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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ExP treating former step children differently

282 replies

Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 19:52

Short backstory, I have 3 children with ExH and 1 shared child with ExP, ExP also has a daughter (my SD). ExP has been there since older DCs were toddlers until he walked out 4 days before Christmas (whole other thread)

Since then he has only been interested in DS (his son), ExH treats all 5 children the same but ExP pretends mine don't exist.

He takes his son and daughter out regularly to the park, fishing, family days out - all of which I dismiss to the DCs and point out we don't have to do everything the same but here comes the sticking point... A while ago ExP took DS to the cinema, he burst through the door shouting "I went to the cinema" meanwhile the DCs had been at home while I was at work. I took ExP to one side and said would it have been too much to include them? He has space in his car, I would have happily paid and they would have loved it. He apologised and said he'd think first next time. I took this as he would include them with big days out, just like I always and still do include his daughter (we're talking trips he didn't come on I would get my dad to take a child to free up space for SD). I'm not quibbling the weekly contact, just when there's a big day out they might be included, you know he was their father figure for how many years? He might have a slight affection for them like I wouldn't buy ice creams for my children but not the neighbour who's come round to play.

Fast forward to this weekend, DS bursts in the door "I've been to the beach" cue 3 crestfallen faces! I stepped outside to ask what's going on and he is completely unrepentant "they're nothing to do with me" "they have their own dad" "I'm a good dad" he fails to see their gutted faces and bewilderment. They've only ever known everyone is included, no one is left out. When one gets invited to a party they know their time will come later in the year, they know if one gets a medal at school if they work hard enough they might too. They're not entitled in the slightest so am I being unreasonable to expect him to show an ounce of compassion for them?

Not to drip feed but this is not about me, I don't want to be included in these days out, I don't expect him to pay for anything, just when it's a big day out include all the siblings (bearing in mind DD and SD were best friends throughout school and she still comes around here)

OP posts:
upsidedownwavylegs · 11/08/2020 21:37

@Sofiasamulet

If it's a 'big day out' I will take all 5, ExH will take all 5 over the park or all 5 will be invited to BBQs.

I've always treated them as a collective and I suppose that's the kicker. My mum always told me don't be disappointed when others turn out not as nice as you.

I do get that it changes the dynamic and I hadn't thought of the increased responsibility, I guess I've always just got on with it.

Thank you for most of your replies Smile

I don’t think being too nice is the issue, it sounds more like you don’t want to deal with the emotional consequences that come of your choice to blend and then unblend families where there’s five children from three different permutations of parents. I’d have found it really odd if I was your exP’s older daughter’s mum that my daughter was being taken out/‘treated equally’ in contact terms by my ex’s new girlfriend’s ex husband.
Annasgirl · 11/08/2020 21:39

OP you are being totally unreasonable. From a child safeguarding point of view he should not take his unrelated step children out alone and your ExH should certainly not take your EXP's daughter out alone. I cannot believe in this day and age you even allow it - how on earth does the mother of the SD allow it???????

Tistheseason17 · 11/08/2020 21:41

YABU.
It's not the fault of the children, but I can understand your ExP would want to spend the already limited time he has with DS rather than with 3 who have their own father.

picklemewalnuts · 11/08/2020 21:44

Thing is, she isn't your step daughter, she's your ex step daughter.
He isn't your kids dad or stepdad.

He may well miss them hugely, but recognises that it would complicate everything to be popping in and out of their lives and their house. If he comes in, it's extra difficult to only take out his D.C.

When families blend and unblend there will always be many people's perspectives and sensibilities involved. Your family is muddled in with at least three others. Your siblings have siblings and step siblings across three+ households, depending how you count the step sibs other parents home- which you seem to think is all part of the deal.

It's idealistic, but ultimately not very workable.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/08/2020 21:44

You weren’t married so they aren’t his step children, nor his dad yours. They are the children of an ex girlfriend. Obviously if he had adopted them it would be different.

ThirstyGhost · 11/08/2020 21:45

I'm part of a blended family. I think your expectations are unrealistic. When relationships break up it's nice if everyone can be friendly for the children's sake, but I think that's all you can reasonably expect. He's doing nothing wrong as such - just not doing things the way you do them. Your children with your ExH are not his children. The ideal you have of this big extended family as a collective is not a view that most people take I don't think.

Hamm87 · 11/08/2020 21:45

Sorry to be blunt but she is no longer your step child same as your kids are no longer his, let him have time with his bio children and don't push the matter i hated sharing my dad as a kid as he was mine not theirs my mam had a few partners with kids growing up and I never had anything to do with them when they split same for my dads other kids

SandyY2K · 11/08/2020 21:48

He became a father to the children for eight years when he took on that role.

The children have a father....being in a relationship with the OP doesn't automatically make him a father to the kids.

They have a dad and they don't need another.

Zilla1 · 11/08/2020 21:48

Annasgirl - 'From a child safeguarding point of view he should not take his unrelated step children out alone and your ExH should certainly not take your EXP's daughter out alone'.

Given the OP has said this would be with the concept of the relevant child's parents, in which country are you based in which that position would be required?

How do you think it works when children go out with their friends and their friends' parents? Should no child go anywhere unless their own parent is present at all times?

