front of their minds is perfectly fine. A hello is fine but I don’t think it has to be much more than that.

MikeUniformMike · 12/08/2020 20:43

I find it difficult to understand how someone can live with children and take a step parent role for 8 years then just walk away and not be involved in those children's lives any more. He doesn't even come in and say hello to them?

That's just it, they do. They walk away from the mum too, unless they have children together. Sometimes with no explanation. Usually for the OW.

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2020 20:44

They walk away from the mum too, unless they have children together.

As people usually do after a break up when they don't have any children together?*

TooTTootY · 12/08/2020 20:47

They walk away from the mum too, unless they have children together

Don't most people walk away when a relationship ends?

Bollss · 12/08/2020 20:51

@MikeUniformMike

I find it difficult to understand how someone can live with children and take a step parent role for 8 years then just walk away and not be involved in those children's lives any more. He doesn't even come in and say hello to them?

That's just it, they do. They walk away from the mum too, unless they have children together. Sometimes with no explanation. Usually for the OW.

What a huge generalisation usually for the ow? Go away.
hammeringinmyhead · 12/08/2020 20:53

Why wouldn't they walk away from the mum? What a weird post!

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