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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ExP treating former step children differently

282 replies

Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 19:52

Short backstory, I have 3 children with ExH and 1 shared child with ExP, ExP also has a daughter (my SD). ExP has been there since older DCs were toddlers until he walked out 4 days before Christmas (whole other thread)

Since then he has only been interested in DS (his son), ExH treats all 5 children the same but ExP pretends mine don't exist.

He takes his son and daughter out regularly to the park, fishing, family days out - all of which I dismiss to the DCs and point out we don't have to do everything the same but here comes the sticking point... A while ago ExP took DS to the cinema, he burst through the door shouting "I went to the cinema" meanwhile the DCs had been at home while I was at work. I took ExP to one side and said would it have been too much to include them? He has space in his car, I would have happily paid and they would have loved it. He apologised and said he'd think first next time. I took this as he would include them with big days out, just like I always and still do include his daughter (we're talking trips he didn't come on I would get my dad to take a child to free up space for SD). I'm not quibbling the weekly contact, just when there's a big day out they might be included, you know he was their father figure for how many years? He might have a slight affection for them like I wouldn't buy ice creams for my children but not the neighbour who's come round to play.

Fast forward to this weekend, DS bursts in the door "I've been to the beach" cue 3 crestfallen faces! I stepped outside to ask what's going on and he is completely unrepentant "they're nothing to do with me" "they have their own dad" "I'm a good dad" he fails to see their gutted faces and bewilderment. They've only ever known everyone is included, no one is left out. When one gets invited to a party they know their time will come later in the year, they know if one gets a medal at school if they work hard enough they might too. They're not entitled in the slightest so am I being unreasonable to expect him to show an ounce of compassion for them?

Not to drip feed but this is not about me, I don't want to be included in these days out, I don't expect him to pay for anything, just when it's a big day out include all the siblings (bearing in mind DD and SD were best friends throughout school and she still comes around here)

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 11/08/2020 21:08

Your son had limited time with his father so can see that he probably doesn’t want to share him too.

I don’t think your ex is unreasonable for not taking everyone out, but not saying hello to the other children is prickish behaviour.

Have you separated recently or has it been a while?

Brieminewine · 11/08/2020 21:08

YABU, they’re not his children so why should he take them on days out, they have their own mother and father for that.

Original poster
Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 21:13

@VodselForDinner

Your son had limited time with his father so can see that he probably doesn’t want to share him too.

I don’t think your ex is unreasonable for not taking everyone out, but not saying hello to the other children is prickish behaviour.

Have you separated recently or has it been a while?

It's been quite a while, thanks for thinking not even saying hello is prickish Flowers
OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 11/08/2020 21:14

Have you taken all 5 to the beach on your own recently, or to a big Day out on your own? Actually out for the whole day, not to a BBQ? I think you are being slightly idealist. It's likely that you'll both move on to a new partner. If the new paetners have children, your collective of children could grow to 11-12. Teenagers prefer to hangout with their friends rather than siblings. So it won't be an issue soon.

Drumple · 11/08/2020 21:14

But if he comes in and says hello it’s potentially going to make your kids have an expectation. Again, I can see why he would think it’s best not to come in and upset them.

Ellisandra · 11/08/2020 21:14

What is the contact time split for your joint child between you and him?
And how often does he have his older daughter?

If you have the joint child 80% of the time, then adding another 1 is no big deal, you have loads of other time.

If he only has his youngest 20% of the time, more reason not to dilute that by having another 3 children.

I think the 16% YANBU is simply reflecting that he sounds like he’s been a total arsehole from your wording - walking out before Xmas etc.

Exilecardigan · 11/08/2020 21:15

@Sofiasamulet she’s not your step daughter... and yes to stop your own children feeling they get nothing special either have a word with your child saying not to crow over his trips with his father or tell your husband to take his 3 children on day trips. You are the common denominator of 4 children so you should take them out. You don’t have a step daughter and the fathers can take out their own respective children.

GrumpyHoonMain · 11/08/2020 21:15

I think you need to think about your kids and do what’s right for them. Taking out your SD on family days isn’t the right thing - because it’s just reminding them that her dad doesn’t do the same for them. Cut her off. And get ExH to cut her off. Not your problem if she suffers. It’s your exp’s problem.

Zilla1 · 11/08/2020 21:16

Well, OP, I'm surprised. I would expect someone who has acted as a father for almost all of a child's life not to drop them and ignore them. That isn't being an adult. You've rightly said you don't want to do the same with your DSD partly because that wouldn't be fair on the DSD and harmony between blended children is to be encouraged.

You can't make your ex behave like an adult. All you can probably do is, where logistics allow, try to do something 'nice' with your children when your ex does something with his two, even though that might be difficult as he doesn't give you notice.

You could disagree when he says he's a 'good dad' as, in my books, he isn't. He became a father to the children for eight years when he took on that role. He's despicable by making things harder for children after a break up. It doesn't look like it's about money or logistics or car space, just a desire to show you that your three children not by him have nothing to do with him.

Good luck.

Ellisandra · 11/08/2020 21:18

I do think you’re being unreasonable yourself, in deciding that you’re nicer than everyone else!

Imagine your joint child saying, “When I was a kid, I just felt I never got any time with my dad. I mean - he was my dad. I always had to share him with my half siblings. They had their own dad. I love them to bits - but you know, I only had EOW with my own dad, which was shared with my other half sibling on his side... I get that it was difficult for everyone - but I felt like everyone got a piece of my dad, and I just wanted more for me.”

