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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ExP treating former step children differently

282 replies

Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 19:52

Short backstory, I have 3 children with ExH and 1 shared child with ExP, ExP also has a daughter (my SD). ExP has been there since older DCs were toddlers until he walked out 4 days before Christmas (whole other thread)

Since then he has only been interested in DS (his son), ExH treats all 5 children the same but ExP pretends mine don't exist.

He takes his son and daughter out regularly to the park, fishing, family days out - all of which I dismiss to the DCs and point out we don't have to do everything the same but here comes the sticking point... A while ago ExP took DS to the cinema, he burst through the door shouting "I went to the cinema" meanwhile the DCs had been at home while I was at work. I took ExP to one side and said would it have been too much to include them? He has space in his car, I would have happily paid and they would have loved it. He apologised and said he'd think first next time. I took this as he would include them with big days out, just like I always and still do include his daughter (we're talking trips he didn't come on I would get my dad to take a child to free up space for SD). I'm not quibbling the weekly contact, just when there's a big day out they might be included, you know he was their father figure for how many years? He might have a slight affection for them like I wouldn't buy ice creams for my children but not the neighbour who's come round to play.

Fast forward to this weekend, DS bursts in the door "I've been to the beach" cue 3 crestfallen faces! I stepped outside to ask what's going on and he is completely unrepentant "they're nothing to do with me" "they have their own dad" "I'm a good dad" he fails to see their gutted faces and bewilderment. They've only ever known everyone is included, no one is left out. When one gets invited to a party they know their time will come later in the year, they know if one gets a medal at school if they work hard enough they might too. They're not entitled in the slightest so am I being unreasonable to expect him to show an ounce of compassion for them?

Not to drip feed but this is not about me, I don't want to be included in these days out, I don't expect him to pay for anything, just when it's a big day out include all the siblings (bearing in mind DD and SD were best friends throughout school and she still comes around here)

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 11/08/2020 20:21

Yabu. They aren't his children. If I wanted quality time with my own child it would definitely be harder with an extra 3 to watch.

LadyCatStark · 11/08/2020 20:22

YABU sorry. Where does it end? Does your ex’s DD have half siblings? Should he take them out too? And what if you or your exH meet someone with children? Should they be included too? I think you or your exH need to be planning some days out for your 3 shared children whilst your DS is at his dad’s.

Malaya · 11/08/2020 20:24

It’s shit for you other dc but, unfortunately, that’s the way blended families work. He’s definitely entitled to spend time with his biological child alone, if that’s what he chooses. What’s stopping you from taking them to the beach?

beautifulxdisasters · 11/08/2020 20:25

Also this "I wouldn't buy ice creams for my children but not the neighbour who's come round to play" is just a weird analogy.

Do you never buy your kids ice creams without inviting the neighbours first? That's more like it.

WhoWants2Know · 11/08/2020 20:26

I think it's worth having a word with your son about discretion and not making a big deal about his outings if his siblings aren't going.

I have often sent one child out with some pocket money on outings with their dad, and encouraged them to choose a small treat for themselves and siblings while they're out.

And there's nothing wrong with planning outings with the other kids while your son is with his dad.

Nottherealslimshady · 11/08/2020 20:26

So every time you or your ex husband take your kids anywhere. Cinema, beach, bowling, restaurant, you also take his child?
And you expect him to not do anything with his own child without taking your kids. I dont think that's fair. They're not his kids, taking one or two kids to the beach is so different to taking 5 kids.

OhCaptain · 11/08/2020 20:27

16% YANBU

I’d love to hear the reasoning behind that!

ZombieFan · 11/08/2020 20:27

It might be difficult for you but they are not his children, its just not his responsibility. Maybe in some 'ideal' world...

AIMD · 11/08/2020 20:28

It’s really sad that he’s not including your children and doesn’t seem to want to maintain a close relationship with them.