Exilecardigan · 11/08/2020 21:49

@upsidedownwavylegs “ I don’t think being too nice is the issue, it sounds more like you don’t want to deal with the emotional consequences that come of your choice to blend and then unblend families where there’s five children from three different permutations of parents. I’d have found it really odd if I was your exP’s older daughter’s mum that my daughter was being taken out/‘treated equally’ in contact terms by my ex’s new girlfriend’s ex husband”

You’ve hit the nail on the head with this. But it’s even worse than you said - it’s her ex’s , ex girlfriends, ex husband. How bizarre Confused

@Sofiasamulet you need to read and process the above

Zilla1 · 11/08/2020 21:51

Sandyy2k, To me, if he acted like a father while in a relationship with their mother for eight years for young children makes them a father IMO, not the being in a relationship with the mother. In biology, being a parent is more than genetics.

Drumple · 11/08/2020 21:52

He wasn’t even a husband.

Jimdandy · 11/08/2020 21:52

I think what he is doing is cruel and out of order but it’s the risk you take when you have children with different men and women. That isn’t a judgement by the way, my husband has 2 other children (we have 2 together) and life happens. But often people say “it doesn’t matter how many kids someone has by how many different dads as long as their cares for and loved” but your example is why I disagree. Blended families are difficult. I used to feel bad when my step kids went back to their mums and told their half siblings on her side about the lovely time they’d had in Tenerife or Disney or where ever we’d been, but it’s just the way it is.

MikeUniformMike · 11/08/2020 21:56

They are not technically his step-children and never were.

Ullupullu · 11/08/2020 21:56

This set up is so confusing. Do your other children see their father?

Annasgirl · 11/08/2020 21:58

Where I live we are not encouraged to take children of the opposite sex to sport training in our car and we have chaperones for sport training the opposite sex. It is to protect all parties. I have done the child safety courses for volunteer work that I undertake.

It was a comment as I do not think it is advisable for an unrelated man to take an ex wife's step child (not biologically related to either person) out on family trips - they seem to be large trips. If they are not, then I apologise but really most abuse happens in family and step family situations. And most false accusations are against men - why would he want to put himself in that position?

BTW I live in Ireland.

AlternativePerspective · 11/08/2020 22:00

He walked out on you because (presumably) he couldn’t handle being a blended family unit and having your kids as his own. are you the XP per chance? If not then what a load of crap you have clearly made up.

Personally I don’t get this “well they have their own parents” line that people insist on spouting. If people really do think that it’s perfectly ok to breeze in and out of children’s lives Declaring that they’re no longer your family then IMHO blending families should actively be discouraged.

OP your EXP is an arsehole and your eXH is clearly a decent man. And while I understand that he doesn’t necessarily want to take them all out with him, not even acknowledging children whose lives he’s been a huge part of for the past eight years is horrible, and for that reason alone he is a twat. And actually, I’d imagine that your joint child will pick up on that as time goes on as well as his own DD, especially as they are included by now ex-step parents...

SandyY2K · 11/08/2020 22:00

Zilla1

If my ex was in a relationship with a woman...no matter how long, I wouldn't consider her as their mother. I'm the only mum they have.

If she chose not to have a relationship with them after a break up...that's life. There is no legal responsibility to do so and in many cases the biological parent they split up with doesn't want them to see the step child anyway.

ladycarlotta · 11/08/2020 22:02

My god, people are cold. Of course the children were step siblings. Of course you were all a family. I understand he has no legal obligation to spend any time with the other children but it's horribly sad that he feels no desire to continue his relationship with them. When you've parented children for that long and they've grown up alongside one another, it's pretty rough to claim there was nothing there, or that the relationships have no value.

I'm sorry, OP. I don't think YABU at all. It would be lovely if he would continue to take an interest in your kids, and it's really sad that he won't, but I guess like you say not everybody is that nice. I hope that you and all 5 kids can find healing and solidarity together through all this.

Singalonggong · 11/08/2020 22:03

That's a shame for your other kids and it's a complex set up but he's not unreasonable. Staying in the car is the sensible thing to do. The other 3 kids are no longer anything to do with him never mind the other girl. Just have a word with DS and tell him he's getting to do things the others aren't so please don't burst in the door with all the great things he's done. I can imagine your ex wouldn't want 5 kids trailing behind if only not to severely limit his dating prospects. Most women would run a mile at a sibling set of 5 never mind a set of 5 from 3 different men/families.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2020 22:04

For the last 4 months no one should have been blending 4 households anyway.

PixieLee123 · 11/08/2020 22:07

Maybe you could have a word with DS and ask if he could stop BURSTING through the door and make a normal entrance? Grin

On a more serious note YABU he is your ex and has no obligations to your DC from a previous marriage that is the reality.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 11/08/2020 22:07

@Zilla1

Sandyy2k, To me, if he acted like a father while in a relationship with their mother for eight years for young children makes them a father IMO, not the being in a relationship with the mother. In biology, being a parent is more than genetics.
They already have a father.
AskingforaBaskin · 11/08/2020 22:07

@ladycarlotta

My god, people are cold. Of course the children were step siblings. Of course you were all a family. I understand he has no legal obligation to spend any time with the other children but it's horribly sad that he feels no desire to continue his relationship with them. When you've parented children for that long and they've grown up alongside one another, it's pretty rough to claim there was nothing there, or that the relationships have no value.

I'm sorry, OP. I don't think YABU at all. It would be lovely if he would continue to take an interest in your kids, and it's really sad that he won't, but I guess like you say not everybody is that nice. I hope that you and all 5 kids can find healing and solidarity together through all this.

Maybe he wasn't that into the kids 🤷‍♀️ Just look at the stepparent board. Loads of people don't like their step children.
theprincessmittens · 11/08/2020 22:07

Your kids are learning a valuable life lesson - they aren't always going to be invited or included in everything. Don't make a big fuss about it, they still have their own father to do stuff with.