Does that sound unreasonable?

Jihhery · 11/08/2020 21:20

I can see why it was nice when you were together but things have changed. It might make you feel better to see the 'siblings' all treated as a unit but they're actually not a unit as a result of the decisions that have been made by the adults around them. There is no way for any of you to avoid having to process this. The new family arrangements entail change and loss for your children, I'm sorry. I can only hope that it's for the best in ways that you haven't mentioned here.

I don't understand why, with three adults in their lives, these children have to be gutted when they aren't taken on a trip by one adult. There are two others and both of you have parental responsibility, not him. Take them to the beach! Take them to the cinema! No one is stopping you! If my children looked gutted, I would make arrangements myself, not complain to someone who is only guilty of trying to be significant in his children's lives. Those contact sessions are important for him to bond with his biological children - all the others have a dad of their own so he isn't leaving anyone out in the cold. Why shouldn't he be able to enjoy some special time at the cinema with them? Take other children and it turns into a playdate. His precious contact time.

You find him callous. I find you a little thoughtless.

MrsSpookyM · 11/08/2020 21:20

How old are they all?

Drumple · 11/08/2020 21:22

I would actually be really pissed off if I had to trail my ex-husbands current step children with me every time I wanted to take my own kids out.

Surely you can see that’s ridiculous?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2020 21:23

How does your ex’s DD’s mum feel about her ex’s ex taking her DD our for trips and bbqs? Is that on his time when he should be having her?

She’s not your step daughter. And she has two parents to provide for her and entertain her. All of these many children have two involved parents, your expectations of one of these parents are unfair.

How’s this girl going to feel if her dad meets someone else with kids? Does your exH also have step kids?

kissmysass · 11/08/2020 21:23

What is it you're expecting to happen when you both meet someone else and settle down again? Potentially the new partners have kids of their own too?
You aren't a step mum anymore. One day the chances are they will have another step mum. You need to make these decisions now rather than down the line. If you want to invite your ex's child on days out then feel free, but as a friend of your children, not a step daughter. You cannot expect him to do the same. He isn't their father. He technically was never a step father.

2Kidsinatrenchcoat · 11/08/2020 21:24

YABU for expecting him to take kids that aren’t his
he is BU for no longer acknowledging kids whose life he played a big part in for several years

Your exH on the other hand is lovely for being willing to include two extra kids who are nothing to do with him as well as the three kids that are his!

SunshineCake · 11/08/2020 21:26

I would be looking at my child for why she is running in shouting I've been so and so place as that is unkind and sounds very much like they are rubbing it in. You can't make him do the decent thing but you can teach your child to be thoughtful.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/08/2020 21:29

If it feels like it's the right thing for you to do to include your exP's daughter, then do it. BUT you shouldn't expect your exP to feel the same way you do or to do it just because you think it's the right thing to do. He has to do what feels right to him, whether you like it or not.

I do agree with a PP who said that you should speak to your DS and tell him to 'tone it down' when he gets home. I'm sure he doesn't mean to 'crow', but running in and shouting "I did XXX!" would be hurtful to someone who has been left out.

I think you need to sit your other 3 down and explain in an age appropriate way that your xP is no longer a part of their lives through his own choice, but that they have so many people who love them that they'll be fine.

forrestgreen · 11/08/2020 21:32

He's not coming in because he doesn't want a scene because he knows he's wrong.

I see that you need to invite sd, but it doesn't have to be every time you do something. Equally exh can sometimes have his children, sometimes all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2020 21:34

He's not coming in because he doesn't want a scene because he knows he's wrong.

He’s not wrong. The majority think he’s behaving fine. More likely he’s trying to avoid being put on the spot by OP wanting childcare.

RatInADollhouse · 11/08/2020 21:35

What was it like when you were together? Did he truly treat all of the children like his own or did he always have a much stronger bond with the one that was his?

FilthyforFirth · 11/08/2020 21:36

And this is one of the many reasons that blended families dont work.

I think YABU. You werent married so not step kids at all. I am agog that your 'SDD' mum is happy with some utter random bloke taking her on days out. Is this during her dads contact time?

Time for everyone to move on. The kids can always keep in touch themselves once they are older.

Biscusting · 11/08/2020 21:37

Sorry no advice, just sounds like a sad messy situation.

Fink · 11/08/2020 21:37

I think the unusual one in all this is your ex-h, who takes all 5 including a child that is neither his nor his ex-wife's nor in any way related to any of his children. Fair play, it's a nice thing for him to do, but he's going above and beyond to include her, that's not a standard you can set for others.

What about SD's Mum? Does she include all 5, or any of them?

It would be nice if ex-p would include the others from time to time, but I can totally see why he wouldn't. It would be good if he did but no worse than 'normal' if he didn't. He should at least say hello and other small things though.

I agree with some pp that you can change your children's behaviour and outlook, not your ex's. Work on those and let ex-p jog on with his way of doing things. It sounds like he's a least making an effort to be a decent dad to his kids even if he's not including yours.

Azerothi · 11/08/2020 21:37

What would he need to go into his ex-girlfriends house for? He isn't causing trouble by staying outside.

Gosh, it gets complicated and emotional when there are ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends and different fathers and some of those fathers have children already involved.