To be honest I wouldn’t push for it aftee what he said about them and how he has acted. I think it’s best to help them deal with the loss of the relationship and understand why they don’t go in the days out rather than try to push a relationship that he isn’t interested in maintaining. You can’t make him include them. Focus on developing theie relationships with others instead, people who it’s worth putting time into.

AIMD · 11/08/2020 20:29

How old are the children? Given the situation I assume they understand the different relationships between people in their family. They have a relationship with their dad still from what you’ve said ?

OhCaptain · 11/08/2020 20:29

Possibly another disappearing OP but I do wonder why she doesn’t bring the kids on days out herself. Confused

LovingLola · 11/08/2020 20:31

Why is your ex-husband taking your ex-partner’s daughter on outings?? That’s weird.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 11/08/2020 20:31

Op I have dc with different df's. Imo it's up to you to cover any shortfall in fairness not the other non parent.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2020 20:33

How often do you and ExH take all 5 kids to the cinema or the beach?

You’re asking your exDP, who presumably left for you a reason, to do free childcare for 3 kids that aren’t his. That’s what you’re asking, though you’re trying to complicate it with emotional blackmail.

MorganKitten · 11/08/2020 20:33

Surely exH is taking his children out the same way exP is?

You can’t expect exP to look after another mans children when he is no longer part of that family? YABU

unicornparty · 11/08/2020 20:34

They're not his children, he's under no obligation to take them

iolaus · 11/08/2020 20:34

I like the way Cher's dad put it in Clueless 'you divorce wives not kids' - ie you took on the step parent role stay in their lives

However he's not doing anything wrong technically but morally it does seem off to do it all the time - however your exH seems to go above and beyond if he includes your child (which isn't as unusual) and your exP's daughter (so his ex-wife's former stepdaughter?)

forrestgreen · 11/08/2020 20:35

I'd say then it's only fair we do things with our own children. Tell exh that exp said he doesn't have to take them. He can take own dd. Then ch will have their own special experiences. You offered the grown up way, he doesn't want that, so do it his way. Then every child feels special

AskingforaBaskin · 11/08/2020 20:36

They're not his children.
He doesn't have to consider them at all. Not thinking of them doesn't make him a bad person.
It's your job as the person who created this scenario to explain to your other children that he is not their father and so there will be inequalities.

Bollss · 11/08/2020 20:36

@iolaus

I like the way Cher's dad put it in Clueless 'you divorce wives not kids' - ie you took on the step parent role stay in their lives

However he's not doing anything wrong technically but morally it does seem off to do it all the time - however your exH seems to go above and beyond if he includes your child (which isn't as unusual) and your exP's daughter (so his ex-wife's former stepdaughter?)

You do know that lots of parents wouldn't actually want/allow that?!
OhCaptain · 11/08/2020 20:37

I like the way Cher's dad put it in Clueless 'you divorce wives not kids' - ie you took on the step parent role stay in their lives

Ok but then his kids have sex so...

It is actually kind of weird that your ex husband is taking the daughter of his ex wife’s ex partner on days out though.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/08/2020 20:38

This is an issue with children with different parents. He’s not obliged to take your children out, they have you and your dad for that.

If you enter a new relationship and it ends, will you expect that partner to keep contact and take them all out? Where will it end?

Original poster
Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 20:38

If it's a 'big day out' I will take all 5, ExH will take all 5 over the park or all 5 will be invited to BBQs.

I've always treated them as a collective and I suppose that's the kicker. My mum always told me don't be disappointed when others turn out not as nice as you.

I do get that it changes the dynamic and I hadn't thought of the increased responsibility, I guess I've always just got on with it.

Thank you for most of your replies Smile

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 11/08/2020 20:39

But have you taken all five by yourself?

And was the beach and cinema during his contact hours?

Because that makes a difference.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 11/08/2020 20:40

My older dc grew up seeing me take younger dc on holiday and days out. . Exh refused me permission for our dc.. They are teenage +now and no bad feeling /resentment between them or me.
I worked hard to nurture relationships and family times together in other ways.